Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There has been a dynamic discussion revolving about whether parents should encourage their children to immerse in books or to engage in leisure activities such as watching TV or playing console games. From my perspective, I disagree with the idea of solely focusing on knowledge-based exploration because a balanced method seems like a more appropriate solution.
On the one hand, there are several justifications for establishing a habit of reading books during adolescence. First, not only does this source help educate young children with a variety of knowledge and topics covered but it can also serve as a great source of inspiration and imagination. By immersing themselves into the world of words and stories, children could experience a diverse set of perspectives, narratives, and belief systems, and lives, therefore resulting in well-rounded perception and more thorough understanding of the surrounding world. Furthermore, books also play a pivotal part in reinforcing a child’s learning and literacy skills, encouraging them to apply lessons in school. As a result, such constant practice and exploration may give rise to better academic performances in school and later adulthood.
On the other hand, I would contend that multimedia exposure still holds certain advantages in children’s development. Chef among these is that with the visually stimulation and imaginary nature, TV and computer games can be an useful tool to reduce stress and depression, which seems inevitable among students after dealing with intense studying schedule in school. For example, a large number of schoolstudents find it relaxing and entertaining to catch up on their favourite TV shows or online games, which helps recharge their battery and ensure a balance between schoolwork and relaxation. Another benefit worth mentioning is that these entertainment streams could also act as precursors for necessary soft skills in children. By being exposed to audiovisual sources and computer simulation, children can develop their creative thinking, problem-solving skill, and teamwork spirit, which are essential for academic achievements and future job prospects.
In conclusion, there are valid arguments on both sides related to the question of putting more emphasis on books or TV and computer games during children’s growth. In my opinion, a balance approach should be prioritized because both sources have their role to play in children’s holistic development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"revolving about" -> "revolving around"
Explanation: "Revolving around" is the more commonly accepted phrase in academic writing when discussing a central topic or issue.
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "In my view" is a slightly more formal and widely accepted phrase in academic writing compared to "From my perspective."
"solely focusing on" -> "exclusively focusing on"
Explanation: "Exclusively focusing on" retains the meaning while sounding more formal and precise in an academic context.
"balanced method seems like a more appropriate solution" -> "adopting a balanced approach appears more suitable"
Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more nuanced and formal way of expressing the idea, aligning better with academic tone.
"Chef among these" -> "Chief among these"
Explanation: "Chief" is the correct term here, denoting primary importance, whereas "Chef" is a misspelling and doesn’t fit the context.
"visually stimulation" -> "visual stimulation"
Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error by using "visual stimulation," maintaining academic formality and accuracy.
"an useful tool" -> "a useful tool"
Explanation: Adjusting the indefinite article to adhere to proper grammar rules by using "a" instead of "an" before a word starting with a consonant sound like "useful."
"catch up on their favourite TV shows" -> "watch their favorite TV shows"
Explanation: "Watch their favorite TV shows" is a clearer and more precise expression in academic writing compared to "catch up on."
"holistic development" -> "comprehensive development"
Explanation: "Comprehensive development" is a more formal and precise term often used in academic contexts to describe overall growth and progress.
"a balance approach" -> "a balanced approach"
Explanation: Correcting the adjective form to "balanced" to match the noun "approach," maintaining grammatical accuracy in the sentence structure.
These suggested improvements aim to enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay by replacing informal or inaccurate phrases with more suitable and commonly accepted alternatives.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "From my perspective, I disagree with the idea of solely focusing on knowledge-based exploration because a balanced method seems like a more appropriate solution."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction sets a clear stance, but it lacks a concise roadmap of the main points you’ll discuss. Consider briefly outlining the key reasons supporting your disagreement with a focus on knowledge-based exploration. This will provide a clearer structure for your essay, helping the reader anticipate your arguments.
- Improved example: "From my perspective, I disagree with the idea of solely focusing on knowledge-based exploration. In the following paragraphs, I will outline two key reasons supporting a more balanced approach that includes both reading books and engaging in multimedia activities."
Quoted text: "First, not only does this source help educate young children with a variety of knowledge and topics covered but it can also serve as a great source of inspiration and imagination."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your first supporting point is well-presented. However, it would be more effective if you could provide a specific example or anecdote from your own experience or knowledge. This would add a personal touch to your argument, making it more persuasive.
- Improved example: "First, I believe that reading books helps educate young children with a variety of knowledge. For instance, when I was a child, exploring the pages of adventure novels not only broadened my understanding of different cultures but also sparked my imagination, encouraging creative thinking."
Quoted text: "Furthermore, books also play a pivotal part in reinforcing a child’s learning and literacy skills, encouraging them to apply lessons in school."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about books reinforcing learning is valid, but it lacks depth. Elaborate on how specific learning and literacy skills are enhanced through reading. Providing a personal example or experience would strengthen this part of your argument.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, books play a pivotal role in reinforcing a child’s learning and literacy skills. As an illustration, reading historical novels not only improved my understanding of past events but also enhanced my critical thinking, helping me apply historical lessons in my school assignments."
Quoted text: "Chef among these is that with the visually stimulation and imaginary nature, TV and computer games can be an useful tool to reduce stress and depression, which seems inevitable among students after dealing with intense studying schedule in school."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument about reducing stress through TV and computer games is valid, but it lacks specificity. Provide a concrete example or personal experience to illustrate how these activities helped you or someone you know manage stress during intense study periods.
- Improved example: "Chief among these is that, with their visually stimulating and imaginative nature, TV and computer games can be a useful tool to reduce stress and depression. For instance, during my university exams, engaging in a favorite video game provided a welcome break, allowing me to return to my studies with a refreshed mind."
Quoted text: "Another benefit worth mentioning is that these entertainment streams could also act as precursors for necessary soft skills in children."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about multimedia exposure developing soft skills is sound. However, it would be more convincing with a specific example or personal anecdote illustrating how engaging in TV or computer games enhanced your or someone else’s soft skills.
- Improved example: "Another noteworthy benefit is that these entertainment streams can act as precursors for necessary soft skills in children. Personally, playing collaborative online games during my teenage years honed my teamwork and communication skills, which later proved invaluable in various aspects of my life."
Overall, while your essay addresses all parts of the task, there is room for improvement in providing specific examples and personal experiences to bolster your arguments. Consider adding more depth to your points for a more persuasive essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas, maintaining clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. Cohesive devices are used with a range that contributes to the essay’s flow, though some instances of underuse or overuse are evident. The essay utilizes paragraphing effectively, albeit not always perfectly logically.
How to improve: To elevate the coherence and cohesion further, ensure a more consistent and balanced usage of cohesive devices. Aim for a more precise deployment of these devices to strengthen the logical relationship between ideas. Work on refining the logical sequence within and between paragraphs to enhance the essay’s overall structural coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. The writer uses a variety of words and phrases to convey ideas and maintains a coherent discussion throughout the essay. Some less common lexical items are employed, showcasing awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively presents arguments on both sides of the issue with clarity and coherence.
How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on minimizing errors in word choice and formation. Additionally, incorporating a few more sophisticated and uncommon lexical items can elevate the vocabulary range. Precision in language use, particularly in conveying nuanced meanings, can be further developed. A more careful proofreading process may help eliminate occasional inaccuracies, contributing to a smoother and more polished presentation.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures with a wide range of sentence constructions. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there is evidence of both simple and complex sentence forms. The essay effectively communicates ideas with full flexibility and accuracy. Minor errors occur only occasionally and can be considered as ‘slips’ that do not significantly impede comprehension.
How to improve: While the essay is well-structured and grammatically sound, there is room for improvement in terms of refining sentence structures for even greater complexity. Consider incorporating more varied sentence patterns and using advanced vocabulary to enhance lexical range. Additionally, meticulous proofreading can help eliminate occasional minor errors, ensuring a consistently polished piece.
Bài sửa mẫu
The ongoing debate centers around whether parents should encourage their children to embrace books or indulge in leisure activities like watching TV or playing video games. In my view, I disagree with the notion of exclusively focusing on knowledge-based exploration because a well-rounded approach appears to be a more suitable solution.
On one hand, there are compelling reasons to instill a reading habit in children. Firstly, not only does reading books provide young minds with a wealth of knowledge and cover various topics, but it also serves as an excellent source of inspiration and imagination. Delving into the world of words and stories allows children to experience a diverse range of perspectives, narratives, beliefs, and lives, fostering a more comprehensive understanding of the world around them. Additionally, books play a crucial role in enhancing a child’s learning and literacy skills, motivating them to apply lessons in school. Consequently, consistent practice and exploration may lead to improved academic performance both in school and later in adulthood.
On the other hand, I would argue that exposure to multimedia still offers distinct advantages in children’s development. Chief among these is that, with their visual stimulation and imaginative nature, TV and computer games can be valuable tools for reducing stress and depression, which can be inevitable for students dealing with intense school schedules. For instance, many students find relaxation and entertainment in watching their favorite TV shows or playing online games, helping them recharge and strike a balance between schoolwork and relaxation. Another noteworthy benefit is that these forms of entertainment can act as catalysts for developing essential soft skills in children. Exposure to audiovisual content and computer simulations can nurture creative thinking, problem-solving skills, and a spirit of teamwork—attributes crucial for academic success and future job prospects.
In conclusion, there are valid arguments on both sides regarding the emphasis on books or TV and computer games during children’s growth. In my opinion, a balanced approach should take precedence because both sources play a role in the holistic development of children.