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Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion. Write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.

Write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the incorporation of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children's development. This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter.

On one hand, there exists concern that engaging in sports may be deemed time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits. For instance, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can assess whether they have met their learning objectives. It can also be argued that allocating time to practice and study might lead to improved academic grades and learning outcomes.

Moreover, opponents of compulsory sports in schools argue that rigorous exercises may leave students fatigued, adversely affecting the quality of their studies. However, on the contrary, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may experience more efficient study sessions, resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades. Exercise, it is claimed, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to better long-term memory and overall well-being.

Importantly, incorporating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may prevent instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who face unique challenges. In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can mitigate the impact of toxic social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational time.

In conclusion, while the appeal of focusing solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be viewed as a substantial drawback. Balancing mental and physical activities is essential for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the incorporation of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children’s development." -> "Physical activities are deemed a pivotal aspect of student life, and the integration of sports as a compulsory subject is thought to positively influence children’s development."
    Explanation: Replacing "considered a crucial element" with "deemed a pivotal aspect" and "believed to positively impact" with "thought to positively influence" enhances formality and precision in describing the significance of physical activities and sports in student life.

  2. "This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter." -> "This has emerged as a noteworthy subject in public discourse, and we will explore the contrasting perspectives on this matter."
    Explanation: Substituting "significant topic" with "noteworthy subject" and "delve into" with "explore" maintains formality and clarity, contributing to a more academic tone.

  3. "On one hand, there exists concern that engaging in sports may be deemed time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits." -> "On one hand, there is concern that participation in sports may be considered time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits."
    Explanation: Replacing "exists concern" with "there is concern" and "deemed" with "considered" aligns with a more formal and standard expression of concern.

  4. "It can also be argued that allocating time to practice and study might lead to improved academic grades and learning outcomes." -> "It can also be contended that dedicating time to both practice and study might result in enhanced academic grades and learning outcomes."
    Explanation: Replacing "argued" with "contended" and "lead to" with "result in" introduces more formal and precise language, elevating the academic tone of the sentence.

  5. "Moreover, opponents of compulsory sports in schools argue that rigorous exercises may leave students fatigued, adversely affecting the quality of their studies." -> "Moreover, adversaries of mandatory sports in schools contend that strenuous exercises may leave students fatigued, negatively impacting the quality of their studies."
    Explanation: Substituting "opponents" with "adversaries" and "argue" with "contend" contributes to a more formal tone, maintaining consistency in expression.

  6. "However, on the contrary, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may experience more efficient study sessions, resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades." -> "However, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may undergo more efficient study sessions, leading to elevated academic achievements and grades."
    Explanation: Replacing "on the contrary" with "However" and "resulting in" with "leading to" enhances the coherence and formality of the sentence.

  7. "Exercise, it is claimed, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to better long-term memory and overall well-being." -> "Exercise, it is asserted, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to improved long-term memory and overall well-being."
    Explanation: Substituting "claimed" with "asserted" and "better" with "improved" maintains a formal and authoritative tone in presenting the claim about the benefits of exercise.

  8. "Importantly, incorporating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may prevent instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who face unique challenges." -> "Significantly, integrating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may mitigate instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who encounter distinct challenges."
    Explanation: Replacing "Importantly" with "Significantly" and "prevent" with "mitigate" enhances formality and precision, aligning with academic language conventions.

  9. "In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can mitigate the impact of toxic social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational time." -> "In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can alleviate the impact of detrimental social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational experience."
    Explanation: Substituting "mitigate" with "alleviate" and "recreational time" with "recreational experience" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression of the sentence’s intent.

  10. "Balancing mental and physical activities is essential for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience." -> "Balancing mental and physical activities is imperative for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience."
    Explanation: Replacing "essential" with "imperative" adds emphasis and formality to convey the significance of balancing mental and physical activities for student development.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the importance of sports in student life and presents contrasting views regarding its mandatory nature. Relevant examples are used to support the discussion, such as the potential time investment in academic pursuits and the impact of exercise on cognitive functions.
    • How to improve: While the essay adequately covers both perspectives, a more explicit acknowledgment of the personal opinion could enhance the response. Consider clearly stating your stance in the introduction or conclusion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The introduction presents the topic, and subsequent paragraphs discuss the opposing views and provide a well-supported argument in favor of incorporating sports in schools.
    • How to improve: No specific improvements are needed in this regard.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas in the essay are well-presented, extended, and supported. Each point is elaborated upon, and examples are effectively used to reinforce arguments. The essay discusses the potential impact of sports on academic performance and the mental well-being of students in a detailed manner.
    • How to improve: Continue to provide specific examples and elaborate on the connection between physical activities and academic or mental benefits. This will further strengthen the essay’s arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the pros and cons of making sports mandatory in schools. It explores related aspects, such as the potential impact on academic performance and mental health, without deviating significantly.
    • How to improve: Ensure that examples and arguments directly relate to the prompt. While the essay is generally focused, be cautious not to introduce tangential points that may distract from the main topic.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a well-rounded discussion of the opposing views on incorporating sports into school life. To enhance the response, consider explicitly stating your personal stance and maintaining a tight focus on the main topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. It starts by introducing the topic, presents opposing views, and concludes with a balanced perspective. However, there is room for improvement in the structure of body paragraphs. The transition between discussing the drawbacks of sports in school to its benefits could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider a more seamless transition between contrasting viewpoints. Ensure that the progression of ideas is clear and that each paragraph contributes cohesively to the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are used effectively, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, the transition between paragraphs discussing drawbacks and benefits of sports could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Maintain the effectiveness of paragraphs but pay special attention to transitions. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the shift in focus, making the connections between paragraphs more evident.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as linking words ("Moreover," "However," "In conclusion") and cohesive ties ("On one hand," "Furthermore," "In this context"). These contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Continue using a diverse range of cohesive devices to maintain coherence. However, be cautious not to overuse certain transitions, ensuring that they naturally fit within the context of the sentences. Additionally, consider more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To enhance this score, focus on refining the logical organization by ensuring a smoother transition between contrasting ideas. Maintain effective paragraphing, paying special attention to transitions between different sections of the essay. Lastly, continue utilizing a diverse range of cohesive devices while being mindful of avoiding redundancy.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. It effectively employs words and phrases to convey ideas. For instance, terms like "public discourse," "exerting effort," and "holistic and enriching" contribute to the overall lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety, consider incorporating more specific and contextually relevant vocabulary. Utilize domain-specific terms related to education and physical activities. For instance, instead of "effort in classes," consider using "academic engagement" or "scholarly pursuits" for precision.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where the usage could be more precise. For example, the phrase "exerting effort in classes or exams" could be more precisely stated as "active participation in academic endeavors."
    • How to improve: Aim for more nuanced and precise expressions. Instead of using general terms, delve into specific language related to academics and physical activities. For instance, replace "rigorous exercises" with "structured physical training" or "focused fitness regimen."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally strong, with only minor errors present. For instance, the phrase "especially during the developmental stage" is correctly spelled.
    • How to improve: Continue the current practice of careful proofreading. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any minor errors that might be overlooked. Additionally, pay attention to the consistency of verb tenses throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable lexical resource, but improvement can be achieved by incorporating more specialized vocabulary and ensuring precision in word choice. Continue to focus on proofreading to maintain the high level of spelling accuracy displayed in the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the introductory sentence uses a complex structure: "Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the incorporation of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children’s development." This complexity adds depth to the expression of ideas.

    • How to improve: While the essay already displays a diverse range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures strategically. Introduce conditional sentences, inverted sentences, or rhetorical questions to enhance the sophistication of your expression. This can elevate the overall quality of your writing and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are generally well-structured, and grammatical errors are minimal. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement could be strengthened. For instance, in the sentence "By exerting effort in classes or exams, students can assess whether they have met their learning objectives," ensuring consistency in the plural form of "classes" and "exams" is crucial.

    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Consistency in number agreement ensures grammatical accuracy. Additionally, consider revisiting sentence structures to ensure clarity, especially in complex sentences. Proofreading for minor grammatical nuances will contribute to an even higher level of precision.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing significantly to the overall band score of 7. To further enhance your performance, continue practicing varied sentence structures and refine grammatical details to achieve an even greater level of proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the integration of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children’s development. This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter.

On one hand, there exists concern that engaging in sports may be deemed time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits. For instance, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can assess whether they have met their learning objectives. It can also be argued that allocating time to practice and study might lead to improved academic grades and learning outcomes.

Moreover, opponents of compulsory sports in schools argue that rigorous exercises may leave students fatigued, adversely affecting the quality of their studies. However, on the contrary, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may experience more efficient study sessions, resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades. Exercise, it is claimed, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to better long-term memory and overall well-being.

Importantly, incorporating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may prevent instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who face unique challenges. In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can mitigate the impact of toxic social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational time.

In conclusion, while the appeal of focusing solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be viewed as a substantial drawback. Balancing mental and physical activities is essential for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience.

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