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Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion. Write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.

Write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the integration of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children's development. This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter.

On one hand, there exists concern that engaging in sports may be deemed time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits. For instance, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can assess whether they have met their learning objectives. It can also be argued that allocating time to practice and study might lead to improved academic grades and learning outcomes.

Moreover, opponents of compulsory sports in schools argue that rigorous exercises may leave students fatigued, adversely affecting the quality of their studies. However, on the contrary, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may experience more efficient study sessions, resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades. Exercise, it is claimed, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to better long-term memory and overall well-being.

Importantly, incorporating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may prevent instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who face unique challenges. In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can mitigate the impact of toxic social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational time.

In conclusion, while the appeal of focusing solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be viewed as a substantial drawback. Balancing mental and physical activities is essential for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Physical activities are considered a crucial element of student life, with the integration of sports as a mandatory subject believed to positively impact children’s development." -> "Physical activities are deemed a vital component of student life, and the inclusion of sports as a compulsory subject is thought to positively influence children’s development."
    Explanation: Replacing "considered" with "deemed" and "believed to" with "thought to" adds a more formal and precise tone to the sentence.

  2. "This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter." -> "This has emerged as a notable subject of public discourse, and we will examine the divergent viewpoints on this matter."
    Explanation: Substituting "significant" with "notable" and replacing "delve into" with "examine" enhances the academic tone by using more precise language.

  3. "On one hand, there exists concern that engaging in sports may be deemed time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits." -> "On one hand, there is concern that participation in sports may be considered time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits."
    Explanation: Replacing "exists" with "is" and "deemed" with "considered" contributes to a more formal style, aligning with academic conventions.

  4. "For instance, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can assess whether they have met their learning objectives." -> "For example, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can evaluate whether they have achieved their learning objectives."
    Explanation: Substituting "instance" with "example" and changing "assess" to "evaluate" maintains clarity while using more formal language.

  5. "Moreover, opponents of compulsory sports in schools argue that rigorous exercises may leave students fatigued, adversely affecting the quality of their studies." -> "Moreover, critics of mandatory sports in schools contend that strenuous exercises may leave students fatigued, negatively impacting the quality of their studies."
    Explanation: Replacing "opponents" with "critics" and "adversely affecting" with "negatively impacting" enhances precision and formality.

  6. "However, on the contrary, proponents posit that students who are energetic and in good health may experience more efficient study sessions, resulting in elevated academic achievements and grades." -> "However, proponents argue that students who are energetic and in good health may undergo more efficient study sessions, leading to enhanced academic achievements and grades."
    Explanation: Eliminating "on the contrary" and replacing "posit" with "argue" contribute to a more formal tone, while maintaining the intended meaning.

  7. "Exercise, it is claimed, enhances cognitive functions, contributing to better long-term memory and overall well-being." -> "It is claimed that exercise enhances cognitive functions, contributing to improved long-term memory and overall well-being."
    Explanation: Removing the standalone "Exercise," streamlines the sentence and improves its formality.

  8. "Importantly, incorporating physical education lessons is crucial, especially during the developmental stage of children, as it may prevent instances of depression, particularly among individuals of Asian descent who face unique challenges." -> "Crucially, integrating physical education lessons is essential, particularly during the developmental stage of children, as it may mitigate occurrences of depression, especially among individuals of Asian descent confronting distinct challenges."
    Explanation: Substituting "Importantly" with "Crucially" and replacing "prevent instances of" with "mitigate occurrences of" contribute to a more formal and precise expression.

  9. "In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can mitigate the impact of toxic social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational time." -> "In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can alleviate the impact of harmful social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational experience."
    Explanation: Substituting "mitigate" with "alleviate" and changing "recreational time" to "recreational experience" enhances the precision and formality of the sentence.

  10. "In conclusion, while the appeal of focusing solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be viewed as a substantial drawback." -> "In conclusion, although the appeal of concentrating solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be regarded as a significant drawback."
    Explanation: Replacing "while" with "although" and "substantial" with "significant" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay thoroughly addresses both sides of the prompt, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of making sports mandatory in schools. Each viewpoint is supported with relevant arguments and examples, showcasing a comprehensive understanding of the question.
    • How to improve: The essay is strong in this aspect. To further enhance, consider providing a brief overview in the introduction that explicitly mentions both perspectives to set the stage for the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing the belief that sports are beneficial for comprehensive student development. The position is evident in the introduction and consistently reinforced in subsequent paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity, explicitly state the personal opinion in the introduction. While it is clear, a more explicit expression can enhance coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Arguments are well-developed, and examples are relevant. The essay demonstrates a strong ability to articulate thoughts and provide supporting evidence.
    • How to improve: Maintain this level of elaboration and support throughout the essay. Consider incorporating more specific examples or statistics to further bolster the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, addressing the core question of whether sports should be mandatory in schools. There are no significant deviations, and each paragraph contributes to the overall discussion.
    • How to improve: Continue the good practice of linking every point back to the main topic. Ensure that examples provided directly support the argument and do not veer into unrelated territory.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a well-structured argument with a clear stance and supporting details. To improve further, consider refining the introduction for explicit coverage of both perspectives and continue to provide specific examples for enhanced support. Overall, an excellent response with a solid Band Score of 8.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and the opposing views, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that present arguments both in favor and against mandatory sports in schools. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. Transitions between paragraphs are smooth, contributing to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the introduction to explicitly state your position on the issue. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on a specific aspect of the argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical flow of ideas. The structure allows for a smooth transition between different points of view.
    • How to improve: While the overall paragraph structure is effective, be cautious about the length of sentences within paragraphs. Some sentences could be broken down for increased clarity and readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases ("on the one hand," "moreover," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("it," "this"). These cohesive devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay and help guide the reader through the different stages of the argument.
    • How to improve: Continue using cohesive devices to maintain a seamless flow between ideas. Ensure that the use of pronouns is always clear and unambiguous to avoid any potential confusion for the reader.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion. To further improve, focus on refining the introduction, breaking down lengthy sentences for clarity, and maintaining consistency in the use of cohesive devices. This will contribute to an even more cohesive and logically organized essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is evidence of varied word choices, such as "integral," "diverting," "rigorous," "adversely," and "mitigate." However, at times, the vocabulary could be more diverse and sophisticated to elevate the overall lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary breadth, consider incorporating more specialized or nuanced terms. For instance, instead of "integral," one might use "fundamental." Additionally, introducing academic or domain-specific vocabulary related to education and psychology could add depth to the analysis.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where the choice of words could be more precise. For example, the phrase "diverting valuable time" might benefit from a more specific term, such as "siphoning" or "diverting crucial study hours."
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In cases where a more specific term exists, opt for it to enhance the clarity and accuracy of expression. A thesaurus can be a helpful tool for finding more precise synonyms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring spelling errors. However, it is crucial to remain vigilant and consistently maintain this standard throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To sustain a high level of spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically can contribute to consistent spelling precision.

Overall, the essay exhibits a satisfactory lexical resource, and improvement in vocabulary range and precision could be achieved through deliberate word choice and exposure to a broader range of academic vocabulary. Additionally, maintaining a meticulous approach to spelling will contribute to sustaining the overall quality of written expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of varied sentence structures. It includes simple, compound, and complex sentences, contributing to overall coherence and fluency. There is also evidence of sophisticated structures, such as the use of introductory clauses and conditional sentences (e.g., "On one hand," "Moreover," "In conclusion"). These structures enhance the overall quality of expression and engagement with the topic.
    • How to improve: To further elevate the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as inverted sentences, parallel structures, or rhetorical questions. This will add depth and nuance to your writing, providing a richer reading experience.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. Sentences are well-constructed, and there are minimal errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word usage. Punctuation is used effectively to clarify meaning and aid in the overall flow of ideas. However, there are a few instances where the use of commas could be refined for even greater precision.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the use of commas, ensuring they are used consistently and appropriately. For instance, in the sentence "This has become a significant topic of public discourse, and we will delve into the contrasting perspectives on this matter," a comma after "discourse" may enhance readability. Additionally, consider incorporating more complex punctuation, such as em dashes or colons, to further refine your writing style.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. To continue improving, focus on refining punctuation and experimenting with more sophisticated sentence structures to elevate the overall writing style. Keep up the excellent work!

Bài sửa mẫu

Physical activities are deemed a vital component of student life, and the inclusion of sports as a compulsory subject is thought to positively influence children’s development. This has emerged as a notable subject of public discourse, and we will examine the divergent viewpoints on this matter.

On one hand, there is concern that participation in sports may be considered time-consuming, diverting valuable time from academic pursuits. For example, by exerting effort in classes or exams, students can evaluate whether they have achieved their learning objectives. Moreover, critics of mandatory sports in schools contend that strenuous exercises may leave students fatigued, negatively impacting the quality of their studies.

However, proponents argue that students who are energetic and in good health may undergo more efficient study sessions, leading to enhanced academic achievements and grades. It is claimed that exercise enhances cognitive functions, contributing to improved long-term memory and overall well-being. Crucially, integrating physical education lessons is essential, particularly during the developmental stage of children, as it may mitigate occurrences of depression, especially among individuals of Asian descent confronting distinct challenges.

In this context, fitness programs during adolescence can alleviate the impact of harmful social media content, fostering a more fulfilling recreational experience. In conclusion, although the appeal of concentrating solely on academic activities may be evident, the absence of sports in school can be regarded as a significant drawback. Balancing mental and physical activities is essential for comprehensive student development, ensuring a holistic and enriching educational experience.

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