Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.

Sport continues to be a controversial topic in the school curriculum, just as sport itself has become a controversial industry in some respects. There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will consider now.

On the one hand, some people feel that sport uses up time which could be better spent on academic subjects such as exam preparation. In addition, it might be said that it is unwise to force children to do activities which they have no interest in. After all, some youngsters are just not sporty, and should be allowed to study instead. Finally, there are question marks over the wholesomeness of sport itself, with drugging and corruption scandals increasingly common, as we see in cycling at present. Some people believe that this lack of morals sets a poor example to young people.

On the other hand, though, one major benefit of sport is that it helps children’s physical development at an important stage. If all their time was spent studying, they would become unfit and their minds would eventually suffer. Furthermore, supporters of school sport emphasize the
importance of team building in sports such as football or hockey, which is often felt to be an excellent preparation for adulthood. Finally, many people feel that a competitive spirit, so important today, is fostered by sports at an early age. It is notable, for example, that many successful business people excelled in sport at school.

Overall, I feel that sport should be compulsory for school children, because the positive effect on their mental and physical development outweighs the negatives. This is as long as children are given a wide range to choose from, to ensure their interest is high, and that the sports industry itself maintains the highest standards of conduct.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"just as sport itself has become a controversial industry in some respects" -> "much like the sports industry, which has become controversial in certain aspects"
Explanation: The suggested replacement maintains the comparison while using more formal language and specifying that the controversy pertains to certain aspects of the sports industry.
"There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will consider now." -> "Divergent perspectives exist, and I will now examine both sides of the argument."
Explanation: The revised phrase provides a more sophisticated expression of the existence of varying opinions and replaces the casual "which I will consider now" with a more direct statement of intent.
"it might be said that it is unwise to force children to do activities which they have no interest in." -> "it could be argued that compelling children to engage in activities they lack interest in is unwise."
Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains the meaning while presenting the argument in a more formal and structured manner.
"After all, some youngsters are just not sporty, and should be allowed to study instead." -> "Moreover, certain individuals may lack an inclination for sports and should be permitted to focus on academic pursuits."
Explanation: The revision replaces the colloquial "not sporty" with a more formal expression, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"Finally, there are question marks over the wholesomeness of sport itself, with drugging and corruption scandals increasingly common, as we see in cycling at present." -> "Lastly, concerns persist regarding the integrity of sport, marked by the rising prevalence of doping and corruption scandals, exemplified in the current state of cycling."
Explanation: The improved version replaces the colloquial "question marks" with a more formal expression, and the use of "at present" is replaced with "exemplified in the current state of cycling" for clarity and specificity.
"If all their time was spent studying, they would become unfit and their minds would eventually suffer." -> "Devoting all their time to academics could lead to physical deterioration and eventual cognitive decline."
Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains the meaning while using more precise and formal language, avoiding the colloquial "unfit" and providing a clearer expression of the potential consequence.
"Furthermore, supporters of school sport emphasize the importance of team building in sports such as football or hockey, which is often felt to be an excellent preparation for adulthood." -> "Moreover, advocates of school sports underscore the significance of team building, particularly in activities like football or hockey, perceived as valuable preparation for adulthood."
Explanation: The revised version employs more formal language and structure while retaining the meaning of the sentence.
"Finally, many people feel that a competitive spirit, so important today, is fostered by sports at an early age." -> "Lastly, a prevailing belief exists that instilling a competitive spirit from an early age through sports is crucial in the contemporary context."
Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains the meaning while using more formal language and providing clarity by specifying the relevance in the contemporary context.
"It is notable, for example, that many successful business people excelled in sport at school." -> "Notably, many accomplished business professionals excelled in sports during their school years."
Explanation: The revised phrase uses more formal language while maintaining clarity and specificity in expressing the connection between sports and success in business.
"Overall, I feel that sport should be compulsory for school children, because the positive effect on their mental and physical development outweighs the negatives." -> "In conclusion, I advocate for the mandatory inclusion of sports in school curricula, as the positive impact on the mental and physical development of students surpasses the drawbacks."
Explanation: The improved version enhances formality and clarity in expressing the author’s stance on the matter.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the benefits and drawbacks of making sports compulsory in schools. It acknowledges the time constraints and potential lack of interest some students may have, while also highlighting the advantages of physical development, team building, and the fostering of a competitive spirit. Relevant sections from both perspectives are cited to support the analysis.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each point made is directly connected to the prompt. Offer more specific examples and details to strengthen the argument, providing a more nuanced exploration of the opposing views.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance, asserting that sport should be compulsory for school children. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing a cohesive and well-structured argument.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion. This can reinforce the reader’s understanding of the writer’s viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with relevant examples. It discusses the impact of sports on physical development, team building, and the cultivation of a competitive spirit. Each idea is elaborated on, providing a comprehensive exploration of the topic.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay, consider incorporating more specific and varied examples. This can add depth to the discussion and make the ideas more relatable to a broader audience.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the key aspects of the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion on the controversial nature of the sports industry may slightly deviate from the main focus.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Limit discussions that might be tangential to the primary argument and emphasize the core elements of the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively exploring both sides of the argument and presenting a clear position. To elevate the response, consider providing more specific examples and maintaining a tighter focus on the central theme throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic and presents the opposing views. Each body paragraph focuses on one side of the argument, providing supporting points and examples. The conclusion summarizes the author’s opinion. However, there is room for improvement in the flow between paragraphs. Transitions could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using explicit transitional phrases between paragraphs. For instance, phrases like "On the contrary," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the shift between opposing views.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each one centered around a specific idea. However, some paragraphs could be more nuanced in their structure, ensuring that each contains a clear main point and sufficient supporting details.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Support this with relevant examples or explanations. Additionally, check for consistency in paragraph length to maintain a balanced structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and pronouns, contributing to overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and specificity of these devices. Some transitions are basic and could be replaced with more sophisticated options.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used. Instead of relying on basic transitions like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," experiment with more diverse alternatives. Additionally, pay attention to the precision of pronoun usage to ensure clarity and cohesion. For example, consider using specific nouns when referencing ideas to avoid ambiguity.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a generally sound coherence and cohesion, refining the transitions between paragraphs and enhancing the diversity of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and seamlessly connected piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, there is room for improvement. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" limits the diversity of language. Additionally, there is a tendency to rely on general terms like "positive effect" and "negative" without delving into more nuanced vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more specific terms and synonyms. Avoid repetitive structures, explore different ways to express ideas, and strive for greater precision. For example, instead of using "positive effect," you might employ words like "beneficial impact" or "advantage." Vary sentence structures to add complexity and depth to your expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. There are instances of specific terms such as "exam preparation," but at times, the language is somewhat vague, as seen in the use of phrases like "positive effect" and "negative." Precision could be enhanced by replacing generic terms with more concrete and specific vocabulary.
- How to improve: Strive for precision by opting for words that convey your ideas with greater clarity. Instead of relying on broad terms, choose words that capture the nuances of your thoughts. For instance, replace "positive effect" with "advantage" or "beneficial impact." Use vivid and descriptive language to paint a clearer picture of your arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors are noticeable, such as "wholesomeness" (should be "morality") and "question marks" (should be "questions"). While these errors do not severely impact comprehension, attention to detail in spelling would contribute to a more polished piece.
- How to improve: Cultivate a meticulous approach to spelling by reviewing and revising your work. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and proofread carefully. Utilize spelling tools and seek feedback to identify and rectify any errors. Consistent practice in spelling will contribute to a higher level of accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of structures. For instance, the essay frequently employs compound sentences, but more complex structures like conditional sentences or relative clauses could enhance the overall richness of expression. There’s a tendency to use simple sentence structures in some places, which may affect the essay’s overall sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence forms. Integrate conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations, and use relative clauses to provide additional information. Additionally, be mindful of the balance between simple and complex structures to ensure a smooth and engaging flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors and punctuation issues occur. For example, in the phrase "which I will consider now," a comma after "now" would improve clarity. There’s also a need for consistency in punctuation use in lists and complex sentences.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to punctuation, particularly in complex sentences and lists. Ensure consistent usage of commas and other punctuation marks. Review the essay for any subject-verb agreement issues or tense inconsistencies. Proofreading can help identify and rectify these minor errors, contributing to a polished and error-free essay.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, incorporating a more diverse range of sentence structures and fine-tuning punctuation details will elevate the overall sophistication and precision of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The topic of sports in school remains contentious, much like the sports industry, which has become controversial in certain aspects. Divergent perspectives exist, and I will now examine both sides of the argument.

On one hand, there is the belief that sports consume valuable time that could be better utilized for academic pursuits, such as exam preparation. Moreover, it could be argued that compelling children to engage in activities they lack interest in is unwise. Some youngsters are simply not inclined towards sports and should be permitted to focus on academic pursuits. Lastly, concerns persist regarding the integrity of sport, marked by the rising prevalence of doping and corruption scandals, exemplified in the current state of cycling. Critics argue that such moral lapses set a poor example for young people.

On the other hand, proponents of school sports argue that it plays a crucial role in children’s physical development during a pivotal stage. Devoting all their time to academics could lead to physical deterioration and eventual cognitive decline. Moreover, advocates of school sports underscore the significance of team building, particularly in activities like football or hockey, perceived as valuable preparation for adulthood. Lastly, a prevailing belief exists that instilling a competitive spirit from an early age through sports is crucial in the contemporary context. Notably, many accomplished business professionals excelled in sports during their school years.

In conclusion, I advocate for the mandatory inclusion of sports in school curricula, as the positive impact on the mental and physical development of students surpasses the drawbacks. However, it is essential to ensure that children have a diverse range of sports to choose from, aligning with their interests, and that the sports industry itself maintains the highest standards of conduct.