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some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views

some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views

People have different views about students should to continue studying at university or college. While some argue that it would be better for student to get a job after passing school.
The idea of starting work immediately after high school is appealing for several reasons. Many young people want to be independent and want to have their relying on their parents. They believe that developing skills at work is considerably superior to attending a college. Moreover, there are numerous young people want to start earning money as soon as possible.
On the other hand, I believe that it is more benefit for students to continue their studies. Firstly, continue studying will gain knowledge and be more competitive in the job. For example, it is difficult to get a job as a doctor or teacher. Secondly, a degree can open the door to better employment prospects
In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that students are more likely to be successful in their career if they continue studying at university or college.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "People have different views about students should to continue studying at university or college." -> "People hold varying opinions on whether students should continue their studies at university or college."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by rephrasing and using a more academic structure, avoiding the informal expression "have different views about."

  2. "While some argue that it would be better for student to get a job after passing school." -> "While some argue that students would be better off entering the workforce after completing high school."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance clarity and formality by replacing "get a job" with "entering the workforce" and rephrasing the latter part of the sentence.

  3. "Many young people want to be independent and want to have their relying on their parents." -> "Many young individuals aspire to attain independence and self-reliance, rather than depending on their parents."
    Explanation: The recommended changes introduce more sophisticated vocabulary, such as "attain independence" and "self-reliance," aligning with academic style while preserving the original meaning.

  4. "They believe that developing skills at work is considerably superior to attending a college." -> "They believe that acquiring skills in the workplace is significantly superior to attending college."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the intended meaning while using more precise language, replacing "developing skills at work" with "acquiring skills in the workplace."

  5. "Moreover, there are numerous young people want to start earning money as soon as possible." -> "Moreover, many young individuals aspire to commence earning money as soon as possible."
    Explanation: The suggested changes involve a more formal phrasing, replacing "numerous young people want to" with "many young individuals aspire to" for enhanced academic tone.

  6. "On the other hand, I believe that it is more benefit for students to continue their studies." -> "On the contrary, I believe that continuing their studies is more beneficial for students."
    Explanation: The proposed alterations enhance formality by rephrasing the sentence and replacing "it is more benefit for" with "more beneficial for."

  7. "Firstly, continue studying will gain knowledge and be more competitive in the job." -> "Firstly, continuing their studies will lead to the acquisition of knowledge and enhance their competitiveness in the job market."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more structured and formal expression, avoiding the incomplete phrase "continue studying will gain knowledge" and offering a clearer presentation of ideas.

  8. "For example, it is difficult to get a job as a doctor or teacher." -> "For instance, securing a job as a doctor or teacher is a challenging endeavor."
    Explanation: The recommended changes introduce a more sophisticated vocabulary, replacing "difficult to get a job" with "a challenging endeavor," aligning with academic style.

  9. "Secondly, a degree can open the door to better employment prospects." -> "Secondly, a degree can significantly improve one’s employment prospects."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision by using the phrase "significantly improve" instead of "open the door to better."

  10. "In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that students are more likely to be successful in their career if they continue studying at university or college." -> "In conclusion, while both perspectives have validity, it is my contention that students are more likely to achieve success in their careers by continuing their studies at university or college."
    Explanation: The revised conclusion maintains formality, clarity, and precision, avoiding unnecessary phrases and providing a more assertive expression of the author’s standpoint.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both views on the topic, mentioning the idea of starting work immediately after high school and presenting the opposite perspective favoring continued studies at university or college. However, the discussion is somewhat brief and lacks depth. There is a need for a more thorough analysis of the advantages and disadvantages associated with each option.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, provide more detailed arguments for both sides of the issue. Explore the implications of choosing each path, considering factors such as personal development, financial stability, and long-term career prospects.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance in favor of continuing studies at university or college. This position is evident in the conclusion, stating that students are more likely to be successful in their career if they continue studying. However, the introduction lacks a clear indication of the writer’s position.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the introduction clearly communicates the writer’s position on the issue. This sets the tone for the rest of the essay and provides a roadmap for the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in the discussion. For instance, when discussing the benefits of immediate employment, it mentions independence and earning money but does not elaborate on these points. Similarly, the advantages of continuing studies are briefly mentioned without detailed exploration.
    • How to improve: Expand on each idea by providing specific examples, evidence, or anecdotes. Develop the arguments further to make the essay more convincing and thorough.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but lacks a smooth and logical flow between ideas. There are minor digressions that could be confusing for the reader.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to the organization of ideas. Use clear transitional phrases to guide the reader through the different sections of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay adequately addresses the prompt and maintains a consistent position, improvements can be made in terms of depth of analysis, clarity in the introduction, elaboration of ideas, and overall organization. Consider providing a more comprehensive examination of each viewpoint and supporting the arguments with specific examples for a more nuanced and convincing response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. The introduction presents the two views, and each paragraph discusses one perspective coherently. However, there are moments where the flow is hindered. For instance, the shift from discussing reasons to start working immediately to the personal belief about the benefits of continuing studies could be smoother. The lack of a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points also affects the logical closure of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smooth transition between ideas. The essay could benefit from a stronger concluding paragraph that succinctly summarizes the main points from both perspectives, reinforcing the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is evident, but there is room for improvement. Each paragraph attempts to address a specific idea, yet the lack of a clear topic sentence in some makes the main point less discernible. The paragraph discussing the benefits of starting work immediately after high school could be more focused and better structured.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by incorporating clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more manageable parts, ensuring each paragraph contributes distinctly to the overall argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are used, but there is a limited range. Basic connectors like ‘while’ and ‘moreover’ are employed, but more diverse and sophisticated cohesive devices, such as pronouns, parallel structures, or transitional phrases, could enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices to include a variety of linking words, pronouns, and parallel structures. This will create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs, reinforcing the logical connection between ideas. For instance, replacing repetitive phrases with pronouns or employing parallel sentence structures can elevate the essay’s cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. Basic words are often repeated, and there is a lack of variety in expressing ideas. For instance, the frequent use of phrases like "young people" and "get a job" suggests a reliance on a limited set of terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and alternative expressions. Instead of repetitive phrases, employ a broader spectrum of vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely. For example, using synonyms for "young people," such as "adolescents" or "youth," would add diversity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits imprecise vocabulary usage. The term "considerably superior" is vague and lacks specificity. Additionally, the phrase "relying on their parents" could be more precisely expressed, and "more benefit" is not a precise term.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "considerably superior," consider using more specific terms like "more advantageous" or "highly beneficial." Replace vague expressions like "more benefit" with words like "advantageous" or "beneficial."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally acceptable, with only minor issues such as "relying" (should be "reliance") and "should to continue" (should be "should continue"). However, there is a need for improvement in terms of word choice and usage.
    • How to improve: Review and proofread the essay carefully to catch minor spelling issues and improve overall word choice. Pay attention to common mistakes, such as "should to" instead of "should," and strive for precision in language use.

In summary, while the essay adequately conveys its ideas, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range and precision. Diversifying the choice of words and ensuring more accurate and specific expressions would contribute to a more effective presentation of the arguments. Additionally, a thorough proofreading process can enhance overall spelling and language accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of complexity and diversity. For instance, the essay predominantly relies on basic sentence structures, hindering its ability to showcase a more sophisticated command of the language. There is a need for the incorporation of complex sentences, such as those involving relative clauses or subordinate clauses, to enhance overall fluency and coherence.

    • How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences by incorporating relative clauses, appositives, and subordinate clauses. This can be achieved by varying the length and structure of sentences, contributing to a more engaging and nuanced expression of ideas. Ensure that the additional complexity does not compromise clarity; strive for a balance between sophistication and coherence.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable grasp of grammar, but there are noticeable instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, the phrase "students should to continue" should be revised to "students should continue." Additionally, there is a lack of subject-verb agreement in "there are numerous young people want to start earning money," where "want" should be corrected to "who want." Punctuation, such as the inconsistent use of periods at the end of sentences, contributes to a lack of precision.

    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, careful proofreading is essential. Review each sentence for subject-verb agreement, correct verb tense usage, and eliminate unnecessary words or phrases. Pay particular attention to articles and prepositions to ensure their appropriate usage. Consistently apply punctuation rules, such as using periods at the end of sentences. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify and address specific grammatical issues.

Bài sửa mẫu

People hold varying opinions on whether students should continue their studies at university or college. While some argue that students would be better off entering the workforce after completing high school. Many young individuals aspire to attain independence and self-reliance, rather than depending on their parents. They believe that acquiring skills in the workplace is significantly superior to attending college. Moreover, many young individuals aspire to commence earning money as soon as possible.

On the contrary, I believe that continuing their studies is more beneficial for students. Firstly, continuing their studies will lead to the acquisition of knowledge and enhance their competitiveness in the job market. For instance, securing a job as a doctor or teacher is a challenging endeavor. Secondly, a degree can significantly improve one’s employment prospects.

In conclusion, while both perspectives have validity, it is my contention that students are more likely to achieve success in their careers by continuing their studies at university or college.

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