Some people believe that technology has made our lives easier, while others believe that it has had negative effects on our society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Admittedly, Technological advances have significantly impacted our lives. Some people believe that technology is making people's lives more convenient, while others believe that it has a negative impact on society. Although we can easily see negative social changes due to the development of technology, I cannot deny the conveniences they bring to our lives. It would be difficult to imagine life without technology.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Admittedly" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
Explanation: Starting with "It is widely acknowledged that" instead of "Admittedly" sets a more formal and neutral tone for the essay, which is preferable in academic writing.
"Technological advances" -> "Advancements in technology"
Explanation: "Advancements in technology" is a more precise and formal way to refer to the progress within the field of technology.
"impacted" -> "influenced"
Explanation: "Influenced" is a more academically appropriate term than "impacted," which can be considered too informal for this context.
"making people’s lives more convenient" -> "enhancing the convenience of daily life for individuals"
Explanation: "Enhancing the convenience of daily life for individuals" is a more formal and detailed way of expressing how technology improves people’s lives.
"negative impact on society" -> "adverse effects on societal structures"
Explanation: "Adverse effects on societal structures" is a more precise and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, than "negative impact on society."
"we can easily see" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal and objective way to introduce observable facts or trends, avoiding the informal tone of "we can easily see."
"I cannot deny" -> "one cannot overlook"
Explanation: Changing "I cannot deny" to "one cannot overlook" shifts the sentence from a personal opinion to a more generalized, formal statement, which is preferred in academic writing.
"the conveniences they bring to our lives" -> "the conveniences they afford"
Explanation: "The conveniences they afford" is a more succinct and formal way to express the benefits technology provides, removing the unnecessary reference to "our lives" which can be implied.
"It would be difficult to imagine life without technology." -> "Life without technology would be markedly different."
Explanation: "Life without technology would be markedly different." is a more formal and precise way of stating the importance of technology in modern life, avoiding the informal phrasing of "It would be difficult to imagine."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views presented in the prompt by acknowledging that some people believe technology has made lives easier while others argue it has negative effects on society. However, the discussion lacks depth and analysis. While it briefly mentions the convenience of technology, it doesn’t delve into the negative impacts, nor does it offer a balanced examination of both perspectives.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more comprehensive analysis of both the positive and negative aspects of technology on society. This could involve providing specific examples or statistics to support each viewpoint and offering a more nuanced exploration of how technology affects different aspects of life.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s stance is somewhat unclear. While it briefly acknowledges both perspectives, it leans towards the belief that technology has made lives easier without fully exploring or defending this position. The lack of clarity in the thesis statement and throughout the essay weakens the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should clearly state their opinion in the introduction and then ensure that each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint. Providing stronger supporting arguments and counterarguments can also help strengthen the clarity of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks in-depth discussion and support for its ideas. While it briefly mentions the conveniences of technology, it fails to extend or elaborate on these points with specific examples or evidence. Additionally, it does not address the negative impacts of technology or provide sufficient support for its overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples, anecdotes, or data to illustrate their points. This could involve discussing how technology has improved communication, efficiency, or access to information, while also acknowledging issues such as social isolation or job displacement. Strengthening the argument with relevant evidence will make it more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the general theme of technology’s impact on society. However, it lacks depth in its exploration of both perspectives and does not fully engage with the complexities of the issue. The brief mention of negative social changes due to technology is not adequately developed.
- How to improve: To stay more focused on the topic, the writer should avoid generalizations and ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt. This could involve providing specific examples or discussing various aspects of technology’s impact, such as its effects on relationships, work, education, or healthcare. By exploring the topic in greater depth, the essay will be more cohesive and relevant.

Overall, while the essay briefly addresses the prompt, it lacks depth, clarity, and support for its arguments. To improve, the writer should provide a more comprehensive analysis of both views, clearly state their position, support their ideas with specific examples or evidence, and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay introduces the topic of technology’s impact on society, presenting both positive and negative perspectives. However, the organization lacks depth and clarity. The ideas are somewhat scattered, with a brief acknowledgment of both viewpoints but without a clear indication of the essay’s direction or structure. For instance, the essay briefly mentions negative social changes without elaborating on specific examples or providing a coherent argument. Additionally, the conclusion abruptly shifts to a personal opinion without sufficient development or transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay more clearly. Start with a concise introduction that outlines the main points and the writer’s stance. Then, dedicate separate paragraphs to each viewpoint, providing evidence, examples, and analysis to support each perspective. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence and guide the reader through the argument. In the conclusion, summarize the main points and reiterate the writer’s opinion, providing a more cohesive ending to the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay consists of a single paragraph, which affects its readability and organization. The lack of distinct paragraphs makes it challenging for the reader to follow the essay’s flow and identify key points. Furthermore, the absence of paragraph breaks limits the opportunity to develop ideas coherently within discrete sections.
- How to improve: Incorporate paragraph breaks to divide the essay into distinct sections, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Start with an introductory paragraph that presents the topic and thesis statement. Then, create separate paragraphs for each viewpoint, supporting evidence, and personal opinion. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression of ideas. Consider using transitions to connect paragraphs and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, resulting in a limited range of transitions and connections between ideas. While some cohesive devices are used (e.g., "although," "while"), they are applied sparingly and do not effectively facilitate the flow of the argument. As a result, the essay feels disjointed and lacks coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to improve coherence and cohesion. Incorporate a variety of transitional words and phrases (e.g., "however," "on the other hand," "moreover," "furthermore") to establish logical connections between ideas and paragraphs. Use pronouns, demonstratives, and conjunctions effectively to clarify relationships between sentences and maintain coherence. Additionally, consider using parallel structure and repetition strategically to reinforce key points and enhance coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it effectively uses terms such as "technological advances," "convenient," and "social changes," there is limited variation in vocabulary beyond these terms. For instance, synonyms or related terms could be utilized to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve the lexical range, the author could incorporate a broader array of vocabulary. This could involve using synonyms or related terms to express ideas in a more nuanced manner. For example, instead of repeatedly using "technology," alternatives like "innovation," "digital advancements," or "technological evolution" could be employed to enrich the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately; however, there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "negative social changes" is somewhat vague. It would benefit from specifying the nature of these changes for clearer communication.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the author should aim for more specific and targeted vocabulary. Instead of using general terms like "negative social changes," they could specify particular impacts, such as "reduced interpersonal interactions," "increased screen addiction," or "erosion of traditional values." This will convey the intended meaning more precisely and effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are some minor instances of misspellings and typographical errors, such as "Admittedly," which lacks a comma after it to introduce the subsequent clause. Such errors do not significantly impede comprehension but indicate a need for closer attention to detail.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the author should engage in thorough proofreading and utilize spell-checking tools. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically before finalizing it can help catch and correct any spelling errors or typographical mistakes. Taking the time to revise and edit carefully will contribute to overall clarity and professionalism in written communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence employs a compound-complex structure ("Admittedly, Technological advances have significantly impacted our lives"), showcasing the ability to construct varied sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further, such as incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses or utilizing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion for added sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence types, such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or inversion for emphasis. Experiment with varying sentence lengths and structures to maintain reader engagement and convey ideas more dynamically. Additionally, strive to use rhetorical devices judiciously to add nuance and flair to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies detract slightly from the clarity of the writing. For example, the phrase "Technological advances have significantly impacted our lives" would be more grammatically correct as "Technological advances have had a significant impact on our lives," with the addition of "had" for tense consistency. Additionally, there is a missing comma after "Although" in the sentence "Although we can easily see negative social changes due to the development of technology," which affects the flow and clarity of the sentence.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, pay close attention to verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Review the proper usage of punctuation marks, such as commas, semicolons, and dashes, to ensure clarity and coherence in your writing. Consider utilizing proofreading techniques, such as reading the essay aloud or seeking feedback from peers, to identify and rectify any lingering grammatical or punctuation errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common grammatical pitfalls and practice applying grammatical rules in various contexts to strengthen your proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Admittedly, it is widely acknowledged that technological advances have greatly influenced our lives. Some individuals argue that technology enhances the convenience of daily life for individuals, while others assert its adverse effects on societal structures. Although we can easily observe negative social changes resulting from technological development, it is evident that one cannot overlook the conveniences they afford. Life without technology would be markedly different.

In conclusion, while there are valid concerns about the negative impacts of technology on society, such as social isolation and job displacement, it is undeniable that technology has also brought immense convenience and efficiency to our lives. Therefore, striking a balance between embracing technological advancements and mitigating their adverse effects is crucial for fostering a harmonious society in the digital age.