Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is said that drastically narrowing income gaps is the most optimal measure to promote societal happiness. Personally. I partly agree with this idea, as minor income disparities can foster equality within society and reduce crime rates. However, reducing wealth inequality alone does not always automatically increase life satisfaction.
The first reason why I believe that smaller income gaps contribute to a happier society is that this can promote fairness among member's of society. Individuals compensated equally often no longer resent, envy or bear a grudge against each other. Hence, this can not only avert social conflicts but also foster social cohesion, build trust, and increase life satisfaction, as with Denmark and Norway, which often rank high in global happiness indices due to relatively low-income inequality.
Another justification for my belief that bridging the income gaps improves societal happiness is that the number of miscreants often declines considerably. The unequal distribution of wealth is usually deemed a breeding ground for violent crime, such as theft or robbery, as criminals tend to view these illegal activities as the only way to improve their finances. Therefore, reducing economic disparities can pave the way for a peaceful society where citizens can be put at ease and feel safe whether they are at home or socialize with friends, contributing to life happiness.
However. I would argue that to make citizens happier, other* forms of inequality should also be addressed. For instance, in India, the Dalit community, where individuals are marginalized and considered untouchable, faces extreme social and political discrimination, and they are often confronted with public humiliation and denied access to basic human needs, such as food, education, and healthcare. Thus, striving for class or racial equality which can create an equitable society where people enjoy the same rights and benefits can also promote societal happiness.
In conclusion, I somewhat concur that smaller income differences can be the ideal method to foster societal equality and decrease crime rates, thus allowing citizens to derive fulfillment. Nevertheless, increasing inclusivity is also requisite to enhance societal well-being.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is said that" -> "It is argued that"
Explanation: "It is argued that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a statement that is supported by various perspectives, aligning better with academic style.
"Personally. I partly agree" -> "I partially agree"
Explanation: Removing the period after "Personally" corrects the punctuation error, and "partially" is a more formal synonym for "partly" in academic writing.
"minor income disparities" -> "modest income disparities"
Explanation: "Modest" is a more precise and formal term than "minor" when describing the extent of income differences, fitting better in an academic context.
"member’s of society" -> "members of society"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form "member’s" to "members" to maintain grammatical accuracy and formality.
"compensated equally often no longer resent, envy or bear a grudge against each other" -> "equally compensated individuals no longer resent, envy, or bear grudges against one another"
Explanation: Revising to "equally compensated individuals" clarifies the subject, and using "bear grudges against one another" instead of "bear a grudge against each other" enhances the formality and flow of the sentence.
"this can not only avert social conflicts but also foster social cohesion" -> "this not only averts social conflicts but also fosters social cohesion"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense consistency and removes the unnecessary "can" for a more direct and formal expression.
"often rank high in global happiness indices" -> "consistently rank high in global happiness indices"
Explanation: "Consistently" provides a more precise and formal alternative to "often," emphasizing the regularity of the ranking.
"miscreants" -> "criminals"
Explanation: "Miscreants" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used; "criminals" is more straightforward and universally understood in academic writing.
"pave the way for a peaceful society" -> "facilitate a peaceful society"
Explanation: "Facilitate" is a more precise and formal term than "pave the way for," which is somewhat idiomatic and less formal.
"put at ease" -> "feel secure"
Explanation: "Feel secure" is a more direct and formal way to express the intended meaning, avoiding the colloquialism "put at ease."
"other* forms of inequality" -> "other forms of inequality"
Explanation: Removes the unnecessary asterisk, which is typically used for footnotes or emphasis, not for correcting typos or clarifying text.
"striving for class or racial equality" -> "pursuing class or racial equality"
Explanation: "Pursuing" is a more formal and precise verb than "striving," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"enjoy the same rights and benefits" -> "enjoy equal rights and benefits"
Explanation: "Equal" is more specific and formal than "the same," enhancing the clarity and precision of the statement.
"increasing inclusivity is also requisite" -> "increasing inclusivity is also necessary"
Explanation: "Necessary" is a more commonly used and accepted term in formal academic writing than "requisite," which is less standard in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. It presents a balanced view, agreeing partly with the notion that smaller income gaps can enhance happiness while also acknowledging that other forms of inequality must be addressed. The writer effectively covers both sides of the argument, providing examples from Denmark and Norway to support the claim about income equality. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement, which is crucial for fully answering the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should clearly state their position on the extent of their agreement or disagreement at the beginning of the essay and reiterate this stance in the conclusion. This would provide a more definitive answer to the prompt and enhance clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position, indicating a partial agreement with the idea that reducing income disparities can lead to a happier society. However, the use of phrases like "I partly agree" can create ambiguity about the author’s overall stance. The transition between discussing income inequality and other forms of inequality could also be smoother to maintain clarity.
- How to improve: The writer should use more assertive language to clarify their position. Instead of "I partly agree," they could specify the extent of their agreement in more concrete terms. Additionally, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help reinforce the main argument and guide the reader through the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the argument that smaller income gaps can lead to societal happiness, such as promoting fairness and reducing crime rates. The examples provided, particularly the reference to Denmark and Norway, effectively illustrate the points made. However, the discussion of other forms of inequality, while relevant, feels somewhat underdeveloped and could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or statistics when discussing the impact of income inequality on crime rates and societal happiness. Additionally, expanding on the discussion of other inequalities, such as racial or social discrimination, with specific examples or case studies would strengthen the argument and provide a more comprehensive view.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays focused on the topic of income inequality and its relation to societal happiness. The writer successfully connects their points back to the central theme. However, the introduction of other forms of inequality, while relevant, could distract from the main argument if not integrated effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that any discussion of other inequalities directly ties back to the main argument about income disparity and societal happiness. This could involve framing the discussion of other inequalities as complementary to the argument about income gaps, rather than as a separate point. Clear transitions between ideas will help maintain coherence and relevance throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of argumentation, and focus. By refining these aspects, the writer can enhance their overall score in the Task Response category.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the relationship between income inequality and societal happiness. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, and each paragraph addresses a distinct point that supports this stance. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses fairness, while the second focuses on crime rates. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing income inequality to addressing other forms of inequality in the third paragraph feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For instance, at the end of the second paragraph, a sentence could be added to hint at the upcoming discussion on other inequalities, such as, "While income inequality is significant, it is essential to recognize that other forms of inequality also play a crucial role in societal happiness."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. However, the use of paragraphing could be improved by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that directly states the main argument of that paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with, "One significant way that smaller income gaps contribute to societal happiness is by promoting fairness among members of society." This would provide clarity and help the reader understand the focus of each paragraph immediately.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "therefore," and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For example, the phrase "this can" is repeated in the first body paragraph, which can detract from the overall cohesion of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to avoid repetition. Instead of repeating "this can," you might use "such an approach may" or "this strategy has the potential to." Additionally, incorporating more advanced cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand" or "in contrast," could enhance the essay’s sophistication and clarity.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "income gaps," "societal happiness," "social cohesion," and "marginalized." The use of phrases like "breeding ground for violent crime" and "pave the way for a peaceful society" showcases an ability to convey complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the phrase "income gaps" appearing multiple times, which could be varied.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "income gaps," you could use "economic disparities," "wealth inequality," or "financial divides." This will not only enrich the essay but also demonstrate a broader lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "minor income disparities can foster equality" could be misleading; "minor" suggests that the disparities are small, which may not accurately reflect the context of income inequality. Additionally, the term "miscreants" is somewhat formal and may not fit the context as well as "criminals" would.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that the vocabulary used aligns precisely with the intended meaning. For example, replace "minor" with "smaller" or "reduced" to clarify that the essay refers to the benefits of reduced income disparities. Also, consider using more common terms when appropriate to maintain clarity and accessibility.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors. However, there is a notable mistake with "member’s," which should be "members" (the apostrophe indicates possession, which is incorrect in this context). Additionally, "other*" appears to be a typographical error that disrupts the flow of the sentence.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words can enhance overall spelling proficiency.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource category, demonstrating a more sophisticated and precise use of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "Individuals compensated equally often no longer resent, envy or bear a grudge against each other" showcase the use of parallel structure effectively. Additionally, the use of conditional clauses, such as "if citizens are happier," adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of less varied sentence openings, which could make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more introductory phrases or clauses to start sentences. For instance, instead of beginning multiple sentences with "The first reason why…" or "Another justification for…", you could use transitions such as "Moreover," "In addition," or "Furthermore," to create a smoother flow and maintain reader engagement. Experimenting with different sentence lengths and structures will also help to diversify the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "member’s of society" should be corrected to "members of society" to eliminate the incorrect possessive form. Additionally, the use of periods instead of commas in "Personally. I partly agree" and "However. I would argue" disrupts the flow and clarity of the writing. The punctuation errors can lead to confusion and detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for punctuation errors and ensure that possessive forms are used correctly. A good strategy is to read the essay aloud, which can help identify awkward phrasing or punctuation issues. Additionally, practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors, such as possessive nouns and punctuation, will strengthen overall grammatical skills. Consider using grammar-checking tools to catch errors that may be overlooked during the initial writing process.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to minor errors and further diversification of sentence structures will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that drastically narrowing income gaps is the most effective measure to promote societal happiness. Personally, I partially agree with this idea, as modest income disparities can foster equality within society and reduce crime rates. However, reducing wealth inequality alone does not automatically lead to increased life satisfaction.

The first reason why I believe that smaller income gaps contribute to a happier society is that they can promote fairness among members of society. Individuals who are compensated equally often no longer resent, envy, or bear grudges against one another. Hence, this not only averts social conflicts but also fosters social cohesion, builds trust, and increases life satisfaction, as seen in countries like Denmark and Norway, which consistently rank high in global happiness indices due to their relatively low income inequality.

Another justification for my belief that bridging income gaps improves societal happiness is that the number of criminals often declines considerably. The unequal distribution of wealth is usually deemed a breeding ground for violent crime, such as theft or robbery, as criminals tend to view these illegal activities as the only way to improve their finances. Therefore, reducing economic disparities can facilitate a peaceful society where citizens feel secure, whether they are at home or socializing with friends, ultimately contributing to their overall happiness.

However, I would argue that to enhance citizens’ happiness, other forms of inequality should also be addressed. For instance, in India, the Dalit community, which is marginalized and considered untouchable, faces extreme social and political discrimination. They are often confronted with public humiliation and denied access to basic human needs, such as food, education, and healthcare. Thus, pursuing class or racial equality can create an equitable society where individuals enjoy equal rights and benefits, further promoting societal happiness.

In conclusion, I somewhat concur that smaller income differences can be an ideal method to foster societal equality and decrease crime rates, thus allowing citizens to derive fulfillment. Nevertheless, increasing inclusivity is also necessary to enhance societal well-being.