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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a statement that the educational programs of high school must include unpaid community activities, such as instructing sports to minors or enhancing their local living. I agree with this viewpoint because doing these services could help raise awareness and enhance the career commitment of students.
The cognitive development of teenagers, especially in high school, is extremely important to produce a prestigious citizen. Exposing to the unfortunate stories of many lives and experiencing a true hard-working day with all different kinds of people can enhance the perspective of students’ worldview, and encourage them to become a better version of themselves. For example, there is a recent study found that children who frequently do charity activities with their parents or in school tend to show more compassion to people when they grow up, these individuals also have a lower committed crime rate than others.
One more benefit that mandatory community service can bring is the determination of high school students to make career decisions. The young people will figure out what they love by doing various public service tasks, leading to the suitable profession that they will pursue in the future. For instance, numerous people who achieve high accomplishments in healthcare fields tend to find out their passion during school charity events in their hometown. It can be said that these activities are the inspirations for many individuals’ careers, and that explains why I support the community service policy in many schools.
In conclusion, changing students' minds in a positive way and triggering their interests are the two major factors that mandatory unpaid public services can bring. Resembling with many people, I believe this change should apply in every high school.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "doing these services could help raise awareness" -> "engaging in these services could contribute to raising awareness"
    Explanation: Replacing "doing these services" with "engaging in these services" adds formality to the sentence, and "contribute to raising awareness" is a more refined expression.

  2. "Exposing to the unfortunate stories of many lives" -> "Being exposed to the unfortunate stories of numerous lives"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks grammatical accuracy. Changing it to "Being exposed to the unfortunate stories of numerous lives" enhances clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  3. "encourage them to become a better version of themselves" -> "motivate them to cultivate personal growth"
    Explanation: Substituting "become a better version of themselves" with "motivate them to cultivate personal growth" conveys the idea more precisely and elevates the level of vocabulary.

  4. "there is a recent study found" -> "recent research has found"
    Explanation: Using "recent research has found" instead of "there is a recent study found" improves grammatical structure and aligns with academic writing conventions.

  5. "tend to show more compassion to people" -> "tend to display greater compassion towards others"
    Explanation: "Show more compassion to people" is refined to "display greater compassion towards others" for a more formal and academically appropriate expression.

  6. "these individuals also have a lower committed crime rate than others" -> "they also exhibit a lower rate of committed crimes"
    Explanation: The suggested change provides a more precise and formal representation of the idea, using "exhibit a lower rate of committed crimes" instead of "have a lower committed crime rate."

  7. "One more benefit that mandatory community service can bring is" -> "Another benefit that mandatory community service can yield is"
    Explanation: Substituting "One more benefit that mandatory community service can bring is" with "Another benefit that mandatory community service can yield is" improves coherence and formality.

  8. "The young people will figure out what they love" -> "Young individuals will discern their passions"
    Explanation: Replacing "The young people will figure out what they love" with "Young individuals will discern their passions" maintains formality and precision in expression.

  9. "For instance, numerous people who achieve high accomplishments in healthcare fields" -> "For instance, many individuals who attain significant achievements in healthcare professions"
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality and precision of the sentence by replacing "numerous people" with "many individuals" and specifying "healthcare professions" instead of "healthcare fields."

  10. "Resembling with many people, I believe this change should apply in every high school." -> "Similar to many others, I believe this change should be implemented in every high school."
    Explanation: "Resembling with many people" is replaced with "Similar to many others," and "apply in every high school" is changed to "be implemented in every high school" for improved clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It agrees with the statement that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs. It discusses the impact on cognitive development and career determination, providing examples to support the argument.
    • How to improve: The essay is comprehensive in addressing all elements of the prompt. To enhance further, consider incorporating more specific examples or data to bolster the points made.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer consistently supports the idea that mandatory community service is beneficial for students in terms of cognitive development and career determination.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the main idea and directly relates to the thesis statement. This will help in presenting a more cohesive argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It discusses the cognitive development of teenagers, the impact of charity activities on compassion, and the role of community service in career determination. Specific examples are provided to illustrate each point.
    • How to improve: While the essay is well-supported, consider adding more depth to the analysis by delving into specific instances or providing additional research to strengthen the argument further.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, discussing the benefits of mandatory community service in high schools and supporting this viewpoint throughout. There are no significant deviations from the main theme.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument. Avoid introducing unrelated ideas that could distract from the main point.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a well-structured argument in favor of mandatory community service in high schools. The ideas are coherent and supported by relevant examples. To enhance the essay further, consider incorporating more specific examples and delving deeper into the analysis. Additionally, ensure each paragraph reinforces the main position to strengthen the overall clarity of the essay. Overall, a well-written response deserving of the given Band Score of 8.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction presenting the author’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a logical progression, discussing the cognitive development of teenagers and the benefits of mandatory community service. The conclusion neatly summarizes the main points. However, some minor inconsistencies in the organization could be addressed for enhanced coherence.
    • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider refining the transition between paragraphs. Ensure a smooth flow of ideas by using cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs more explicitly. For example, using transitional phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph structure. For instance, the second paragraph is lengthy and covers multiple ideas. Breaking it into two distinct paragraphs, one for cognitive development and another for career determination, would enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph revolves around a single main idea. This clarity will aid readers in understanding and following the argument. Additionally, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to provide a clear overview of the upcoming content.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices adequately, such as linking words like "for example" and "one more benefit." However, there is a need for greater diversity in cohesive devices to strengthen the overall coherence. A more varied use of transitional phrases and synonyms could enhance the essay’s cohesion.
    • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. This could include temporal markers (e.g., "subsequently," "simultaneously"), contrast words (e.g., "however," "nevertheless"), and cause-and-effect connectors (e.g., "as a result," "consequently"). Experimenting with different cohesive devices will contribute to a more nuanced and connected argument.

Overall, the essay exhibits a solid foundation in coherence and cohesion, and with these suggested improvements, it can achieve an even higher level of clarity and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "cognitive development," "prestigious citizen," "compassion," and "determination." However, there is room for improvement as certain phrases and expressions are repeated, limiting the diversity of vocabulary. For instance, the repeated use of "high school" could be replaced with synonyms or alternative expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, strive for more variety in vocabulary. Replace repetitive terms with synonyms or use alternative phrases to express ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "high school," consider using terms like "secondary education" or "educational institution."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, but there are instances where more precise and nuanced language could be employed. For example, the phrase "change should apply" might benefit from a more specific term, such as "implement" or "adopt." Additionally, certain expressions, like "true hard-working day," could be refined for greater precision.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, carefully choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Replace general terms with more specific ones where appropriate. In the case of "true hard-working day," consider a more nuanced expression like "authentic work experience" to convey a deeper understanding of the concept.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "instructing sports" (should be "instructing sports to"). These errors do not significantly impact comprehension but should be addressed for a higher level of accuracy.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, pay close attention to details during the proofreading process. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools, and consider seeking feedback from others to catch any overlooked errors. In the specific example mentioned, ensure that prepositions are appropriately used to convey the intended meaning, such as "instructing sports to minors."

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the essay employs straightforward declarative sentences ("I agree with this viewpoint because…") alongside more complex structures ("Exposing to the unfortunate stories of many lives and experiencing a true hard-working day with all different kinds of people can enhance the perspective…"). However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as the use of conditional sentences or inversion, to enhance the overall sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. For instance, experiment with using conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations or inversion to add emphasis. This will add complexity to your writing and contribute to a more nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be refined for clarity. For example, in the sentence, "There is a recent study found that children who frequently do charity activities with their parents or in school tend to show more compassion to people when they grow up," the use of "found" disrupts the sentence structure. It would be more accurate to say, "There is a recent study that found children who frequently engage in charity activities with their parents or at school tend to show more compassion as they grow up." Additionally, there are a few punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence structure and ensure that the placement of words and phrases contributes to clarity. Proofread for punctuation errors, especially after introductory phrases. Utilize tools like grammar checkers and take time to review your writing to catch and correct these issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy, there is room for improvement in both sentence structure variety and precision to elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a notion that high school educational programs should include obligatory community activities without pay, such as teaching sports to younger children or improving the local neighborhood. I agree with this perspective because engaging in these services could contribute to raising awareness and enhance students’ commitment to their future careers.

The cognitive development of teenagers, especially during high school, plays a crucial role in shaping responsible citizens. Exposure to the struggles of various lives and participating in hard-working days with diverse groups of people can broaden students’ perspectives and inspire them to become better individuals. Recent research has found that children engaging in charity activities either with their parents or at school tend to display greater compassion towards others as they grow up. Additionally, these individuals exhibit a lower rate of committed crimes than their counterparts.

Another benefit that mandatory community service can yield is assisting high school students in making informed career decisions. By undertaking various public service tasks, young individuals can discern their passions, leading them to choose professions that align with their interests. For instance, many individuals who attain significant achievements in healthcare professions often discover their passion during school charity events in their hometown. This suggests that these activities serve as inspiration for many individuals’ future careers.

In conclusion, positively influencing students’ perspectives and sparking their interests are the two primary advantages of mandatory unpaid community services. Similar to many others, I believe this change should be implemented in every high school, fostering a sense of responsibility and commitment among the younger generation.

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