Some people believe that young people know about international pop and movie stars but know very little about famous people from the history of their own country. Why is this? How can more interest to be created in young people to gain more knowledge about their own famous people from history?
Some people believe that young people know about international pop and movie stars but know very little about famous people from the history of their own country. Why is this? How can more interest to be created in young people to gain more knowledge about their own famous people from history?
Some people are of the opnion that the young are currently keen on prevalent global entertainments rather than being aware of their own historical figures. This phenomenon can be influenced by several factors, but there are some methods that can be employed to foster a greater interest in national history among the younger generation.
One significant reason of this trend is the omnipresence of global entertainment media. Since the advent of digital platforms such as social media or online news, people have been continuosly exposed to international celebrities, who are easily accesible and probably visible. As it works based on the reference of users, international stars become more and more familiar to young audiences compared to their local historical figures. Another factor is the shift in educational systems. In recent years, schools tend to prioritize core subjects such as Maths, English or Literature instead of History, which is a theoretical subject. This might be because schools want to equip individuals with essential skills and knowledge required for the future careers.
To cope with this phenomenon, we can make use of numerous strategies. Firstly, morphing history into a media content can easily catch individuals’ attention. For example, creating multimedia content such as documentaries, podcasts or interactive apps that highlighting historical figures and events can make learning more appealing. Besides, involving young people in historical projects and community events can help them gain insights into history. Activities such as visiting museums or engaging in local heritage projects can provide hands-on experiences and personal connections to historical figures. For instance, Vietnamese students frequently visit the Temple of Literature, which is the first national university of Vietnam, to go sightseeing and delve deep into local ancient doctors.
In conclusion, the ubiquity of international celebrities among young people, as opposed to their own historical figures, is a consequence of the influence of global media and education which focus on global issues rather than that of their nation. These aforementioned methods will help young people not only appreciate contemporary stars but also learn valuable knowledge of their own historical figures.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people are of the opnion" -> "Some individuals hold the opinion"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error in "opinion" to "opinion" and replacing "people" with "individuals" enhances the formality and precision of the statement, aligning it with academic style. -
"keen on prevalent global entertainments" -> "interested in prevalent global entertainment"
Explanation: Changing "keen on" to "interested in" refines the phrase to a more formal and precise expression, and removing the plural "entertainments" to "entertainment" corrects the grammatical error. -
"foster a greater interest" -> "promote greater interest"
Explanation: Replacing "foster" with "promote" provides a more direct and academically appropriate verb choice, enhancing the clarity and formality of the sentence. -
"the omnipresence of global entertainment media" -> "the pervasive presence of global entertainment media"
Explanation: Replacing "omnipresence" with "pervasive presence" corrects the misuse of "omnipresence," which incorrectly implies omnipotence, and "pervasive" accurately describes the widespread nature of the media. -
"continuosly" -> "continuously"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "continuosly" to "continuously" ensures grammatical accuracy. -
"easily accesible" -> "easily accessible"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "accesible" to "accessible" maintains the professionalism of the text. -
"works based on the reference of users" -> "functions based on user preferences"
Explanation: Replacing "works based on the reference of users" with "functions based on user preferences" clarifies the meaning and uses more precise language suitable for an academic context. -
"morphing history into a media content" -> "transforming history into media content"
Explanation: Replacing "morphing" with "transforming" and removing "a" before "media content" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formality of the sentence. -
"catch individuals’ attention" -> "engage individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "catch individuals’ attention" with "engage individuals" uses a more formal and precise verb that is appropriate for academic writing. -
"involving young people in historical projects and community events" -> "engaging young people in historical projects and community initiatives"
Explanation: Replacing "involving" with "engaging" and "events" with "initiatives" refines the language to be more specific and formal, suitable for an academic essay. -
"delve deep into local ancient doctors" -> "explore the historical figures of local ancient doctors"
Explanation: Changing "delve deep into" to "explore" and adding "the historical figures of" clarifies the meaning and enhances the academic tone of the sentence. -
"education which focus on global issues" -> "education that focuses on global issues"
Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error from "which focus" to "that focuses" and changing "on" to "on" corrects the preposition usage, aligning with formal English grammar rules. -
"not only appreciate contemporary stars but also learn valuable knowledge of their own historical figures" -> "not only appreciate contemporary celebrities but also gain valuable knowledge about their own historical figures"
Explanation: Replacing "stars" with "celebrities" and "learn" with "gain" uses more precise and formal vocabulary, and adding "about" before "their own historical figures" corrects the prepositional error, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It identifies reasons why young people are more familiar with international pop and movie stars than with historical figures from their own country, citing the influence of global media and educational priorities. Additionally, it proposes methods to increase interest in national history, such as creating engaging media content and involving youth in historical projects. However, while the reasons are well-explained, the methods could benefit from more specific examples or elaboration on how these strategies could be implemented effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include more concrete examples of successful initiatives that have increased historical awareness among youth. For instance, mentioning specific documentaries or educational programs that have had a positive impact could strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that the prevalence of global entertainment and educational focus on core subjects contributes to a lack of knowledge about national history among young people. The stance is consistent, and the writer successfully communicates the need for a shift in focus towards historical education. However, there are minor lapses in clarity, particularly in the transition between discussing the reasons and the proposed solutions.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use clearer transitional phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next. For example, explicitly stating "To address these issues…" before introducing the solutions would help reinforce the connection between the identified problems and the proposed strategies.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas reasonably well, particularly in the discussion of the reasons for the trend. The mention of digital platforms and educational priorities provides a solid foundation for the argument. However, the support for the proposed solutions is less robust. While the suggestions are relevant, they lack depth and specific details that would make them more compelling.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should elaborate on the proposed strategies. For instance, providing examples of successful multimedia projects or community events that have effectively engaged young people with history would enhance the argument. Additionally, discussing potential challenges in implementing these strategies and how they could be overcome would provide a more nuanced view.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for young people’s lack of knowledge about their historical figures and suggesting ways to foster interest. There are a few instances where the language could be more precise, such as the phrase "global entertainments," which could be more clearly defined as "global entertainment media" to avoid ambiguity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all terminology used is clear and precise. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic statements or vague language would help keep the discussion tightly aligned with the prompt.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. By incorporating more specific examples, enhancing clarity in transitions, and providing deeper support for proposed ideas, the writer could further improve the quality of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the issue and the factors contributing to it. The body paragraphs are logically organized, with the first paragraph discussing reasons for the trend and the second suggesting methods to address it. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the progression from problem to solution is coherent. However, the transition between the reasons and the solutions could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For instance, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence like "To counteract these influences, various strategies can be implemented" would create a clearer link to the solutions discussed in the following paragraph.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion are clearly delineated. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to provide a clearer preview of the content. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One major reason for the youth’s lack of knowledge about local historical figures is the overwhelming presence of global entertainment media." This would help readers immediately understand the focus of the paragraph.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("and," "but"), referencing ("this phenomenon," "these aforementioned methods"), and lexical cohesion through synonyms ("global entertainment media," "international celebrities"). However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the second body paragraph where "can" is used frequently, which can detract from the overall fluency.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "can," try alternatives like "may," "could," or "is likely to." Additionally, using phrases like "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" can enhance the flow of ideas and make the connections between them clearer.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, but with targeted improvements in transitions, topic sentences, and the variety of cohesive devices, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "omnipresence," "prevalent," and "multimedia content" showcasing an attempt to use more sophisticated language. However, there are instances of repetition and a lack of variety in word choice. For example, the term "young people" is used multiple times without synonyms or variations, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or paraphrasing. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "young people," alternatives such as "youth," "the younger generation," or "teenagers" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and verbs can enrich the text.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to use precise vocabulary, there are notable inaccuracies. For example, the phrase "theoretical subject" to describe history may not fully capture its practical implications and relevance. Additionally, "morphing history into a media content" is awkwardly phrased and could be clearer.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "theoretical subject," consider "subject that may be perceived as less practical." For "morphing history into a media content," a more precise phrase could be "transforming historical narratives into engaging media formats." This will enhance the clarity and impact of your arguments.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "opnion" (opinion), "continuosly" (continuously), and "accesible" (accessible). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a break and then review it with fresh eyes, focusing specifically on spelling. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing software can help identify and correct mistakes before submission. Regular practice with vocabulary lists can also reinforce correct spelling.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying word choice, ensuring clarity in vocabulary usage, and enhancing spelling practices, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly improved.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "This phenomenon can be influenced by several factors" and "In recent years, schools tend to prioritize core subjects such as Maths, English or Literature instead of History" showcases the writer’s ability to construct sentences that convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "Another factor is" or "Firstly," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Another factor is," alternatives like "Additionally," or "Moreover," could be employed. The writer could also experiment with different ways to combine ideas, such as using relative clauses or participial phrases to create more complex sentences.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "opnion" should be corrected to "opinion," and "continuosly" to "continuously." Additionally, the phrase "which is a theoretical subject" could be more clearly expressed as "which is often perceived as a theoretical subject." Punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas in lists (e.g., "Maths, English or Literature" should include a comma before "or" for clarity).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that all sentences are grammatically correct. A helpful strategy would be to read the essay aloud to catch mistakes or awkward phrasing. Additionally, the writer should familiarize themselves with punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in lists and clauses. Practicing with grammar exercises and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also aid in refining these skills.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to detail in grammar, punctuation, and sentence variety will enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some people are of the opinion that young people are currently keen on prevalent global entertainment rather than being aware of their own historical figures. This phenomenon can be influenced by several factors, but there are some methods that can be employed to foster greater interest in national history among the younger generation.
One significant reason for this trend is the pervasive presence of global entertainment media. Since the advent of digital platforms such as social media and online news, people have been continuously exposed to international celebrities, who are easily accessible and highly visible. As it functions based on user preferences, international stars become more and more familiar to young audiences compared to their local historical figures. Another factor is the shift in educational systems. In recent years, schools tend to prioritize core subjects such as Maths, English, and Literature instead of History, which is often viewed as a theoretical subject. This might be because schools want to equip individuals with essential skills and knowledge required for future careers.
To cope with this phenomenon, we can make use of numerous strategies. Firstly, transforming history into engaging media content can easily catch individuals’ attention. For example, creating multimedia content such as documentaries, podcasts, or interactive apps that highlight historical figures and events can make learning more appealing. Besides, involving young people in historical projects and community initiatives can help them gain insights into history. Activities such as visiting museums or engaging in local heritage projects can provide hands-on experiences and personal connections to historical figures. For instance, Vietnamese students frequently visit the Temple of Literature, which is the first national university of Vietnam, to go sightseeing and explore the historical figures of local ancient doctors.
In conclusion, the ubiquity of international celebrities among young people, as opposed to their own historical figures, is a consequence of the influence of global media and education that focuses on global issues rather than those of their nation. The aforementioned methods will help young people not only appreciate contemporary stars but also gain valuable knowledge about their own historical figures.