Some people believe that young people should choose the jobs that they want, but other people think they should be more realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that young people should choose the jobs that they want, but other people think they should be more realistic and think more about their future.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

One commonly held perception is that it is necessary for teenagers to apply for jobs whatever they like. Others, however, believe that they should select the high salary one or can be developed in the future. From my point of view, I think they need to pick realistic work as a choice.

One of the primary benefits of young people doing their favorite work is boosting motivation. They can keep working for a long time without being bored so the labor productivity will be increased. Most teenagers start at a low salary and then they earn more in the future. With their hobby job, the more they determine their duties, the more opportunities for them to be promoted. Ronaldo is one of the typical examples who started playing football with a low wage, but until now he has been one of the millionaires by effort all time.

In contrast to this, is one commonly held perception that doing a practical job is the easier way to earn more money and sustainable. Occasion does not always come to them, so they need to seize the chance that will help them earn more money in the future. Statistically, most teenagers regret losing their opportune time and after that they continue in finding another one. Finally, pressure from family, friends,… make them choose the high salary work. They don't want to be criticized and want to make money as soon as to help family

In conclusion, both options have two opposite sides but doing the high paying job is a better selection, they should be promoted to be responsible to family and society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "One commonly held perception" -> "A prevalent view"
   Explanation: "A prevalent view" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase that maintains the formal tone of the essay.

2. "apply for jobs whatever they like" -> "pursue employment opportunities in fields they prefer"
   Explanation: "Pursue employment opportunities in fields they prefer" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "whatever they like."

3. "select the high salary one" -> "opt for positions with higher salaries"
   Explanation: "Opt for positions with higher salaries" is more specific and formal, avoiding the vague and informal "the high salary one."

4. "pick realistic work as a choice" -> "select realistic career paths"
   Explanation: "Select realistic career paths" is more formal and specific, replacing the casual "pick realistic work as a choice."

5. "boosting motivation" -> "enhancing motivation"
   Explanation: "Enhancing motivation" is a more formal and precise term than "boosting," which is somewhat colloquial.

6. "keep working for a long time without being bored" -> "maintain their engagement over extended periods without experiencing boredom"
   Explanation: "Maintain their engagement over extended periods without experiencing boredom" is more formal and precise, avoiding the casual "keep working for a long time without being bored."

7. "labor productivity will be increased" -> "productivity will increase"
   Explanation: "Productivity will increase" is a more direct and formal expression, avoiding the unnecessary word "labor."

8. "Most teenagers start at a low salary and then they earn more in the future" -> "Many teenagers begin with lower salaries, which can increase over time"
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the progression of salaries and avoids the informal "they earn more in the future."

9. "With their hobby job" -> "In their preferred profession"
   Explanation: "In their preferred profession" is more formal and precise than "With their hobby job," which is informal and vague.

10. "the more they determine their duties" -> "the more they define their responsibilities"
    Explanation: "Define their responsibilities" is a more formal and precise term than "determine their duties."

11. "Ronaldo is one of the typical examples" -> "Ronaldo serves as a notable example"
    Explanation: "Serves as a notable example" is more formal and academically appropriate than "is one of the typical examples."

12. "Occasion does not always come to them" -> "Opportunities do not always arise for them"
    Explanation: "Opportunities do not always arise for them" is clearer and more formal than "Occasion does not always come to them."

13. "Statistically, most teenagers regret losing their opportune time" -> "Statistics indicate that many teenagers regret missed opportunities"
    Explanation: "Statistics indicate that many teenagers regret missed opportunities" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward construction "losing their opportune time."

14. "pressure from family, friends,… make them choose the high salary work" -> "pressure from family and friends often leads them to choose high-paying jobs"
    Explanation: "Pressure from family and friends often leads them to choose high-paying jobs" is more formal and avoids the ellipsis, which is informal in academic writing.

15. "want to make money as soon as to help family" -> "seek to earn income quickly to support their families"
    Explanation: "Seek to earn income quickly to support their families" is more formal and precise, replacing the informal "want to make money as soon as to help family."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding whether young people should pursue jobs they are passionate about or opt for more realistic, financially stable options. The first paragraph introduces the topic and presents the two perspectives, while the body paragraphs discuss the benefits of pursuing passion and the practicality of choosing high-paying jobs. However, the discussion could be more balanced; the argument for pursuing passion is somewhat stronger than the counterargument. The conclusion briefly summarizes the views but does not explicitly state the author’s opinion clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should ensure that both perspectives are equally explored. The author could include more examples or evidence supporting the viewpoint that emphasizes realistic job choices. Additionally, the conclusion should clearly articulate the author’s stance, making it evident which side they ultimately support.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that favors choosing realistic jobs over pursuing passion. However, the clarity of this position fluctuates throughout the essay. While the author states their opinion in the introduction, the body paragraphs sometimes focus more on the advantages of pursuing passion without adequately reinforcing the author’s stance on choosing realistic jobs.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their viewpoint in each paragraph. Phrases like "In my opinion" or "From my perspective" can be used to reinforce the author’s stance. Additionally, summarizing the position in the conclusion with a strong statement would help solidify the clarity of the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the motivation derived from pursuing passion and the financial stability associated with realistic job choices. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the example of Ronaldo is relevant but could be elaborated on to better illustrate the point about pursuing passion leading to success. The counterargument regarding the pressure to choose high-paying jobs is mentioned but lacks depth and specific examples.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve discussing specific careers that exemplify the benefits of both approaches or citing studies that show trends in job satisfaction versus income. Additionally, using more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures could enhance the overall quality of the argumentation.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two viewpoints regarding job selection for young people. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of societal pressure could be more directly tied to the main argument about job selection. The conclusion also introduces a somewhat vague idea about responsibility to family and society without clearly linking it back to the job choice debate.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of job selection. It may help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. The conclusion should also succinctly tie back to the main discussion, reiterating how the points made throughout support the author’s final stance on the issue.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of pursuing a favorite job to the contrasting view of choosing a practical job lacks a smooth connection. The argument about motivation in the first paragraph is somewhat abruptly followed by the contrasting viewpoint without a clear linkage that indicates a shift in perspective.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate a shift from one idea to another, such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea to be discussed, which will help guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. However, the second paragraph could be further divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the benefits of pursuing a passion and the other on the potential drawbacks of not being realistic. This would help to clarify the points being made and provide a more balanced discussion of both views.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and supporting details. Consider starting a new paragraph when introducing a new aspect of the argument or when shifting from one viewpoint to another. This will enhance readability and allow for clearer development of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "in contrast," and "finally," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the phrase "is one commonly held perception" is awkwardly placed and disrupts the flow of the argument. Additionally, the use of ellipses in "friends,…" is informal and detracts from the overall coherence of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "for instance," and "therefore." This will help to create smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. Additionally, avoid informal punctuation and phrasing to maintain a formal tone throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, refining the logical flow, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help to achieve a higher score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "motivation," "labor productivity," and "opportune time." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "high salary" and "doing their favorite work." Additionally, the use of "one commonly held perception" appears twice, which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "high salary," alternatives such as "lucrative positions" or "well-paying jobs" could be employed. Additionally, varying phrases like "doing their favorite work" with "pursuing their passions" or "engaging in preferred careers" would enrich the essay’s lexical diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "select the high salary one or can be developed in the future" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The term "occasion" in "occasion does not always come to them" is also vague and does not effectively convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and precision in word choice. For instance, instead of "select the high salary one," a clearer phrasing would be "choose a job that offers a high salary." Additionally, replacing "occasion" with "opportunity" would provide a more accurate and contextually appropriate term. Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context can help improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "opportune" (which should be "opportunity") and "millionaires by effort all time" (which is awkwardly phrased and could be improved for clarity). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or flashcards. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Reading more extensively can also improve spelling and reinforce correct word forms.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary suitable for the IELTS Task 2, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and focusing on spelling, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. While there are some complex sentences, such as "One of the primary benefits of young people doing their favorite work is boosting motivation," the overall variety is lacking. Many sentences are simple or compound, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the sentence "They can keep working for a long time without being bored so the labor productivity will be increased" could be restructured to enhance complexity and fluency.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex and compound-complex sentences. For instance, they could use subordinate clauses to add depth, such as: "Although pursuing a favorite job can lead to increased motivation, it is essential to consider the long-term financial stability that comes with more practical career choices." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and transition words can help create a more engaging flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, the phrase "the high salary one or can be developed in the future" is awkward and unclear. The use of "Occasion does not always come to them" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "Opportunities do not always come to them." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the misuse of ellipses in "friends,…" and the lack of commas in complex sentences, detract from the overall readability.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for commas and conjunctions, will improve clarity. For example, the sentence "They don’t want to be criticized and want to make money as soon as to help family" could be revised for clarity and correctness: "They don’t want to be criticized and wish to make money quickly to support their families."

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, improving the variety of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly raise the band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

One commonly held perception is that it is necessary for teenagers to pursue employment opportunities in fields they prefer. Others, however, believe that they should opt for positions with higher salaries or those that can be developed in the future. From my point of view, I think they need to select realistic career paths as a choice.

One of the primary benefits of young people engaging in their favorite work is enhancing motivation. They can maintain their engagement over extended periods without experiencing boredom, which leads to increased productivity. Most teenagers begin with lower salaries, which can increase over time. In their preferred profession, the more they define their responsibilities, the more opportunities arise for them to be promoted. Ronaldo serves as a notable example; he started playing football with a low wage, but through his efforts, he has become one of the wealthiest athletes in the world.

In contrast, there is a prevalent view that pursuing a practical job is an easier way to earn more money sustainably. Opportunities do not always arise for them, so they need to seize the chance that will help them earn more income in the future. Statistics indicate that many teenagers regret missed opportunities and subsequently continue to search for another one. Finally, pressure from family and friends often leads them to choose high-paying jobs. They may feel compelled to avoid criticism and seek to earn income quickly to support their families.

In conclusion, both options present contrasting perspectives, but I believe that pursuing a high-paying job is a more pragmatic choice. Young people should be encouraged to take responsibility for their families and society while also considering their long-term career satisfaction.