Some people believed that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven year old. other believe that it is important for your children to go to school as soon as possible. what do you thing are the advantages of attending school from young children.

Nowadays, society is developing and modernizing, so cultivating more knowledge is a necessary skill for yourself. Especially, educating children is still one of the debates that attracts many people about whether to let minors stay at home or go to school. Some people think raising children at home is necessary for safety and emotional development, but others emphasize that sending children to school early is essential for integration and adaptation to society. In my opinion, children aged 6 or 7 easily cultivate knowledge and develop their emotions. In this essay, I will give my advantages on these two issues.

The first issue that needs to be mentioned here is about those who agree that children should be raised at home. Those people often want to be close to and take care of their children, especially at that age, there will be many children who look very sick and not smart enough in a new environment, so taking care at home is also acceptable. When in an environment with too many children of the same age, a class with only 2 or 3 teachers may not be able to take care of all the children, so education becomes ineffective.

On the other hand, families with young children going to school at that age and those who are interested in this issue all believe that going to school early will be more effective. Because at that age, children's thinking is easy to perceive and absorb problems quickly, so in any situation, they can flexibly solve problems. Moreover, sending children to school early helps to determine their dreams and avoid learning unnecessary things later.

In conclusion, educating children from the beginning is part of the natural process for them to learn and form their thinking. On the contrary, raising children at home is not very effective but also makes the children's thinking slow to react.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"cultivating more knowledge is a necessary skill for yourself" -> "acquiring more knowledge is essential for personal development"
Explanation: "Acquiring more knowledge" is a more precise term than "cultivating," and "essential for personal development" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "necessary skill for yourself."
"Especially, educating children is still one of the debates" -> "Notably, the debate surrounding the education of children remains"
Explanation: "Notably" is a more formal transition word than "Especially," and "the debate surrounding the education of children remains" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"Some people think" -> "Some individuals contend"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal verb than "think," and it is more suitable for academic discourse.
"raising children at home is necessary for safety and emotional development" -> "raising children at home is crucial for safety and emotional development"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a stronger, more formal adverb than "necessary," enhancing the academic tone.
"sending children to school early is essential for integration and adaptation to society" -> "early school attendance is vital for social integration and adaptation"
Explanation: "Early school attendance" is a more precise term than "sending children to school early," and "vital" is a stronger, more formal adjective than "essential."
"children aged 6 or 7 easily cultivate knowledge and develop their emotions" -> "children aged 6 or 7 can readily acquire knowledge and develop their emotional intelligence"
Explanation: "Can readily acquire" is more precise and formal than "easily cultivate," and "emotional intelligence" is a more specific and academically recognized term than "emotions."
"give my advantages on these two issues" -> "present my arguments on these two issues"
Explanation: "Present my arguments" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for academic writing than "give my advantages."
"those who agree that children should be raised at home" -> "those who advocate for raising children at home"
Explanation: "Advocate for" is a more formal and precise expression than "agree that," and it aligns better with academic style.
"there will be many children who look very sick and not smart enough" -> "there may be numerous children who appear unwell and academically underprepared"
Explanation: "Appear unwell and academically underprepared" is a more precise and formal way to describe children’s conditions, replacing the colloquial "look very sick and not smart enough."
"taking care at home is also acceptable" -> "home care is also a viable option"
Explanation: "Home care is also a viable option" is more formal and specific than "taking care at home is also acceptable."
"families with young children going to school at that age and those who are interested in this issue all believe" -> "families with young children attending school at this age and proponents of this issue all contend"
Explanation: "Proponents of this issue" is a more formal and precise term than "those who are interested in this issue," and "contend" is more suitable for academic discourse than "believe."
"going to school early will be more effective" -> "early school attendance is likely to be more effective"
Explanation: "Early school attendance is likely to be more effective" is a more formal and precise expression than "going to school early will be more effective."
"children’s thinking is easy to perceive and absorb problems quickly" -> "children’s cognitive abilities are readily adaptable to problem-solving"
Explanation: "Cognitive abilities are readily adaptable to problem-solving" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "children’s thinking is easy to perceive and absorb problems quickly."
"avoid learning unnecessary things later" -> "avoid unnecessary learning later"
Explanation: "Avoid unnecessary learning later" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea, improving the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives on whether children should stay at home or attend school early. However, it fails to explicitly outline the advantages of attending school, which is the core requirement of the question. The essay mentions the benefits of early schooling but does not clearly delineate these advantages in a structured manner. For instance, while it states that children can absorb information quickly, it does not elaborate on how this translates into long-term benefits or specific skills gained from early education.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly list and elaborate on the advantages of attending school, such as socialization, structured learning, and exposure to diverse experiences. Each advantage should be clearly stated and supported with examples or explanations to provide a comprehensive answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that favors early schooling but does so inconsistently. The introduction suggests a balanced view by acknowledging both sides, but the conclusion leans towards the idea that home education is ineffective. This inconsistency may confuse readers regarding the writer’s true stance on the issue.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should choose a definitive stance in the introduction and consistently support this viewpoint throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" can help reinforce the chosen position. Additionally, summarizing the advantages of early schooling in the conclusion would solidify the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their development. For example, while it mentions that children can absorb information quickly, it does not provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate this point. The arguments are somewhat vague and could benefit from further elaboration. The essay also lacks a clear structure, which makes it difficult to follow the progression of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to present each idea in a separate paragraph, starting with a clear topic sentence. Following this, they should provide supporting details, examples, and explanations to extend each idea. This structured approach will enhance clarity and make the arguments more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally deviates into discussing the disadvantages of home education without adequately linking these points back to the advantages of early schooling. For instance, while discussing the ineffectiveness of home education, the writer does not connect this back to how schooling can provide a more effective alternative.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the advantages of attending school. This can be achieved by explicitly linking any counterarguments back to the main thesis. Additionally, using transition phrases can help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the relevance of each point to the topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it requires more structured development, clearer positioning, and a more focused response to fully meet the criteria for a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both viewpoints, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the discussion of home education and school education is somewhat abrupt. The introduction sets up the debate well, but the body paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis statement.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases that link the ideas together, such as "In contrast," or "Furthermore," to guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, but the paragraphing could be improved for clarity. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of home education, while the second addresses the advantages of early schooling. However, the points made in these paragraphs could be more clearly delineated. For example, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on emotional development and the other on safety concerns.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This can be achieved by clearly defining the topic of each paragraph and supporting it with relevant examples or explanations. Additionally, consider concluding each paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the key point made, reinforcing the argument before transitioning to the next idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand," and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the transition from discussing the safety of home education to the effectiveness of schooling could be more fluid.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Additionally," "Conversely," or "In addition to" to create smoother transitions between ideas. Furthermore, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help to maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a stronger overall performance in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Terms like "cultivating knowledge," "emotional development," and "integration" indicate an attempt to use varied language. However, phrases such as "children who look very sick and not smart enough" lack sophistication and could be expressed more effectively. The repetition of basic vocabulary (e.g., "children," "home," "school") detracts from the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and advanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeating "children," terms like "youngsters," "minors," or "youth" could be used. Additionally, using phrases like "cognitive development" instead of "cultivating knowledge" would elevate the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices are imprecise, leading to potential misunderstandings. For example, the phrase "look very sick and not smart enough" is vague and could imply negative connotations about children. The term "effective" is also used repetitively without clear context, which can confuse the reader about what is being measured.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using more precise language that accurately conveys their ideas. Instead of saying "children who look very sick," it would be better to say "children who may be vulnerable to illness." Additionally, clarifying what "effective" means in the context of education would enhance the precision of the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "year old" (should be "years old") and "your children" (should be "their children"). These errors detract from the professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spelling and grammar checking tools before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling of common educational terms and phrases can help reinforce correct usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, it requires improvement in range, precision, and spelling to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the quality of the writing but also improve clarity and effectiveness in communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the opening sentence uses a complex structure: "Nowadays, society is developing and modernizing, so cultivating more knowledge is a necessary skill for yourself." However, the essay primarily relies on straightforward constructions, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. The use of phrases like "On the other hand" and "In conclusion" indicates an attempt to organize thoughts clearly, but the overall range could be expanded.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of saying, "Those people often want to be close to and take care of their children," you could say, "Those people, who often prioritize emotional closeness, believe that taking care of their children at home is crucial." Additionally, experimenting with different sentence openings and varying the length of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "what do you thing are the advantages" should be corrected to "what do you think are the advantages." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "there will be many children who look very sick and not smart enough in a new environment," which could be more clearly articulated. Punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, also appear, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect word forms. For example, "your children" should be "their children" to maintain consistency in perspective. Practicing punctuation rules, particularly with complex sentences, will also help. Reading the essay aloud can assist in identifying awkward phrases and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools to catch errors before finalizing the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, society is developing and modernizing, making it essential to acquire more knowledge for personal development. Notably, the debate surrounding the education of children remains a significant topic, with differing opinions on whether children should stay at home or attend school. Some individuals contend that raising children at home is crucial for safety and emotional development, while others emphasize that early school attendance is vital for social integration and adaptation. In my opinion, children aged 6 or 7 can readily acquire knowledge and develop their emotional intelligence. In this essay, I will present my arguments on these two issues.

The first issue that needs to be addressed is the perspective of those who advocate for raising children at home. These individuals often desire to be close to and care for their children, especially at such a young age. Notably, there may be numerous children who appear unwell and academically underprepared in a new environment, making home care a viable option. Furthermore, in a classroom with many children of the same age, a limited number of teachers may struggle to provide adequate attention, resulting in ineffective education.

On the other hand, families with young children attending school at this age and proponents of this issue all contend that early school attendance is likely to be more effective. At this stage, children’s cognitive abilities are readily adaptable to problem-solving, allowing them to perceive and absorb information quickly. Moreover, sending children to school early helps to determine their dreams and avoid unnecessary learning later.

In conclusion, educating children from a young age is part of the natural process for them to learn and develop their thinking. Conversely, raising children at home may not only be less effective but could also hinder their ability to respond quickly to new situations.