Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ?
There is an ongoing trend that young people spend a short time traveling or working instead of directly attending university. While this tendency is advantageous in a few aspects, there are more compelling reasons to believe that its drawbacks far outweigh the positive sides
On the one hand, there are several evident benefits stemming from this phenomenon in terms of aiding in the selection of suitable majors and providing a much-needed respite. First of all, immersion in a working environment enables youngsters to gain an overall understanding of various industries, facilitating informed decisions in choosing academic paths. For example, during my sister's gap year, she worked at a local business, which broadened her perspective on different industries. This firsthand experience influenced her decision to pursue a major in business administration. Additionally, temporary breaks for travel allow for cultural enrichment and mental rejuvenation, potentially enhancing academic readiness upon return.
On the other hand, this trend also brings some detrimental shortcomings for those who take this route in terms of delays in academic progress and challenges in securing a stable career. To begin with, they tend to spend a longer duration obtaining bachelor's degrees, leading to a sense of peer pressure. Witnessing their peers achieve career stability while they are still pursuing education might evoke feelings of being left behind, creating psychological stress. Additionally, prolonged breaks and deep involvement in travel could potentially hinder individuals from re-entering tertiary education. Consequently, this may lead to a gap in academic qualifications, posing challenges in securing lucrative career prospects.
To sum up, while experiencing a work environment or exploring new places through travel offers advantages in some aspects, it is better for people to directly attend college. I would recommend that individuals strike a balance, allocating time appropriately for both academic advancement and personal growth through travel and work experiences for holistic development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"young people" -> "youth"
Explanation: "Young people" is a commonly used phrase, but in an academic context, "youth" can offer a more formal and concise term without losing clarity.
"positive sides" -> "benefits"
Explanation: The phrase "positive sides" is a bit informal. Substituting it with "benefits" maintains the formality of the language while conveying the intended meaning.
"First of all" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: While not incorrect, "First of all" is slightly informal. "Firstly" is a more commonly used term in academic writing, aligning better with formal language expectations.
"youngsters" -> "individuals"
Explanation: "Youngsters" is informal; replacing it with "individuals" maintains formality and professionalism in academic writing.
"immersion" -> "engagement"
Explanation: "Engagement" is a more formal alternative to "immersion" and suits the academic tone better in this context.
"hand" -> "aspect"
Explanation: In academic writing, using "aspect" instead of "hand" is more appropriate and aligns better with a formal style.
"This firsthand experience" -> "This direct experience"
Explanation: "Firsthand" is somewhat colloquial. "Direct" provides a suitable and more formal alternative.
"To begin with" -> "First and foremost"
Explanation: "To begin with" is slightly informal; "First and foremost" maintains formality in academic writing.
"they are still pursuing education" -> "they are still in pursuit of education"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and aligns better with academic language expectations.
"While experiencing a work environment or exploring new places through travel offers advantages in some aspects" -> "While gaining exposure to a work environment or exploring new places through travel has its merits"
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the meaning but uses a more sophisticated structure and vocabulary, fitting for academic writing.
"I would recommend" -> "It is advisable"
Explanation: "I would recommend" is slightly informal. "It is advisable" maintains a formal tone in academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "On the one hand, there are several evident benefits stemming from this phenomenon in terms of aiding in the selection of suitable majors and providing a much-needed respite."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The essay initiates by acknowledging the benefits of taking time off before attending university. However, it lacks specificity regarding how exactly these experiences aid in major selection or how a break provides a "much-needed respite." Providing detailed examples or instances from personal experience would bolster this argument. For instance, detailing how exposure to different industries during a gap year directly helped in the decision-making process for a particular major or how the break contributed to mental rejuvenation could strengthen this point.
- Improved example: "Taking a year off before college can significantly aid in major selection. For instance, my cousin’s experience working in an engineering firm during his gap year not only clarified his interest in engineering but also helped him understand the diverse roles within the industry, leading to a more informed choice when selecting his major. Furthermore, my own gap year traveling allowed me to explore diverse cultures, enhancing my perspective and readiness for academic challenges upon my return to university."
Quoted text: "To sum up, while experiencing a work environment or exploring new places through travel offers advantages in some aspects, it is better for people to directly attend college."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion is somewhat ambiguous, stating that it is better for people to directly attend college without reinforcing the earlier arguments. To enhance the conclusion, revisit the main points discussed in the essay, reiterating how these experiences could contribute positively to personal growth but emphasizing the importance of formal education. Reaffirming the significance of a balanced approach, where these experiences complement rather than replace college education, would offer a more comprehensive closure.
- Improved example: "In conclusion, while the experiences gained through work or travel do offer valuable insights and personal development, they should ideally complement, rather than substitute, higher education. It’s crucial to strike a balance, allocating time for both academic advancement and personal growth. This holistic approach ensures not only a well-rounded individual but also maximizes the benefits of diverse experiences while leveraging the advantages of formal education."
Overall, the essay demonstrates a clear position on the topic throughout, but it would benefit from more specific and detailed examples to support its claims, especially in outlining how these experiences aid in major selection and contribute to personal growth. Additionally, a more robust conclusion summarizing the main arguments and reinforcing the importance of a balanced approach would further strengthen the essay’s overall coherence and persuasiveness.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the trend and the essay’s stance. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, with examples provided to support the arguments. Cohesive devices are used appropriately, contributing to the overall flow of the essay. The essay effectively presents both advantages and disadvantages, contributing to a well-balanced discussion. Additionally, paragraphing is generally clear, with each paragraph addressing a specific point related to the topic.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider strengthening the relationship between sentences within paragraphs. While cohesive devices are used appropriately, there is room for improvement in ensuring a seamless transition from one sentence to the next. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between advantages and disadvantages; ensure both sides receive equal attention and development. Overall, maintaining a consistent level of detail and analysis throughout the essay will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent response.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with a mix of common and less common lexical items. There is evidence of an attempt to convey precise meanings, and the writer uses less common vocabulary with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay also includes examples to support arguments, showcasing a variety of vocabulary related to the topic. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, which prevent it from reaching a higher band score.
How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource, the writer should focus on refining word choice and ensuring that less common vocabulary is used accurately in context. Attention to collocation and style can further elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay. Proofreading for occasional errors and refining the precision of vocabulary will contribute to a more consistent and polished piece.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of complex sentence structures, presenting ideas with a reasonable degree of accuracy and control. The writer employs a mix of complex and compound sentences, showcasing a solid attempt at varied structures. There’s a good control of grammar and punctuation, with the majority of sentences being error-free. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, slightly affecting clarity but not significantly impeding communication.
How to improve: To elevate the score, focus on refining the accuracy further. Review sentence structures to minimize errors, particularly in verb agreement and tense consistency. Proofreading for minor inaccuracies can elevate the essay to a more consistent level of grammatical accuracy and precision. Additionally, strive for more diverse and nuanced vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of expression.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a current trend where young individuals opt to spend a brief period traveling or working before directly enrolling in university. While this choice has certain advantages, there are more convincing reasons to believe that the drawbacks outweigh the positive aspects.
On the positive side, there are several clear benefits associated with this trend, such as assisting in the selection of suitable majors and providing a much-needed break. Firstly, immersing oneself in a working environment allows young people to gain a comprehensive understanding of various industries, aiding in informed decisions about academic paths. For instance, my sister, during her gap year, worked at a local business, broadening her perspective on different industries. This direct experience influenced her choice to pursue a major in business administration. Additionally, short breaks for travel contribute to cultural enrichment and mental rejuvenation, potentially enhancing academic readiness upon return.
However, this trend also brings about certain detrimental shortcomings for those who follow this path, including delays in academic progress and challenges in securing a stable career. Firstly, individuals who choose this route often take a longer time to obtain their bachelor’s degrees, leading to a sense of peer pressure. Observing their peers achieve career stability while they are still pursuing education might evoke feelings of being left behind, creating psychological stress. Furthermore, extended breaks and deep involvement in travel could potentially hinder individuals from re-entering tertiary education. Consequently, this may result in a gap in academic qualifications, posing challenges in securing lucrative career prospects.
In conclusion, while gaining work experience or exploring new places through travel offers advantages in some aspects, it is preferable for individuals to directly attend college. I would recommend that individuals strike a balance, allocating time appropriately for both academic advancement and personal growth through travel and work experiences for holistic development.