Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence for films of television and cinema. Others feel that violent films should be not released. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence for films of television and cinema. Others feel that violent films should be not released. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people posit that competent authorities should enact regulations to restrict the level of violent scenes in films and movies, others are sceptical about it, believing that it is not necessary to regualte violence in films. In this essay, I will examine both sides of this arguments before drawing a logical conclusion.
On the one hand, the high frequency of violent scenes in entertainment form such as film and movie can trigger brutal predisposition among audiences. This may be attributable to that fact that people is inclined to passively imitate the behaviours that they have prolonged exposure without distinguishing positive or negative effects. Particularly, children whose age group are easily influenced by external factors, are most likely to frequent watch films on television or go to cinema. A surveyed executed by McGill University in 2022 showed that more than 53% boys aged 12 – 15 who spent time watching extremely gory movies from 1 to 2 hours a day, have tendency to conduct adverse behaviors such as swearing, vandalizing things, being irritable … Therefore, watching films or movies without limiting the level of violence can exert such a detrimental effects on some audience groups.
On the other hand, some people advocates that violent movies and serials are for edutainment purposes. This is rooted in the fact that watching these kinds of movies and shows may sastify the needs for relaxation and also familiarize meaningful messages. Films or movies are vehicles where all assets of life are presented with transparency while filmmakers and their audience can have a conversation to truly dissect the matter, understand the world with open perspectives, and gain valuable lessons for themselves. Consequently, the violent scenes can act as a mirror to reflect reality; or in historical documentaries, violences are described genuinely to enlighten the brutality of war, leading to sympathy to the pain, hardships and conflicts among viewers. Thus, censorship of violence can discourage edutainment purposes and lessen viewer's experiences.
In conclusion, after all the above-mentioned facts are discussed, I am convinced to assert that censorshop is important to remove harmful content, however the goverment should regulate pertain on their levels and purposes.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"Some people posit" -> "Some individuals argue"
Explanation: "Posit" is somewhat informal and less precise in this context. "Argue" is more commonly used in academic writing to denote the presentation of a viewpoint or opinion. -
"competent authorities" -> "authoritative bodies"
Explanation: "Competent authorities" can be vague and less formal. "Authoritative bodies" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"regualte" -> "regulate"
Explanation: This is a spelling error. Correcting it to "regulate" maintains the formal tone and accuracy of the text. -
"entertainment form" -> "forms of entertainment"
Explanation: "Form" is singular and incorrect in this context. "Forms of entertainment" is the correct plural form, which is necessary to match the plural subject "entertainment." -
"trigger brutal predisposition" -> "influence violent tendencies"
Explanation: "Trigger brutal predisposition" is awkward and unclear. "Influence violent tendencies" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"people is inclined to passively imitate" -> "people tend to passively imitate"
Explanation: "People is" is grammatically incorrect. "People tend to" is the correct form, maintaining the formal tone. -
"children whose age group are" -> "children in this age group"
Explanation: "Children whose age group are" is grammatically incorrect. "Children in this age group" corrects the grammatical error and improves clarity. -
"frequent watch films" -> "frequently watch films"
Explanation: "Frequent" is an adjective, whereas "frequently" is the adverb needed here to correctly modify the verb "watch." -
"A surveyed executed" -> "A survey conducted"
Explanation: "A surveyed executed" is incorrect. "A survey conducted" is the correct phrase, which is commonly used in academic writing. -
"have tendency to conduct" -> "tend to engage in"
Explanation: "Have tendency to conduct" is awkward and verbose. "Tend to engage in" is more concise and academically appropriate. -
"exert such a detrimental effects" -> "have such a detrimental effect"
Explanation: "Exert such a detrimental effects" is grammatically incorrect. "Have such a detrimental effect" corrects the plural to singular agreement and improves the sentence structure. -
"advocates that" -> "argue that"
Explanation: "Advocates that" is less formal and slightly awkward. "Argue that" is more direct and suitable for academic discourse. -
"sastify" -> "satisfy"
Explanation: This appears to be a typographical error. Correcting it to "satisfy" maintains the intended meaning and formal tone. -
"edutainment purposes" -> "educational purposes"
Explanation: "Edutainment" is a neologism and may not be universally recognized. "Educational purposes" is a more established and widely accepted term in academic contexts. -
"censorshop" -> "censorship"
Explanation: "Censorshop" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "censorship" maintains the intended meaning and formal tone. -
"pertain on their levels and purposes" -> "regulate levels and purposes"
Explanation: "Pertain on their levels and purposes" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Regulate levels and purposes" is grammatically correct and clearer, enhancing the formal tone of the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the regulation of violence in films and television. The first paragraph outlines the perspective that regulation is necessary due to the potential negative impact on viewers, particularly children. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, arguing that violent films can serve educational purposes and provide valuable insights into reality. However, while both views are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more explicit comparison of the two perspectives, as well as a clearer articulation of the author’s own opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each viewpoint is not only presented but also critically analyzed in relation to the other. This could involve discussing the merits and drawbacks of each position more thoroughly and ensuring that the conclusion clearly reflects the author’s stance in relation to the arguments presented.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author’s position is somewhat clear in the conclusion, where they assert the importance of censorship while suggesting that regulation should be nuanced. However, throughout the essay, the position could be more consistently reinforced. For instance, the introduction mentions examining both sides before drawing a conclusion, which may lead to ambiguity about the author’s stance until the end.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer could include a brief statement of their opinion in the introduction, indicating their leanings before discussing both sides. Additionally, reiterating their viewpoint in the body paragraphs can help reinforce their stance and provide a cohesive argument.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the influence of violent films on children and the educational value of violent content. However, some points lack sufficient development. For example, the discussion on the educational value of violent films could be expanded with more specific examples or studies that illustrate this point. Additionally, the argument regarding the negative effects of violence could benefit from more statistical evidence or real-world examples to strengthen the claims made.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each claim. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or specific films that exemplify the points being made. Furthermore, ensuring that each idea is fully explored before moving on to the next will create a more robust argument.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the regulation of violence in films and television. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, such as the mention of "edutainment" without a clear connection to the main argument about regulation. The focus on the educational aspects of violent films, while relevant, could be more directly tied back to the question of regulation.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of whether the government should regulate violent content. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each argument back to the implications of regulation, ensuring that every point contributes to the overall discussion of the prompt.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could potentially achieve a higher band score by demonstrating a more comprehensive and cohesive response to the task.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the writer’s intention to explore both sides. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the negative impacts of violent films to the benefits of such films is somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely" can help signal shifts in perspective and improve the overall flow of the essay.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from a more distinct separation of ideas, as it currently blends multiple points without clear delineation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences. Consider starting each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main argument, followed by examples and explanations that reinforce that idea. This will help maintain focus and coherence within each paragraph.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting views. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This may be attributable to that fact that" is awkward and could be simplified for better clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically connects to the previous one, which can be achieved by using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, thus creating a more cohesive narrative.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on improving the logical flow, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will elevate the writing to a higher level of coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "competent authorities," "regulations," "brutal predisposition," and "edutainment." However, the use of synonyms for common words (e.g., "films" and "movies") is limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, phrases like "high frequency of violent scenes" and "detrimental effects" are appropriate, but the overall variety could be enhanced.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "films" and "movies," they could use "cinematic works," "motion pictures," or "visual media." Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more diverse texts can help expand vocabulary.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "sceptical about it" (which could be clearer as "sceptical about the need for regulation") and "have tendency to conduct adverse behaviors" (which should be "have a tendency to exhibit adverse behaviors"). The phrase "the high frequency of violent scenes in entertainment form such as film and movie" is awkward and could be more concisely expressed.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. They could revise sentences to eliminate unnecessary words and ensure that the intended meaning is clear. For example, rephrasing "the high frequency of violent scenes in entertainment form such as film and movie" to "the prevalence of violence in films" would improve clarity.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "regualte" (should be "regulate"), "sastify" (should be "satisfy"), "censorshop" (should be "censorship"), and "goverment" (should be "government"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used words in academic writing can be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an adequate command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding their vocabulary, refining their word choice for clarity, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("This may be attributable to that fact that people is inclined to passively imitate the behaviours that they have prolonged exposure without distinguishing positive or negative effects.") and compound sentences. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure. For instance, the repeated use of "Some people" at the beginning of paragraphs indicates a lack of variety in sentence openings. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear sentence construction that detract from the overall effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. Start some sentences with adverbial clauses or phrases to create a more engaging flow. For example, instead of beginning multiple sentences with "Some people," you could vary the subject or use transitional phrases like "In contrast," or "Conversely," to introduce differing viewpoints. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in creating more complex structures.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("people is inclined" should be "people are inclined") and incorrect word forms ("sastify" should be "satisfy"). Punctuation errors are also present, such as the misuse of commas, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion in meaning. For example, "the high frequency of violent scenes in entertainment form such as film and movie can trigger brutal predisposition among audiences" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles and prepositions. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify and correct mistakes. Additionally, practicing writing sentences with varying structures and ensuring that each sentence is complete and clear will enhance overall grammatical accuracy. Reading more academic essays can also provide insight into proper grammar and punctuation usage in context.
By addressing these areas of improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy, ultimately leading to a more coherent and persuasive argument.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some people posit that competent authorities should enact regulations to restrict the level of violent scenes in films and movies; others are sceptical about it, believing that it is not necessary to regulate violence in films. In this essay, I will examine both sides of this argument before drawing a logical conclusion.
On the one hand, the high frequency of violent scenes in forms of entertainment such as films and movies can trigger brutal predispositions among audiences. This may be attributable to the fact that people tend to passively imitate the behaviours to which they have prolonged exposure without distinguishing positive or negative effects. Particularly, children in this age group are easily influenced by external factors and are most likely to frequently watch films on television or go to the cinema. A survey conducted by McGill University in 2022 showed that more than 53% of boys aged 12 to 15 who spent time watching extremely gory movies for 1 to 2 hours a day tend to engage in adverse behaviours such as swearing, vandalizing things, and being irritable. Therefore, watching films or movies without limiting the level of violence can exert such detrimental effects on some audience groups.
On the other hand, some people argue that violent movies and serials are for educational purposes. This is rooted in the fact that watching these kinds of movies and shows may satisfy the need for relaxation and also convey meaningful messages. Films or movies are vehicles where all aspects of life are presented with transparency, allowing filmmakers and their audience to have a conversation to truly dissect the matter, understand the world with open perspectives, and gain valuable lessons for themselves. Consequently, the violent scenes can act as a mirror to reflect reality; in historical documentaries, violence is described genuinely to enlighten the brutality of war, leading to sympathy for the pain, hardships, and conflicts among viewers. Thus, censorship of violence can discourage educational purposes and lessen viewers’ experiences.
In conclusion, after all the above-mentioned facts are discussed, I am convinced that censorship is important to remove harmful content; however, the government should regulate levels and purposes.