Some people hold that we should spend money and time on the protection of wild animals while others suggest that the money should be spent on populations living in the poorest areas of the world. What is your opinion?

Some people hold that we should spend money and time on the protection of
wild animals while others suggest that the money should be spent on populations
living in the poorest areas of the world. What is your opinion?

It is widely a dilemma when people wonder which benevolent target is deserved to be spent in. While people harbor the view that endangered wild animals should be preserved by financial aids rather than inhabitants living in poverty stricken, I am of the opinion that equivalent investment in saving wildlife creatures and improving indigent lives. This essay will discuss the reason why it is worth investing in both categories, followed by relevant explanation and examples.
To commence with, wild species are on the brink of extinction as hunters commit illegal poaching, therefore investment in constructing nature reserve and initiating influent campaigns to reduce the number of endangered species. Firstly, natural sanctuaries are suitable places to avoid animals from being hunted illegally that helps eradicate trafficking of valuable animals’ body parts such as horns of rhinos and deer, ivories, and the like. This is because wild animals contribute to the diversity of nature and condition the ecosystem that nature reserve’s mission is to maintain the well-being of animals. The preserving mission is truly active when most countries have their own wildlife reserve that remain and maintain various red-listed animals, especially Ujung Kulon national Park in Indonesia, where 74 Java rhinos live under national and international preservation. Besides, preserving wildlife projects including diffusing ideology and imposing strict fines and on malpractices have a great impact on societal awareness and manipulate human to take actions. Investing money and time in such activities contribute in the decreasing number of illegal activities as people are afraid of money lost and criminal detention.
Meanwhile, not only do animals need protection, but humans also require a better sustainable life. In fact, with the passage of time, at which demands and standards of living are increasing, more and more people are beset with poverty, especially some destitute areas in developing countries, seizing the gap between social classes. It is necessary to support subsidy and job opportunities for those situations in order to soon achieve the threshold of developed countries. Furthermore, overall national economy and status will be affected if the population of poverty increase due to the lack of investment, instead low intellectual civic. Obviously seen in some countries that global statistic has reported Afghanistan to be one of the most penniless nations as residents are unable to maintain their stable lives. These are the reasons why efforts should be made to boost the living standards of population in poorest areas which bridging the societal gaps and maintaining sustainable country.
In conclusion, considering the difficulty of large number of budgets required to both animal’s preservation and life improvement, either should not be ignored since they have their own roles in this existent living land. It is better constructing suitable reserve with effective campaigns to secure wild species combined with financial supports for impoverished backgrounds to build a better world for whole living creatures.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is widely a dilemma" -> "It is a widely debated issue"
   Explanation: The phrase "It is widely a dilemma" is grammatically incorrect. "It is a widely debated issue" corrects the grammatical structure and aligns with formal academic language by using "debated issue" which is more precise and appropriate for formal writing.

2. "deserved to be spent in" -> "worthy of investment"
   Explanation: "Deserved to be spent in" is awkward and unclear. "Worthy of investment" is more direct and academically appropriate, clearly conveying the idea of something being deserving of financial support.

3. "inhabitants living in poverty stricken" -> "residents of impoverished areas"
   Explanation: "Poverty stricken" is an informal and somewhat archaic term. "Residents of impoverished areas" is more precise and contemporary, fitting the formal tone of academic writing.

4. "equivalent investment in saving wildlife creatures and improving indigent lives" -> "equivalent investment in preserving wildlife and improving the lives of the indigent"
   Explanation: "Saving wildlife creatures" is informal and vague. "Preserving wildlife" is more specific and formal. Also, "improving indigent lives" is awkward; "improving the lives of the indigent" is clearer and more formal.

5. "wild species are on the brink of extinction as hunters commit illegal poaching" -> "wild species are threatened with extinction due to illegal poaching"
   Explanation: "On the brink of extinction as hunters commit illegal poaching" is a bit wordy and informal. "Threatened with extinction due to illegal poaching" is concise and maintains a formal tone.

6. "influent campaigns" -> "influential campaigns"
   Explanation: "Inluent" is a typographical error. "Influential" is the correct term, which is crucial for maintaining the integrity of the text.

7. "diffusing ideology" -> "disseminating information"
   Explanation: "Diffusing ideology" is incorrect and unclear. "Disseminating information" is the correct term, which accurately describes the spread of ideas or knowledge.

8. "impose strict fines and on malpractices" -> "impose strict fines on malpractices"
   Explanation: "On malpractices" is grammatically incorrect. "On malpractices" corrects this error, making the sentence grammatically sound.

9. "Investing money and time in such activities contribute in the decreasing number of illegal activities" -> "Investing money and time in such activities contributes to a decrease in illegal activities"
   Explanation: "Contribute in the decreasing number of" is awkward and incorrect. "Contributes to a decrease in" is grammatically correct and clearer.

10. "beset with poverty" -> "afflicted with poverty"
    Explanation: "Beset with" is less common and slightly informal for this context. "Afflicted with" is more commonly used in formal writing to describe the condition of poverty.

11. "seizing the gap" -> "bridging the gap"
    Explanation: "Seizing the gap" is incorrect and unclear. "Bridging the gap" is the correct idiom, which accurately describes the action of narrowing the gap between social classes.

12. "low intellectual civic" -> "low intellectual capacity"
    Explanation: "Low intellectual civic" is unclear and incorrect. "Low intellectual capacity" is the correct term, referring to the intellectual abilities of a population.

13. "penniless nations" -> "poorest nations"
    Explanation: "Penniless nations" is an informal and somewhat archaic term. "Poorest nations" is more precise and commonly used in formal writing.

14. "constructing suitable reserve" -> "establishing suitable reserves"
    Explanation: "Constructing suitable reserve" is grammatically incorrect. "Establishing suitable reserves" corrects the grammatical structure and is more formal.

15. "effective campaigns to secure wild species" -> "effective campaigns to protect wild species"
    Explanation: "Secure" can imply a sense of safety or possession, which is not the intended meaning here. "Protect" is the correct term for safeguarding wild species.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the importance of investing in wildlife protection and the need to support impoverished populations. The writer presents a balanced view, indicating that both areas require attention. The introduction clearly states the intention to discuss both categories, which is a strong point. However, while the essay mentions both topics, the depth of discussion on human poverty could be improved, as it feels slightly less developed compared to the wildlife section.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics related to poverty alleviation efforts, similar to the detailed examples given for wildlife preservation. This would create a more balanced discussion and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of both issues.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that both wildlife and human welfare are important and deserving of investment. The writer articulates this stance well in the introduction and conclusion. However, the phrasing in some sections could lead to confusion, such as "equivalent investment," which may imply equal funding rather than a balanced approach. The transitions between the two main points could also be smoother to reinforce the position.
  • How to improve: To clarify the position, the writer could explicitly state the importance of prioritizing one area over the other in certain contexts or provide a more definitive conclusion that summarizes the argument more clearly. Using clearer transitional phrases between sections would also help maintain a consistent flow.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding wildlife preservation, such as the role of nature reserves and the impact of poaching. These points are well-supported with examples, particularly the mention of the Ujung Kulon National Park and the Java rhinos. However, the section on human poverty lacks similar depth and specific examples, which weakens the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to present more detailed examples related to poverty alleviation, such as successful initiatives or programs that have made a difference in impoverished areas. This would not only strengthen the argument but also demonstrate a thorough understanding of the complexities involved in both issues.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the investment in wildlife and human welfare. However, there are moments where the language becomes convoluted, which may distract from the main points. For instance, phrases like "manipulate human to take actions" can be confusing and detract from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should aim for clearer and more concise language. Simplifying complex sentences and avoiding jargon would help keep the reader engaged and ensure that the main points are easily understood. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates back to the thesis statement would reinforce the essay’s relevance to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a balanced view, but there is room for improvement in the depth of discussion on human welfare, clarity of position, and the presentation of ideas. By incorporating more specific examples and refining language, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s opinion and a body that discusses both sides of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the importance of wildlife preservation, while the second addresses the need for improving living standards in impoverished areas. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, as some sentences feel abrupt or disconnected, which can disrupt the overall flow of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "In addition") can help bridge ideas between sentences and paragraphs, creating a more cohesive narrative.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, contributing to the overall argument. However, the paragraphs could be more evenly balanced in terms of length and depth. The first body paragraph is significantly longer and more detailed than the second, which may lead to an imbalance in the discussion.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should aim for a more uniform distribution of content across paragraphs. This can be achieved by expanding on the points made in the second body paragraph with additional examples or explanations. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear concluding sentence that summarizes the main point can enhance clarity and cohesion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing. For example, phrases like "not only… but also" effectively link ideas within the text. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices used, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. Some sentences also lack clarity due to awkward phrasing, which can hinder the reader’s understanding.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "however," "in contrast," "for instance," and "therefore." Additionally, revising sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy will improve the overall coherence of the essay. For example, simplifying complex sentences and ensuring that each clause is clearly connected to the main idea will enhance readability.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, focusing on improving logical flow, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "benevolent," "indigent," "sanctuaries," and "penniless." These choices reflect an attempt to use sophisticated language. However, some phrases are awkward or incorrectly used, such as "deserved to be spent in" and "equivalent investment in saving wildlife creatures," which detract from clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim for more natural and idiomatic expressions. For example, instead of "deserved to be spent in," a more appropriate phrase would be "worthy of investment." Additionally, using synonyms or related terms can help diversify vocabulary without compromising clarity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that hinder understanding. For example, "the preserving mission is truly active" is vague and could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, "manipulate human to take actions" is misleading; "encourage people to take action" would be more accurate.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary choices accurately convey intended meanings. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and specificity. For instance, instead of "the gap between social classes," consider "the widening gap between social classes," which provides a clearer context.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "influent" (should be "influential"), "indigent" (while correct, it is less common and could be replaced with "impoverished" for clarity), and "penniless" (which is correct but could be simplified to "poor"). These errors can distract the reader and affect the overall impression of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or use spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing vocabulary lists can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a range of vocabulary, attention to precise usage and spelling will further enhance the quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "while people harbor the view" and "not only do animals need protection, but humans also require a better sustainable life" shows an attempt to employ more complex structures. However, there are instances where sentence construction is awkward or unclear, such as "equivalent investment in saving wildlife creatures and improving indigent lives," which lacks a verb and thus disrupts clarity. The essay could benefit from a more balanced use of varied structures to enhance readability and coherence.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences with clear main and subordinate clauses. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases can help connect ideas more fluidly. For example, instead of saying "This is because wild animals contribute to the diversity of nature," the writer could say, "This is primarily due to the fact that wild animals contribute significantly to the diversity of nature." Regularly reading high-scoring IELTS essays can also provide insights into effective sentence variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, phrases like "the preserving mission is truly active when most countries have their own wildlife reserve that remain and maintain various red-listed animals" contain subject-verb agreement errors ("that remain" should be "that remains"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. The phrase "imposing strict fines and on malpractices" is also awkwardly constructed, suggesting a lack of clarity in the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular and plural forms match correctly. Practicing sentence diagramming can help clarify sentence structure and identify errors. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, to ensure clarity. Additionally, proofreading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument and attempts to use a range of structures, it requires significant improvement in grammatical accuracy and clarity of expression to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice and revision, alongside targeted feedback, will aid in enhancing these skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is a widely debated issue when people ponder which benevolent target deserves financial investment. While some individuals believe that endangered wild animals should receive funding over residents living in impoverished conditions, I hold the opinion that equivalent investment in both preserving wildlife and improving the lives of those afflicted with poverty is essential. This essay will discuss the reasons why it is worthy of investment in both categories, followed by relevant explanations and examples.

To commence with, wild species are on the brink of extinction due to illegal poaching, which necessitates investment in establishing nature reserves and initiating influential campaigns to protect endangered species. Firstly, natural sanctuaries provide safe havens for animals, preventing illegal hunting and helping to eradicate the trafficking of valuable animal parts such as rhino horns, deer antlers, and ivory. This is crucial because wild animals contribute to the diversity of nature and play a vital role in maintaining the ecosystem. The mission of nature reserves is to ensure the well-being of these animals. The preservation efforts are particularly evident in countries that have established their own wildlife reserves, such as Ujung Kulon National Park in Indonesia, where 74 Java rhinos are protected under national and international conservation programs. Furthermore, wildlife preservation initiatives that focus on disseminating information and imposing strict fines for malpractices have a significant impact on societal awareness and encourage individuals to take action. Investing money and time in such activities contributes to a decrease in illegal activities, as people fear financial loss and criminal prosecution.

Meanwhile, not only do animals require protection, but humans also need sustainable living conditions. In fact, as time progresses and the demands for higher living standards increase, more individuals are afflicted with poverty, particularly in destitute areas of developing countries, which exacerbates the gap between social classes. It is necessary to provide subsidies and job opportunities to address these issues, ultimately helping these regions reach the development thresholds of more affluent nations. Moreover, the overall national economy and social status will be adversely affected if the population living in poverty continues to rise due to a lack of investment and low intellectual capacity. This is clearly illustrated in countries like Afghanistan, which has been reported as one of the poorest nations, where residents struggle to maintain stable lives. These reasons underscore the importance of efforts to enhance the living standards of populations in impoverished areas, thereby bridging societal gaps and fostering a sustainable country.

In conclusion, considering the significant budgets required for both wildlife preservation and improving living conditions, neither should be overlooked, as both play vital roles in our shared existence. It is imperative to establish suitable reserves with effective campaigns to protect wild species, alongside providing financial support for impoverished communities, to create a better world for all living creatures.