Some people play sport when they are young but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adults. Why is this? What can be done to solve this problem?

Some people play sport when they are young but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adults.

Why is this?

What can be done to solve this problem?

It is true that when embarking in adulthood, many people tend to quit doing exercise. There are a number of reason behind this trend, and several solution should be taken into account to address it.

A range of factors are responsible for the aforementioned problem. One reason for the decreasing interest in working out among adults is the busy daily life schedule. Due to hectic routines, grown people do not have free time to do physical exercise. For a better life, many individuals need to do multiple jobs to meet their demands, thereby they find no time to play sports or exercise. Another factor that contributes to this situation is the influence of modern technology. This is because increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and televisions has led to a sedentary lifestyle. Moreover, technology is often engaging and does not require to move around. Therefore, many individuals are likely to choose technological devices over workout.

Given these reasons, it is essential to explore effective solutions that can encourage physical activities among mature individuals. If the authorities control poverty, people do not have to thrive for many jobs to survive, thereby they have time for workouts. For example, in welfare states, people feel secure regarding their basic rights and thus do not work round the clock for survival, resulting in having free time for doing healthy activities. Another promising approach is to reduce exposure to technological devices. An effective strategy would be setting time limit for using innovative gadgets. This can encourage grown-ups to engage in healthy activities. As a result, they can stay fit and healthy while having the opportunity to enjoy the fresh air.

In conclusion, there are various causes for this issue, and a number of measures should be adopted to to tackle it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "when embarking in adulthood" -> "upon entering adulthood"
   Explanation: "Upon entering adulthood" is a more formal and precise phrase that better captures the transition from youth to adulthood, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "tend to quit doing exercise" -> "tend to discontinue exercising"
   Explanation: "Discontinue exercising" is a more formal and precise term than "quit doing exercise," which sounds informal and vague.

3. "There are a number of reason" -> "There are several reasons"
   Explanation: "Several reasons" is grammatically correct and more formal than "a number of reason," which is grammatically incorrect.

4. "solution should be taken into account" -> "solutions should be considered"
   Explanation: "Solutions should be considered" is grammatically correct and more formal than "solution should be taken into account," which is awkwardly phrased.

5. "range of factors are responsible" -> "range of factors is responsible"
   Explanation: The verb "are" should be replaced with "is" to agree with the singular noun "factor" in this context.

6. "busy daily life schedule" -> "busy daily schedules"
   Explanation: "Busy daily schedules" is grammatically correct and more precise, as it refers to the multiple schedules that adults may have.

7. "do not have free time to do physical exercise" -> "lack the time to engage in physical exercise"
   Explanation: "Lack the time to engage in physical exercise" is more formal and precise than "do not have free time to do physical exercise."

8. "For a better life, many individuals need to do multiple jobs" -> "to support their livelihood, many individuals are compelled to hold multiple jobs"
   Explanation: "To support their livelihood, many individuals are compelled to hold multiple jobs" is more formal and provides a clearer explanation of the necessity of multiple jobs.

9. "find no time to play sports or exercise" -> "have insufficient time for sports or exercise"
   Explanation: "Have insufficient time for sports or exercise" is more formal and precise than "find no time to play sports or exercise."

10. "does not require to move around" -> "does not necessitate movement"
    Explanation: "Does not necessitate movement" is more concise and formal than "does not require to move around."

11. "If the authorities control poverty" -> "If poverty is effectively addressed"
    Explanation: "If poverty is effectively addressed" is more precise and formal, focusing on the solution rather than the vague term "control."

12. "do not work round the clock for survival" -> "do not work excessively long hours for survival"
    Explanation: "Do not work excessively long hours for survival" is more specific and formal than "work round the clock for survival."

13. "setting time limit for using innovative gadgets" -> "establishing time limits for the use of innovative gadgets"
    Explanation: "Establishing time limits for the use of innovative gadgets" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.

14. "to to tackle it" -> "to address it"
    Explanation: "To address it" is grammatically correct and more formal than "to to tackle it," which is a typographical error.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt, identifying reasons why adults stop exercising and suggesting solutions. The reasons provided—busy schedules and the influence of technology—are relevant and well-articulated. The solutions proposed, such as addressing poverty and limiting screen time, are also pertinent. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the reasons and the solutions, as some readers may find it challenging to see how the proposed solutions directly address the identified causes.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should explicitly link each reason to its corresponding solution. For example, after discussing the busy schedules, the writer could suggest specific time management strategies or community programs that could help adults incorporate exercise into their routines. This would provide a clearer roadmap for addressing the issue.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position that recognizes the problem of adults ceasing physical exercise and the need for solutions. However, the introduction could be more assertive in stating the writer’s stance on the importance of addressing this issue. The conclusion reiterates the existence of the problem and the need for measures but lacks a strong, definitive statement on the writer’s viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should consider revising the introduction to include a more direct statement about the significance of the issue. Additionally, reinforcing the conclusion with a strong statement about the importance of addressing the decline in physical activity could enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the impact of busy lifestyles and technology on physical activity levels. Each idea is supported with explanations, which is a strength. However, the development of these ideas could be more robust. For instance, while the influence of technology is mentioned, the essay could include specific statistics or studies to bolster the argument. Similarly, the solutions could be expanded with examples of successful initiatives in other countries or communities.
  • How to improve: To improve this area, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support each point. Incorporating data, anecdotes, or references to successful programs could make the arguments more persuasive and engaging.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons adults stop exercising and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of "welfare states" could be elaborated upon to clarify how these systems specifically contribute to increased leisure time for exercise.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point directly relates back to the prompt. When introducing examples or concepts like welfare states, it would be beneficial to briefly explain their relevance to the topic of physical activity and adult lifestyles. This will help keep the reader engaged and ensure clarity throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, but there are opportunities for improvement in linking ideas, providing stronger support, and enhancing clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the problem and its causes, followed by a discussion of potential solutions. The logical flow is generally maintained, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the prompt. For example, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the reasons for the decline in physical activity among adults, while the second body paragraph shifts to potential solutions. However, the transition between the paragraphs could be smoother; for instance, the connection between the reasons and the solutions could be more explicitly stated to guide the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence like "To combat these challenges, several solutions can be implemented" would provide a clearer transition to the next paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct point, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of the paragraph, as the current opening sentence does not clearly indicate that solutions will be discussed.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly convey the main idea. For example, the second body paragraph could start with "Several effective solutions can be implemented to encourage adults to engage in physical activities." This would provide clarity and set the stage for the discussion that follows.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "due to," "thereby," and "for example," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For instance, the essay primarily relies on basic conjunctions and transitional phrases, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive and less sophisticated.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "another factor," consider alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "conversely." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" or "on the one hand… on the other hand," can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions can help elevate the writing to a higher level, potentially achieving a band score of 8 or above.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "busy daily life schedule," "sedentary lifestyle," and "engaging technology." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the use of terms like "exercise," "workouts," and "physical activities." This limits the overall lexical variety and sophistication expected at a higher band score.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "exercise," alternatives like "physical fitness," "workout routines," or "athletic activities" could be employed. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs could enrich the descriptions, such as "demanding schedules" instead of "busy daily life schedule."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "to thrive for many jobs" is awkward; the intended meaning might be clearer with "to strive for multiple jobs." Additionally, "thereby they find no time to play sports" could be more accurately expressed as "which leaves them with little time for sports." These inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on context and the exact meaning of words. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises that emphasize collocations and context-specific usage can help. Additionally, reviewing sentences for clarity and coherence before finalizing the essay can ensure that the vocabulary used aligns well with the intended message.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there are notable mistakes such as "solution" instead of "solutions" in "several solution should be taken into account," and "to to tackle it" where "to" is repeated. Such errors can detract from the professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that involves reading the essay multiple times, focusing specifically on spelling and grammatical errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing common spelling patterns in English can also be beneficial. Additionally, the writer could maintain a personal list of frequently misspelled words to review regularly.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and structure, improving the range and precision of vocabulary, as well as ensuring spelling accuracy, will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of various sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences are effectively utilized, such as "Due to hectic routines, grown people do not have free time to do physical exercise." This showcases the ability to combine clauses to convey more nuanced ideas. However, there is a noticeable reliance on similar sentence patterns, particularly in the first few paragraphs, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. For example, the repeated use of "thereby" and "this is because" to introduce explanations can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences that use different conjunctions and transitional phrases. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Another factor," try varying the structure by using introductory phrases or clauses. Additionally, integrating questions or exclamatory sentences can add dynamism to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "when embarking in adulthood" should be "when embarking on adulthood." Additionally, "there are a number of reason behind this trend" should be corrected to "there are a number of reasons behind this trend." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "thereby" in the sentence "thereby they find no time to play sports or exercise."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and correct preposition usage. Consider practicing grammar exercises focused on common errors, such as pluralization and prepositions. For punctuation, familiarize yourself with the rules surrounding the use of commas, particularly in complex sentences, to ensure that clauses are clearly separated and the flow of ideas is smooth.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that upon entering adulthood, many people tend to discontinue exercising. There are several reasons behind this trend, and several solutions should be considered to address it.

A range of factors is responsible for the aforementioned problem. One reason for the decreasing interest in working out among adults is their busy daily schedules. Due to hectic routines, many adults lack the time to engage in physical exercise. To support their livelihood, many individuals are compelled to hold multiple jobs to meet their demands, which leaves them with insufficient time for sports or exercise. Another factor contributing to this situation is the influence of modern technology. Increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and televisions has led to a sedentary lifestyle. Moreover, technology is often engaging and does not necessitate movement. Therefore, many individuals are likely to choose technological devices over workouts.

Given these reasons, it is essential to explore effective solutions that can encourage physical activities among mature individuals. If poverty is effectively addressed, people will not have to work excessively long hours for survival, thereby allowing them time for workouts. For example, in welfare states, individuals feel secure regarding their basic rights and thus do not work around the clock for survival, resulting in having free time for healthy activities. Another promising approach is to reduce exposure to technological devices. An effective strategy would be establishing time limits for the use of innovative gadgets. This can encourage adults to engage in healthy activities. As a result, they can stay fit and healthy while enjoying the fresh air.

In conclusion, there are various causes for this issue, and a number of measures should be adopted to tackle it.