Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 300 words.
Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.
To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 300 words.
Through millions of years of evolution, any evolutionary history of civilization have developed the communication ability so as tool transmission of information. This expression demonstrates preeminence of the human over other creatures. And music is considered as one of the most original communication means in the world wide, is tremendously essential and is dispensable with the human several cultures. Some people believe that is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and together. In my point of view, I am definitely in agreement with statement written.
First of all, music and human always come together along to gather for along time. According to historians, human have music to communicate and connect since the early days without prejudice. Undoubted by that, music is one of the environments to expose the human feeling and knowing. Their emotion,
Moreover, unlike normal talking, music does not require the listener must understand the words and means. The emotions contained within can be conveyed through melodies and measures. The joy and sadness culture besides, music is a characteristic that represent national culture and of identity. Each of them do possess their own separated rhythms which engage in the evolution of their cultures.
Nowadays, with the development of the Internet, people could easily approve new means of music as Rap, Pop, opera, rely on their demand and passion. As a consequence, many governors realize that the music industry is exactly an objective stepping’s foundation to promote culture and attract more future prospects for country’s economy in many different altern aims. The industry would result for example, Korean, pitch, music is for a powerful music empire worth billions of dollars. This empire entails mostly of GDP to this Korean economy.
In conclusion, music is an indecent produce of communicable without replace went. This way of transmission could frame the language barrier and connect different people from various cultural inclusively together.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"any evolutionary history of civilization" -> "the evolutionary history of civilization"
Explanation: The phrase "any evolutionary history" is redundant and unclear. Using "the evolutionary history" clarifies that it refers to the single, shared history of evolution among all civilizations. -
"so as tool transmission of information" -> "as a tool for transmitting information"
Explanation: The phrase "so as tool transmission of information" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "As a tool for transmitting information" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"This expression demonstrates preeminence of the human over other creatures." -> "This expression highlights the superiority of humans over other creatures."
Explanation: "Demonstrates preeminence" is a bit formal but less precise than "highlights the superiority," which is more direct and clear in academic writing. -
"is considered as one of the most original communication means in the world wide" -> "is considered one of the most original forms of communication worldwide"
Explanation: "Considered as" is redundant; "considered" alone is sufficient. Also, "world wide" is informal and should be replaced with "worldwide" for consistency and formality. -
"is tremendously essential and is dispensable with the human several cultures" -> "is crucial and indispensable to human cultures"
Explanation: "Tremendously essential" is redundant and "dispensable with" is incorrect; "crucial and indispensable" are more precise and academically appropriate. "Several" is also unnecessary before "cultures." -
"Some people believe that is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and together" -> "Some believe that this is a good way of bringing people from different cultures together"
Explanation: "People of different cultures and together" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "People from different cultures together" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"In my point of view, I am definitely in agreement with statement written" -> "From my perspective, I am unequivocally in agreement with this statement"
Explanation: "In my point of view" is informal and redundant; "From my perspective" is more formal. "Statement written" is vague; "this statement" is clearer and more direct. -
"music and human always come together along to gather for along time" -> "music and humans have always been together for a long time"
Explanation: "Come together along to gather for along time" is overly complex and grammatically incorrect. "Have always been together for a long time" is simpler and more accurate. -
"Undoubted by that, music is one of the environments to expose the human feeling and knowing" -> "Undoubtedly, music is one of the ways to express human emotions and understanding"
Explanation: "Undoubted by that" is incorrect; "Undoubtedly" is the correct adverb. "Environments to expose the human feeling and knowing" is awkward and unclear; "ways to express human emotions and understanding" is clearer and more formal. -
"The emotions contained within can be conveyed through melodies and measures" -> "The emotions expressed can be conveyed through melodies and harmonies"
Explanation: "Contained within" is vague; "expressed" is more direct. "Measures" is not the correct term in this context; "harmonies" is the appropriate musical term. -
"The joy and sadness culture besides, music is a characteristic that represent national culture and of identity" -> "Moreover, music is a characteristic that represents national culture and identity"
Explanation: "Besides" is informal and incorrect in this context. "Moreover" is the correct transitional phrase. "Represent" should be "represents" for subject-verb agreement. -
"Each of them do possess their own separated rhythms which engage in the evolution of their cultures" -> "Each has its own distinct rhythms that contribute to the evolution of their cultures"
Explanation: "Do possess" is awkward and incorrect; "has its own distinct rhythms" is grammatically correct and clearer. "Separated rhythms" is unclear; "distinct rhythms" is more precise. -
"Nowadays, with the development of the Internet, people could easily approve new means of music as Rap, Pop, opera" -> "With the advent of the Internet, people can easily access new music genres such as Rap, Pop, and opera"
Explanation: "Approve new means of music" is incorrect; "access new music genres" is more accurate. "As Rap, Pop, opera" is informal and lacks commas; "such as Rap, Pop, and opera" is correct. -
"As a consequence, many governors realize that the music industry is exactly an objective stepping’s foundation to promote culture and attract more future prospects for country’s economy" -> "As a result, many policymakers recognize that the music industry serves as a vital foundation for promoting culture and attracting future economic prospects"
Explanation: "Governors" is incorrect; "policymakers" is more accurate. "Exactly an objective stepping’s foundation" is awkward and unclear; "serves as a vital foundation" is clearer and more formal. "Country’s economy" should be "the country’s economy" for grammatical correctness. -
"The industry would result for example, Korean, pitch, music is for a powerful music empire worth billions of dollars" -> "This industry, exemplified by Korean pop music, has become a powerful music empire worth billions of dollars"
Explanation: "The industry would result for example" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "This industry, exemplified by Korean pop music," is clearer and more formal. -
"This empire entails mostly of GDP to this Korean economy" -> "This empire contributes significantly to the Korean GDP"
Explanation: "Entails mostly of GDP to this Korean economy" is awkward and incorrect; "contributes significantly to the Korean GDP" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"music is an indecent produce of communicable without replace went" -> "music is an indispensable means of communication that cannot be replaced"
Explanation: "Indecent produce of communicable without replace went" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Indispensable means of communication that cannot be replaced" is correct and formal. -
"This way of transmission could frame the language barrier and connect different people from various cultural inclusively together" -> "This method of transmission can bridge the language barrier and connect people from diverse cultures"
Explanation: "Frame the language barrier" is incorrect; "bridge the language barrier" is the correct idiom. "Inclusively together" is awkward and redundant; "from diverse cultures" is clearer and more formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the role of music in connecting people of different cultures and ages. However, it does not fully explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The introduction mentions agreement but lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the main arguments. Additionally, the body paragraphs do not systematically address the question, leading to a somewhat fragmented response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position in the introduction and outline the key points that will be discussed. Each body paragraph should then focus on a specific reason supporting this position, ensuring that all aspects of the prompt are thoroughly covered.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: While the author indicates agreement with the statement, the position is not consistently clear throughout the essay. Phrases like "I am definitely in agreement with statement written" are vague and do not effectively convey the author’s stance. The lack of a clear position makes it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: The author should use a definitive statement in the introduction to clearly express their stance. Additionally, throughout the essay, they should consistently refer back to this position when presenting arguments or examples, reinforcing their viewpoint.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to music’s role in communication and cultural identity, but these ideas are not well-developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of different music genres like Rap and Pop is relevant, but the explanation lacks depth and fails to connect back to the main argument about cultural unity.
- How to improve: The author should aim to elaborate on each idea presented, providing specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate how music brings people together. For instance, discussing a specific cultural event or a personal experience where music played a unifying role could strengthen the argument.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic, particularly in the discussion of the music industry and its economic impact. While this is related to music, it does not directly address how music brings people together, which is the core of the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central theme of music as a unifying force. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of the topic, it requires more clarity, development, and focus to achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to organize information logically but struggles with clarity and coherence. The introduction is somewhat confusing, with a lengthy and convoluted sentence that does not clearly state the main argument. The body paragraphs present some relevant points, such as the historical significance of music and its role in connecting people, but these points are not well-developed or clearly linked. For example, the transition from discussing the historical role of music to the impact of the internet on music consumption is abrupt and lacks a clear connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, using transitional phrases to guide the reader. For example, "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" can help create smoother transitions between ideas.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first body paragraph starts with a historical perspective but ends abruptly without fully developing the idea. The second body paragraph introduces a new point about the emotional impact of music but lacks depth and clear examples. The third body paragraph shifts focus to the economic impact of music, which is relevant but not well-integrated with the previous points.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single idea and develop it fully with supporting details and examples. Start with a topic sentence, followed by explanation, evidence, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument. For instance, the paragraph on the historical role of music could include specific examples from different cultures to illustrate how music has historically connected people. The paragraph on the economic impact could be better integrated by discussing how the global popularity of certain music genres has brought people together.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but their usage is inconsistent and sometimes incorrect. Phrases like "First of all," "Moreover," and "In conclusion" are used, but they do not always effectively link ideas. For example, "Moreover, unlike normal talking" is an awkward transition that does not clearly connect to the previous sentence. Additionally, there are grammatical errors that hinder the cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Use a variety of cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly and appropriately. For example, "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Finally" can help structure the argument more clearly. Additionally, pronouns and synonyms can be used to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion. Ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, creating a smooth and coherent flow of ideas.
Overall, the essay demonstrates an attempt to address the prompt but lacks clarity and coherence. By improving the logical organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher band score for coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "evolution," "communication," and "dispensable." However, the range is limited, and some phrases are awkward or incorrect, such as "the communication ability so as tool transmission of information" and "indecent produce of communicable without replace went." These phrases hinder clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more precise terms. For example, instead of "good way," consider using "effective means" or "valuable method." Additionally, the writer could benefit from using vocabulary related to music and culture more extensively, such as "harmonious," "cultural exchange," or "artistic expression."
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the joy and sadness culture" and "the music industry is exactly an objective stepping’s foundation." These phrases do not convey clear meanings and may confuse the reader. The phrase "indecent produce of communicable" is also problematic, as "indecent" does not fit the context.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. For instance, "the joy and sadness culture" could be revised to "the emotions of joy and sadness expressed through music." The writer should also ensure that the vocabulary aligns with the intended meaning, avoiding words that may convey unintended connotations.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "along to gather" (should be "together"), "human have music" (should be "humans have music"), and "governors realize" (should be "governments realize"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common words and phrases related to the topic can improve overall spelling skills.
In summary, to achieve a higher band score for Lexical Resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling throughout the essay. Regular practice, reading widely, and seeking feedback can significantly aid in these areas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For example, simple sentences like "And music is considered as one of the most original communication means in the world wide" are prevalent, which can make the writing feel monotonous. There are attempts at complex structures, such as "the music industry is exactly an objective stepping’s foundation to promote culture," but these are often awkwardly phrased and lack clarity. The use of conjunctions and relative clauses is minimal, which restricts the essay’s grammatical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice combining simple sentences into more complex ones using conjunctions (e.g., "and," "but," "although") and relative clauses (e.g., "which," "that"). For instance, instead of "music is considered as one of the most original communication means," the writer could say, "music, which is considered one of the most original forms of communication, plays a vital role in connecting people." Engaging with more complex grammatical forms, such as conditional sentences or varied sentence openings, will also contribute to a richer writing style.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "any evolutionary history of civilization have developed" should be corrected to "the evolutionary history of civilization has developed." Additionally, the phrase "is dispensable with the human several cultures" is confusing and grammatically incorrect. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, also detract from the overall readability of the essay. For instance, "the joy and sadness culture besides" lacks clarity and proper punctuation, making it difficult to understand the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular subjects match with singular verbs (e.g., "has" instead of "have"). It is also essential to revise sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Practicing punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas to separate clauses and items in a list, will enhance the readability of the writing. The writer could benefit from proofreading their work or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors before submission.
In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on their writing will be beneficial for their development.
Bài sửa mẫu
Through millions of years of evolution, the evolutionary history of civilization has developed the communication ability as a tool for transmitting information. This expression demonstrates the superiority of humans over other creatures. Music is considered one of the most original forms of communication worldwide and is tremendously essential and indispensable to several human cultures. Some people believe that this is a good way of bringing people from different cultures and ages together. From my perspective, I am unequivocally in agreement with this statement.
First of all, music and humans have always been together for a long time. According to historians, humans have used music to communicate and connect since the early days without prejudice. Undoubtedly, music is one of the ways to express human emotions and understanding. The emotions expressed can be conveyed through melodies and harmonies.
Moreover, unlike normal talking, music does not require the listener to understand the words and meanings. The emotions contained within can be conveyed through melodies and rhythms. Besides joy and sadness, music is a characteristic that represents national culture and identity. Each culture has its own distinct rhythms that contribute to the evolution of their cultures.
Nowadays, with the development of the Internet, people can easily access new music genres such as Rap, Pop, and opera, based on their demand and passion. As a result, many policymakers recognize that the music industry serves as a vital foundation for promoting culture and attracting future economic prospects for their countries. For example, Korean pop music has become a powerful music empire worth billions of dollars, contributing significantly to the Korean GDP.
In conclusion, music is an indispensable means of communication that cannot be replaced. This method of transmission can bridge the language barrier and connect people from diverse cultures inclusively together.