Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

However, I prefer the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters is more radical. The key rationale behind my thinking is that the frequent use of transportations may cause many environmental problems. Evidently, vehicles are major sources of urban air pollution and greenhouse gas emissions. It is reported that road traffic is the source of one third of all harmful air pollution in the world. Car exhaust contributes to acid rain, carbon dioxide, leading to global warming and damages for human well-being. Secondly, human are over-exploiting their own planet. As the world’s population is growing, demand is growing with it. Thus, people have to use land excessively, resulting in soil-depletion. This issue may have a direct impact on the quantity and quality of food produced for our growing population. Eventually, the world does not have enough resources to support rapidly growing population.

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1. "However, I prefer the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters is more radical." -> "However, I advocate for the perspective that there are more pressing ecological issues that require more radical measures."
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, enhancing the formal tone and precision.

2. "The key rationale behind my thinking is that the frequent use of transportations" -> "The primary justification for my perspective is that the frequent use of transportation"
   Explanation: "Transportations" is incorrect as it is a plural noun that should be singular in this context. "Transportation" is the correct form, and "primary justification" is more formal than "key rationale."

3. "may cause many environmental problems" -> "may lead to numerous environmental issues"
   Explanation: "Lead to" is more precise and formal than "cause," and "numerous" is more specific than "many," which is somewhat vague.

4. "Evidently, vehicles are major sources of urban air pollution and greenhouse gas emissions." -> "Undoubtedly, vehicles are significant sources of urban air pollution and greenhouse gas emissions."
   Explanation: "Undoubtedly" is more formal than "Evidently," and "significant" is a more precise adjective than "major" in this context.

5. "It is reported that road traffic is the source of one third of all harmful air pollution in the world." -> "Studies indicate that road traffic accounts for approximately one-third of all harmful air pollution globally."
   Explanation: "Studies indicate" is more specific and formal than "It is reported," and "accounts for approximately one-third" is more precise than "is the source of one third."

6. "Car exhaust contributes to acid rain, carbon dioxide, leading to global warming and damages for human well-being." -> "Vehicle emissions contribute to acid rain, carbon dioxide, and global warming, thereby compromising human well-being."
   Explanation: "Vehicle emissions" is more specific than "Car exhaust," and "compromising" is a more formal and precise term than "damages."

7. "human are over-exploiting their own planet" -> "humans are overexploiting their planet"
   Explanation: "humans" should be singular to match the subject-verb agreement, and "overexploiting" is a more formal term than "over-exploiting."

8. "As the world’s population is growing, demand is growing with it." -> "As the world’s population grows, so does demand."
   Explanation: "Grows" is more concise and formal than "is growing," and "so does demand" is a more academic way to express causality.

9. "Thus, people have to use land excessively, resulting in soil-depletion." -> "Consequently, excessive land use leads to soil depletion."
   Explanation: "Consequently" is more formal than "Thus," and "leads to" is more direct and formal than "resulting in."

10. "This issue may have a direct impact on the quantity and quality of food produced for our growing population." -> "This issue may directly affect the quantity and quality of food production for our growing population."
    Explanation: "Directly affect" is more precise and formal than "have a direct impact," and "food production" is a more specific term than "food produced."

11. "Eventually, the world does not have enough resources to support rapidly growing population." -> "Ultimately, the world lacks sufficient resources to support its rapidly growing population."
    Explanation: "Ultimately" is more formal than "Eventually," and "lacks sufficient resources" is more precise and formal than "does not have enough resources."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both views regarding environmental problems. However, it primarily focuses on the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters without adequately presenting the opposing perspective about the loss of species. The initial statement implies a preference for the latter view but does not provide a balanced discussion of both sides, which is essential for a comprehensive response. The lack of mention of specific species loss or its implications means that the essay does not fully engage with the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly acknowledge the importance of species loss as an environmental issue. This could be done by briefly discussing the consequences of biodiversity loss, such as ecosystem imbalance or the extinction of species, before transitioning to the argument about other pressing environmental problems. A more balanced approach would demonstrate a thorough understanding of the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that there are more crucial ecological matters, but this stance is somewhat muddled by the phrasing in the opening sentence. The phrase "is more radical" is unclear and detracts from the clarity of the position. Additionally, the essay does not consistently reinforce this viewpoint throughout, as it lacks a strong concluding statement that reiterates the writer’s opinion.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use straightforward language to express their viewpoint. A clear thesis statement at the end of the introduction would help, followed by consistent references to this position in the body paragraphs. A concluding statement that summarizes the argument would also strengthen the overall clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding transportation and over-exploitation of resources, but these points are not sufficiently developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, while it mentions urban air pollution and soil depletion, it lacks detailed explanations or statistics that could bolster these claims. The ideas presented feel somewhat disjointed and do not flow logically from one to the next.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point with relevant examples, data, or studies. For instance, when discussing air pollution, citing specific studies or statistics about its effects on health or the environment would provide stronger support. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph logically connects to the main argument will help create a more cohesive essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing environmental issues; however, it occasionally strays from the prompt’s requirement to discuss both views. The focus on transportation and resource exploitation, while relevant, does not directly engage with the argument about species loss or the importance of addressing it. This lack of focus on the prompt leads to a less effective discussion.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that both sides of the argument are addressed. Regularly referring back to the prompt during the writing process can help keep the essay aligned with the task requirements.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should ensure a balanced discussion of both views, clarify their position, provide more developed and supported ideas, and maintain a strong focus on the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that prioritizes broader environmental issues over species loss. However, the organization of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing transportation-related pollution to land exploitation feels abrupt. The rationale behind the viewpoint is presented, but the connection between the two points could be more explicitly stated to enhance logical flow. The essay would benefit from a clearer structure that introduces the main argument, supports it with distinct points, and concludes with a summary of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a more structured approach. Start with an introductory paragraph that outlines both viewpoints clearly before stating your opinion. Each body paragraph should focus on a single point, introduced with a topic sentence that links back to the main argument. Use transitional phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" to connect ideas smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraphing, which affects readability and coherence. Currently, the ideas are presented in a single block of text, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. Effective paragraphing helps to separate distinct ideas, making the essay easier to understand. Each paragraph should ideally represent a single idea or aspect of the argument.
  • How to improve: Implement clear paragraph breaks to separate the introduction, body, and conclusion. Each body paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of that paragraph. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the impact of transportation on air pollution, while another could discuss land exploitation. This will help clarify the structure and improve the overall flow of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Evidently" and "Secondly," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and some transitions feel mechanical. For instance, the phrase "the key rationale behind my thinking" could be more effectively linked to the subsequent points with additional cohesive devices that clarify relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Moreover" to introduce additional points, "Consequently" to indicate results, and "On the other hand" when discussing opposing views. This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a greater command of language and cohesion.

By addressing these areas—logical organization, effective paragraphing, and a broader range of cohesive devices—the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "ecological matters," "urban air pollution," and "greenhouse gas emissions." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "growing population" and "environmental problems." This indicates a reliance on a narrow set of terms to express complex ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "growing population," alternatives like "increasing population," "expanding demographic," or "rising populace" could be used. Additionally, exploring more specific vocabulary related to environmental issues, such as "biodiversity loss," "habitat destruction," or "sustainability challenges," would enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices in the essay are imprecise or awkward. For example, the phrase "the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters is more radical" is confusing and could mislead the reader. The term "radical" does not accurately convey the intended meaning in this context. Furthermore, the phrase "damages for human well-being" is vague and could be articulated more clearly.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and precision in vocabulary usage. Instead of "more radical," a clearer expression could be "more pressing" or "more significant." Additionally, instead of "damages for human well-being," the writer could specify the impacts, such as "adverse effects on human health" or "detrimental consequences for quality of life." This will help convey ideas more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "transportations" should be singular ("transportation"), and "human are over-exploiting" should be corrected to "humans are over-exploiting." Such mistakes can disrupt the reader’s understanding and detract from the professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can enhance overall spelling proficiency. Regular practice with writing exercises that focus on spelling can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of terms, ensuring precise usage, and carefully proofreading for spelling errors, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "As the world’s population is growing, demand is growing with it" effectively conveys a cause-and-effect relationship. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters is more radical" is somewhat awkward and could be restructured for clarity and fluidity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, conditional clauses, and relative clauses. For example, instead of saying "the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters is more radical," the writer might say, "While some argue that the loss of species is the primary concern, I contend that more pressing ecological issues exist." This not only varies the structure but also clarifies the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "human are over-exploiting their own planet" should be corrected to "humans are over-exploiting their own planet." Additionally, the sentence "Car exhaust contributes to acid rain, carbon dioxide, leading to global warming and damages for human well-being" lacks parallel structure and clarity. The use of commas is also inconsistent, particularly in lists, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that nouns are used in their correct forms (e.g., "humans" instead of "human"). Furthermore, revising sentences for clarity and parallel structure will enhance readability. For example, the problematic sentence could be revised to: "Car exhaust contributes to acid rain and carbon dioxide emissions, both of which lead to global warming and negatively impact human well-being." Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence construction can also help improve these areas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical errors will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

However, I prefer the viewpoint that there are more crucial ecological matters that require more radical measures. The key rationale behind my thinking is that the frequent use of transportation may cause many environmental problems. Evidently, vehicles are major sources of urban air pollution and greenhouse gas emissions. It is reported that road traffic is the source of one-third of all harmful air pollution in the world. Car exhaust contributes to acid rain and carbon dioxide, leading to global warming and damaging human well-being. Secondly, humans are over-exploiting their own planet. As the world’s population grows, demand is increasing as well. Thus, people have to use land excessively, resulting in soil depletion. This issue may have a direct impact on the quantity and quality of food produced for our growing population. Eventually, the world does not have enough resources to support its rapidly growing population.