Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that authorities should pay more attention to diminishing environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent sickness and disease. From my point of view, I completely agree with this statement.
I agree with the idea that the better way to improve illness and disease is the more concentrate on minimizing pollution and problems with housing because most diseases nowadays are caused by pollution. The factors causing environmental pollution can be seen easily in people's lives, for example, the emissions and dust released from transport or industrial activities are the main factors causing air pollution; similarly, the industrial wastes from factories pollute the water. As a result, the pollution above effects directly to people’s health, with the source of respiratory and cardiovascular disease. In short, environmental pollution plays an important role in people’s health, and improving this problem can prevent a huge of illnesses and diseases for them.
Furthermore, housing problems similarly have a huge negative impact on human lives. These problems are due to abusing commercial activities and technology, with tons of carbon dioxide and other emissions released. As a result, people are facing climate change, with more disasters happening such as earthquakes, floods, and typhoons,… which change animal habitats. Especially, the greenhouse effect and global warming, which are also caused by the factors above, are the two phenomenons that melt the ice in the Antarctic and Arctica. This results in the appearance of ancient viruses or bacteria, leading to new diseases or illnesses that may take the professor a particular time to research.
In conclusion, I support the idea that the authorities should concentrate on minimizing pollution and housing problems to prevent sickness and disease. My reason is that most diseases and illnesses are caused by pollution, and housing problems are the ideal factor for viruses and bacteria growth.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "From my point of view" -> "In my opinion"
   Explanation: "From my point of view" is a colloquial expression that is more suitable for informal contexts. "In my opinion" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing.

2. "the better way to improve illness and disease is the more concentrate" -> "a more effective approach to mitigating illness and disease is to focus more on"
   Explanation: The phrase "the better way to improve illness and disease is the more concentrate" is grammatically incorrect and lacks precision. "A more effective approach to mitigating illness and disease is to focus more on" provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.

3. "pollution above effects directly to people’s health" -> "pollution directly affects people’s health"
   Explanation: "Above effects" is awkward and not grammatically correct. "Directly affects" is a more concise and grammatically accurate phrase.

4. "a huge of illnesses and diseases for them" -> "a multitude of illnesses and diseases for them"
   Explanation: "A huge of illnesses and diseases for them" is not idiomatic. "A multitude of illnesses and diseases for them" is a more formal and appropriate expression.

5. "Furthermore, housing problems similarly have a huge negative impact on human lives." -> "Furthermore, housing issues also significantly impact human well-being."
   Explanation: "Housing problems similarly have a huge negative impact on human lives" is vague and lacks specificity. "Housing issues also significantly impact human well-being" provides a clearer and more formal statement.

6. "tons of carbon dioxide and other emissions released" -> "large quantities of carbon dioxide and other emissions are released"
   Explanation: "Tons of carbon dioxide and other emissions released" is too informal. "Large quantities of carbon dioxide and other emissions are released" is more precise and formal.

7. "the greenhouse effect and global warming, which are also caused by the factors above" -> "the greenhouse effect and global warming, which are exacerbated by the aforementioned factors"
   Explanation: "Caused by the factors above" is imprecise and lacks clarity. "Exacerbated by the aforementioned factors" provides a more formal and precise description.

8. "This results in the appearance of ancient viruses or bacteria" -> "This leads to the emergence of ancient viruses or bacteria"
   Explanation: "This results in the appearance of ancient viruses or bacteria" is unclear and lacks precision. "This leads to the emergence of ancient viruses or bacteria" provides a clearer and more formal expression.

9. "that may take the professor a particular time to research" -> "that may require extensive research by scientists"
   Explanation: "That may take the professor a particular time to research" is informal and unclear. "That may require extensive research by scientists" is more precise and formal.

10. "My reason is that most diseases and illnesses are caused by pollution, and housing problems are the ideal factor for viruses and bacteria growth." -> "My rationale is that pollution is a significant contributor to most diseases and illnesses, and housing issues create ideal conditions for the proliferation of viruses and bacteria."
    Explanation: "My reason is that most diseases and illnesses are caused by pollution, and housing problems are the ideal factor for viruses and bacteria growth" lacks formal precision. "My rationale is that pollution is a significant contributor to most diseases and illnesses, and housing issues create ideal conditions for the proliferation of viruses and bacteria" offers a clearer and more formal expression of the argument.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the suggestion that governments should prioritize reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent illness and disease. The writer provides reasons for their agreement and supports their stance with examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider delving deeper into the potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives on the issue. This could involve discussing other strategies governments might employ to prevent illness and disease, in addition to or instead of focusing solely on pollution and housing issues.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently expressing agreement with the idea that governments should prioritize addressing environmental pollution and housing problems to mitigate illness and disease. The writer’s stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: While the position is clear, enhancing the articulation and depth of the argument could further strengthen the essay. This could involve providing more nuanced reasoning or addressing potential counterarguments to solidify the writer’s position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas related to the impact of environmental pollution and housing problems on human health. Examples are provided to illustrate how pollution contributes to respiratory and cardiovascular diseases, and how housing problems exacerbate climate change and its associated health risks.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider offering additional evidence or elaboration on the provided examples. Additionally, connecting these ideas more explicitly to the overarching argument could strengthen the essay’s coherence and persuasiveness.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay remains focused on the topic of whether governments should prioritize addressing environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent illness and disease. While some tangential points are introduced, such as the impact of climate change on animal habitats, they are largely connected to the central argument.
  • How to improve: To further improve relevance, ensure that all examples and arguments directly contribute to supporting the main thesis. This may involve refining the connections between auxiliary points and the central argument to maintain a tighter focus on the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments in support of the given stance. To enhance future essays, further depth of analysis, nuanced reasoning, and tighter focus could be beneficial.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organization of ideas with a discernible introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph presents a distinct argument related to either environmental pollution or housing problems, supporting the stance that authorities should prioritize addressing these issues to prevent illness and disease. The progression of ideas is logical, moving from the general concept of pollution-related diseases to specific examples and consequences. However, there could be a stronger connection between paragraphs to enhance the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, ensure that each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next, maintaining a clear thread of thought throughout the essay. Consider using transition phrases or sentences to link ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure that the arguments presented in each paragraph directly support the thesis statement to strengthen the coherence of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure the discussion, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, there are instances where paragraph length could be more balanced to improve readability and coherence. For example, the second paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs to distinguish between the causes of air and water pollution.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more consistent paragraph length throughout the essay to enhance readability and organization. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to provide clarity and emphasis on individual points. Each paragraph should encapsulate a single idea or argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("Furthermore," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this," "these problems"), to connect ideas and guide the reader through the essay. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used and their placement within the essay.
  • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices beyond transitional phrases to include conjunctions, synonyms, and parallel structures. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence. Vary the placement of cohesive devices to avoid repetition and create a more engaging flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents coherent arguments, there are opportunities for refinement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms related to pollution, environmental issues, health, and housing problems. Examples include "environmental pollution," "respiratory and cardiovascular disease," "climate change," "greenhouse effect," and "global warming." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further to enrich the expression and depth of analysis.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary and synonyms where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "pollution," explore alternatives like "contamination," "degradation," or "toxins." Additionally, introduce specialized terminology related to public health, urban planning, and environmental science to add sophistication to the argument.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates both precise and imprecise usage of vocabulary. Some terms are used accurately to convey specific meanings, such as "respiratory and cardiovascular disease" and "greenhouse effect." However, there are instances of less precise language, such as the repetitive use of "pollution" without further qualification or specificity.
  • How to improve: Aim for consistent precision in vocabulary usage by carefully selecting words that accurately convey intended meanings. Avoid overusing general terms like "pollution" without specifying the type (e.g., air pollution, water pollution) or underlying causes. Additionally, strive to employ domain-specific vocabulary with clarity and accuracy to strengthen the argument’s cogency and sophistication.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits generally accurate spelling throughout, with only minor errors detected. Common words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall readability and coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Maintain the current level of spelling accuracy by continuing to proofread and revise essays systematically. Consider utilizing spell-check tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct any overlooked spelling errors. Additionally, expand your vocabulary and exposure to written texts to reinforce spelling proficiency across a broader range of words and contexts.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competent lexical resource skills, there is room for refinement to elevate the sophistication and precision of vocabulary usage. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, employing terms with precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the essay can enhance its overall effectiveness and coherence in addressing complex topics such as environmental pollution and housing problems.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly varied range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. Simple sentences like "Some people believe…" and "From my point of view, I completely agree with this statement" are utilized alongside compound sentences such as "The factors causing environmental pollution can be seen easily in people’s lives, for example, the emissions and dust released from transport or industrial activities are the main factors causing air pollution" and complex structures like "Especially, the greenhouse effect and global warming, which are also caused by the factors above, are the two phenomenons that melt the ice in the Antarctic and Arctica."
  • How to improve: While the variety is commendable, enhancing the complexity and coherence of complex sentences could strengthen the essay’s overall sophistication. This could involve incorporating subordinate clauses more adeptly or employing rhetorical devices like parallelism to add nuance and depth to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably accurate command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing throughout the text. For instance, "the more concentrate" should be "more concentration," "pollution above effects" should be "pollution affects," and "take the professor a particular time to research" could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review sentence structure and ensure subject-verb agreement, noun-pronoun agreement, and verb tense consistency. Additionally, revising awkward phrasing and refining sentence clarity through proofreading and revision can significantly enhance the essay’s readability and coherence. Consider utilizing resources like grammar guides and writing handbooks for targeted practice in specific areas of grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that governments should prioritize reducing environmental pollution and addressing housing issues to prevent illness and disease. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree with this assertion.

I concur that a more effective approach to mitigating illness and disease is to focus more on pollution directly affecting people’s health. The factors contributing to environmental pollution are readily observable in daily life. For instance, emissions and dust from transportation and industrial activities are major air pollutants, while industrial waste pollutes water sources. Consequently, such pollution significantly impacts human health, manifesting in respiratory and cardiovascular diseases. Thus, addressing environmental pollution is crucial in preventing a multitude of illnesses and diseases.

Furthermore, housing issues also significantly impact human well-being. These problems stem from unchecked commercial activities and technological advancements, leading to the release of large quantities of carbon dioxide and other emissions. Consequently, climate change ensues, resulting in natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods, and typhoons, disrupting ecosystems. Moreover, the greenhouse effect and global warming, exacerbated by these factors, contribute to the melting of polar ice caps. This, in turn, facilitates the emergence of ancient viruses or bacteria, necessitating extensive research by scientists to combat new diseases or illnesses.

In summary, I support the notion that governments should prioritize reducing pollution and addressing housing issues to prevent sickness and disease. My rationale is that pollution is a significant contributor to most diseases and illnesses, and housing issues create ideal conditions for the proliferation of viruses and bacteria. By tackling these issues, authorities can safeguard public health and well-being.