Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

While it is true that watching TV affects children, it is difficult to determine whether it is the content of the programs or the length of time spent watching them that has a more significant impact on children. It seems to me that although the amount of time does affect youngsters, it is the content of the programs that has a more marked influence on them.
On the one hand , the consequences of watching TV for long periods of time can be deleterious. Firstly , the longer children are exposed to TV programs, the more likely it is for them to become addicted to watching television. When children become over-reliant on television for entertainment, they might neglect engagement in outdoor activities. This may result in a sedentary lifestyle that is highly detrimental to their physical health. More importantly , excessive TV watching impairs children’s communication abilities, so they find it hard to play or live in harmony with others. As a result , children would feel discouraged from having real interactions with people around them if they spent a huge amount of time in front of the screen, which may hinder their development of social skills.
On the other hand , it is the broadcasted images that have the most direct effects on young viewers. Firstly , in most countries the majority of TV shows present glamorized depictions of inappropriate materials such as violence, drug abuse or casual sex, thus youngsters may adopt unhealthy habits and improper behavior. For example , they might fall under the impression that the use of alcoholic drinks is fashionable without being aware of the health risks they carry and later end up consuming these substances. Besides , in our modern consumer society, commercials also affect how children behave. Unwary young viewers could be easily swayed by captivating advertisements for junk food or video games, products whose target audience includes children, and so may pester their parents to buy these goods impulsively.
In conclusion , although both factors have their own implications, I believe the element with more considerable impacts on children is the content. Hence , parental involvement is essential in controlling children’s TV viewing habits and in shaping a child’s values to help them enter adult life with a healthy mind.

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Errors and Improvements:

"affects children" -> "impacts children"
Explanation: "Affects" is a common term but using "impacts" adds a touch of formality and specificity, fitting for an academic discussion.
"whether it is the content of the programs or the length of time spent watching them" -> "whether the content of the programs or the duration of viewing has a more significant influence"
Explanation: This revision maintains clarity while refining the expression to sound more formal and precise.
"It seems to me that although the amount of time does affect youngsters" -> "It appears that while duration does influence young viewers"
Explanation: The phrase "It seems to me" is somewhat colloquial; replacing it with "It appears that" maintains neutrality and formality.
"more marked influence" -> "greater influence"
Explanation: "More marked" is understandable but "greater" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"On the one hand" and "On the other hand" -> "Firstly" and "Secondly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are informal idiomatic expressions. Replacing them with "Firstly" and "Secondly" enhances formality and structure.
"consequences of watching TV for long periods of time" -> "ramifications of prolonged television viewing"
Explanation: "Consequences" is common, but "ramifications" adds sophistication without sacrificing clarity.
"deleterious" -> "harmful"
Explanation: "Deleterious" is a more obscure term; "harmful" maintains clarity while being more accessible.
"highly detrimental" -> "extremely harmful"
Explanation: "Highly detrimental" is redundant; "extremely harmful" is more concise and precise.
"More importantly" -> "Additionally"
Explanation: "More importantly" is informal; "Additionally" maintains coherence and formality.
"impairs children’s communication abilities" -> "hampers children’s communicative skills"
Explanation: "Impairs" is suitable, but "hampers" adds variety and nuance.
"so they find it hard" -> "thus finding it difficult"
Explanation: This revision maintains clarity while removing colloquialism.
"real interactions" -> "authentic interactions"
Explanation: "Real interactions" is acceptable, but "authentic interactions" adds depth and specificity.
"which may hinder their development of social skills" -> "potentially impeding their social skill development"
Explanation: This revision maintains clarity while being more concise and structured.
"On the other hand" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: "On the other hand" is informal; "Moreover" adds coherence and formality.
"Firstly" -> "First and foremost"
Explanation: "Firstly" is acceptable, but "First and foremost" adds emphasis and clarity.
"inappropriate materials" -> "inappropriate content"
Explanation: "Materials" is slightly informal; "content" is more fitting in academic discourse.
"thus youngsters may adopt unhealthy habits" -> "thus, young viewers may adopt detrimental behaviors"
Explanation: "Unhealthy habits" is somewhat colloquial; "detrimental behaviors" maintains clarity while sounding more formal.
"For example" -> "For instance"
Explanation: "For example" is informal; "For instance" is more suitable in academic writing.
"fall under the impression" -> "be influenced to believe"
Explanation: "Fall under the impression" is idiomatic; "be influenced to believe" is more formal.
"fashionable" -> "trendy"
Explanation: "Fashionable" is somewhat informal; "trendy" maintains clarity while adding sophistication.
"Unwary" -> "Unsuspecting"
Explanation: "Unwary" is acceptable, but "Unsuspecting" is more formal and precise.
"could be easily swayed" -> "might be readily influenced"
Explanation: "Could be easily swayed" is slightly informal; "might be readily influenced" is more structured and formal.
"captivating advertisements" -> "compelling advertisements"
Explanation: "Captivating" is acceptable, but "compelling" adds variety and sophistication.
"junk food" -> "unhealthy snacks"
Explanation: "Junk food" is slightly informal; "unhealthy snacks" maintains clarity while being more formal.
"products whose target audience includes children" -> "products aimed at children"
Explanation: This revision simplifies the expression while retaining clarity and formality.
"may pester their parents" -> "might nag their parents"
Explanation: "Pester" is slightly informal; "might nag" maintains clarity while being more formal.
"In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is acceptable, but "To conclude" adds variety to the structure.
"although both factors have their own implications" -> "while both factors carry consequences"
Explanation: This revision maintains clarity while being more concise and structured.
"Hence" -> "Therefore"
Explanation: "Hence" is slightly formal; "Therefore" is equally formal and adds variety.
"parental involvement is essential" -> "parental engagement is crucial"
Explanation: "Involvement" is somewhat generic; "engagement" adds specificity and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt: the influence of content and the influence of time spent watching TV on children’s behavior. It acknowledges both perspectives and provides arguments for each.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both aspects, it could strengthen its analysis by providing more specific examples or research findings to support its claims. Additionally, a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing view in the conclusion could enhance the balance of the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the content of TV programs has a more significant impact on children’s behavior. This stance is evident throughout the essay, with consistent arguments supporting this viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, reinforcing the position with stronger language could bolster the persuasive effect.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports ideas with relevant examples and explanations. It discusses the potential negative effects of both excessive TV viewing time and exposure to inappropriate content, supported by specific examples and logical reasoning.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, the essay could delve deeper into the psychological or developmental effects of certain types of content on children. Including studies or statistics to bolster claims would also add credibility and depth to the analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the influence of TV content and viewing time on children’s behavior. However, there are a few instances where the discussion slightly deviates, such as briefly mentioning the impact of commercials.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid tangential discussions and prioritize addressing the main points of the prompt. If mentioning commercials, it should tie back to the broader discussion of content influence rather than digressing into a separate topic.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing stronger evidence, reinforcing the thesis throughout, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic. Strengthening these aspects would elevate the essay’s overall quality and potentially lead to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. Each paragraph presents a distinct viewpoint or aspect related to the influence of television on children’s behavior. The introduction sets up the discussion by presenting the two viewpoints, followed by body paragraphs that explore the impact of both the amount of time spent watching TV and the content of programs. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the author’s opinion. However, there could be a smoother transition between paragraphs to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs. Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that connects back to the essay prompt and the preceding paragraph. Additionally, consider using linking words and phrases to guide the reader through the flow of ideas more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into three distinct paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the topic. Each paragraph contains multiple sentences that develop the respective points. However, the second paragraph could benefit from further subdivision to provide clearer separation between the discussion of the consequences of excessive TV watching and the effects of program content.
- How to improve: Consider subdividing the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the consequences of excessive TV watching and another specifically addressing the influence of program content. This subdivision would create clearer delineation between the two aspects of the argument and improve the readability of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences. Examples include transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which signal shifts between different viewpoints, and cohesive devices such as pronouns ("it," "they") and conjunctions ("thus," "more importantly") that link ideas within sentences.
- How to improve: Continue to use cohesive devices effectively to maintain coherence and cohesion. Consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases to further strengthen the connections between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to reinforce the logical progression of arguments.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a coherent structure and effectively presents arguments on both sides of the issue, there is room for improvement in terms of enhancing the smoothness of transitions between paragraphs and further subdividing the discussion for clarity. Additionally, continued use and diversification of cohesive devices will contribute to a more cohesive and tightly knit essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing a variety of terms to express ideas throughout the text. For instance, phrases like "deleterious consequences," "glamorized depictions," and "sedentary lifestyle" showcase the writer’s ability to employ diverse vocabulary effectively.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate. For instance, instead of using common phrases like "highly detrimental," opting for alternatives like "exceedingly harmful" or "profoundly adverse" can elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. However, there are instances where more precise vocabulary could enhance clarity and impact. For example, instead of using the broad term "materials," specifying "themes" or "subject matter" could provide clearer context.
- How to improve: Continuously strive for precision in word choice to convey nuanced meanings. In contexts where ambiguity may arise, opt for terms that leave little room for misinterpretation. Additionally, consider utilizing synonyms or more specific vocabulary to avoid repetition and add depth to the discussion.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with few noticeable errors detracting from overall readability. However, there are occasional instances of misspelled words, such as "glamorized" (correct spelling: "glamourized").
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider incorporating regular proofreading techniques into the writing process. Utilizing spell-check tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and rectify spelling errors effectively. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words can contribute to greater spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and conditional clauses. For instance, it effectively employs phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" to introduce contrasting arguments, enhancing coherence. Additionally, the essay features relative clauses ("the consequences of watching TV for long periods of time"), adverbial phrases ("More importantly"), and participial phrases ("Unwary young viewers could be easily swayed"), showcasing syntactic diversity.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s syntactic variety, consider incorporating more advanced structures such as inverted sentences, parallelism, and rhetorical questions. This can elevate the sophistication of the essay and engage the reader more deeply.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors detract from the overall clarity. For example, the phrase "the longer children are exposed to TV programs, the more likely it is for them to become addicted to watching television" could be revised for smoother flow ("the longer children are exposed to TV programs, the more likely they are to become addicted to television"). Additionally, there are occasional punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("Firstly") and inconsistent comma usage within compound sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, consider reviewing the usage of articles, verb tense consistency, and subject-verb agreement. Proofreading the essay carefully for punctuation errors, particularly in complex sentences, can also refine its clarity and coherence. Additionally, incorporating varied punctuation marks, such as dashes and semicolons, can enrich the essay’s structure and readability.

Overall, while the essay effectively employs a diverse range of sentence structures and demonstrates a strong grasp of grammar and punctuation, refining syntactic variety and ensuring meticulous attention to grammatical details can further elevate its clarity and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

While it’s acknowledged that television can influence children, determining whether it’s the programs’ content or the duration of viewing that exerts a stronger effect is challenging. In my view, although time spent watching TV does affect kids, it’s the content that leaves a more significant mark on them.

On one hand, prolonged TV exposure can have adverse effects. Firstly, the more children watch, the greater the likelihood of them becoming addicted, leading to a decline in outdoor activities and a sedentary lifestyle detrimental to physical health. Moreover, excessive TV time hampers communication skills, hindering social interaction and skill development.

On the other hand, it’s the content of television that directly impacts young viewers. Many shows glamorize inappropriate behavior like violence, drug use, or casual sex, potentially leading children to adopt unhealthy habits. Additionally, commercials promoting items like junk food or video games can influence impulsive behavior in children.

In conclusion, while both factors play a role, I believe content has a more significant impact on children. Therefore, parental guidance is crucial in regulating TV viewing and instilling positive values to prepare children for adulthood.