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Some people think computers and the Internet are important in children’s study, but others think students can learn more effectively with teachers in schools. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Some people think computers and the Internet are important in children's study, but others think students can learn more effectively with teachers in schools. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

It is argued by some people saying that technology will continue to shape the education landscape in a variety of ways due to the developed of today's society, others believe that traditional learning is essential for young scholars to achieve success in life. In my point of view, although the internet can provide adequate fundamental theoretical needs , the experience and life skills students gather from education center cannot reached via computer devices.
On the one hand, the internet offers a cheaper source of quality information. Only a little amount of money required for wifi fees, scholars who cannot afford to pay tuition fees and transport can be able to get a huge source of knowledge from many expert experiments and professor researches all around the world. In addition, convenience is a significant advantageous aspect that many database can be accessed regardless the location and time of scholars. Thus, increase the amount of time students spend to acquire more theoretical knowledge.
On the other hand, there are several reasons why presencial education is the major study style of today's society. First of all, face-to-face communication is necessary in order to focus more on studies that cannot be fulfilled when using educational methods. An explanation for this is the major of students have difficulty maintaining concentration and discipline on their educational path, thus they should be under the control and guidance of predecessor. Another reasons is about human relationship, school offer social skills aside from learning subject in order to promote self-growth. For instance, more interaction between experts and pupils offered led to promote the bonding between learner, hence, enhancing the round of relationship and also reducing the anxiety and stress as we study.
In conclusion, although both of views have merits in balance, I still believe that individuals who would like to develop themselves comprehensively, they should pursue academic learning in school and university.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is argued by some people saying that" -> "Some argue that"
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase by replacing "It is argued by some people saying that" with "Some argue that" removes redundancy and aligns with a more direct and concise academic style.

  2. "developed of today’s society" -> "development of today’s society"
    Explanation: Changing "developed of" to "development of" corrects the grammatical error and improves the accuracy of the phrase.

  3. "traditional learning is essential for young scholars to achieve success in life" -> "traditional learning is crucial for the success of young scholars"
    Explanation: Replacing "essential for young scholars to achieve success in life" with "crucial for the success of young scholars" maintains formality and enhances precision in expression.

  4. "although the internet can provide adequate fundamental theoretical needs" -> "while the internet can meet fundamental theoretical requirements"
    Explanation: Substituting "adequate" with "meet" and rephrasing the sentence improves clarity and aligns with a more formal tone.

  5. "experience and life skills students gather from education center cannot reached via computer devices" -> "experience and life skills students acquire in educational centers cannot be attained through computer devices"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammar and restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formality.

  6. "Only a little amount of money required for wifi fees" -> "Only a nominal fee is required for wifi access"
    Explanation: Replacing "little amount of money" with "nominal fee" and rephrasing the sentence improves precision and formality.

  7. "convenience is a significant advantageous aspect" -> "convenience is a significant advantage"
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase by removing redundancy enhances clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  8. "many database can be accessed regardless the location and time of scholars" -> "databases can be accessed irrespective of scholars’ location and time"
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement and rephrasing the sentence improves accuracy and formality.

  9. "there are several reasons why presencial education is the major study style" -> "several reasons why in-person education is the predominant learning style"
    Explanation: Substituting "presencial" with "in-person" and restructuring the sentence improves clarity and aligns with academic language.

  10. "An explanation for this is the major of students have difficulty maintaining concentration" -> "One explanation is that the majority of students have difficulty maintaining concentration"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammar and rephrasing the sentence enhances clarity and precision.

  11. "they should be under the control and guidance of predecessor" -> "they should be under the supervision and guidance of educators"
    Explanation: Replacing "predecessor" with "educators" and using more precise language improves the formality and accuracy of the statement.

  12. "hence, enhancing the round of relationship" -> "thereby enhancing interpersonal connections"
    Explanation: Substituting "round of relationship" with "interpersonal connections" and using "thereby" instead of "hence" enhances precision and formality.

  13. "individuals who would like to develop themselves comprehensively" -> "individuals seeking comprehensive self-development"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using more concise language improves formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both views on the role of computers and the Internet in children’s education and provides a personal opinion. However, the discussion lacks depth, and some parts of the prompt could be explored more thoroughly. For example, the essay could delve deeper into the benefits and drawbacks of technology in education and the importance of teachers in schools.

    • How to improve: To improve, consider dedicating more space to a nuanced exploration of each viewpoint. Provide specific examples or scenarios to illustrate your points. Additionally, ensure that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly addressed, offering a more balanced and comprehensive analysis.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does present a clear position that favors traditional learning in schools. However, the introduction is slightly ambiguous, and the position could be more explicitly stated from the outset. There is consistency in supporting the preference for traditional education throughout the essay.

    • How to improve: Start the essay with a clear thesis statement that explicitly outlines your position on the issue. This will provide a roadmap for the reader and enhance the clarity of your stance. Additionally, maintain this clarity throughout the essay, avoiding any ambiguity in your position.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development. Examples provided are somewhat general and lack specificity. For instance, when discussing the benefits of the Internet, providing specific examples of expert experiments or professor researches would strengthen the argument.

    • How to improve: To enhance idea development, provide concrete examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios to support your points. Elaborate on each idea, explaining its implications and significance. This will add depth to your arguments and make your essay more compelling.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the role of technology and traditional education in children’s learning. However, there are some instances of unclear or convoluted language that may momentarily distract the reader.

    • How to improve: Focus on maintaining clarity and coherence in your language. Ensure that each paragraph and sentence contributes directly to the overall discussion. Avoid unnecessary complexity and strive for a smooth flow of ideas, enhancing the reader’s understanding.

In conclusion, while the essay successfully addresses the key elements of the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and the use of specific examples to support arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, contributing to a basic organizational structure. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. Some ideas are presented abruptly, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of the internet to the drawbacks of online learning could be smoother. In addition, the thesis statement could be more precise to guide the reader better.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider developing a more explicit thesis statement that outlines the main points to follow. Ensure that ideas transition smoothly between paragraphs, maintaining a clear connection between each point. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader and maintain a logical progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to organize ideas, but the structure within paragraphs needs attention. Some paragraphs cover multiple points without a clear delineation. For example, the second paragraph discusses the advantages of the internet but also introduces the concept of convenience, making it somewhat disjointed.
    • How to improve: Aim for more focused paragraphs, each dedicated to a specific idea or argument. Break down complex points into separate paragraphs to enhance clarity. In the second paragraph, consider creating a distinct section for the convenience aspect to improve overall paragraph cohesion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices, such as linking words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In addition," "Thus," "For instance"). However, the variety is limited, and some transitions lack precision, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to include a wider range of transition words and phrases. Ensure that transitions are not only used for introducing ideas but also for demonstrating relationships between them. For instance, consider using more sophisticated connectors to show causation, contrast, or progression in a nuanced manner.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied words, but some phrases lack precision and are repetitive. For instance, the repeated use of "educational" and "major" diminishes the variety. While there are instances of adequate vocabulary, the essay could benefit from more diverse and contextually fitting terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring more nuanced terms. Instead of repetitive use, experiment with alternative expressions that convey the same meaning. In specific sections, such as discussing the advantages of the internet, introducing specialized terms related to technology or education can contribute to a more varied lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. For example, the term "developed" might not be the most accurate choice in the context of the opening statement. On the positive side, the essay does contain some precise language, such as "wifi fees" and "presencial education." However, improvements can be made by choosing more fitting terms to express ideas more precisely.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Be mindful of the context in which words are used. Consider substituting general terms with more specific ones where appropriate. For instance, replace "developed" with a term that precisely reflects the impact of technology on education.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate; however, there are some instances of errors, such as "presencial" instead of "presential." Additionally, there are punctuation issues that affect the overall clarity of sentences, such as missing commas after introductory phrases.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully. Utilize spelling and grammar-check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Specifically, pay attention to common pitfalls like missing or misplaced punctuation marks. This meticulous review can enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is evidence of simple and complex sentences, including compound sentences. For example, "It is argued by some people saying that technology will continue to shape the education landscape…" presents a complex sentence structure. However, the essay could benefit from more variety in sentence structures, such as the use of compound-complex sentences or more intricate sentence constructions.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures. Introduce compound-complex sentences to add depth to your writing. For instance, try combining ideas using subordinating conjunctions or relative clauses. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and engaging writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical and punctuation errors that slightly impact overall accuracy. For example, there are instances of incorrect article usage, as seen in "the developed of today’s society," and punctuation issues, like missing commas or misused conjunctions.
    • How to improve: Carefully review your use of articles and ensure they align with the grammatical structure of the sentence. Pay attention to comma placement, especially in compound sentences. Additionally, focus on using conjunctions correctly to connect ideas seamlessly. Consider proofreading your work to catch these errors before finalizing your essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy. To improve further, diversify sentence structures by incorporating compound-complex sentences and address specific grammatical and punctuation issues. Proofreading your work for these elements will contribute to an essay with even greater clarity and precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that the development of today’s society will continue to shape the education landscape, with technology playing a pivotal role. On the other hand, others contend that traditional learning is crucial for the success of young scholars. In my view, while the internet can meet fundamental theoretical requirements, the experience and life skills students acquire in educational centers cannot be attained through computer devices.

On the positive side, the internet provides a cost-effective source of quality information. Only a nominal fee is required for wifi access, allowing scholars who cannot afford tuition fees and transportation costs to access a vast repository of knowledge from expert experiments and professor researches worldwide. Additionally, the convenience of accessing databases irrespective of scholars’ location and time is a significant advantage, enabling students to dedicate more time to acquiring theoretical knowledge.

However, there are several reasons why in-person education remains the predominant learning style. One explanation is that the majority of students have difficulty maintaining concentration and discipline on their educational path without the supervision and guidance of educators. Face-to-face communication is deemed necessary to foster a focus on studies that cannot be achieved through online educational methods. Furthermore, traditional education institutions contribute to the development of interpersonal connections, promoting social skills alongside academic learning.

For individuals seeking comprehensive self-development, pursuing academic learning in schools and universities is essential. The interaction between experts and pupils, along with the bonding that results, enhances the overall relationship and reduces anxiety and stress associated with studying. In conclusion, while both views have merits, I firmly believe that for those aiming at holistic self-development, academic learning in traditional educational settings is indispensable.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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