Some people think that children should be home-schooled when they are very young while others think it is better for them to attend a kindergarten. Which do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the modern era, there are plenty of ways for parents to educate children at their early stage of life. Some people agree that educating children at home is adequate while others believe that children should go to a kindergarten which is a better option. In my opinion, both ideas partially convinced me for some reasons.
On the one hand, it is best to nourish children by the hand of their own parents, especially the mother. Since the mother gives birth to her children, she has a sentimental connection to them so when children are being taught by the mother, they started develop a stronger bond to the mother. Furthermore, children who are home-schooled can be managed easily in order to stay away from other hazards like bullying or the ignorance of caregivers. For example, the mother knows what is best for her children so she will always provide the children with sufficient knowledge and manners that they need to know from an early stage of life, she will also guard her children from other hazards like toxicity of the Internet. Since then,it will form a strong connection between mother and children to the end of their life,
On the other hand, when parents are too busy dealing with their workloads, kindergarten is an alternative option in terms of children's upbringing. Particularly, parents do not always have time teaching their kids, they have to get to work and earn money for different purposes including nourishing children. So, kindergarten is a great destination to teach children when parents are at work. For example, At kindergarten, children can learn about basic manners and many things around their life by teachers or caregivers. Another significant advantage is that children can interact with their peers and teachers making them become more confident and develop self-esteem.
In conclusion, both statements convinced me because the mother plays a crucial role in home-schooling children while a kindergarten gives children a playground which helps them to be more sociable and more confident,

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"plenty of ways" -> "numerous methods"
Explanation: "Numerous methods" is more precise and formal than "plenty of ways," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.
"at their early stage of life" -> "at an early age"
Explanation: "At an early age" is a more conventional and precise phrase in academic writing, replacing the less formal "at their early stage of life."
"partially convinced me" -> "partially persuaded me"
Explanation: "Persuaded" is more appropriate in an academic context than "convinced," which can sound informal and less precise.
"nourish children by the hand of their own parents" -> "nurture children under the guidance of their parents"
Explanation: "Nurture under the guidance of" is more formal and precise than "nourish by the hand of," which is awkward and informal.
"she has a sentimental connection" -> "she has an emotional bond"
Explanation: "Emotional bond" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "sentimental connection," which can be seen as overly emotional and less formal.
"started develop" -> "began to develop"
Explanation: "Begun to develop" is grammatically correct and more formal than "started develop," which is a grammatical error.
"managed easily" -> "easily managed"
Explanation: "Easily managed" is grammatically correct and flows better in formal writing than "managed easily," which is awkwardly phrased.
"stay away from other hazards" -> "avoid other hazards"
Explanation: "Avoid" is a more direct and formal verb than "stay away from," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the ignorance of caregivers" -> "neglect by caregivers"
Explanation: "Neglect by caregivers" is a more precise and formal term than "the ignorance of caregivers," which is vague and informal.
"toxicity of the Internet" -> "hazards of the Internet"
Explanation: "Hazards" is a more appropriate term than "toxicity," which is not typically used to describe the Internet in this context.
"it will form a strong connection" -> "this will foster a strong bond"
Explanation: "Foster a strong bond" is a more precise and formal expression than "form a strong connection," which is less specific.
"kindergarten is an alternative option" -> "kindergarten serves as an alternative"
Explanation: "Serves as an alternative" is more formal and precise than "is an alternative option," which is somewhat redundant.
"get to work" -> "commute to work"
Explanation: "Commute to work" is a more formal and specific term than "get to work," which is colloquial.
"earn money for different purposes including nourishing children" -> "generate income for various purposes, including supporting their children"
Explanation: "Generate income for various purposes, including supporting their children" is more formal and precise than "earn money for different purposes including nourishing children," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"At kindergarten, children can learn about basic manners" -> "At kindergarten, children can acquire basic social skills"
Explanation: "Acquire basic social skills" is a more specific and academically appropriate phrase than "learn about basic manners," which is too broad and informal.
"making them become more confident" -> "enhancing their confidence"
Explanation: "Enhancing their confidence" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea than "making them become more confident," which is less formal and slightly awkward.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives on whether children should be home-schooled or attend kindergarten. The author presents arguments for both sides, indicating an understanding of the topic. However, the response lacks a definitive conclusion that clearly states which option the author believes is better, which is a critical part of the task. The phrase "both statements convinced me" suggests ambivalence rather than a clear position.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state which option they believe is superior and provide a more compelling rationale for that choice. A clear thesis statement in the introduction and a more decisive conclusion would strengthen the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay struggles with maintaining a clear position. While the author acknowledges both sides, the lack of a strong, consistent viewpoint throughout the essay creates confusion. Phrases like "both ideas partially convinced me" weaken the argument and fail to guide the reader towards a clear understanding of the author’s stance.
- How to improve: The author should choose one side to support more robustly and consistently throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using clear topic sentences that reflect the chosen position and ensuring that all supporting details align with that stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both home-schooling and kindergarten, but the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the author mentions the emotional bond between mother and child, this point could be further elaborated with more specific examples or evidence. Similarly, the discussion about kindergarten lacks depth; it mentions benefits but does not explore them thoroughly.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could include specific activities children engage in at kindergarten or studies that support the benefits of home-schooling. Additionally, using more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures could enhance the richness of the ideas presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the merits of both home-schooling and kindergarten. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of "toxicity of the Internet" feels somewhat tangential and could distract from the main argument about education methods.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central question of which educational approach is better. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument without straying off topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from a clearer position, more in-depth support for its arguments, and a tighter focus on the topic. By addressing these areas, the author could aim for a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally organized logically, with the first paragraph focusing on the advantages of home-schooling and the second discussing the benefits of kindergarten. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs can be improved. For instance, the first paragraph begins with a general statement about home-schooling but lacks a strong topic sentence that clearly outlines the main point of that paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, ensure that supporting sentences follow logically from the topic sentence. For example, rephrase the opening of the first body paragraph to explicitly state that home-schooling fosters a strong parent-child bond.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be strengthened. For example, the first paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better organized; the discussion about the mother’s role and the hazards of bullying and the internet feels somewhat disjointed.
- How to improve: Consider using more structured paragraphing techniques, such as the PEEL (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link) method. This will help maintain clarity and coherence within each paragraph. For instance, after stating the main point about the mother’s role, provide a specific example, explain its significance, and then link back to the overall argument about home-schooling.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the transition between the benefits of home-schooling and the discussion of kindergarten could be smoother, as the current phrasing feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In addition," "Conversely," and "Furthermore." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically connects to the next, reinforcing the relationship between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on improving the organization within paragraphs, enhancing transitions, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in vocabulary, such as "nourish," "sentimental connection," and "interact." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "children" and "mother." For example, the phrase "the mother knows what is best for her children" could be varied to include synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary related to education and child development. This could include terms like "nurture," "foster," "socialization," and "developmental milestones." Additionally, using synonyms for frequently repeated words (e.g., "children" could also be referred to as "youngsters" or "offspring") would enhance the essay’s lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are also instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the ignorance of caregivers" may not accurately convey the intended meaning, as it implies a lack of knowledge rather than a lack of attention or care. Additionally, the phrase "toxicity of the Internet" could be more clearly articulated as "dangers of the Internet" or "risks associated with online content."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary used accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing the context in which words are used and considering whether they convey the desired message. Engaging with a thesaurus to find more appropriate synonyms or phrases can also help clarify meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "started develop" should be "start to develop," and "Since then,it will form" should have a space after the comma. These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and may lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should make it a habit to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can enhance overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and focusing on spelling, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Since the mother gives birth to her children, she has a sentimental connection to them" showcases a complex structure. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences follow a similar pattern, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Phrases like "For example" and "On the one hand" are used effectively to introduce ideas, but the lack of more varied linking phrases and sentence beginnings reduces the overall complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to start sentences and incorporate more complex grammatical forms. For instance, using participial phrases ("Having been taught at home, children may develop…") or conditional sentences ("If children are home-schooled, they might…") can add variety. Additionally, varying the length and structure of sentences will help maintain reader interest and improve the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "children are being taught by the mother, they started develop a stronger bond" should be corrected to "children who are taught by their mother start to develop a stronger bond." There are also instances of run-on sentences, such as "the mother knows what is best for her children so she will always provide the children with sufficient knowledge and manners that they need to know from an early stage of life, she will also guard her children from other hazards like toxicity of the Internet," which should be split into two sentences for clarity. Additionally, there are missing spaces after commas, such as "Since then,it will form a strong connection," which detracts from the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify common mistakes. Practicing sentence structure variation and ensuring that each sentence conveys a complete thought will enhance clarity. Furthermore, the writer should pay attention to the correct placement of commas and other punctuation marks to avoid run-on sentences and improve readability.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and addresses the prompt, improving grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern era, there are numerous methods for parents to educate children at an early age. Some people agree that educating children at home is adequate, while others believe that children should go to kindergarten, which is a better option. In my opinion, both ideas partially persuaded me for some reasons.

On the one hand, it is best to nurture children under the guidance of their own parents, especially the mother. Since the mother gives birth to her children, she has an emotional bond with them. When children are taught by their mother, they begin to develop a stronger connection. Furthermore, children who are home-schooled can be easily managed to stay away from other hazards like bullying or neglect by caregivers. For example, the mother knows what is best for her children, so she will always provide them with sufficient knowledge and manners that they need to learn from an early age. She will also guard her children from other hazards, such as the dangers of the Internet. This will foster a strong bond between mother and children for the rest of their lives.

On the other hand, when parents are too busy dealing with their workloads, kindergarten serves as an alternative option for children’s upbringing. Particularly, parents do not always have time to teach their kids; they have to commute to work and generate income for various purposes, including supporting their children. So, kindergarten is a great place for children to learn while their parents are at work. For example, at kindergarten, children can acquire basic social skills and learn about many things in their lives from teachers or caregivers. Another significant advantage is that children can interact with their peers and teachers, which helps them become more confident and enhances their self-esteem.

In conclusion, both statements convinced me because the mother plays a crucial role in home-schooling children, while kindergarten provides children with a social environment that helps them become more sociable and confident.