Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is considered by some people that competition at work, at school and daily life is a good thing. While there are others who think that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. I believe that competition is needed in all fields which make the world move and develop.
On the one hand, cooperation is one of the most important contribution in the successful of many individuals or organizations. There is an idiom that: one hand cannot make clapping, which means that to achieve success, the contributions of many people are needed. For example, America’s governance sponsored many scientists to successfully research the COVID-19 vaccine. Another example that can be mentioned is one charity project called for working together between many individuals, even many organizations to reach the goal which is helping many difficult situations.
On the other hand, competition is needed for developing the world. For this reason, competition makes people research new theories, invent new technologies to improve daily life. As an illustration, to win the Vin Future science and technology award, many scientists had to make efforts to research and produce advanced technological inventions, solving existing problems which the world is facing. If an invention meets the council's criteria, that scientist will be honored and receive 3 million USD. Another example that can be mentioned is that in the field of education, there are many scholarships to encourage students to study and be creative. And students need to try hard and compete with each other to achieve the conditions required by the scholarship organization.
In conclusion, although cooperation is also essential in modern life, competition is still one of the inevitable trends to promote world development.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is considered by some people" -> "It is widely believed by some individuals"
   Explanation: "It is widely believed by some individuals" refines the phrase to sound more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the statement.

2. "a good thing" -> "advantageous"
   Explanation: Replacing "a good thing" with "advantageous" provides a more formal and specific term that is appropriate for academic writing.

3. "try to cooperate more" -> "prioritize cooperation"
   Explanation: "Prioritize cooperation" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea of focusing on cooperation rather than competition.

4. "needed in all fields which make the world move and develop" -> "essential in all spheres that drive global progress"
   Explanation: "Essential in all spheres that drive global progress" uses more precise vocabulary and avoids the colloquial expression "make the world move and develop," which is too informal for academic writing.

5. "one of the most important contribution" -> "one of the most significant contributions"
   Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error and replacing "contribution" with "contributions" aligns with the plural context, and "significant" is more academically precise than "important" in this context.

6. "There is an idiom that:" -> "There is an idiom that states:"
   Explanation: Adding "states:" clarifies the purpose of the idiom, enhancing the formal tone and clarity of the sentence.

7. "one hand cannot make clapping" -> "one hand cannot clap"
   Explanation: Simplifying "make clapping" to "clap" corrects the grammatical error and improves the natural flow of the idiom.

8. "America’s governance" -> "the US government"
   Explanation: "The US government" is the correct term for the government of the United States, whereas "America’s governance" is vague and incorrect.

9. "sponsored many scientists" -> "funded numerous scientists"
   Explanation: "Funded" is a more precise term than "sponsored" in this context, and "numerous" is more formal than "many."

10. "charity project called for working together" -> "charity project that promotes collaboration"
    Explanation: "That promotes collaboration" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the purpose of the charity project.

11. "reach the goal which is helping many difficult situations" -> "achieve its goal of addressing numerous challenging situations"
    Explanation: "Achieve its goal of addressing numerous challenging situations" is more precise and formal, improving the clarity and academic tone of the sentence.

12. "competition is needed for developing the world" -> "competition is essential for global development"
    Explanation: "Essential for global development" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the statement.

13. "makes people research new theories" -> "encourages individuals to develop new theories"
    Explanation: "Encourages individuals to develop new theories" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague and informal "makes people research."

14. "to win the Vin Future science and technology award" -> "to win the Vin Future Science and Technology Award"
    Explanation: Capitalizing "Science and Technology Award" correctly reflects the formal title of the award, enhancing the professionalism of the text.

15. "had to make efforts" -> "had to exert significant effort"
    Explanation: "Had to exert significant effort" is a more formal and precise way to describe the level of effort required, aligning better with academic style.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and style of the essay to meet the standards of academic writing, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding competition versus cooperation. It acknowledges that some people support competition due to its role in progress and development, while others advocate for cooperation as a means of achieving collective success.

  • The introduction clearly presents both views, albeit in a somewhat simplistic manner.

  • The body paragraphs discuss examples related to competition (scientific research and scholarships) and cooperation (charity projects) adequately.

  • The conclusion summarizes the discussion and reaffirms the importance of competition alongside cooperation.

  • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion:

  • Ensure a more nuanced exploration of the ideas presented in the prompt. Rather than just stating the positions, delve deeper into the implications and consequences of each perspective.

  • Provide more balanced development of arguments for both competition and cooperation, highlighting their respective advantages and drawbacks more explicitly.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring competition as essential for progress and development.

  • The writer consistently argues that competition drives innovation and achievement, supported by examples of scientific awards and educational scholarships.

  • However, the essay does not give equal weight to the benefits of cooperation, which are briefly mentioned but not elaborated upon with the same depth.

  • How to improve: For clarity and consistency:

  • Clearly delineate the essay’s stance on both competition and cooperation from the outset.

  • While advocating for competition, acknowledge opposing views on cooperation more substantively to demonstrate a balanced understanding.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to competition (innovation, technological advancement) and cooperation (collective success in charity projects) adequately.

  • Examples such as the COVID-19 vaccine development and educational scholarships are relevant and support the arguments made.

  • However, the development of these ideas could be more thorough, with deeper analysis and more extensive examples.

  • How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and development of ideas:

  • Elaborate more on how competition specifically fosters innovation and technological progress.

  • Provide more detailed examples of successful cooperation and its benefits beyond charity, such as in business collaborations or international diplomacy.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the merits of competition versus cooperation as outlined in the prompt.

  • It occasionally veers towards discussing broader benefits of competition without tying them back explicitly to the workplace or daily life.

  • The discussion of cooperation, while present, could benefit from more specific examples beyond charity projects.

  • How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic:

  • Ensure that every example or argument directly relates to the prompt’s context of work, school, and daily life.

  • When discussing benefits or drawbacks of competition or cooperation, tie them back consistently to how they manifest in everyday scenarios.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position supporting competition, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced view, deeper analysis of ideas, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout. These adjustments would enhance the clarity, depth, and coherence of the argument, potentially raising the score in the Task Response criterion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It begins with a concise introduction that outlines the two opposing views on competition versus cooperation. Each viewpoint is discussed in separate paragraphs, with the author’s opinion stated in the conclusion. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother, particularly between the paragraphs discussing cooperation and competition.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph flows naturally from the previous one. Use transition phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the benefits of cooperation, seamlessly lead into how competition complements these benefits by fostering innovation and individual achievement.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint (cooperation vs. competition), supporting examples are provided, and the conclusion reiterates the author’s opinion. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and clarity in supporting arguments.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each one has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay prompt. Develop each paragraph with specific examples and explanations that support the main idea. For example, when discussing cooperation, expand on how collective efforts can lead to significant achievements, citing specific instances like collaborative scientific research or charitable projects.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices such as linking words ("on the one hand", "on the other hand", "in conclusion") and examples to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. While these devices are used adequately, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices to enhance coherence.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns (it, they, these), conjunctions (however, moreover, therefore), and adverbs (furthermore, consequently) to establish clearer relationships between ideas. For example, instead of just using "on the one hand" and "on the other hand", experiment with more nuanced transitions that show subtle shifts in argumentation or perspective.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the essay prompt and maintains a coherent structure, improvements in transition clarity and the use of diverse cohesive devices could elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score. Strengthening these aspects will help the essay flow more smoothly and logically, enhancing the reader’s understanding and engagement with the content.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are instances where specific terms like "governance," "scholarships," "inventions," and "criteria" are used effectively to discuss competition and cooperation. However, there is repetition of some vocabulary ("competition," "cooperation") without much variation.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider introducing more diverse synonyms and phrases related to the topic. For example, instead of repeatedly using "competition," use alternatives like "rivalry," "contest," or "striving." This would enrich the vocabulary and demonstrate a wider lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, though there are instances where the expressions could be more precise. For instance, phrases like "successful of many individuals" could be clearer ("success of many individuals"). The essay also occasionally uses idiomatic expressions appropriately ("one hand cannot make clapping").
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise word choices where possible. For example, instead of "to achieve success," consider using "to achieve prosperity" or "to attain success." This helps in conveying ideas more precisely and effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. There are no major spelling errors that detract from readability.
  • How to improve: Continue to review spelling carefully, especially for complex terms and proper nouns. Consider using spell-check tools and proofreading strategies to maintain consistent accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a sufficient command of vocabulary and spelling, enhancing lexical variety and precision would further strengthen the clarity and depth of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is some variety in sentence lengths and types (simple, compound, complex), albeit with occasional repetitive structures (e.g., "Another example that can be mentioned"). Some sentences effectively convey complex ideas, such as comparisons and explanations, enhancing clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider using more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If… then" constructions), passive voice for emphasis or objectivity, and varying the beginnings of sentences to avoid repetition. Introducing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion can also add sophistication to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are notable instances of errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement (e.g., "America’s governance sponsored many scientists") and in the use of articles ("one charity project called for working together"). Punctuation is generally correct but lacks consistency, with occasional missing or incorrectly placed commas affecting clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Review the use of articles (a, an, the) to ensure they align with the intended meaning of each sentence. Work on improving comma usage for better readability, particularly around introductory clauses, before conjunctions in compound sentences, and to separate items in lists. Practicing proofreading techniques can help identify and correct these issues effectively.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively communicates ideas and maintains coherence, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that competition in workplaces, schools, and daily life is advantageous, while others argue for prioritizing cooperation over competition. In my opinion, both perspectives have their merits, but competition plays a crucial role in driving global progress.

Cooperation is widely believed to be one of the most significant contributions to success, as evidenced by numerous instances where collective efforts achieve ambitious goals. For instance, the US government funded numerous scientists to develop the COVID-19 vaccine, demonstrating how collaborative efforts can address challenging global situations effectively. Similarly, charity projects that unite various individuals and organizations highlight the power of cooperation in tackling complex societal issues.

However, competition also holds a pivotal role in fostering innovation and technological advancements. Competition encourages individuals to develop new theories and invent technologies that enhance daily life. For example, recipients of the Vin Future science and technology award are recognized for pioneering innovations that address pressing global challenges, such as environmental sustainability and healthcare. Furthermore, educational scholarships that require students to compete based on academic merit motivate them to strive for excellence and contribute to society.

In conclusion, while cooperation is essential in all spheres that drive global progress, competition remains a catalyst for innovation and development. Both principles complement each other, contributing to a balanced approach that propels societies forward.