Some people think that compitition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to copoeration more, rather than competing against against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons fro your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 350 words.
Some people think that compitition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to copoeration more, rather than competing against against each other.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons fro your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 350 words.
Opinions are divided on whether workers and students should be competitive or art up with each other. Another idea is that they should team up or work places to develop fully. I will discuss these options in this essay and analyze both viewpoints in detail.
One might argue that advocates of competition drives individuals to excel, leading to enhance high productivity and innovation. This is predicted on the assumption that people can receive significantly disputable benefits in meritocratic environment. A good example is that in schools, students may be motivated to achieve higher academic performances and foster critical thinking skills to stay ahead of their classmates. This pressure to succeed ultimately benefits society as a whole skill and knowledge, can drive individuals to acquire new. However, the invasive nature of this type of competitive means that there are many psychological disadvantages can have negative impacts on life, which means that the collaboration plays an essential role in society.
In my opinions, the harmonization among people can create the sense of belonging and interconnectedness. This would also spur mutual support as a more holistic and sustainable manner. For instance, in workplaces, cooperation improves problem-solving and diverse perspectives, emphasizing the importance of teamwork. As for the former, focusing on getting along with others allows us to be reliable, sympathetic and open-minded. The collective effort could prepare young people for real-world scenarios where collaboration can create community power to establish solid foundation such as education, economy and natural environment for next generation. Lastly, the assistance also facilitate individuals international integration among countries in variety of aspects.
In conclusion, It is undeniable that competitive spirit can result in effective outcomes in real-world challenges. Nevertheless, the fact that we now compete almost exclusively has led to an increase in the number of peer pressure. A visible measure would lie in teaching teamwork skills which is useful for people’s development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Opinions are divided on whether workers and students should be competitive or art up with each other." -> "Opinions are divided on whether workers and students should compete or collaborate with each other."
Explanation: Replacing "be competitive or art up with each other" with "compete or collaborate with each other" corrects the misuse of "art up" (which is not a standard phrase) and uses more precise and formal vocabulary appropriate for academic writing. -
"work places" -> "workplaces"
Explanation: "Workplaces" is the correct noun form, whereas "work places" is grammatically incorrect and awkward in this context. -
"develop fully" -> "fully develop"
Explanation: Rearranging "develop fully" to "fully develop" corrects the grammatical structure, making it more natural and formal. -
"advocates of competition drives" -> "advocates of competition drive"
Explanation: Correcting "drives" to "drive" fixes the verb agreement error, ensuring subject-verb concordance. -
"leading to enhance high productivity and innovation" -> "leading to enhance high levels of productivity and innovation"
Explanation: Adding "levels of" clarifies the phrase, making it more specific and appropriate for academic writing. -
"This is predicted on the assumption" -> "This is predicated on the assumption"
Explanation: "Predicated" is the correct verb form in this context, indicating a logical basis or foundation. -
"people can receive significantly disputable benefits" -> "people can receive significant benefits"
Explanation: "Significantly disputable" is awkward and unclear; "significant" is more straightforward and appropriate for academic writing. -
"in meritocratic environment" -> "in a meritocratic environment"
Explanation: Adding "a" corrects the article error, ensuring grammatical accuracy. -
"This pressure to succeed ultimately benefits society as a whole skill and knowledge" -> "This pressure to succeed ultimately benefits society as a whole in terms of skills and knowledge"
Explanation: Adding "in terms of" clarifies the relationship between the pressure and the benefits, and "skills and knowledge" should be plural to match the plural context. -
"the invasive nature of this type of competitive means" -> "the invasive nature of this competitive environment"
Explanation: "Competitive means" is awkward and incorrect; "competitive environment" is the correct phrase. -
"can have negative impacts on life" -> "can have a negative impact on life"
Explanation: Changing "impacts" to "impact" corrects the grammatical number agreement, making it singular to match "can have." -
"In my opinions," -> "In my opinion"
Explanation: "Opinions" should be singular to agree with the singular "my." -
"harmonization among people" -> "harmony among people"
Explanation: "Harmonization" is not typically used to describe social cohesion; "harmony" is more appropriate and commonly used in this context. -
"mutual support as a more holistic and sustainable manner" -> "mutual support in a more holistic and sustainable manner"
Explanation: Adding "in" corrects the prepositional phrase, making it grammatically correct and clearer. -
"solid foundation such as education, economy and natural environment" -> "solid foundations such as education, the economy, and the natural environment"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "economy" and "natural environment" corrects the article usage, and "foundations" should be plural to match the plural context. -
"It is undeniable that competitive spirit can result in effective outcomes in real-world challenges" -> "It is undeniable that a competitive spirit can lead to effective outcomes in real-world challenges"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "competitive spirit" corrects the article usage, and "lead to" is a more precise verb choice than "result in." -
"the fact that we now compete almost exclusively has led to an increase in the number of peer pressure" -> "the fact that we now compete almost exclusively has led to an increase in peer pressure"
Explanation: Removing "the number of" corrects the phrase, making it grammatically correct and more concise. -
"A visible measure would lie in teaching teamwork skills which is useful for people’s development." -> "A visible measure would be to teach teamwork skills, which are useful for people’s development."
Explanation: Changing "would lie" to "would be" corrects the verb tense and structure, and "which is" to "which are" corrects the subject-verb agreement.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding competition and cooperation, providing arguments for each perspective. The first paragraph introduces the debate, while the subsequent paragraphs discuss the benefits of competition and the advantages of cooperation. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the writer’s own opinion in the introduction, which is somewhat vague. The conclusion does summarize the points made but lacks a clear, definitive stance on which side the writer ultimately supports.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their opinion in the introduction. This could be done by adding a sentence that states their position on the issue. Additionally, ensuring that each viewpoint is balanced and thoroughly explored will strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both competition and cooperation, but it lacks a consistent and clear stance throughout. The writer mentions the benefits of cooperation in the second body paragraph but does not decisively indicate which approach they favor until the conclusion. This can lead to confusion for the reader regarding the writer’s true opinion.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should decide on a primary stance early in the essay and reinforce that throughout. This could involve using phrases like "In my view" or "I believe" more frequently to signal their perspective and ensure that it is evident in each paragraph.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding both competition and cooperation, with some examples provided, such as the impact of competition on academic performance and the benefits of teamwork in the workplace. However, the examples could be more detailed and relevant. For instance, the mention of "psychological disadvantages" related to competition is vague and could be elaborated with specific examples or studies to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more concrete examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include statistics, studies, or real-life scenarios that illustrate the points being made. Additionally, expanding on the implications of these ideas will help to create a more robust argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic and addresses the prompt adequately. However, there are moments where the language becomes convoluted or slightly off-topic, such as the phrase "the invasive nature of this type of competitive means" which is unclear and detracts from the main argument. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly phrased, which can distract from the overall message.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly contributes to the argument being made. Simplifying complex phrases and ensuring clarity will help keep the reader engaged and make the argument more accessible. Proofreading for grammatical and syntactical errors will also enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can elevate their essay to a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views on competition and cooperation, but the organization of ideas is somewhat disjointed. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the structure of the essay. The second paragraph discusses the benefits of competition but lacks a clear topic sentence and transitions between ideas, making it difficult to follow the argument. The third paragraph shifts to the benefits of cooperation but again lacks clear transitions and logical flow. The conclusion attempts to summarize the discussion but introduces new ideas, which should have been discussed in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, start with a clear introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea of the paragraph. Use clear transitions between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. Finally, ensure that the conclusion summarizes the main points without introducing new information.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness are inconsistent. The paragraphs are not clearly delineated by topic sentences, and some ideas are not fully developed within their respective paragraphs. For example, the second paragraph starts discussing the benefits of competition but abruptly shifts to the disadvantages without fully exploring the initial point. Similarly, the third paragraph mixes the benefits of cooperation with unrelated ideas, making it hard to follow.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, introduced by a clear topic sentence. Develop each idea fully before moving on to the next one. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear and coherent structure throughout the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but their use is limited and sometimes inappropriate. For instance, phrases like "One might argue" and "In my opinions" attempt to introduce new points but are not effectively integrated into the text. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices such as "for instance" and "lastly" is somewhat mechanical and does not always contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used to connect ideas more smoothly. Use linking words and phrases such as "however," "moreover," "on the other hand," and "therefore" to show relationships between ideas. Ensure that these devices are used appropriately and naturally within the context of the essay. Practice using a variety of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow and readability of the text.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, leading to a better overall band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks the variety and sophistication expected at higher band scores. Phrases like "team up," "drive individuals to excel," and "mutual support" show some lexical variety. However, the use of simpler terms and repetitive phrases, such as "cooperation" and "competition," limits the overall lexical range. Additionally, the phrase "the invasive nature of this type of competitive" is awkward and could be expressed more clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "competition," alternatives like "rivalry," "contention," or "competitive spirit" could be employed. Additionally, using more complex phrases or idiomatic expressions would elevate the lexical quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that hinder clarity. For example, "enhance high productivity" is awkward; "enhance" should be replaced with "enhanced" to maintain grammatical accuracy. The phrase "disputable benefits in meritocratic environment" is vague and could be more specific. Furthermore, "the collaboration plays an essential role" should be "collaboration plays an essential role" for grammatical correctness.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary fits the context accurately. It is essential to review word forms and their grammatical usage. For example, instead of saying "the invasive nature of this type of competitive," the writer could clarify by saying "the negative aspects of a competitive environment." Additionally, using specific examples or clearer definitions can enhance precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "compitition" (competition), "copoeration" (cooperation), "art up" (team up), "disputable" (disputable), "harmonization" (harmonization), and "facilitate" (facilitate). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can be beneficial. Engaging in spelling exercises or quizzes can also reinforce correct spelling habits.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, addressing the noted weaknesses in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the quality of the writing and potentially lead to a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "One might argue that advocates of competition drives individuals to excel" and "In my opinions, the harmonization among people can create the sense of belonging" show an attempt to use more complex structures. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are awkwardly constructed or contain grammatical errors that hinder clarity. For example, "the invasive nature of this type of competitive means that there are many psychological disadvantages can have negative impacts on life" is convoluted and difficult to follow.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice combining shorter sentences into more complex ones and using varied sentence beginnings. Incorporating different clauses (e.g., relative clauses, conditional sentences) can also add depth. Additionally, reviewing sentence construction rules and practicing with exercises focused on complex sentence formation can be beneficial.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect its overall clarity and coherence. For instance, "competition drives individuals to excel" should not have "advocates of" preceding it, as it creates confusion. The phrase "This is predicted on the assumption" should be "This is predicated on the assumption." Furthermore, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas that would clarify sentence structure, e.g., "the collaboration plays an essential role in society" could benefit from a comma before "which means that." Additionally, the use of "In my opinions" should be corrected to "In my opinion," as "opinion" is singular.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Engaging in grammar exercises, particularly those that focus on common mistakes, can also help. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and conjunctions, will enhance clarity. Reading more academic essays can provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation in context, which can be instructive.
Overall, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to present both sides of the argument, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice, focused exercises, and careful proofreading will aid in developing these skills.
Bài sửa mẫu
Opinions are divided on whether workers and students should be competitive or collaborate with each other. Another idea is that they should team up in workplaces to fully develop. I will discuss these options in this essay and analyze both viewpoints in detail.
One might argue that advocates of competition drive individuals to excel, leading to enhanced productivity and innovation. This is predicated on the assumption that people can receive significant benefits in a meritocratic environment. A good example is that in schools, students may be motivated to achieve higher academic performances and foster critical thinking skills to stay ahead of their classmates. This pressure to succeed ultimately benefits society as a whole in terms of skills and knowledge, driving individuals to acquire new abilities. However, the invasive nature of this type of competition means that there are many psychological disadvantages that can have negative impacts on life, which indicates that collaboration plays an essential role in society.
In my opinion, harmony among people can create a sense of belonging and interconnectedness. This would also spur mutual support in a more holistic and sustainable manner. For instance, in workplaces, cooperation improves problem-solving and brings diverse perspectives, emphasizing the importance of teamwork. Focusing on getting along with others allows us to be reliable, sympathetic, and open-minded. The collective effort could prepare young people for real-world scenarios where collaboration can create community power to establish solid foundations such as education, the economy, and the natural environment for the next generation. Lastly, this assistance also facilitates individuals’ international integration among countries in a variety of aspects.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that a competitive spirit can lead to effective outcomes in real-world challenges. Nevertheless, the fact that we now compete almost exclusively has led to an increase in peer pressure. A visible measure would be to teach teamwork skills, which are useful for people’s development.
