Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views

Some individuals are of the opinion that the government should grant people the freedom to participate in extreme sports; nevertheless, others oppose such an idea, stating that these activities have a detrimental impact on players and should be outlawed. Personally, I gravitate more toward the former notion and this essay will analyze my point of view.

Admittedly, one might argue that dangerous sports convey advantages to their health due to several reasons. Firstly, these activities stimulate the brain to improve concentration and flexibility; because high-risk sports have stressful activities that require absolute. Another merit worth mentioning is some individuals find participating in extreme sports an exhilarating experience that gives a sense of accomplishment. Hence, banning their activities is deprivation of their opportunity to engage in what they are passionate about.

However, I strongly believe that these risky sports can be more on the negative side. The most important consequence is that these activities can put individuals and others at risk of severe injury or even death. For instance, in extreme sports like base jumping, the margin for error is incredibly small, and even the slightest miscalculation can result in fatal accidents. During or after the activity, constant fear of failure or anxiety can lead to heightened stress. If what they do affects bystanders, they must also bear a significant responsibility for the costs or the lingering trauma caused by the accident.

In conclusion, I perspective that the government have to control dangerous sports strictly to safeguard the public and improve. By implementing tighter safety measures and oversight, authorities can reduce the likelihood of accidents and ensure that participants are well-prepared and equipped to handle such activities

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals are of the opinion" -> "Some individuals hold the view"
Explanation: "Hold the view" is a more formal and precise expression than "are of the opinion," which is somewhat redundant and less formal in academic writing.
"grant people the freedom" -> "authorize individuals to engage in"
Explanation: "Authorize individuals to engage in" is more specific and formal, fitting the context of government regulations better than "grant people the freedom."
"extreme sports" -> "high-risk sports"
Explanation: "High-risk sports" is a more precise term that accurately describes the nature of the activities, whereas "extreme sports" can be vague and colloquial.
"convey advantages to their health" -> "offer health benefits"
Explanation: "Offer health benefits" is a more direct and academically appropriate phrase than "convey advantages to their health," which is somewhat awkward and less clear.
"due to several reasons" -> "for several reasons"
Explanation: "For several reasons" is the correct prepositional phrase for listing reasons, whereas "due to" is typically used to indicate causality, which is not the intended meaning here.
"require absolute" -> "demand absolute focus"
Explanation: "Demand absolute focus" is a clearer and more precise phrase than "require absolute," which is vague and incomplete.
"some individuals find participating in extreme sports an exhilarating experience" -> "some individuals find participation in extreme sports exhilarating"
Explanation: Removing "an" before "exhilarating" corrects the grammatical error and streamlines the sentence for formal writing.
"banning their activities is deprivation of their opportunity" -> "banning these activities deprives them of their opportunity"
Explanation: "Deprives them of their opportunity" is grammatically correct and more formal than "is deprivation of their opportunity," which is awkward and less direct.
"can be more on the negative side" -> "may have more negative consequences"
Explanation: "May have more negative consequences" is a clearer and more formal way to express potential negative outcomes compared to the vague and informal "can be more on the negative side."
"put individuals and others at risk of severe injury or even death" -> "pose a risk of severe injury or even death to individuals and others"
Explanation: "Pose a risk of severe injury or even death to individuals and others" is more formal and precise, improving the clarity and flow of the sentence.
"constant fear of failure or anxiety" -> "persistent fear of failure or anxiety"
Explanation: "Persistent" is a more formal synonym for "constant," which is slightly less formal and more commonly used in everyday language.
"I perspective that the government have to control" -> "I believe that the government must control"
Explanation: "I believe that the government must control" corrects the grammatical error and uses "must" for a stronger, more formal expression of necessity.
"improve" -> "enhance"
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise and formal term than "improve," which is somewhat vague and less specific in this context.
"implementing tighter safety measures and oversight" -> "implementing stricter safety measures and enhanced oversight"
Explanation: "Stricter safety measures and enhanced oversight" uses more precise and formal language, improving the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the regulation of dangerous sports. The first paragraph introduces the opposing opinions adequately, acknowledging the freedom to participate in extreme sports while also presenting the argument for banning them due to their risks. However, the discussion of the opposing view could be more balanced. The essay primarily focuses on the argument against dangerous sports, which could lead to an impression that one side is underrepresented.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both perspectives are explored with equal depth. Consider dedicating a paragraph to each viewpoint, providing specific examples and arguments for both the benefits and drawbacks of dangerous sports. This will create a more balanced discussion and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position is stated clearly in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion, indicating a preference for regulating dangerous sports. However, the transition from discussing the benefits of extreme sports to the drawbacks could be smoother. The phrase "I strongly believe that these risky sports can be more on the negative side" introduces some ambiguity about the overall stance.
- How to improve: Maintain clarity by consistently reinforcing the position throughout the essay. Use transitional phrases that clearly indicate shifts in argument while reiterating the stance. For example, instead of stating "I strongly believe," consider using "Despite the benefits, I maintain that the risks associated with dangerous sports outweigh the advantages."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the health benefits of dangerous sports and the risks involved. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the claim about health benefits lacks specific examples or evidence, making it less convincing. The argument about the risks is stronger due to the use of a specific example (base jumping), but it could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. When discussing the benefits of dangerous sports, consider including statistics or studies that support the claims. Similarly, when discussing risks, elaborating on the consequences of injuries or fatalities in extreme sports would provide a more compelling argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of dangerous sports and the role of government regulation. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion of health benefits could be seen as tangential to the main argument about safety and regulation.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each point made directly relates to the central question of whether dangerous sports should be banned. Avoid introducing ideas that do not directly support the main argument. A good practice is to regularly refer back to the prompt while writing to ensure relevance.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score, demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and a more effective argument structure.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two opposing views on dangerous sports. The body paragraphs effectively separate the arguments for and against banning such sports. However, the transition between the two views could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of extreme sports to the risks could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that highlights the contrast more explicitly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect contrasting ideas, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the second body paragraph could be further developed to include more detailed examples and explanations, which would strengthen the argument against dangerous sports.
- How to improve: Consider expanding the second body paragraph by providing more specific examples or statistics related to injuries in extreme sports. This could involve discussing notable incidents or research findings that illustrate the risks involved. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent focus and flows logically into the next.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "In conclusion," which help to guide the reader. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally lacks clarity in connections between sentences. For example, the phrase "because high-risk sports have stressful activities that require absolute" is incomplete and disrupts the flow.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," and "In contrast." Additionally, ensure that sentences are complete and clearly articulated to avoid confusion. Revising sentences for clarity and coherence will enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion. Focus on enhancing logical flow, developing paragraphs with detailed examples, and diversifying cohesive devices to create a more polished and cohesive argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "extreme sports," "detrimental impact," and "exhilarating experience." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "dangerous sports" and "risky sports," which could be varied further. Additionally, some phrases, such as "the government should grant people the freedom," could be expressed with more varied synonyms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "dangerous sports," alternatives like "high-risk activities" or "hazardous sports" could be used. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs can enrich the text, such as "thrilling" instead of "exhilarating."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the margin for error is incredibly small" is effective, but the sentence "because high-risk sports have stressful activities that require absolute" is incomplete and unclear. The phrase "deprivation of their opportunity" could also be more clearly articulated as "deprives them of the opportunity."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that all sentences are complete and clearly convey their intended meaning. It would be beneficial to revise sentences for clarity, ensuring that each point is articulated fully. For instance, the incomplete thought about "absolute" should be completed with a relevant noun, such as "absolute focus" or "absolute commitment."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "I perspective" instead of "I believe" or "I think," and "the government have to control" instead of "the government has to control." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors, as can using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing grammatical structures can help prevent similar mistakes in the future.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards improving their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("One might argue that dangerous sports convey advantages to their health due to several reasons") and compound sentences ("However, I strongly believe that these risky sports can be more on the negative side"). However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph where the phrase "these activities" is used frequently, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the most important consequence is that" could be varied to enhance engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "these activities," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses (e.g., "While some argue that extreme sports are beneficial, others highlight the risks involved"). Additionally, using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences can create a more dynamic flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, "because high-risk sports have stressful activities that require absolute" is an incomplete thought and lacks a clear conclusion. The phrase "I perspective that the government have to control dangerous sports strictly" contains a subject-verb agreement error ("government have" should be "government has"). Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the missing period at the end of the clause "require absolute," detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for incomplete thoughts and ensure that all sentences are complete. Focus on subject-verb agreement, especially with collective nouns like "government." Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly around clauses and conjunctions, can help clarify meaning. Consider revising sentences to ensure they are complete and correctly punctuated, such as changing "because high-risk sports have stressful activities that require absolute" to "because high-risk sports involve stressful activities that require absolute focus and precision."

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals hold the view that the government should authorize individuals to engage in extreme sports; nevertheless, others oppose this idea, stating that these activities have a detrimental impact on participants and should be banned. Personally, I gravitate more toward the former notion, and this essay will analyze both perspectives.

Admittedly, one might argue that high-risk sports offer health benefits for several reasons. Firstly, these activities stimulate the brain, improving concentration and flexibility, as high-risk sports demand absolute focus. Another merit worth mentioning is that some individuals find participation in extreme sports exhilarating, providing a sense of accomplishment. Hence, banning these activities deprives them of their opportunity to engage in what they are passionate about.

However, I strongly believe that these risky sports may have more negative consequences. The most significant issue is that these activities pose a risk of severe injury or even death to individuals and others. For instance, in extreme sports like base jumping, the margin for error is incredibly small, and even the slightest miscalculation can result in fatal accidents. Additionally, during or after the activity, a persistent fear of failure or anxiety can lead to heightened stress. If their actions affect bystanders, they must also bear a significant responsibility for the costs or the lingering trauma caused by the accident.

In conclusion, I believe that the government must control dangerous sports strictly to safeguard the public and enhance safety. By implementing stricter safety measures and enhanced oversight, authorities can reduce the likelihood of accidents and ensure that participants are well-prepared and equipped to handle such activities.