Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have the freedom to do any sports or activity. Do you think the advantages of engaging in extreme sports outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have the freedom to do any sports or activity.

Do you think the advantages of engaging in extreme sports outweigh the disadvantages?

It is believed that the administration ought to prohibit extreme sports, while some think individuals should have the right to participate in whatever sports or activities of their choice. In my opinion, there appear to be limited disadvantages to engaging in dangerous sports, and the advantages far overshadow these.

On the one hand, there are definite drawbacks to participating in dangerous sports. Firstly, as implied by its name, these activities involve great speed or height, present elements of danger that have the ability to expose themselves to risk which can lead to severe injuries such as broken bones, sprain, fatality and other unsafe issues. Another obvious problem is that the high cost of specialized equipment and insurance for extreme sports can be a noticeable financial burden on participants. Even with protective gear, ensuring safety remains a major challenge in these. Accidents can take place at any time; in this case, they need a significant financial outlay for medical expenses.

On the other hand, despite these aforementioned disadvantages, I believe they are outweighed by more significant upside. When you do any sports concerning the activity, you will immediately have a sense of euphoria and an adrenaline rush which would be extremely difficult to find in traditional sports. Moreover, they also have rules and regulations that seem oppressive and narrow. This thing is the complete opposite of extreme sports which places an emphasis on doing what you want. In addition, these sports give participants a sense of accomplishment that seemingly insurmountable feat. As a result, they would train people not only in overcoming all challenges but also improving physical health and mental health. The reason why they could develop several skills is that obstacles in extreme sports are generally challenging, so these would require both good strength and persistence.

In conclusion, while there are some negatives associated with joining dangerous sports, I believe the positives, including unique sensations and training necessary skills outweigh these advantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is believed that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
   Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a general opinion or belief in academic writing, enhancing the tone and credibility of the statement.

2. "the administration ought to prohibit" -> "authorities should prohibit"
   Explanation: "Authorities" is a more specific term than "the administration," which is often vague and can refer to various levels of government or organizations. "Should" is also more appropriate than "ought to" in formal academic writing, as it is less archaic and more commonly used in contemporary English.

3. "extreme sports" -> "high-risk sports"
   Explanation: "High-risk sports" is a more precise term that accurately describes the nature of the activities being discussed, avoiding the colloquial and somewhat vague term "extreme sports."

4. "there appear to be limited disadvantages" -> "there are relatively few disadvantages"
   Explanation: "There are relatively few disadvantages" is a clearer and more direct way to express the idea, avoiding the tentative and less formal "appear to be."

5. "have the ability to expose themselves to risk" -> "are exposed to risk"
   Explanation: "Are exposed to risk" simplifies and clarifies the phrase, making it more direct and appropriate for formal writing.

6. "broken bones, sprain, fatality and other unsafe issues" -> "broken bones, sprains, fatalities, and other safety concerns"
   Explanation: "Sprain" should be pluralized to "sprains" for grammatical correctness. "Fatality" should also be pluralized to "fatalities" to match the plural context. "Other safety concerns" is a more formal and precise term than "other unsafe issues."

7. "the high cost of specialized equipment and insurance" -> "the significant costs of specialized equipment and insurance"
   Explanation: "Significant costs" is a more precise and formal way to describe the financial burden, emphasizing the magnitude of the expense.

8. "a noticeable financial burden" -> "a substantial financial burden"
   Explanation: "Substantial" is more formal and academically appropriate than "noticeable," which is somewhat informal and vague.

9. "ensuring safety remains a major challenge" -> "ensuring safety poses a significant challenge"
   Explanation: "Poses a significant challenge" is a more active and precise way to describe the ongoing difficulty in ensuring safety, fitting better in an academic context.

10. "they need a significant financial outlay for medical expenses" -> "they incur substantial medical expenses"
    Explanation: "Incur substantial medical expenses" is a more direct and formal way to express the financial consequences of accidents, avoiding the awkward construction of "need a significant financial outlay for medical expenses."

11. "When you do any sports concerning the activity" -> "When engaging in any activity"
    Explanation: "When engaging in any activity" is more concise and avoids the awkward and unclear phrase "do any sports concerning the activity."

12. "they also have rules and regulations that seem oppressive and narrow" -> "they also impose restrictive rules and regulations"
    Explanation: "Impose restrictive rules and regulations" is a more precise and formal way to describe the nature of the regulations, avoiding the subjective and informal "seem oppressive and narrow."

13. "the complete opposite of extreme sports" -> "the antithesis of extreme sports"
    Explanation: "The antithesis of extreme sports" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "the complete opposite," which is somewhat colloquial.

14. "places an emphasis on doing what you want" -> "emphasizes personal freedom"
    Explanation: "Emphasizes personal freedom" is a more formal and succinct way to describe the focus on individual choice in extreme sports, avoiding the informal "doing what you want."

15. "they would train people not only in overcoming all challenges but also improving physical health and mental health" -> "they train individuals not only to overcome challenges but also to enhance physical and mental well-being"
    Explanation: "To enhance physical and mental well-being" is a more formal and precise phrase than "improving physical health and mental health," and "train individuals" is more formal than "train people."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the banning of dangerous sports and presents a clear opinion. The introduction outlines the two perspectives, and the body paragraphs discuss the disadvantages (e.g., risk of injury, financial burden) and advantages (e.g., adrenaline rush, personal accomplishment) of engaging in extreme sports. The conclusion succinctly restates the author’s position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which aligns well with the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include more specific examples or statistics to substantiate claims about the risks and benefits of extreme sports. For instance, citing studies on injury rates or testimonials from participants could provide a more robust argument and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages of extreme sports outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is consistently communicated throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be clearer, such as the phrase "this thing is the complete opposite of extreme sports," which could confuse readers about the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should ensure that all statements are straightforward and unambiguous. Using more precise language and avoiding vague expressions will help maintain a strong and clear position throughout the essay. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in each paragraph can reinforce the stance taken.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the disadvantages and advantages of extreme sports. However, while the ideas are relevant, they could be more thoroughly developed. For example, the mention of the "sense of euphoria" and "adrenaline rush" could be expanded with more detail about how these experiences contribute to personal growth or community building among participants.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing examples of specific extreme sports and discussing their unique benefits or risks. Furthermore, integrating counterarguments and addressing them can deepen the analysis and demonstrate critical thinking.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate over the regulation of extreme sports. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off course, such as when mentioning "rules and regulations that seem oppressive." This point could be more directly tied back to the main argument about the advantages of extreme sports rather than appearing as a separate critique of traditional sports.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question of whether the advantages of extreme sports outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the prompt in each paragraph and ensuring that all arguments contribute to the overall thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity, depth of analysis, and focus, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the debate regarding extreme sports, while the body paragraphs are logically divided into discussing disadvantages and advantages. However, the transition between the disadvantages and advantages could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" introduces the second body paragraph, but a more explicit connection to the previous paragraph could enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly relate the two sides of the argument. For example, after discussing the disadvantages, you might add a sentence that acknowledges the importance of weighing these against the benefits before transitioning to the advantages. This would help the reader follow your argument more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses the disadvantages of extreme sports, while the second discusses the advantages. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph. For instance, the opening sentence of the second paragraph could more directly state that the advantages of extreme sports will be discussed.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. This will help guide the reader and reinforce the structure of your argument. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible sentences to improve readability.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the one hand," and "Moreover." These devices help to connect ideas and indicate the progression of thought. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance coherence. For example, phrases like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Conversely" could be used to diversify the transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of cohesive devices, actively incorporate different linking words and phrases throughout the essay. This will not only enhance the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence in your argument.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions can help elevate the writing to a higher band score. Focus on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices to improve the overall clarity and effectiveness of your argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "prohibit," "drawbacks," "euphoria," and "insurmountable." However, the vocabulary used tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in expression. For example, the phrase "dangerous sports" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the richness of the text. Additionally, phrases like "great speed or height" could be expressed more creatively to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "dangerous sports," alternatives such as "extreme activities," "high-risk sports," or "adventurous pursuits" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could add depth to the writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice could be improved for clarity. For example, the phrase "have the ability to expose themselves to risk" is somewhat awkward and could be simplified to "expose participants to risks." Furthermore, the expression "this thing is the complete opposite of extreme sports" is vague and could be articulated more clearly.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness in word choice. For example, instead of saying "the high cost of specialized equipment and insurance for extreme sports can be a noticeable financial burden," a more precise phrasing could be "the high costs of specialized equipment and insurance can burden participants financially." Regular practice with paraphrasing and refining sentences can help achieve this.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of spelling accuracy overall; however, there are a few minor errors that detract from the overall impression. For instance, "fatality" is correctly spelled but may not be the best choice in context; "fatal injuries" would be more appropriate. Additionally, the word "sprain" is used without context, which could lead to confusion.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully to catch any typographical errors or misused words. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing or spelling mistakes. Furthermore, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, refining word choices for clarity, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, the opening sentence employs a complex structure with a subordinate clause ("that the administration ought to prohibit extreme sports"), which effectively introduces the topic. Additionally, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps to clearly delineate contrasting viewpoints. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "Even with protective gear, ensuring safety remains a major challenge in these" could be restructured for better flow and clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more conditional sentences and participial phrases. For example, instead of saying "When you do any sports concerning the activity," you might say, "Engaging in extreme sports often leads to a sense of euphoria." Additionally, using more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help improve the overall flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, the phrase "present elements of danger that have the ability to expose themselves to risk" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; for example, in the sentence "Accidents can take place at any time; in this case, they need a significant financial outlay for medical expenses," the semicolon is incorrectly used. The phrase "this thing is the complete opposite of extreme sports" is also informal and could be expressed more formally.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on simplifying complex phrases and ensuring clarity. Review the rules for punctuation, particularly the use of commas and semicolons, to avoid run-on sentences and improve readability. For example, consider revising "this thing is the complete opposite of extreme sports" to "this contrasts sharply with extreme sports." Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and tense consistency, will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of grammatical range and accuracy, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that authorities should prohibit extreme sports, while some believe individuals should have the freedom to participate in any sports or activities of their choice. In my opinion, there are relatively few disadvantages to engaging in high-risk sports, and the advantages far outweigh these.

On the one hand, there are definite drawbacks to participating in dangerous sports. Firstly, as implied by their name, these activities involve great speed or height, presenting elements of danger that can expose participants to risk, potentially leading to severe injuries such as broken bones, sprains, fatalities, and other safety concerns. Another obvious issue is that the significant costs of specialized equipment and insurance for extreme sports can impose a substantial financial burden on participants. Even with protective gear, ensuring safety poses a significant challenge. Accidents can occur at any time; in such cases, individuals may incur substantial medical expenses.

On the other hand, despite these aforementioned disadvantages, I believe they are outweighed by more significant benefits. When engaging in any activity related to extreme sports, participants often experience a sense of euphoria and an adrenaline rush that is difficult to find in traditional sports. Moreover, traditional sports tend to impose restrictive rules and regulations that can feel oppressive. This is the antithesis of extreme sports, which emphasizes personal freedom. Additionally, these sports provide participants with a sense of accomplishment when they overcome seemingly insurmountable feats. As a result, they train individuals not only to overcome challenges but also to enhance physical and mental well-being. The reason they can develop various skills is that obstacles in extreme sports are generally challenging, requiring both strength and persistence.

In conclusion, while there are some negatives associated with engaging in dangerous sports, I believe the positives, including unique sensations and the development of essential skills, far outweigh these disadvantages.