Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There is a belief that living in bad cities is equal to harming your own heatlh . while this statement does have some legit and acceptable insight of current health problem of lving in big cities, I only partly agree with this opinion.
Firstly, we need t see why people believe it is unhealthy to live in big cities. Obviously, most these cities are infested with enormous industrial facilities and most of the time, the main source of pollution comes from them. This is due to the common practice of most modern industrial companies by dumping wastes into the clean water sources or directly into the living environment of civilians. The toxic smoke being released into the atmosphere also pollute the air people breath in. these phenormenal mostly caused by these big companies in order to cut down their cost on cleaning and processing wastes before releasing into the environment fee so that they could harvest more profit for themselves. Just like the famous quote “everyonne for himself”. This has undoubtedly caused many severe health problem from damaging respiratory system to causing cancer due to toxics substain presented in foods that we consume.
However, grim as It may sound like, there are still some notable advantages in term of healthcare when living in big cities. Most of these cities have far more advanced and well-funded healthcare facilities compared to that off in rural areas. This is a compulsory investment of the government in urban areas due to the health-related problems listed abve. Of course, with far more advancing technologies in taking care of patients and preventing illness , this has somewhat relieved the problems of severe health issues that you could be contracted due to the toxicity of industrial facilities. It is also notabe that recently with the development of society, many companies has started to provide basic healthcare services in order to keep its workers at best condition (and obviously also to protect their company`s face in the public).
Overall, living in big cities might sound pretty hard to consider due to many healthcare problems, the development of medical technology and the advancements of society has somewhat tackled in these problems.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "living in bad cities" -> "residing in cities with poor conditions"
   Explanation: "Residing in cities with poor conditions" is more specific and formal, avoiding the vague and informal term "bad cities."

2. "harming your own heatlh" -> "endangering one’s health"
   Explanation: "Endangering one’s health" is a more precise and formal expression than "harming your own heatlh," which contains a typographical error and is too informal.

3. "legit and acceptable insight" -> "legitimate and valid insights"
   Explanation: "Legitimate and valid insights" is more academically appropriate than "legit and acceptable insight," which uses informal language and lacks plural agreement.

4. "lving" -> "living"
   Explanation: Corrects a typographical error.

5. "most these cities" -> "most of these cities"
   Explanation: Adds the necessary preposition "of" for grammatical correctness.

6. "infested with enormous industrial facilities" -> "overcrowded with numerous industrial facilities"
   Explanation: "Overcrowded" is more accurate in describing the density of industrial facilities in cities, and "numerous" is more precise than "enormous."

7. "most of the time" -> "often"
   Explanation: "Often" is more concise and formal than "most of the time."

8. "dumping wastes" -> "discharging waste"
   Explanation: "Discharging waste" is a more formal and precise term than "dumping wastes."

9. "clean water sources" -> "clean water sources"
   Explanation: This is a typographical error correction.

10. "the living environment of civilians" -> "the living environments of civilians"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural form to match the subject.

11. "these phenormenal" -> "these phenomena"
    Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and uses the correct plural form.

12. "fee so that they could harvest more profit" -> "to reduce costs and increase profits"
    Explanation: "To reduce costs and increase profits" is clearer and more formal than the original phrase.

13. "everyonne for himself" -> "every person for themselves"
    Explanation: Corrects the typographical error and adjusts the phrase to "every person for themselves" for grammatical correctness and formality.

14. "severe health problem" -> "severe health problems"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural form to match the context.

15. "compulsory investment of the government" -> "mandatory investment by the government"
    Explanation: "Mandatory investment by the government" is more precise and formal.

16. "listed abve" -> "listed above"
    Explanation: Corrects a typographical error.

17. "far more advancing technologies" -> "far more advanced technologies"
    Explanation: "Advanced" is the correct adjective form to describe technologies that have progressed.

18. "notabe" -> "notable"
    Explanation: Corrects a typographical error.

19. "has started to provide" -> "have started to provide"
    Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement to match the plural subject "many companies."

20. "keep its workers at best condition" -> "maintain their workers in optimal condition"
    Explanation: "Maintain their workers in optimal condition" is more formal and precise than "keep its workers at best condition."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the negative and positive aspects of living in big cities concerning health. The writer states that they "only partly agree" with the notion that living in big cities is detrimental to health, which indicates an understanding of the complexity of the issue. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides. For instance, while the negative impacts of pollution are discussed in detail, the positive aspects of urban living, such as access to healthcare, could be elaborated further to provide a more comprehensive response.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly explored. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to the advantages of living in big cities, supported by specific examples or statistics. Additionally, a clearer conclusion summarizing both sides would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the author partly agrees with the statement. However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. For example, the transition between discussing the negative impacts of urban living and the positive aspects of healthcare is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse the reader about the overall stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use signposting language to guide the reader through their argument. Phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" can help delineate the contrasting views. Additionally, reiterating the main position in the conclusion can reinforce clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the health impacts of living in big cities, such as pollution from industrial facilities and the availability of advanced healthcare. However, the development of these ideas is inconsistent. For instance, while the discussion on pollution is detailed, the mention of healthcare advancements lacks specific examples or data to substantiate the claims made.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, citing a study on the health outcomes in urban versus rural areas could strengthen the argument. Additionally, each idea should be clearly linked back to the main thesis to ensure coherence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the health implications of living in big cities. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as the mention of companies providing healthcare services, which could be seen as somewhat tangential to the main argument about health impacts.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the question of health in big cities. It may help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all content is relevant. Additionally, avoiding overly general statements and staying specific to the topic will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, there are areas for improvement in clarity, support, and coherence that could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that acknowledges both sides of the debate regarding the health implications of living in big cities. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are structured to first present the negative aspects followed by the positive aspects. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by abrupt transitions and a lack of clear topic sentences in some paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing pollution to healthcare facilities could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that outline the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help create a smoother flow between contrasting points. Structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on a single main idea, and a concise conclusion will also improve coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be better organized into separate paragraphs. For example, the first paragraph discusses pollution and health problems but could be divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on pollution and another on its health impacts. This would allow for a more focused discussion in each paragraph.
  • How to improve: Aim to keep paragraphs focused on a single main idea. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. If a paragraph begins to cover multiple points, consider splitting it into two or more paragraphs to maintain clarity and focus.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "Overall," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "grim as it may sound like" is somewhat informal and could be replaced with a more formal transition.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Consequently," and "Despite this." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and in a formal context to maintain the academic tone of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it often relies on basic terms and phrases. For example, words like "bad cities," "health problem," and "big companies" are quite generic and do not convey a nuanced understanding of the topic. The use of phrases such as "infested with enormous industrial facilities" and "dumping wastes" shows some attempt at variety, but they could be more sophisticated.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more precise and varied terms. For instance, instead of "bad cities," consider using "urban environments" or "metropolitan areas." Instead of "health problem," terms like "healthcare challenges" or "public health concerns" could be employed. Engaging with synonyms and more complex phrases can elevate the overall quality of the writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "harming your own health" could be more effectively expressed as "detrimental to public health." Additionally, the term "toxic smoke" is somewhat vague; specifying the types of pollutants would provide clearer information. The phrase "phenormenal mostly caused by these big companies" is confusing and appears to be a typographical error (likely intended to be "phenomena"), which affects precision.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using terminology that accurately reflects the subject matter. For example, rather than "toxic smoke," one could specify "volatile organic compounds" or "particulate matter." Regularly reviewing and revising vocabulary choices for clarity and specificity will enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability and professionalism. Words such as "heatlh," "lving," "abve," "notabe," and "everyonne" are misspelled. These errors not only detract from the overall impression of the essay but also can lead to misunderstandings of the content.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or writing drafts and revising them after a break to see the text with fresh eyes. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to engage with it critically, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "this statement does have some legit and acceptable insight" and "there are still some notable advantages in term of healthcare" are straightforward but lack complexity. Additionally, the use of phrases such as "grim as it may sound like" attempts to introduce a more complex structure but is awkwardly phrased.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying, "Most of these cities have far more advanced and well-funded healthcare facilities," the writer could say, "Although many people criticize big cities for their health issues, they often overlook the fact that these urban areas typically offer advanced and well-funded healthcare facilities." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "living in bad cities" should be "living in big cities," and "heatlh" is a misspelling of "health." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "many companies has started" instead of "many companies have started." Punctuation errors include missing commas, such as in "due to the health-related problems listed abve," where a comma before "listed" would clarify the sentence structure.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and spelling mistakes. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct these issues. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For instance, revising "the development of medical technology and the advancements of society has somewhat tackled in these problems" to "the development of medical technology and the advancements of society have somewhat tackled these problems" would correct the subject-verb agreement and improve overall readability.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy through careful proofreading and practice.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a belief that living in bad cities is equal to harming your own health. While this statement does have some legitimate and valid insights into the current health problems of residing in big cities, I only partly agree with this opinion.

Firstly, we need to see why people believe it is unhealthy to live in big cities. Obviously, most of these cities are infested with enormous industrial facilities, and most of the time, the main source of pollution comes from them. This is due to the common practice of many modern industrial companies discharging waste into clean water sources or directly into the living environments of civilians. The toxic smoke being released into the atmosphere also pollutes the air people breathe in. These phenomena are mostly caused by these big companies in order to cut down their costs on cleaning and processing waste before releasing it into the environment for free so that they could harvest more profit for themselves. Just like the famous quote, “everyone for themselves.” This has undoubtedly caused many severe health problems, from damaging the respiratory system to causing cancer due to toxic substances present in the foods that we consume.

However, grim as it may sound, there are still some notable advantages in terms of healthcare when living in big cities. Most of these cities have far more advanced and well-funded healthcare facilities compared to those in rural areas. This is a mandatory investment by the government in urban areas due to the health-related problems listed above. Of course, with far more advanced technologies in taking care of patients and preventing illness, this has somewhat relieved the problems of severe health issues that one could contract due to the toxicity of industrial facilities. It is also notable that recently, with the development of society, many companies have started to provide basic healthcare services in order to maintain their workers in optimal condition (and obviously also to protect their company’s image in public).

Overall, living in big cities might sound pretty hard to consider due to many healthcare problems, but the development of medical technology and the advancements of society have somewhat tackled these issues.