Some people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places like libraries, shop and on public transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places like libraries, shop and on public transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The use of mobile phones has become a controversial topic. It is acknowledged that cellphones should be disallowed in public places. From my perspective, I partially agree with this statement for some reasons below.
One of the primary advantages of the elimination of mobile phones in public places is the annoyance it might cause to the people around. For instance, people in a tranquil place as library is easily disturbed by the sound from mobile phones, especially for the people who often come to the library for studying, or working and they need to completely concentrate on their tasks. Besides, cellphones could easily leak the information, for example our location, our payment and even our photos could be leaked. Moreover, the use of cell phones in public places might cause dangers. A great deal of accidents are caused by the use of mobile phones on the street. People could be distracted and could not pay attention to our surroundings. Aside from that, people might be stolen if people use it on the street.
On the contrary, there are a large number of benefits that allowing cellphones bring to user. When we go on a trip to a country in which people use a different language, it is necessary to make use of apps to communicate with the inhabitants in case we need their help, or ask for directions. Besides, with mobile phones, people could search for information, or work when they need it anywhere. And in the era of technological development nowadays, there are plenty of QR codes for payment in a quantity of shops. People do not pay in cash as much as before, instead they scan QR codes for payment, and because of that, we need to use cellphones in public places, for example in shops, in restaurants, and in hospitals. Moreover, if people could not use mobile phones in public places, it would be difficult to contact their family in emergency situations, for instance, they forget to bring vital documents when they take an exam, or when they go to the airport.
In conclusion, I want to emphasize that I partially agree with the statement that mobile phones should be banned in public places, because of both sides advantage and disadvantage of it.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"controversial topic" -> "debated issue"
Explanation: "Debated issue" is a more precise and formal term that better captures the academic tone required in this context, emphasizing the ongoing discussion surrounding the topic rather than the emotional connotation of "controversial." -
"cellphones should be disallowed" -> "cellphones should be prohibited"
Explanation: "Prohibited" is a more formal and precise term than "disallowed," aligning better with academic language and enhancing the formality of the statement. -
"some reasons below" -> "the following reasons"
Explanation: "The following reasons" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing, providing a clear transition to the subsequent points. -
"people in a tranquil place as library" -> "individuals in a tranquil environment such as a library"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "environment" is a more precise term than "place" in this context. Additionally, "such as" is more formal than "as." -
"people who often come to the library for studying, or working" -> "individuals who frequently visit libraries for research or work"
Explanation: "Individuals" and "frequently" are more formal and precise, and "research" is a more academic term than "studying." -
"could easily leak the information" -> "could easily compromise personal information"
Explanation: "Compromise personal information" is a more specific and formal way to describe the potential security risks associated with cellphones. -
"A great deal of accidents are caused" -> "a significant number of accidents are caused"
Explanation: "A significant number" is a more precise and formal expression than "a great deal," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"could not pay attention to our surroundings" -> "may not be aware of their surroundings"
Explanation: "May not be aware of their surroundings" is more formal and avoids the possessive pronoun "our," which is less appropriate in this context. -
"people might be stolen if people use it on the street" -> "individuals may be vulnerable to theft if they use their phones on the street"
Explanation: "Individuals may be vulnerable to theft" is more precise and formal, and "they" is more appropriate than "people" in this context. -
"there are a large number of benefits that allowing cellphones bring to user" -> "there are numerous benefits that the use of cellphones offers to users"
Explanation: "Numerous benefits" is more formal than "a large number," and "offers to users" is grammatically correct and more formal than "bring to user." -
"it would be difficult to contact their family in emergency situations" -> "it would be challenging to contact family members in emergency situations"
Explanation: "Challenging" is more formal than "difficult," and "family members" is a more precise term than "their family." -
"because of both sides advantage and disadvantage of it" -> "due to both the advantages and disadvantages of this"
Explanation: "Due to both the advantages and disadvantages of this" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving the clarity and formality of the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the banning of mobile phones in public places. The author states a partial agreement, which is a valid position. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer distinction between the extent of agreement and disagreement. For instance, while the advantages of banning mobile phones are mentioned, the disadvantages could be more explicitly linked to the author’s stance on the extent of agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should clearly outline their position on how much they agree or disagree with the statement. They could include a brief summary of their viewpoint in the introduction and then elaborate on it in the body paragraphs, ensuring that each point made is directly tied back to the extent of their agreement.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position of partial agreement, but this stance is not consistently reinforced throughout the text. The introduction states the author’s position, but the conclusion is somewhat vague, merely reiterating that there are advantages and disadvantages without clearly stating the author’s final stance.
- How to improve: The writer should maintain a clear position by explicitly stating it in the conclusion and summarizing the key points that support this position. They could also use phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" to reinforce their stance throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phone usage in public places. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, while the author mentions that mobile phones can lead to accidents, they do not provide specific examples or statistics to support this claim.
- How to improve: To strengthen this area, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. Incorporating statistics or real-life scenarios could provide stronger support for their arguments, making them more persuasive.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of mobile phone usage in public places. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the mention of QR codes and their relevance to mobile phone usage could be more directly linked to the argument about public places rather than being presented as a standalone point.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question of whether mobile phones should be banned in public places. They could do this by explicitly connecting each point back to the main argument, ensuring that all information presented serves to clarify or support their position.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements can be made in clarity of position, depth of argumentation, and explicit connections to the prompt. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the use of mobile phones in public places, with a balanced discussion of both supporting and opposing views. The introduction effectively sets up the topic and the writer’s stance. However, the flow of ideas within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the disadvantages of mobile phones to the advantages is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the overall structure.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Conversely") at the beginning of contrasting paragraphs can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the first paragraph discusses multiple points regarding the disadvantages of mobile phones but lacks a clear internal structure. The second paragraph, while addressing advantages, could also benefit from clearer topic sentences and supporting details.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point. Following this, include supporting sentences that elaborate on the topic. For instance, in the disadvantages paragraph, consider breaking it into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the annoyance caused by mobile phones and another on safety concerns.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "besides," "moreover," and "on the contrary," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, "for example" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "consequently." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it often relies on basic terms and phrases. For instance, the use of "mobile phones," "public places," and "people" is repetitive and lacks variation. Phrases like "a great deal of accidents" and "a large number of benefits" show some attempt at variety, but they could be enhanced with more sophisticated synonyms or expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or more specific terms. For example, instead of repeating "mobile phones," you could use "smartphones" or "cellular devices." Instead of "public places," consider "public venues" or "shared environments." Additionally, incorporating idiomatic expressions or more advanced vocabulary related to technology and communication could elevate the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the elimination of mobile phones" could be more accurately expressed as "the prohibition of mobile phones." The phrase "the sound from mobile phones" could be better articulated as "the ringing or notification sounds of mobile phones." Additionally, the phrase "people might be stolen" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "people might become victims of theft."
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Review the context in which you are using certain words and consider if there are more appropriate alternatives. For example, instead of "leak the information," use "compromise sensitive information." Reading more academic essays or articles can help you identify precise vocabulary in context.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "disallowed" (which is correct but could be replaced with "banned" for simplicity), "as library" (should be "as a library"), and "could not pay attention to our surroundings" (should be "could not pay attention to their surroundings"). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review your work with fresh eyes to catch errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify mistakes. Regular practice with spelling exercises or quizzes can also enhance your spelling skills over time.
By addressing these areas, you can work towards improving your lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "One of the primary advantages of the elimination of mobile phones in public places is the annoyance it might cause to the people around" showcases a complex structure with a clear main clause and subordinate clause. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as "people could" and "it is necessary to," which could be varied for greater impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with varied clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "people," try using introductory phrases or clauses. Additionally, integrating participial phrases or conditional structures could add depth and complexity to your writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "as library" should be "as a library," and "could easily leak the information" might be better phrased as "could easily leak information." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, e.g., "when they need it anywhere" could benefit from a comma before "when" for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and article usage. Reviewing the rules for countable and uncountable nouns would also be beneficial, as seen in "the annoyance it might cause to the people around" where "the" may be unnecessary. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and items in a list correctly. Reading your work aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentence clarity could be improved.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the noted weaknesses will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The use of mobile phones has become a debated issue. It is acknowledged that cellphones should be prohibited in public places. From my perspective, I partially agree with this statement for the following reasons.
One of the primary advantages of eliminating mobile phones in public places is the annoyance they can cause to those around. For instance, individuals in a tranquil environment such as a library can be easily disturbed by the sounds from mobile phones, especially individuals who frequently visit libraries for research or work and need to concentrate fully on their tasks. Additionally, cellphones could easily compromise personal information; for example, our location, payment details, and even photos could be leaked. Moreover, the use of cell phones in public places might pose dangers. A significant number of accidents are caused by the use of mobile phones on the street, as people may not be aware of their surroundings. Furthermore, individuals may be vulnerable to theft if they use their phones on the street.
On the contrary, there are numerous benefits that the use of cellphones offers to users. When we travel to a country where a different language is spoken, it is essential to utilize apps to communicate with locals in case we need their help or directions. Additionally, with mobile phones, people can search for information or work whenever necessary. In today’s era of technological development, many shops have adopted QR codes for payment. People do not pay in cash as frequently as before; instead, they scan QR codes for transactions. Because of this, we need to use cellphones in public places, such as shops, restaurants, and hospitals. Moreover, if people could not use mobile phones in public places, it would be challenging to contact family members in emergency situations, such as forgetting vital documents when taking an exam or when heading to the airport.
In conclusion, I want to emphasize that I partially agree with the statement that mobile phones should be banned in public places, due to both the advantages and disadvantages of this issue.