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Some people think that robots are very important for humans’ future development. Others, however, think that robots are a dangerous invention that could have negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people think that robots are very important for humans' future development. Others, however, think that robots are a dangerous invention that could have negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your opinion

In the modern world, it is evident that the development of robots has a tremendous influence on humanity and is expected to bring greater benefits in the future. However, this has led to a rising debate on whether machines should be considered a threat to society. The following paragraphs will try to cover both sides of the argument as well as give my take on this matter.
On the one hand, one profound impact of robots on our society is how it has put repetitive jobs out of order. More specifically, careers that only require employees to do the same action repeatedly can easily be replaced by machines which can do the exact action based on one single algorithm. As a result, human workers’ presentations in most manufacturing factories are undeniably useless and they are prone to be fired. For example, In 2002, a renowned shoe-producing company named Nike used to have 2000 workers per factory. However, the figure decreased to 50 people because most employees were replaced with robots whereas the rest have the responsibility to control those robots.
On the other hand, the advancement of machines has positively influenced our lives in several ways. One of which is how it allows humans to have a higher living standards. As numerous robot innovations have already occurred, robots are present in every aspect of our society, namely domestic purpose, education, and even healthcare. Therefore, sweeping the house, or patients being diagnosed using only doctors’ subjective thoughts can all be replaced by machines. To illustrate, Japanese scientists have developed a type of nano robots that can knock down condensed blood particles by inserting a person’s body though a pill and going to the damaged organs by blood streams.
In conclusion, although the presence of machines may increase the risk of unemployment as it puts millions of blue-collar employees out of work, this tendency could serve as a motivation for people to work harder and pursue more useful and necessary careers. In addition, the benefits of machines has unarguably improved our life expectancies in numerous aspects.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "tremendous influence" -> "significant impact"
    Explanation: Replacing "tremendous influence" with "significant impact" elevates the formality of the language while maintaining the emphasis on the substantial effect robots have on humanity.

  2. "led to a rising debate" -> "sparked a growing debate"
    Explanation: Changing "led to a rising debate" to "sparked a growing debate" enhances the sophistication of the expression, making it more fitting for academic writing.

  3. "put repetitive jobs out of order" -> "rendered repetitive jobs obsolete"
    Explanation: Substituting "put repetitive jobs out of order" with "rendered repetitive jobs obsolete" introduces a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic language.

  4. "they are prone to be fired" -> "they are susceptible to termination"
    Explanation: Replacing "they are prone to be fired" with "they are susceptible to termination" utilizes a more formal phrase, contributing to the overall academic tone of the essay.

  5. "a renowned shoe-producing company named Nike" -> "a well-known footwear manufacturer, Nike"
    Explanation: Changing "a renowned shoe-producing company named Nike" to "a well-known footwear manufacturer, Nike" improves the formality and specificity of the reference to Nike.

  6. "the figure decreased to 50 people" -> "the workforce dwindled to 50 individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "the figure decreased to 50 people" with "the workforce dwindled to 50 individuals" employs more formal language, enhancing the precision and academic quality of the statement.

  7. "positively influenced our lives" -> "positively impacted our lives"
    Explanation: Replacing "positively influenced our lives" with "positively impacted our lives" maintains a formal tone while offering a more precise term for the effect of machine advancement.

  8. "allow humans to have a higher living standards" -> "enable humans to achieve higher living standards"
    Explanation: Changing "allow humans to have a higher living standards" to "enable humans to achieve higher living standards" ensures grammatical correctness and elevates the formality of the expression.

  9. "robot innovations have already occurred" -> "robotic innovations have already emerged"
    Explanation: Substituting "robot innovations have already occurred" with "robotic innovations have already emerged" employs a more formal term, contributing to the academic style of the essay.

  10. "sweeping the house" -> "performing household chores"
    Explanation: Replacing "sweeping the house" with "performing household chores" maintains clarity while using a more formal and specific phrase.

  11. "unarguably improved our life expectancies" -> "undeniably enhanced various aspects of our lives"
    Explanation: Changing "unarguably improved our life expectancies" to "undeniably enhanced various aspects of our lives" introduces a more formal and expansive phrase, contributing to the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the positive and negative impacts of robots on society. It provides examples and reasoning for both perspectives, showcasing a balanced approach.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, consider providing more nuanced insights or counterarguments to strengthen the depth of analysis. Additionally, ensure that all aspects of the prompt are covered explicitly.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of robots in society. The writer’s opinion is evident in the conclusion, supporting the idea that machines, despite potential job loss, contribute to improved life expectancies and motivate individuals to pursue more valuable careers.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state the writer’s opinion earlier in the essay, possibly in the introduction, and consistently reinforce this stance throughout the body paragraphs.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, discussing the impact of robots on employment and life quality. Specific examples, such as Nike’s factory automation and the development of nano robots for healthcare, enhance the depth of the discussion.
    • How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider providing additional real-world examples or exploring potential counterarguments. This can add complexity to the analysis and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the positive and negative effects of robots on society. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as the mention of increased life expectancies, which seems slightly disconnected from the primary theme of societal impact.
    • How to improve: Ensure that every point directly relates to the prompt. If discussing life expectancies, establish a clear link to how robots contribute to this aspect, maintaining a more cohesive and focused discussion.

In summary, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively exploring both perspectives on the role of robots in society. To improve, the writer could enhance the depth of analysis, explicitly state their position earlier, provide additional examples, and maintain a sharper focus on the central theme throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with clear introductory and concluding paragraphs. The body paragraphs, however, could benefit from a more consistent structure. While the first body paragraph discusses the negative impact of robots on employment, the second paragraph delves into the positive influences on living standards. This thematic shift may create a slight disruption in the logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a more seamless transition between paragraphs. Consider maintaining a consistent order, such as discussing negative impacts before positive ones, to create a smoother flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. However, the second paragraph is noticeably longer than the others, leading to a slight imbalance in paragraph lengths. This can affect the visual appeal and may influence the reader’s perception of the essay’s organization.
    • How to improve: Aim for more balanced paragraph lengths to maintain visual symmetry and ensure equal attention to each aspect of the discussion. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into more concise ones while maintaining coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns ("this," "which"), transitions ("on the one hand," "on the other hand"), and illustrative examples ("For example," "To illustrate"). However, there is room for improvement in the seamless integration of these devices to strengthen the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Ensure a more fluid incorporation of cohesive devices. Rather than relying solely on transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs, consider integrating them throughout the text to create a smoother connection between ideas. Additionally, explore a wider array of cohesive devices to diversify the essay’s structure further.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of coherence and cohesion, refining the logical organization, balancing paragraph lengths, and enhancing the integration of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, with words such as "profound," "undeniably," and "advancement." However, the vocabulary could be more diverse, and some words are repeated, such as "robots" and "machines."
    • How to improve: To enhance your score, try incorporating a wider variety of synonyms and more sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, focus on context-appropriate terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "robots" and "machines," you can use terms like "automatons," "artificial intelligence," or "technological entities" when appropriate.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise. However, there are instances where the choice of words could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "put repetitive jobs out of order" could be more precisely expressed, perhaps as "rendered repetitive jobs obsolete."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the nuances of words and strive for more precision. Use words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the case mentioned, consider alternative words that capture the idea of making jobs obsolete without using a more generic term like "out of order."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some errors, such as "unarguably," which should be spelled as "arguably." There are also minor punctuation issues, such as inconsistent spacing after periods.
    • How to improve: While the overall spelling is good, proofread carefully to catch these minor errors. Focus on consistent punctuation, and consider utilizing tools like spell-checkers to catch any spelling mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing your work before submission can enhance overall spelling accuracy.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid understanding of vocabulary use, with some room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Keep refining your language skills, pay attention to context-appropriate word choices, and ensure meticulous proofreading to elevate your lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used throughout. However, there is a tendency to rely on basic structures, and the variety could be enhanced for a more nuanced expression. For instance, the essay often starts sentences with subject pronouns, which can make the writing less dynamic.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses or varying the sentence beginnings. For example, instead of consistently starting sentences with subjects, experiment with introductory phrases or clauses. This will add sophistication to the writing and engage the reader more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays competent grammar usage, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward constructions. For instance, there is a minor tense inconsistency in the first paragraph ("has led" vs. "is expected"). Additionally, there is an awkward phrase, "careers that only require employees to do the same action repeatedly can easily be replaced by machines which can do the exact action based on one single algorithm," where clarity can be improved.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review tenses and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, focus on clarity in complex sentences to avoid awkward phrasing. In the mentioned example, consider breaking down the sentence or rephrasing for better flow and understanding. Additionally, pay attention to parallel structures to maintain coherence in ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and a decent range of structures. To improve, the writer should work on incorporating more diverse sentence structures and refining grammar accuracy for a more polished and sophisticated expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, it is evident that the development of robots has a significant impact on humanity and is expected to bring greater benefits in the future. However, this has sparked a growing debate on whether machines should be considered a threat to society. The following paragraphs will try to cover both sides of the argument as well as give my take on this matter.

On the one hand, one profound impact of robots on our society is how they have rendered repetitive jobs obsolete. More specifically, careers that only require employees to perform the same action repeatedly can easily be replaced by machines, which can execute the exact action based on a single algorithm. As a result, human workers’ contributions in most manufacturing factories are undeniably diminished, and they are susceptible to termination. For example, in 2002, a well-known footwear manufacturer, Nike, used to have 2000 workers per factory. However, the workforce dwindled to 50 individuals because most employees were replaced with robots, while the rest have the responsibility to control those robots.

On the other hand, the advancement of machines has undeniably enhanced various aspects of our lives. One way is how it enables humans to achieve higher living standards. As robotic innovations have already emerged, robots are present in every aspect of our society, namely domestic purposes, education, and even healthcare. Therefore, performing household chores, or patients being diagnosed using only doctors’ subjective thoughts can all be replaced by machines. To illustrate, Japanese scientists have developed a type of nano robots that can knock down condensed blood particles by inserting a person’s body through a pill and going to the damaged organs via blood streams.

In conclusion, although the presence of machines may increase the risk of unemployment as it puts millions of blue-collar employees out of work, this tendency could serve as a motivation for people to work harder and pursue more useful and necessary careers. In addition, the benefits of machines have unarguably improved our life expectancies in numerous aspects.

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