Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic courses which are useful to the career of students; courses like music and sports are not useful and therefore should not be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals are of the opinion that concentrating on scholarly courses would be effective in the students’ future career, while teaching music and sports is not necessary and would not yield a similar beneficial outcome. Personally, I partly agree with this suggestion based on some reasons that are explained in this essay.

On the one hand, there are some major rationales that explain why studying academic courses at school could effectively improve the quality of later occupation. First of all, In order to have a rewarding job in the currently competitive job market, undergraduates must try to equip themself with a substantial amount of knowledge related to their major. Therefore, concentrating on some particular subjects, which play a vital role in their later occupation, may help them to be able to respond to the job demands. Additionally, students who have a good performance on compulsory subjects such as math, physics or chemistry may get an impressed first sight with recruiters. In fact, various conglomerates often look for someone who has a specialized capability for the job, so having good qualifications on these subjects is beneficial for employees. As a result, learning academic subjects would be an optimal way for students to pursue their future career.

On the other hand, some optimal courses such as music and sports should be encouraged at school for the comprehensive development of students. To begin with, currently, students have to study in many compulsory subjects at school and do not have more time off for other activities, which also equip them with numerous basic life skills. Therefore, taking music and sports courses may provide and enhance their skills such as logical thinking and teamwork and these skills would be essential for their later life. Additionally, registering for music and sports courses can improve their health status, especially both physical and mental health. In fact, having the ability to play a particular type of sports may help students keep fit and stay in shape or play a famous song, making students unwinding and mitigating study pressure. For example, many students have a choice to enroll in sports or music clubs after a time at school, they think that helps them a lot in having a good balance between their study performance and personal life and if they do not do that they may struggle to deal with stress in their life.

In conclusion, while there are some benefits regarding academic courses, I still believe that it is more beneficial to focus on special subjects such as music and sports for the all-round development of students. It is advisable that students should balance their study routine between their academic performance and advantage some basic skill in other subjects.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals are of the opinion" -> "Some individuals hold the view"
Explanation: "Hold the view" is a more formal and precise expression commonly used in academic writing to indicate a belief or opinion.
"would be effective in the students’ future career" -> "would be effective in enhancing students’ future careers"
Explanation: Adding "enhancing" clarifies the nature of the effectiveness, and using "careers" instead of "career" acknowledges that students may have multiple career paths.
"based on some reasons that are explained in this essay" -> "based on the reasons outlined in this essay"
Explanation: "The reasons outlined" is more direct and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"First of all, In order to have" -> "Firstly, to have"
Explanation: "Firstly" is a more formal transitional phrase than "First of all," and removing "In order to" simplifies the sentence structure without losing meaning.
"equip themself" -> "equip themselves"
Explanation: "Themself" is not a standard possessive form; "themselves" is the correct form for the plural subject "undergraduates."
"may help them to be able to respond to the job demands" -> "may enable them to meet job demands"
Explanation: "Enable" is more precise and formal than "help," and "meet job demands" is a more direct and academic way to express preparedness for the workforce.
"get an impressed first sight with recruiters" -> "make a favorable impression on recruiters"
Explanation: "Make a favorable impression" is a more formal and accurate phrase than "get an impressed first sight," which is awkward and incorrect.
"optimal way" -> "optimal approach"
Explanation: "Approach" is more specific and academically appropriate than "way" in this context, referring to a method or strategy.
"optimal courses" -> "optimal subjects"
Explanation: "Subjects" is more specific and appropriate in this context, referring to academic disciplines like music and sports.
"do not have more time off for other activities" -> "have limited time for other activities"
Explanation: "Limited time" is a more precise and formal way to describe the constraint on time, avoiding the vague "do not have more time off."
"provide and enhance their skills" -> "provide and enhance their skill sets"
Explanation: "Skill sets" is a more precise term that refers to a collection of skills, which is more appropriate in an academic context.
"having the ability to play a particular type of sports" -> "possessing skills in a specific sport"
Explanation: "Possessing skills in a specific sport" is more formal and precise than "having the ability to play a particular type of sports."
"making students unwinding and mitigating study pressure" -> "allowing students to unwind and alleviate study pressure"
Explanation: "Allowing students to unwind and alleviate" is more formal and correctly uses the verb "alleviate" to describe reducing pressure.
"they think that helps them a lot" -> "they believe this helps them significantly"
Explanation: "Believe" and "significantly" are more formal and precise than "think" and "a lot," enhancing the academic tone.
"It is advisable that students should balance their study routine" -> "It is advisable for students to balance their study routines"
Explanation: "For students to balance their study routines" corrects the grammatical structure and uses the more formal "for" instead of "that."
"advantage some basic skill" -> "acquire some basic skills"
Explanation: "Acquire" is the correct verb for gaining skills, and "basic skills" is grammatically correct and more precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing both academic courses and non-academic courses like music and sports. It acknowledges the argument that schools should focus on academic courses beneficial to careers but also argues for the importance of music and sports.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly state whether it agrees, disagrees, or partially agrees/disagrees with the prompt. It should address both sides more comprehensively with specific examples and analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay initially presents a partial agreement with the idea that schools should focus on academic courses but then argues for the inclusion of music and sports. The position is not consistently clear throughout.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should clearly establish its stance from the beginning and maintain this stance throughout, supporting it with consistent arguments and examples.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of academic courses for career prospects and the benefits of music and sports for personal development. It provides some examples to support these ideas.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could develop each idea further with more detailed examples, statistics, or personal experiences to strengthen the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing whether schools should prioritize academic courses over music and sports. However, it occasionally veers into discussing student life skills and stress management, which are somewhat off-topic.
- How to improve: To stay focused, the essay should maintain a direct link to the prompt throughout. Avoid discussing tangential topics that do not directly relate to the argument being made.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, there are areas for improvement to achieve a higher band score. Clearer positioning from the outset, more comprehensive coverage of both sides of the argument with detailed examples, and maintaining a tighter focus on the prompt would enhance the overall coherence and effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing contrasting viewpoints, and a conclusion summarizing the author’s position. Each paragraph focuses on either the benefits of academic courses or the value of music and sports, presenting arguments sequentially.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each body paragraph maintains a single, coherent focus. Consider using topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the thesis statement to strengthen the essay’s overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on either academic courses or extracurricular activities like music and sports. Each paragraph contains multiple sentences that develop its main idea.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that paragraphs are balanced in length and depth of analysis. Specifically, consider expanding on examples provided to better support the arguments made within each paragraph, thus strengthening the overall argumentation.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices such as transitional words ("first of all," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("these skills," "this suggestion") to link ideas and paragraphs cohesively.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion further, integrate more diverse cohesive devices such as parallel structures ("not only… but also"), synonyms, or references to earlier points within the essay. This will help create a smoother flow between ideas and strengthen the logical progression of arguments.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a balanced view on the importance of academic courses versus extracurricular activities like music and sports. To achieve a higher band score, focus on refining paragraph structure to ensure more robust development of ideas and employ a wider range of cohesive devices for enhanced coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng:

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences ("In order to have a rewarding job…"), compound sentences ("Additionally, students who have a good performance…"), and simple sentences ("First of all…"). There is an attempt to use transitional phrases ("On the one hand…"; "On the other hand…") to organize ideas, although more sophisticated transitions could be utilized.
- How to improve: To enhance sentence variety, consider integrating more complex structures such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If students were encouraged…"), relative clauses (e.g., "Students who excel in academic subjects…"), or passive constructions (e.g., "It is believed by many…"). Additionally, aim for smoother transitions between paragraphs to improve coherence and cohesion.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that affect clarity. For example, "having a rewarding job in the currently competitive job market" should be "securing a rewarding job in the highly competitive job market." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement ("students have to study" should be "students have to study"). Punctuation marks such as commas and semicolons are inconsistently used.
- How to improve: Focus on mastering subject-verb agreement to ensure sentences are grammatically correct. Use commas effectively for clarity and to separate ideas appropriately within sentences. Practice using semicolons to connect closely related independent clauses where necessary. Review each sentence for clarity and revise awkward phrasing to improve overall readability.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures and generally accurate grammar and punctuation, improvements in sentence variety, grammar accuracy, and punctuation consistency would elevate the writing to a higher band score. Continued practice in these areas will help achieve greater clarity and coherence in expressing complex ideas effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that prioritizing academic courses over activities like music and sports would be effective in enhancing students’ future careers, suggesting that the latter are not as valuable in this regard. I partly agree with this view for several reasons outlined in this essay.

On the one hand, concentrating on academic subjects can significantly enhance students’ career prospects. Firstly, to secure a competitive job in today’s market, students must equip themselves with specialized knowledge relevant to their chosen field. Focusing on subjects like mathematics, physics, or chemistry prepares them to meet job demands and make a favorable impression on recruiters who value specialized skills. Therefore, emphasizing academic courses is crucial for students aiming to succeed in their future careers.

On the other hand, courses such as music and sports play a vital role in students’ comprehensive development and should not be overlooked. Firstly, amidst the heavy load of compulsory subjects, these courses provide students with essential life skills like logical thinking and teamwork, which are invaluable later in life. Additionally, participating in music and sports improves overall health, both physically and mentally, helping students manage stress and maintain well-being. For instance, engaging in sports allows students to stay fit, while music can serve as a means to unwind and relieve study pressure. Many students find that these activities contribute significantly to a balanced lifestyle, essential for coping with the pressures of academic performance.

In conclusion, while academic courses are undeniably important, I believe that incorporating subjects like music and sports is equally beneficial for students’ overall development. It is advisable for students to balance their study routines by gaining proficiency in both academic subjects and basic skills offered by these extracurricular activities. This holistic approach ensures students are well-prepared not only for their careers but also for a well-rounded life beyond academia.