Some people think that sense of competition should be encouraged in children. However, others consider cooperation more important to make them good adults. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

Many people support the idea that a sense of competition is good for children, others think that cooperation is better. From my perspective, I agree that competition plays an important role for children’ development.
On the one hand, there are many compelling reasons why cooperation brings many benefits for students. Firstly, doing teamwork allows children to learn how to regulate their emotions. Not everyone has a similar character leading to many different ideas so it is undeniable that children can get into many conflicts, thus, it requires children to have some personal traits such as patience or self- control to cooperate with their teammates. For example, in a class project, children need to get well on their teammates by controlling their temper, lowering their ego or listening to member’s ideals. Thus, children can build many healthy relationships, they can develop the ability to understand others’ perspectives. In addition, learning cooperation teaches childrens how to resolve conflicts peacefully.
Admittedly, it is indisputable that a sense of competition is better than cooperation. It is widely known that the world is full of competitions, so approaching competition when they study at school is a great way for children are not be nervous when they grow up. Learning cooperation helps children to equip many valuable skills for students such as problem – solving, critical thinking or time management. For example, in many school debate competitions, children can learn how to deal with many answers quickly and exactly, thus, it can improve their abilities of solving problems. Through these activities, children can identify their strengths and weaknesses so they will discover the areas that they want to improve the most.
In conclusion, while some people suppose that cooperation has many advantages, I still agree that a sense of competition is better for the children’ development.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Many people support the idea" -> "Numerous individuals advocate the notion"
Explanation: Replacing "Many people support the idea" with "Numerous individuals advocate the notion" enhances the formal tone by using more sophisticated vocabulary and a more precise term.
"others think" -> "others believe"
Explanation: Changing "think" to "believe" maintains a more formal tone appropriate for academic writing.
"important role for children’ development" -> "crucial role in children’s development"
Explanation: "Crucial" elevates the importance, and "in children’s development" corrects the possessive form and preposition for a more accurate and formal expression.
"compelling reasons why" -> "persuasive arguments for"
Explanation: "Persuasive arguments for" is more formal and specific than "compelling reasons why," aligning better with academic style.
"doing teamwork" -> "engaging in teamwork"
Explanation: "Engaging in teamwork" is a more formal way to describe the act of working together in a team.
"childrens" -> "children"
Explanation: Corrects the plural form of "children," eliminating the unnecessary and incorrect ‘s’.
"it is indisputable that a sense of competition is better than cooperation" -> "it is a widely held view that a sense of competition surpasses cooperation"
Explanation: The revised sentence avoids the absolute claim by introducing it as a "widely held view," which is more appropriate for academic discourse, and "surpasses" is a more precise term than "is better than."
"for children are not be nervous" -> "to ensure children do not become anxious"
Explanation: "To ensure children do not become anxious" corrects the grammatical structure and uses more formal language to convey the intended meaning.
"equip many valuable skills for students" -> "endow students with numerous valuable skills"
Explanation: "Endow students with numerous valuable skills" is more formal and accurately describes the process of imparting skills to students.
"deal with many answers quickly and exactly" -> "address numerous responses swiftly and accurately"
Explanation: "Address numerous responses swiftly and accurately" replaces informal phrasing with more precise and formal language suitable for academic writing.
"improve their abilities of solving problems" -> "enhance their problem-solving abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance their problem-solving abilities" is more concise and uses terminology more appropriate for academic contexts.
"children’ development" -> "children’s development"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form to "children’s" for grammatical accuracy.
"suppose" -> "contend"
Explanation: Replacing "suppose" with "contend" introduces a more formal verb that is commonly used in academic discussions to indicate belief or argument.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the merits of both competition and cooperation in children’s development. It acknowledges that while some advocate for cooperation, the writer ultimately favors competition.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that the discussion of both competition and cooperation is balanced. While presenting a personal stance is encouraged, it’s essential to offer a more comprehensive analysis of the opposing viewpoint.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance supporting competition, consistently advocating its benefits throughout the essay. The writer’s position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, anticipate and address potential counterarguments to bolster the coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of both cooperation and competition, although it predominantly focuses on competition. It provides examples such as teamwork in class projects and participation in debate competitions to support the argument.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion on the benefits of cooperation to provide a more balanced argument. Additionally, incorporate more varied and nuanced examples to illustrate the advantages of both cooperation and competition in children’s development.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the role of competition and cooperation in children’s development as prompted. However, there are instances where the focus veers slightly off topic, such as when discussing the benefits of competition in adulthood.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the topic of competition versus cooperation in children’s development. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to addressing the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues for the benefits of competition in children’s development, it could improve by offering a more balanced discussion that acknowledges the merits of cooperation. Additionally, maintaining strict adherence to the topic throughout the essay will further enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It presents two main viewpoints regarding competition and cooperation in children’s development. Each viewpoint is supported by separate paragraphs, contributing to a clear structure. However, within paragraphs, there is a tendency towards presenting ideas somewhat haphazardly, lacking smooth transitions between sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear topic sentence and that supporting ideas are presented in a coherent manner. Use transition words and phrases to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Consider outlining the essay before writing to ensure a more structured approach to presenting ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on either the benefits of cooperation or the benefits of competition, contributing to a clear division of content. However, some paragraphs lack sufficient development of ideas, leading to occasional disjointedness.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph is sufficiently developed with supporting details and examples. Start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that introduces the main idea, and then provide elaboration and evidence to support that idea. Aim for coherence within paragraphs by maintaining focus on the central theme throughout.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as transition phrases like "On the one hand" and "Admittedly." While these devices help signal shifts between ideas, their use is somewhat repetitive and could be expanded for smoother transitions.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices to improve coherence and cohesion. Use transition words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Moreover," and "However" to establish connections between sentences and ideas more effectively. Additionally, consider using pronouns, conjunctions, and referencing words to link sentences and paragraphs more seamlessly.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some organizational clarity and utilizes basic cohesive devices, there is room for improvement in terms of logical structure, paragraph development, and diversification of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, contributing to a more cohesive and effectively structured response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly broad vocabulary range, with some varied word choices and expressions utilized throughout. For instance, phrases like "compelling reasons," "regulate their emotions," "approaching competition," and "indisputable" showcase an attempt to diversify vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary further, consider incorporating more sophisticated and contextually appropriate synonyms or idiomatic expressions. Additionally, strive to include specialized terminology related to the topic to demonstrate a deeper understanding.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas adequately, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "get well on their teammates" seems unclear; it might be better expressed as "get along with their teammates." Additionally, the term "identifying their strengths and weaknesses" could be replaced with "recognizing their strengths and areas for improvement" for clarity.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings and nuances of words and phrases, ensuring they accurately convey intended messages. Utilize a thesaurus or language resources to find precise synonyms and expressions that fit the context effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with no major errors observed throughout the essay. However, there are a few minor spelling errors such as "childrens" (should be "children’s") and "ideals" (should be "ideas").
- How to improve: Continuously practice spelling words correctly, paying attention to commonly misspelled words and employing spell-check tools when available. Proofreading essays thoroughly before submission can also help catch and correct any spelling mistakes.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence length and structure, although some sentences tend to be overly long and convoluted, impacting clarity.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range and effectiveness, strive for clearer and more concise expression. Consider breaking down lengthy sentences into smaller, more digestible segments. Additionally, incorporate a wider variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to add complexity and richness to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits reasonably accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are instances of errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ("childrens"), incorrect word choices ("many reasons why cooperation brings many benefits"), and punctuation errors (missing commas).
- How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by paying closer attention to subject-verb agreement and word choice. Review the proper usage of punctuation marks, particularly commas, to enhance clarity and coherence. Consider utilizing proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, conciseness, and precision in language use. By refining sentence structures, addressing grammatical errors, and enhancing punctuation skills, the essay can achieve even greater effectiveness and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals advocate the notion that a sense of competition should be encouraged in children, while others believe that cooperation plays a crucial role in children’s development. From my perspective, I agree that competition plays an important role in children’s development.

On the one hand, there are persuasive arguments for why cooperation brings many benefits for students. Firstly, engaging in teamwork allows children to learn how to regulate their emotions. Not everyone has a similar character, leading to many different ideas, so it is undeniable that children can get into many conflicts. Thus, it requires children to have some personal traits such as patience or self-control to cooperate with their teammates. For example, in a class project, children need to get along well with their teammates by controlling their temper, lowering their ego, or listening to members’ ideas. Thus, children can build many healthy relationships, and they can develop the ability to understand others’ perspectives. In addition, learning cooperation teaches children how to resolve conflicts peacefully.

Admittedly, it is widely held view that a sense of competition surpasses cooperation. It is widely known that the world is full of competitions, so approaching competition when they study at school is a great way for children to ensure they do not become anxious when they grow up. Learning cooperation helps children to endow students with numerous valuable skills such as problem-solving, critical thinking, or time management. For example, in many school debate competitions, children can learn how to address numerous responses swiftly and accurately, thus enhancing their problem-solving abilities. Through these activities, children can identify their strengths and weaknesses so they will discover the areas that they want to improve the most.

In conclusion, while some people contend that cooperation has many advantages, I still agree that a sense of competition is better for children’s development.