Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while other think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion

The determinants of success in life are a topic of much debate. While some opine that success is primarily attributed to financial wealth and physical appearance, others argue that factors including diligence and persistence are much more crucial. This essay will explore both perspectives on the situation and explain why I believe that the latter point is more significant.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that external factors such as socioeconomic status and aesthetic appeal are two of the other factors that contribute significantly to one's success. Firstly, people who were born into affluent families have greater opportunities to access higher education and gain international qualifications, which facilitates reaching better career prospects. For example, according to a survey conducted in America in 1988, approximately 55% of successful entrepreneurs are approached with superior education at an early age, which allows them to acquire worthwhile skills and knowledge that could be useful for their future employment. Secondly, it is believed that attractive appearance is of paramount importance, especially in certain occupations such as flight attendants, receptionists, singers, and actors. Indeed, if the singers or actors possess physical attractiveness, they are more likely to draw attention from their fans, which would result in their greater career prosperity.
On the other hand, I contend that diligence and persistence play a pivotal role in acquiring success. The primary reason for this is probably that not everyone is lucky enough to be raised in a wealthy family or have a good-looking appearance, but by making every possible effort, they still can achieve their objective. An example for this is the story of J.K. Rowling was a single mother living on welfare. Despite difficult circumstances and rejections by 12 different publishers, by being determined and industrious, she had successfully written a Harry Potter novel—one of the best-selling book series of all time—and she has become the first billionaire writer in the world. Another reason is that dedication and hard work allow people to develop vital abilities and expertise for success, such as perseverance, resilience, self-reliance, and problem-solving, which can help them overcome obstacles in their lives and giving them a sense of accomplishment. To illustrate, a renown inventor named Thomas Edison carried out countless experiments and also failed thousands of times before eventually making the first light bulb work.
In conclusion, it is true that financial standing and appearance are crucial to success, as they allow individuals to develop their skills and obtain better opportunities, respectively; however, I firmly believe that the role of being hardworking and having determination is much more essential because not everyone was raised in a prosperous family or has their own attractive appearance, and some occupations such as research and invention require devotion and perseverance rather than money or appearance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"opine" -> "believe"
Explanation: "Opine" is a less common and somewhat archaic term that may not be familiar to all readers. "Believe" is more straightforward and widely understood, enhancing clarity and readability in academic writing.
"primarily attributed to" -> "mainly due to"
Explanation: "Primarily attributed to" is correct but can be simplified to "mainly due to" for a more direct and formal expression in academic contexts.
"people who were born into affluent families" -> "individuals born into affluent families"
Explanation: "People" is somewhat informal and vague; "individuals" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"facilitates reaching better career prospects" -> "enhances career prospects"
Explanation: "Facilitates reaching" is verbose and awkward; "enhances" is more direct and academically appropriate, conveying the same meaning more efficiently.
"approached with superior education at an early age" -> "provided with superior education at an early age"
Explanation: "Approached" is incorrect in this context; "provided with" correctly conveys the idea of being given or offered something, which is more accurate in this context.
"worthwhile skills and knowledge" -> "valuable skills and knowledge"
Explanation: "Worthwhile" is less formal and slightly ambiguous; "valuable" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing to describe the importance of skills and knowledge.
"attractive appearance" -> "physical attractiveness"
Explanation: "Attractive appearance" is redundant; "physical attractiveness" is a more concise and formal way to refer to physical appearance in an academic context.
"draw attention from their fans" -> "attract the attention of their fans"
Explanation: "Draw attention from" is less formal and slightly awkward; "attract the attention of" is more formal and commonly used in academic writing.
"career prosperity" -> "professional success"
Explanation: "Career prosperity" is less specific and slightly informal; "professional success" is a more precise and formal term suitable for academic discourse.
"not everyone is lucky enough to be raised in a wealthy family" -> "not all individuals are fortunate enough to be raised in affluent families"
Explanation: "Lucky enough" is informal and slightly colloquial; "fortunate enough" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. Also, "individuals" is more precise than "everyone," and "affluent families" is more specific than "wealthy family."
"An example for this is" -> "An example of this is"
Explanation: "For" is incorrect in this context; "of" is the correct preposition to use when introducing an example.
"renown inventor" -> "renowned inventor"
Explanation: "Renown" is a noun form, whereas "renowned" is the adjective form needed here to describe the inventor.
"carried out countless experiments and also failed thousands of times" -> "conducted numerous experiments and failed thousands of times"
Explanation: "Carried out" is less formal and slightly vague; "conducted" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"making the first light bulb work" -> "developing the first functional light bulb"
Explanation: "Making the first light bulb work" is informal and imprecise; "developing the first functional light bulb" is more formal and accurately describes the process of creating a working prototype.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt: the importance of hard work and determination versus the significance of factors like money and appearance in achieving success. It discusses how financial wealth and appearance contribute to success (e.g., access to education, career opportunities, public perception in certain professions) and contrasts this with the argument that diligence and persistence are more crucial for achieving success.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure that each viewpoint is explored with equal depth. While the essay adequately discusses the perspective favoring hard work and determination, more elaboration could strengthen the discussion on the opposing viewpoint, perhaps with additional examples or statistical evidence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that diligence and persistence are more important than factors like money and appearance in achieving success. This position is articulated in the introduction, reinforced in the body paragraphs with examples (J.K. Rowling and Thomas Edison), and reiterated in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly supports this central thesis without straying into a neutral or opposing viewpoint. This can be achieved by consistently tying examples and arguments back to the assertion that hard work and determination are paramount.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas regarding both perspectives on success, extending arguments with examples such as J.K. Rowling and Thomas Edison. Each viewpoint is supported with specific examples and explanations, demonstrating a good level of development.
- How to improve: To strengthen, consider expanding on the impact of external factors (money and appearance) beyond anecdotal evidence. Statistical data or studies could bolster the argument on how these factors influence success in various fields, providing a more comprehensive analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, discussing the given viewpoints and their implications for success. However, there are moments where the discussion on appearance and wealth slightly veers into general observations rather than directly relating them back to the prompt.
- How to improve: Ensure every point directly connects to the discussion of success as influenced by hard work and determination versus external factors. This can be achieved by consistently tying each paragraph to the prompt’s requirements, avoiding tangential discussions.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides compelling arguments, focusing on maintaining balance between viewpoints and ensuring all examples directly support the thesis will further enhance clarity and coherence. Strengthening the evidence base with more diverse examples and statistical support would also enrich the analysis of success factors.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both perspectives, and a concluding paragraph summarizing the author’s opinion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic (e.g., external factors like wealth and appearance vs. personal qualities like diligence and persistence).
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider strengthening topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly introduce the main idea. Additionally, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph is dedicated to a distinct viewpoint or example, which aids in clarity and readability.
- How to improve: For improvement, focus on ensuring that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence around its central theme. Consider varying the length and structure of paragraphs to add variety and emphasis where needed.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"), pronouns ("it," "they," "this"), and repetition of key phrases ("diligence and persistence"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by linking ideas across sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, explore additional cohesive devices like synonyms, parallel structure, and referencing within sentences (e.g., "the latter point," "this example"). Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to strengthen the logical flow of arguments.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains coherence and cohesion to support a Band 6 score, refining the use of topic sentences, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices can elevate the clarity and organization of ideas, potentially improving the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable breadth of vocabulary by employing varied terms such as "opine," "affluent," "paramount," "prosperity," and "renown." These choices enhance the richness of the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To further elevate the lexical richness, consider incorporating more nuanced synonyms or exploring lesser-used vocabulary where appropriate. For instance, instead of "diligence and persistence," one could use "tenacity" or "fortitude" to add a layer of sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, as evidenced by terms like "socioeconomic status," "external factors," and "career prosperity." However, there are instances where simpler terms might have sufficed, such as using "hard work" instead of "making every possible effort."
- How to improve: Aim for consistent precision throughout by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning without unnecessary complexity. This can help in maintaining clarity and coherence in your arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is mostly maintained throughout the essay. However, there are occasional errors such as "renown" instead of "renowned," and a missing article in "a renown inventor named Thomas Edison."
- How to improve: Review spelling carefully, particularly for irregular or less common words. Using spell-check tools and proofreading systematically can help in identifying and correcting such errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with a wide range of terms effectively employed to discuss nuanced ideas about success. To enhance further, continue refining precision in word choice and ensure consistent accuracy in spelling to elevate the overall quality of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It includes complex sentences, compound sentences, and uses punctuation effectively to enhance readability. For instance, the use of introductory clauses ("While some opine…") and complex sentence structures ("An example for this is the story of J.K. Rowling…") showcases a range that supports clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more conditional sentences, passive constructions, or inversion for emphasis. These additions can add nuance and sophistication to the argumentation.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. There are minor errors, such as occasional subject-verb agreement issues ("people who were born into affluent families have greater opportunities…") and article misuse ("the other factors").
- The punctuation is generally well-handled, though there are instances where commas could be used more effectively for clarity or to indicate pauses.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Specifically, revise sentences for clarity and ensure articles ("a", "an", "the") are appropriately used before nouns. For punctuation, practice using commas to clarify sentence structure and aid readability, especially in complex sentences.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong grammatical range and accuracy appropriate for a Band 7 score. Continued focus on sentence structure variety and fine-tuning of grammatical details will support further improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The determinants of success in life are widely debated. While some argue that success hinges primarily on financial wealth and physical appearance, others emphasize the importance of diligence and persistence. This essay examines both viewpoints and asserts the greater significance of hard work and determination.

On one hand, external factors like socioeconomic status and attractiveness are indeed influential. Individuals born into affluent families often enjoy privileged access to higher education and international qualifications, significantly enhancing their career prospects. For instance, a study in America from 1988 revealed that 55% of successful entrepreneurs were provided with superior education early in life, equipping them with valuable skills and knowledge crucial for their future endeavors. Moreover, physical attractiveness can play a pivotal role, particularly in professions such as flight attendants, receptionists, singers, and actors. Appealing appearance can attract the attention of fans or clients, thereby enhancing professional success.

On the other hand, I firmly contend that diligence and persistence are paramount in achieving success. Not everyone has the fortune of being born into wealth or possessing innate attractiveness. Nevertheless, through relentless effort, individuals can still attain their goals. A compelling example is J.K. Rowling, a single mother on welfare who faced rejection from 12 publishers before achieving monumental success with the Harry Potter series, becoming the world’s first billionaire author through sheer determination. Furthermore, perseverance and hard work foster essential qualities like resilience, self-reliance, and problem-solving skills, crucial for overcoming life’s challenges and achieving personal fulfillment. Thomas Edison, a renowned inventor, famously conducted numerous failed experiments before successfully developing the first functional light bulb, demonstrating the power of persistence in innovation.

In conclusion, while financial status and appearance undeniably facilitate success by providing opportunities and visibility, I maintain that the essence of success lies in diligence and determination. These qualities are universal and accessible to everyone, regardless of their background or appearance. In professions requiring creativity, innovation, and endurance, such as research and invention, perseverance and dedication prove indispensable, overshadowing the influence of wealth or physical attractiveness alone. Therefore, while external factors can open doors, it is ultimately one’s commitment and unwavering resolve that pave the way to enduring success.