Some people think that technology is now an invaluable study tool for young people. Others, however, believe that it is harmful for the studying process.

There are many reasonable causes to believe that technology has a negative impact on young people. It seems to me that using technology creates more value for academic results.

Substantial evidence exists to demonstrate the harm of technology for students. Using technological tools too much can deeply affect people's health. It may be leading to some diseases which are popular with young people in school age such as eye disease, gaining weight,… Moreover, over-abusing technology can possibly harm the thinking process of pupils. Thinking can often be done by searching on laptops, smartphones, or tablets before students can think carefully to come up with some solutions for their problems by themselves. This is able to ruin their studying processes.

On the other hand, despite the disadvantages of technology for young people, I believe that there are more benefits in using technological devices. Obviously, students feel that it is necessary to use technology nowadays. Investigating documents, preparing for research, or studying for exams will be more time-saving by using technology. Moreover, technology allows young people to consume more knowledge, widen their academic zones, and approach lots of learning methods. Especially, studying by using technological tools doesn’t limit the time, even the places. For example, students in rural areas can approach education, and opportunities to develop their effort.

In conclusion, I feel that technology is useful for young students beside its risks. It has both positive and negative sides. So, the important thing is students have to learn how to control, prevent themselves from depending on technology too much, and make technology into their support tools in studying.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There are many reasonable causes to believe" -> "There are several compelling reasons to believe"
Explanation: "Several compelling reasons" is more precise and academically appropriate than "many reasonable causes," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"using technology creates more value for academic results" -> "the use of technology enhances academic outcomes"
Explanation: "Enhances academic outcomes" is a more formal and precise term than "creates more value for academic results," which is somewhat awkward and unclear.
"Using technological tools too much can deeply affect people’s health" -> "Excessive use of technological tools can significantly impact users’ health"
Explanation: "Excessive use" and "significantly impact" are more precise and formal than "Using too much" and "can deeply affect," which are colloquial and vague.
"It may be leading to some diseases" -> "it may contribute to various health issues"
Explanation: "Contribute to various health issues" is more specific and formal than "leading to some diseases," which is vague and informal.
"gaining weight," -> "weight gain"
Explanation: "Weight gain" is a more formal and concise term than "gaining weight," which is informal and less precise.
"over-abusing technology" -> "excessive technology use"
Explanation: "Excessive technology use" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "over-abusing technology," which is colloquial and negative in tone.
"thinking can often be done by searching on laptops, smartphones, or tablets" -> "thinking can often be facilitated by searching on laptops, smartphones, or tablets"
Explanation: "Facilitated" is a more precise and formal term than "done by," which is too simplistic and informal for academic writing.
"This is able to ruin their studying processes" -> "This can undermine their academic processes"
Explanation: "Undermine" is a more precise and formal term than "ruin," which is too strong and informal for academic discourse.
"Obviously, students feel that it is necessary to use technology nowadays" -> "It is evident that students consider technology essential in contemporary education"
Explanation: "It is evident that students consider technology essential in contemporary education" is more formal and avoids the conversational tone of "Obviously, students feel."
"Investigating documents, preparing for research, or studying for exams will be more time-saving by using technology" -> "Using technology can significantly reduce the time spent on tasks such as document investigation, research preparation, and exam study"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the sentence structure, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"consume more knowledge" -> "access a broader range of knowledge"
Explanation: "Access a broader range of knowledge" is more precise and formal than "consume more knowledge," which is vague and informal.
"widen their academic zones" -> "expand their academic horizons"
Explanation: "Expand their academic horizons" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "widen their academic zones," which is awkward and unclear.
"approach lots of learning methods" -> "utilize numerous learning methods"
Explanation: "Utilize numerous learning methods" is more formal and precise than "approach lots of learning methods," which is informal and vague.
"studying by using technological tools doesn’t limit the time, even the places" -> "studying with technological tools is not limited by time or location"
Explanation: This revision avoids the awkward construction and informal tone of the original, replacing it with a more formal and clear expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding technology as a study tool for young people. The first paragraph presents the negative impacts of technology, while the second paragraph discusses its benefits. However, the introduction could be clearer in explicitly stating that the essay will explore both perspectives, which would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt. The conclusion reiterates the author’s position but does not fully synthesize the arguments made in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the introduction should clearly outline that the essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of technology in education. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key points made in each paragraph to reinforce the discussion and provide a more balanced view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of technology as a beneficial study tool, but this is somewhat undermined by the initial focus on its negative impacts. The transition between discussing the harms and benefits is somewhat abrupt, which can confuse the reader about the author’s ultimate stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should use transitional phrases to better connect the discussion of negative and positive aspects. For example, after discussing the harms, a phrase like "Despite these concerns, it is important to recognize the significant advantages technology offers…" would help clarify the shift in focus.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the negative and positive impacts of technology, but the support for these ideas is somewhat uneven. The negative impacts are discussed with specific examples (health issues, impact on thinking), while the positive aspects are more general and lack detailed examples or evidence.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should provide more specific examples or data to back up claims about the benefits of technology. For instance, mentioning specific technologies or studies that demonstrate improved learning outcomes due to technology use would add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of technology in education. However, some sentences could be seen as slightly tangential, particularly when discussing health issues without directly linking them back to the study process.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of technology’s role in education. For instance, when discussing health issues, it would be beneficial to explicitly connect these issues to how they affect students’ ability to study effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but improvements in clarity, support, and focus would enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument with a logical structure, moving from the negative impacts of technology to its benefits. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to contrast the two viewpoints. However, the transition between the negative and positive aspects could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the connection between the two paragraphs could be more explicitly stated to enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve the logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift in perspective but also summarize the previous point. For example, before introducing the positive aspects, you could add a sentence that acknowledges the complexity of the issue, such as, "While the drawbacks of technology are significant, it is essential to also recognize its potential benefits."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the negative impacts, while the second addresses the positive aspects. However, the conclusion could be more distinct and should summarize the main points more effectively. Currently, it feels somewhat abrupt and does not reinforce the argument as strongly as it could.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. In the conclusion, consider restating the thesis and summarizing the key points discussed in the body paragraphs. This will provide a more cohesive ending and reinforce the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "For example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be improved. For example, the phrase "This is able to ruin their studying processes" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify how it relates to the argument about the negative impacts of technology.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely," and "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas. For instance, when introducing examples, phrases like "For instance" or "Such as" can be followed by a brief explanation of how the example supports the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By refining the logical flow, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be significantly improved.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases like "invaluable study tool," "substantial evidence," and "academic results." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with terms related to technology and its effects (e.g., "technology," "students," "young people"). This limits the lexical variety and can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "technology," alternatives like "digital tools," "electronic devices," or "technological advancements" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more academic vocabulary related to education and psychology could strengthen the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "gaining weight" and "popular with young people." The phrase "gaining weight" could be more accurately expressed as "weight gain," and "popular with young people" does not clearly convey the intended meaning regarding health issues. Furthermore, the term "over-abusing technology" could be refined to "excessive use of technology" for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using terms that accurately reflect the intended meaning. For example, instead of "harm the thinking process," a more precise phrase could be "impair cognitive development." Encouraging the use of context-specific vocabulary will also enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors, such as "beside its risks," which should be "besides its risks." Additionally, the phrase "academic zones" is somewhat awkward and could lead to confusion, although it is spelled correctly.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and phrases. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or engaging in regular writing practice can help reinforce correct spelling habits. Additionally, reading more academic texts can expose the writer to correct usage and spelling of complex vocabulary.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and ensuring spelling correctness, the writer can enhance their overall lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "Using technological tools too much can deeply affect people’s health" showcase a clear understanding of sentence construction. However, there are instances where sentence variety could be improved. For example, the sentence "This is able to ruin their studying processes" is somewhat awkward and could be rephrased for clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "It may be leading to some diseases," you could say, "It may lead to various health issues, particularly among young people, who are often susceptible to such conditions." Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases) can create more dynamic writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "which are popular with young people in school age" is awkwardly constructed; it would be clearer to say "which are common among school-aged youth." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the ellipsis in "gaining weight,…", which is not standard in formal writing and should be replaced with a complete thought or omitted.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for awkward constructions and punctuation errors. Focus on ensuring that all clauses are clearly connected and that punctuation marks are used correctly. For example, instead of "Moreover, over-abusing technology can possibly harm the thinking process of pupils," consider revising it to "Moreover, excessive use of technology may adversely affect students’ critical thinking skills." Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also help reinforce correct usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there are specific areas for improvement. By diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the overall quality of writing can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are many reasonable reasons to believe that technology has a negative impact on young people. However, it seems to me that using technology creates more value for academic results.

Substantial evidence exists to demonstrate the harm of technology for students. Using technological tools too much can deeply affect people’s health. It may contribute to various health issues that are common among young people in school age, such as eye problems and weight gain. Moreover, excessive use of technology can possibly harm the thinking process of pupils. Thinking can often be facilitated by searching on laptops, smartphones, or tablets, rather than allowing students to think carefully and come up with solutions for their problems by themselves. This can undermine their academic processes.

On the other hand, despite the disadvantages of technology for young people, I believe that there are more benefits to using technological devices. It is evident that students consider technology essential in contemporary education. Investigating documents, preparing for research, or studying for exams will be more time-saving with the use of technology. Moreover, technology allows young people to access a broader range of knowledge, expand their academic horizons, and utilize numerous learning methods. Especially, studying with technological tools is not limited by time or location. For example, students in rural areas can access education and opportunities to develop their skills.

In conclusion, I feel that technology is useful for young students despite its risks. It has both positive and negative sides. Therefore, the important thing is that students must learn how to control their use of technology, prevent themselves from depending on it too much, and make technology their support tool in studying.