Some people think that the most important function of music is to help people relax. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is firmly thought that the most necessary function of music is to assist human beings have a break. While i accept that it is a positive trend, i opine that it brings several disadvantages development.
On the one hand, there are several explanations for the fact that listening to music can help people relax and unwind. Firstly, listening to music promotes a opportunity to lower pressure for individuals. For example, music involves different rhythms and a wide range of attractive melodies, which could support individuals to ease the mind and forget temporarily all the pressure from the daily life. Another explanation is that people can take advantage of music to set up the music competitions or musical shows. For instance, after hard-working at school or at work, people could go to the cinema or theatre to enjoy good music. This memory is the favourite pastimes for people to reduce stress and even avoid other medical issues such as heart attack, stroke or cancer.
On the other hand, i firmly hold the view that there are also some drawbacks associated with music. One primary concern is the risk of hearing function. If people listened to music with loud sounds or even high intensity, they could be detrimental to hearing function. It also leads to loss the hearing or loss the cognitive function. Additionally, deafening music can be a limitation. For instance, the library is a public environment, where each individual could reinforce your knowledge and develop youself to become a better version in your life, but a number of people has a discourteous attitude such as high volume with light screen. This issue could have a severe impact on people. Individuals are interupted learning or working that affect the academic qualification or demoted in the working environment.
In conclusion, there are advantages to encourage people to enjoy the music, while there are also some disadvantges that music has a bad influence on each individual.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is firmly thought" -> "It is widely believed"
Explanation: "It is widely believed" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase, avoiding the awkward and less formal "It is firmly thought."
"assist human beings have a break" -> "aid individuals in taking a break"
Explanation: "Aid individuals in taking a break" is more formal and precise, replacing the awkward and informal "assist human beings have a break."
"i opine" -> "I opine"
Explanation: Capitalizing "I" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone of the essay.
"it brings several disadvantages development" -> "it presents several developmental disadvantages"
Explanation: "Presents several developmental disadvantages" is more specific and academically appropriate than the vague and incorrect "brings several disadvantages development."
"promotes a opportunity" -> "offers an opportunity"
Explanation: "Offers an opportunity" is grammatically correct and more formal than "promotes a opportunity."
"could support individuals to ease the mind" -> "can help individuals ease their minds"
Explanation: "Can help individuals ease their minds" is more direct and formal, improving clarity and flow.
"forget temporarily all the pressure" -> "temporarily forget all the pressures"
Explanation: "Temporarily forget all the pressures" corrects the awkward phrasing and aligns with formal English usage.
"set up the music competitions or musical shows" -> "organize music competitions or musical performances"
Explanation: "Organize music competitions or musical performances" is more precise and formal than "set up the music competitions or musical shows."
"after hard-working at school or at work" -> "after working hard at school or in the workplace"
Explanation: "After working hard at school or in the workplace" corrects the awkward phrasing and uses more formal vocabulary.
"This memory is the favourite pastimes" -> "This is a favorite pastime"
Explanation: "This is a favorite pastime" corrects the grammatical error and simplifies the phrase for clarity and formality.
"deafening music" -> "loud music"
Explanation: "Loud music" is a more precise and commonly accepted term than "deafening music," which can be seen as overly dramatic.
"loss the hearing or loss the cognitive function" -> "loss of hearing or loss of cognitive function"
Explanation: "Loss of hearing or loss of cognitive function" corrects the grammatical errors and improves the formality of the expression.
"a discourteous attitude such as high volume with light screen" -> "inconsiderate behavior such as playing music at high volumes with bright screens"
Explanation: "Inconsiderate behavior such as playing music at high volumes with bright screens" provides a clearer and more formal description of the issue.
"Individuals are interupted" -> "Individuals are interrupted"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "interupted" to "interrupted."
"affect the academic qualification" -> "affect academic qualifications"
Explanation: "Affect academic qualifications" corrects the grammatical error and pluralizes the noun for accuracy.
"demoted in the working environment" -> "demoted in their careers"
Explanation: "Demoted in their careers" is more specific and appropriate for the context, replacing the vague "working environment."

These changes enhance the formal tone, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the relaxing function of music and its potential drawbacks. The first paragraph discusses the positive aspects of music, such as stress relief and enjoyment in social settings. However, the second paragraph introduces disadvantages, including risks to hearing and disruptions in environments that require focus. While both sides are presented, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent to which they agree or disagree with the prompt. This could be achieved by clearly delineating whether they believe the relaxing function outweighs the drawbacks or vice versa, and providing a more thorough analysis of both sides.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating a belief in both the benefits and drawbacks of music. However, the phrasing "i accept that it is a positive trend" is vague and does not strongly convey the writer’s stance. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates both sides but lacks a definitive position, which can leave the reader uncertain about the writer’s true agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to articulate a more definitive stance in the introduction and maintain that throughout the essay. Using phrases such as "I strongly agree" or "I partially disagree" can help clarify the position. Furthermore, reinforcing this stance in the conclusion will provide a more cohesive argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the relaxing function of music and its drawbacks. For instance, it discusses how music can alleviate stress and the potential health risks associated with loud music. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For example, the mention of music competitions and their benefits could be expanded to include specific examples or studies that support these claims.
- How to improve: To strengthen this area, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. Including statistics, studies, or personal anecdotes can help substantiate claims and make the argument more persuasive. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next will enhance clarity.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the functions of music in relation to relaxation and its potential drawbacks. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of the library and its relevance to music. The connection between loud music and its impact on learning environments is somewhat tangential and could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. It may be beneficial to outline the main ideas before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to answering the question. Additionally, avoiding unrelated examples will help keep the discussion relevant and coherent.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in clarity, depth, and focus will enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of music for relaxation, while the second addresses its drawbacks. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing how music helps people relax to the examples of music competitions feels abrupt and could benefit from clearer linking phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases more effectively. For example, after stating that music helps people relax, you could add a phrase like "Moreover," or "In addition," before introducing the idea of music competitions. This would create a more seamless connection between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the paragraph discussing the drawbacks of music lacks clarity in its structure. The ideas about hearing loss and the impact of loud music in public spaces are somewhat jumbled, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For example, start the second body paragraph with a sentence like, "Despite its benefits, music can also pose certain risks, particularly regarding hearing health." This would help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the one hand," and "On the other hand." However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For instance, "individuals" appears frequently, which can detract from the essay’s overall fluidity.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to avoid repetition. Additionally, incorporating more advanced cohesive devices, such as "consequently," "for instance," or "in contrast," can enhance the essay’s cohesiveness. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "individuals," you could use "people," "listeners," or "audiences" to maintain variety and keep the reader engaged.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, enhancing the logical flow, paragraph structure, and variety of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Phrases like "assist human beings," "promotes a opportunity," and "deafening music" show some variety. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks sophistication. For instance, the phrase "good music" is vague and could be replaced with more descriptive terms.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more specific terms. For example, instead of "good music," they could use "soothing melodies" or "uplifting compositions." Additionally, using phrases like "musical genres" or "harmonious tunes" would enrich the text.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances ofimprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the arguments. For example, "assist human beings have a break" is awkwardly phrased; it would be clearer as "help individuals take a break." The term "a opportunity to lower pressure" is also incorrect; it should be "an opportunity to relieve stress."
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Practicing phrases that are commonly used in academic writing, such as "reduce stress" instead of "lower pressure," will improve precision. Additionally, reviewing common collocations in English can help in choosing the right words.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" instead of "I," "disadvantges" instead of "disadvantages," and "interupted" instead of "interrupted." These mistakes can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("It is firmly thought that the most necessary function of music is to assist human beings have a break.") and compound sentences ("On the one hand, there are several explanations for the fact that listening to music can help people relax and unwind."). However, the range is limited, and many sentences are awkwardly constructed or overly simplistic. For example, "This memory is the favourite pastimes for people to reduce stress…" contains grammatical errors and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied conjunctions. For instance, using relative clauses (e.g., "which can help people relax") and conditional sentences (e.g., "If people listen to music…") would add depth. Practicing combining simple sentences into more complex forms can also improve overall fluency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that impede clarity. For instance, the phrase "assist human beings have a break" should be "assist human beings in having a break." Additionally, the use of "i" instead of "I" is a punctuation error that detracts from the formal tone expected in an IELTS essay. Other issues include incorrect pluralization ("the favourite pastimes" should be "the favorite pastime") and awkward phrasing ("loss the hearing" should be "loss of hearing").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, correct preposition use, and proper capitalization. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation and grammatical errors before submission can help catch mistakes that may otherwise go unnoticed.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly raise the band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that the most important function of music is to aid individuals in taking a break. While I accept that this is a positive trend, I opine that it presents several developmental disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why listening to music can help people relax and unwind. Firstly, music offers an opportunity to lower stress for individuals. For example, music encompasses different rhythms and a wide range of attractive melodies, which can help individuals ease their minds and temporarily forget all the pressures of daily life. Another reason is that people can take advantage of music to organize music competitions or musical performances. For instance, after working hard at school or in the workplace, individuals could go to the cinema or theatre to enjoy good music. This experience is a favorite pastime for many, allowing them to reduce stress and even avoid other medical issues such as heart attacks, strokes, or cancer.

On the other hand, I firmly hold the view that there are also some drawbacks associated with music. One primary concern is the risk to hearing function. If people listen to music at loud volumes or high intensities, it can be detrimental to their hearing. This can lead to loss of hearing or cognitive function. Additionally, loud music can be disruptive in certain environments. For instance, a library is a public space where individuals can reinforce their knowledge and develop themselves to become better versions of themselves. However, some people exhibit inconsiderate behavior, such as playing music at high volumes with bright screens. This issue can severely impact others, as individuals are interrupted while learning or working, which can affect their academic qualifications or lead to being demoted in their careers.

In conclusion, while there are advantages to encouraging people to enjoy music, there are also significant disadvantages that indicate music can have a negative influence on individuals.