Some people think the main purpose of schools is to turn children to good citizens and workers, rather than benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Over the years, the question of the ultimate goal of school has been a perennial topic of debate. Many people hold a belief that education orientation is to guarantee a well-behaved society and an effective workforce for the nation, rather than focusing on individuals' benefits. In my opinion, I partly agree with this notion.
It is undeniable that knowledge imparted from schools establishes a base understanding of various aspects for learners. In many schools, the same educational curriculum and instructional materials are applied, focusing on equipping students with common knowledge and skillsets that would come in handy for their future careers. Moreover, teachers with their prescribed pedagogies, will teach children how to differentiate between right and wrong, instilling morality, discipline and integrity into students, shaping the common perceptions, beliefs and norms of ordinary citizens. As a result, a well-functioning and harmonious community could be ensured.
However, I believe that the schools' role in terms of fostering individual' benefits is of similar importance. The rationale behind this is that schools are where students spend most of their daily time, making them the most suitable for these young learners to explore themselves and unpack their potential. Indeed, the various nature of lessons from formal educational systems including mathematics, physics, chemistry, literature and other art-related subjects offers students opportunities to find out their strengths and weaknesses. Moreover, many teachers use their distinct approach to stimulate and incentivize students to be curious and innovative simultaneously during the lessons, resulting in a sense of self-awareness among students being developed.
In conclusion, the school's emphasis on turning promising future pillars of the nation into actual decent citizens and workers is no doubt crucial. However, the focus on developing distinct talents should never be overlooked.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"Many people hold a belief that education orientation is to guarantee a well-behaved society and an effective workforce for the nation, rather than focusing on individuals’ benefits."
-> "Many individuals believe that the purpose of education is to ensure a well-functioning society and an efficient workforce for the nation, rather than prioritizing individual benefits."
Explanation: Replacing "hold a belief that education orientation" with "believe that the purpose of education" provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea, aligning with a formal tone. Also, rephrasing to "individuals" instead of "people" enhances specificity.
"It is undeniable that knowledge imparted from schools establishes a base understanding of various aspects for learners."
-> "Undoubtedly, the knowledge conveyed in schools forms a foundational understanding of various subjects for students."
Explanation: Simplifying "impacted from schools" to "conveyed in schools" and rephrasing "establishes a base understanding" to "forms a foundational understanding" maintains clarity while refining the language to be more precise and formal.
"Moreover, teachers with their prescribed pedagogies, will teach children how to differentiate between right and wrong, instilling morality, discipline and integrity into students, shaping the common perceptions, beliefs and norms of ordinary citizens."
-> "Additionally, teachers, employing their prescribed pedagogies, instruct children on ethical distinctions, instilling morality, discipline, and integrity, thereby shaping the collective perceptions, beliefs, and norms of typical citizens."
Explanation: The revised version removes redundancy and streamlines the sentence while maintaining the academic tone. Also, using "instruct" instead of "teach" and "employing" instead of "with their prescribed" improves the formality of the language.
"However, I believe that the schools’ role in terms of fostering individual’ benefits is of similar importance."
-> "Nevertheless, I contend that schools play an equally significant role in fostering individual benefits."
Explanation: Replacing "in terms of" with "in fostering" and using "contend" instead of "believe" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence structure.
"Moreover, many teachers use their distinct approach to stimulate and incentivize students to be curious and innovative simultaneously during the lessons, resulting in a sense of self-awareness among students being developed."
-> "Furthermore, numerous teachers employ distinct approaches to stimulate and incentivize students to be curious and innovative simultaneously during lessons, thereby fostering the development of students’ self-awareness."
Explanation: Replacing "use their distinct approach" with "employ distinct approaches" and restructuring the sentence for clarity improves the academic tone while retaining the natural flow of language.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "In my opinion, I partly agree with this notion."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction is clear in expressing your stance; however, it would benefit from a more detailed thesis statement outlining the specific points you will discuss. This would provide a roadmap for the reader and contribute to a more organized structure.
- Improved example: "In my opinion, while I acknowledge the role of schools in shaping societal values and preparing a competent workforce, I also believe in the importance of schools nurturing individual talents and self-discovery. This essay will delve into both aspects to present a comprehensive view."
Quoted text: "Moreover, teachers with their prescribed pedagogies, will teach children how to differentiate between right and wrong, instilling morality, discipline and integrity into students, shaping the common perceptions, beliefs and norms of ordinary citizens."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This paragraph effectively highlights the societal role of schools, but it lacks specific examples or anecdotes to support the ideas. Adding real-life examples or personal experiences would strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
- Improved example: "Moreover, teachers, through their prescribed pedagogies, play a crucial role in teaching children ethical values. For instance, a study showed that schools incorporating character education programs witnessed a significant improvement in students’ moral development. This illustrates how specific teaching methods contribute to shaping the moral compass of students."
Quoted text: "However, I believe that the schools’ role in terms of fostering individual’ benefits is of similar importance."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This transition could be smoother. It’s essential to explicitly connect your previous point about societal benefits to the upcoming discussion on individual benefits. This will ensure a logical flow and coherence in your essay.
- Improved example: "However, it’s crucial to recognize that while societal benefits are significant, schools also play a pivotal role in fostering individual development. Now, let’s explore how schools serve as platforms for students to discover and nurture their unique talents."
Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a balanced view. However, enhancing the thesis statement, incorporating specific examples, and ensuring a smoother transition between points will contribute to a more cohesive and persuasive essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s partial agreement. The body paragraphs maintain coherence by discussing different aspects of the issue, from imparting common knowledge to fostering individual benefits. Each paragraph has a clear central topic, contributing to the overall progression of the essay. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, although there are instances where some connections could be strengthened. The essay effectively balances the arguments for societal benefits and individual growth.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider strengthening the transition sentences between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph is tightly linked to the preceding and following ones. Additionally, pay attention to the use of cohesive devices, striving for a more seamless integration throughout the essay. Avoid minor lapses in cohesion to achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. The writer effectively employs less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. Occasional errors in word choice and word formation do occur, but they do not significantly impede communication. For instance, phrases like "the various nature of lessons" could be refined for clarity. Despite some minor inaccuracies, the vocabulary usage is generally sophisticated, contributing to a coherent and well-developed argument.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim for greater precision and accuracy in word choice and collocation. Proofreading for minor errors in spelling and word formation will contribute to a more polished and refined use of language. Additionally, the writer can explore even more varied and nuanced vocabulary to further elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, including compound and complex sentences. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to good control of grammar and punctuation. There are, however, a few minor errors present, such as "instilling morality, discipline and integrity into students" where a comma after "discipline" would enhance clarity. Despite these occasional errors, the overall grammatical range and accuracy are commendable.
How to improve: To elevate the score, pay extra attention to punctuation, ensuring correct usage in complex sentences. Additionally, proofread to catch minor errors, enhancing the essay’s overall fluency and precision.
Bài sửa mẫu
The purpose of schools has long been a subject of ongoing debate. Some argue that the primary aim of education is to mold well-behaved citizens and competent workers, rather than focusing on individual benefits. In my view, I partially agree with this perspective.
Undoubtedly, schools play a pivotal role in laying the foundation for a shared understanding among learners. Many schools follow a standardized curriculum, providing students with essential knowledge and skills relevant to their future careers. Additionally, teachers, through their teaching methods, instill values such as morality, discipline, and integrity, shaping the collective perceptions and norms of society. This collective effort contributes to the creation of a well-functioning and harmonious community.
Nevertheless, I contend that schools also hold a crucial role in promoting individual development. Considering that students spend a significant portion of their daily lives in school, it becomes an ideal environment for young learners to discover themselves and unleash their potential. The diverse array of subjects, including mathematics, physics, chemistry, literature, and the arts, allows students to identify their strengths and weaknesses. Furthermore, teachers, with their unique approaches, encourage curiosity and innovation during lessons, fostering a sense of self-awareness among students.
In conclusion, while it is undeniable that schools play a crucial role in shaping responsible citizens and competent workers, the significance of nurturing individual talents should not be underestimated. Striking a balance between these two aspects ensures a comprehensive and effective educational system.