Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

You should write at least 250 words.

I agree that students who is uder 18 years old should have full time education. Obtaining a degree is a long, difficult, and sometimes overwhelming journey. But I deem that gaining a higher education diploma is a significant part of life, which will influence your future.

Firstly, while you are young, you have less responsibilities and therefore more free time, which you can spend on your studies. The older a person become, the more responsibilities he has ( like family, paying for utility bills, job, etc.). So, it is easier to find time for studying while your'e still young.

Furthermore, it is a common knowledge that it's easier for the young people to study and memorize a new information. The neuroplasticity, which responds for memorizing and understanding new facts, stagnates over the time. This means that the older a person become, the more effort has to be put in education to gain the same results as in his youth.

In overall, I agree that young students should be in full time education. It might be hard and exhausting to have a full time education, but it's worth the results that you will achieve. Every young person should be serious about their education, as it will open a lot of career opportunities in fron of them.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "students who is uder 18 years old" -> "students under 18 years old"
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling error "uder" to "under" and removing the unnecessary article "who" before "is" improves grammatical accuracy and simplifies the phrase.

2. "full time education" -> "full-time education"
   Explanation: Adding the hyphen in "full-time" corrects the compound adjective form, which is necessary for adjectives modifying nouns in this context.

3. "But I deem that" -> "However, I believe that"
   Explanation: Replacing "But" with "However," and "deem" with "believe" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement, aligning it with academic writing standards.

4. "a significant part of life" -> "a significant aspect of life"
   Explanation: Replacing "part" with "aspect" provides a more precise and formal term that better fits the context of discussing the importance of education.

5. "you have less responsibilities" -> "you have fewer responsibilities"
   Explanation: Correcting "less" to "fewer" is necessary when referring to countable nouns like "responsibilities," as "fewer" is the correct form for countable nouns.

6. "like family, paying for utility bills, job, etc." -> "such as family, utility bills, and employment"
   Explanation: Replacing "like" with "such as" and "job" with "employment" improves the formality and specificity of the examples provided.

7. "you’re" -> "you are"
   Explanation: Replacing the contraction "you’re" with the full form "you are" adheres to the formal tone required in academic writing.

8. "it’s easier for the young people to study and memorize a new information" -> "it is easier for young people to study and memorize new information"
   Explanation: Correcting "it’s" to "it is" and "a new information" to "new information" fixes grammatical errors and enhances the formal tone.

9. "The neuroplasticity, which responds for memorizing and understanding new facts" -> "Neuroplasticity, which facilitates memorization and understanding of new facts"
   Explanation: Changing "responds for" to "facilitates" and "new facts" to "new facts" (removing the definite article) corrects the verb and noun usage, enhancing the precision and formality of the statement.

10. "the older a person become" -> "the older a person becomes"
    Explanation: Correcting "become" to "becomes" agrees with the singular subject "a person," improving grammatical accuracy.

11. "In overall" -> "In general"
    Explanation: Replacing "In overall" with "In general" corrects the idiomatic expression, which is not typically used in formal academic writing.

12. "it’s worth the results that you will achieve" -> "it is worthwhile to achieve these results"
    Explanation: Changing "it’s" to "it is" and rephrasing to "it is worthwhile to achieve these results" improves the sentence structure and formality, making it more suitable for academic discourse.

13. "Every young person should be serious about their education" -> "All young individuals should prioritize their education"
    Explanation: Replacing "Every" with "All" and "serious about" with "prioritize" refines the language to be more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by expressing agreement with the idea that young people should have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. However, it does not sufficiently explore the extent of this agreement, which is a critical aspect of the task. The response lacks a nuanced discussion of potential counterarguments or alternative views, which could demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly address the extent of their agreement or disagreement. This could involve discussing situations where full-time education may not be necessary or beneficial, or acknowledging the perspectives of those who might disagree with the statement. Including a balanced view would strengthen the argument and fulfill the task requirements more effectively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that supports full-time education for young people. However, the clarity of this position is somewhat undermined by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "students who is uder 18 years old" and "the older a person become." These errors distract from the main argument and may confuse the reader about the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to ensure that their position is communicated clearly. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion and ensuring that all points made throughout the essay consistently support this position would help maintain clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas in support of full-time education, such as the notion that young people have fewer responsibilities and that they are better at memorizing information. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, the claim about neuroplasticity could be backed by research or studies to lend credibility to the argument.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on their points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. For instance, discussing specific benefits of education or citing statistics about educational outcomes could provide a stronger foundation for the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked to the central thesis will enhance coherence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the importance of full-time education for young people. However, there are moments where the argument could be more focused. For example, the mention of responsibilities could be more directly tied to the benefits of education rather than presented as a standalone point.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports the central argument regarding full-time education. Avoiding tangential discussions and instead linking all ideas back to the main thesis will help keep the essay relevant and cohesive.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim to fully address all parts of the prompt, clarify their position, develop and support their ideas with evidence, and maintain a strong focus on the topic throughout the essay. Additionally, attention to grammatical accuracy and coherence will significantly enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, supporting the argument that young people should have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. The ideas are generally organized in a logical sequence, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the responsibilities of youth to the benefits of neuroplasticity lacks a clear linking sentence that ties these concepts together.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, after discussing responsibilities, a sentence like "This increased responsibility can hinder educational pursuits, making early education even more crucial" would create a clearer link to the next point about neuroplasticity.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the main idea, while the subsequent paragraphs elaborate on supporting points. However, the conclusion could be more distinct and impactful, as it currently feels somewhat repetitive of the main arguments rather than summarizing them effectively.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key points succinctly and restating the thesis in a more compelling manner. For example, instead of reiterating that young people should be serious about their education, emphasize the long-term benefits of this education for their future careers.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly" and "Furthermore," to introduce points. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "in overall" is not standard English; "overall" or "in conclusion" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases such as "Moreover," "In addition," and "On the other hand" to contrast ideas. Additionally, ensure that all phrases are grammatically correct and appropriate for formal writing. For instance, instead of "the older a person become," use "the older a person becomes" to maintain grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, attention to transitional phrases, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "overwhelming journey," "neuroplasticity," and "career opportunities." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "young people" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "young people," alternatives like "youth," "adolescents," or "students" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "full-time education" could be varied with "formal education" or "structured learning" to avoid redundancy.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the neuroplasticity, which responds for memorizing" is incorrect; it should be "which is responsible for memorization." Similarly, "a higher education diploma" could be more accurately stated as "a higher education qualification" or "a university degree."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on understanding the meanings of words and their correct usage in context. Reading academic texts or articles can help in this regard, as it exposes the writer to more precise language. Additionally, consulting a thesaurus can assist in finding the right word for the intended meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "uder" instead of "under," "your’e" instead of "you’re," and "in fron of" instead of "in front of." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools can also be beneficial, but it is essential to manually check for context-specific errors that automated tools might miss. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help reinforce correct spelling.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For example, the author uses a compound sentence in "The older a person become, the more responsibilities he has (like family, paying for utility bills, job, etc.)." However, the range is limited, and there are instances of repetitive structures, such as "the older a person become" and "the more effort has to be put in education." The use of more complex structures is minimal, which restricts the overall effectiveness of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying, "It might be hard and exhausting to have a full time education," the writer could say, "Although having a full-time education might be hard and exhausting, it ultimately leads to significant career opportunities." This not only adds variety but also enhances the clarity and sophistication of the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, "students who is uder 18 years old" should be "students who are under 18 years old," indicating subject-verb agreement issues. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in "the older a person become, the more responsibilities he has," which should read "the older a person becomes, the more responsibilities he has." The phrase "it’s easier for the young people to study" should omit "the," making it "it’s easier for young people to study." Such errors detract from the overall readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs are correctly conjugated. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. Furthermore, the writer should review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, it suffers from limited grammatical range and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

I agree that students under 18 years old should be required to have full-time education. Obtaining a degree is a long, difficult, and sometimes overwhelming journey. However, I believe that gaining a higher education diploma is a significant aspect of life, which will influence your future.

Firstly, while you are young, you have fewer responsibilities and therefore more free time, which you can dedicate to your studies. The older a person becomes, the more responsibilities they have, such as family, utility bills, and employment. Consequently, it is easier to find time for studying while you are still young.

Furthermore, it is common knowledge that it is easier for young people to study and memorize new information. Neuroplasticity, which facilitates memorization and understanding of new facts, diminishes over time. This means that the older a person becomes, the more effort must be put into education to achieve the same results as in their youth.

In general, I agree that young students should be in full-time education. It might be hard and exhausting to maintain full-time education, but it is worthwhile to achieve these results. All young individuals should prioritize their education, as it will open many career opportunities in front of them.