Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations. Discuss both those views and give your own opinion.

Some people work for the same organization all their working life.
Others think that it is better to work for different organizations.

Discuss both those views and give your own opinion.

It would be argued by some that individuals should build a career in the same workplace throughout their life. In my opinion, however, they prefer working for various companies to get further knowledge.

On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why some believe that employees stick to the same organization for a long period of time. The first reason is they find it easier to get a promotion due to their reputation in the company. Employer really pays more benefit for a long-serving labor since he adapted to its culture and working style. In Vietnam, all staff receive a 10% increase when compared to the current salary every half or once a year. Another reason is they can build better relationships with colleagues. The partners have a deep impression of them and help them make their work become convenient and complete faster.

On the other hand, I would argue that gaining experience by participating in several places feels like giving them a better opportunity. Their contribution in several former firms is able to have the higher wages from a new manager. They have confidence that is the wise strategy to improve living standards. According to my perception, a group of people who change jobs will receive about 1.5 to 2 times the salary of the previous workplace. Moreover, changing the place of work avoids mental and physical effects due to conflicts between people before. In addition, in the era where the candidate requires a variety of skills to find his occupation, someone who has expertise in multiple aspects through participating in numerous related projects or tasks will be more likely to have a job offer.

In conclusion, although individuals think that they prefer to develop their own personal advancement roadmap in only one office, I personally believe that exposure to many types of businesses motivates them to have a successful career.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "It would be argued by some" -> "Some argue"
   Explanation: Simplifying the phrase "It would be argued by some" to "Some argue" removes unnecessary passive construction, making the sentence more direct and concise.

2. "to get further knowledge" -> "to gain additional knowledge"
   Explanation: Replacing "further knowledge" with "additional knowledge" maintains clarity while using a more formal and precise term.

3. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly" or "One perspective is"
   Explanation: "On the one hand" is a bit informal for academic writing. Using "Firstly" or "One perspective is" provides a more structured and formal introduction to the first argument.

4. "The first reason is they find it easier to get a promotion due to their reputation in the company." -> "Firstly, they find it easier to get promoted due to their established reputation within the company."
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality by specifying "Firstly" to introduce the first reason and using "established reputation" instead of just "reputation" enhances precision.

5. "Employer really pays more benefit for a long-serving labor since he adapted to its culture and working style." -> "Employers often provide additional benefits to long-serving employees due to their adaptation to the company’s culture and working style."
   Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by replacing "really pays more benefit" with "often provide additional benefits" and refining the sentence structure for better flow.

6. "Another reason is they can build better relationships with colleagues." -> "Another reason is the ability to foster stronger relationships with colleagues."
   Explanation: Using "the ability to foster stronger relationships" instead of "they can build better relationships" improves formality and precision.

7. "The partners have a deep impression of them and help them make their work become convenient and complete faster." -> "Their colleagues hold them in high regard and assist in streamlining their workflow."
   Explanation: Replacing "The partners have a deep impression of them" with "Their colleagues hold them in high regard" and refining the latter part of the sentence improves formality and clarity.

8. "On the other hand, I would argue that gaining experience by participating in several places feels like giving them a better opportunity." -> "Conversely, I would argue that gaining experience through exposure to various workplaces offers better opportunities."
   Explanation: "On the other hand" is replaced with "Conversely" for formal clarity, and restructuring the sentence enhances coherence and precision.

9. "Their contribution in several former firms is able to have the higher wages from a new manager." -> "Their experience across multiple previous positions often translates into higher wages offered by new employers."
   Explanation: Rephrasing for clarity and precision, avoiding awkward phrasing like "is able to have," and replacing "former firms" with "previous positions" for conciseness and accuracy.

10. "They have confidence that is the wise strategy to improve living standards." -> "They are confident that this is a strategic approach to enhancing their standard of living."
    Explanation: Improving clarity and formality by rephrasing "They have confidence that is the wise strategy" to "They are confident that this is a strategic approach."

11. "According to my perception" -> "In my view" or "From my perspective"
    Explanation: "According to my perception" is a bit informal. Replacing it with "In my view" or "From my perspective" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.

12. "a group of people who change jobs will receive about 1.5 to 2 times the salary of the previous workplace." -> "Individuals who change jobs often receive salaries approximately 1.5 to 2 times higher than their previous position."
    Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by specifying "Individuals" and rephrasing for precision.

13. "changing the place of work avoids mental and physical effects due to conflicts between people before." -> "Switching workplaces helps mitigate the mental and physical effects resulting from previous interpersonal conflicts."
    Explanation: Refining the phrasing for clarity and formality, specifying "Switching workplaces" and rephrasing the latter part of the sentence.

14. "In addition, in the era where the candidate requires a variety of skills to find his occupation" -> "Moreover, in an era where candidates need a diverse skill set to pursue their chosen careers"
    Explanation: Improving clarity and formality by specifying "Moreover" and rephrasing for precision and gender neutrality.

15. "someone who has expertise in multiple aspects through participating in numerous related projects or tasks will be more likely to have a job offer." -> "Individuals with expertise in multiple areas gained from involvement in various related projects or tasks are more likely to receive job offers."
    Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by specifying "Individuals" and refining the phrasing for precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives outlined in the prompt. It discusses the viewpoint of individuals advocating for staying in the same organization and contrasts it with the perspective favoring working for different organizations. The writer also provides their own opinion on the matter.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect further, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into each perspective, providing more nuanced insights and perhaps incorporating additional examples or counterarguments to strengthen the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, expressing a preference for working for different organizations to gain diverse experiences and knowledge. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph consistently supports the chosen position, avoiding any ambiguity or contradictory statements. Additionally, reinforcing the position with more specific examples or logical reasoning can enhance the clarity of the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing examples and explanations to support the arguments presented. For instance, it discusses the benefits of staying in the same organization, such as easier promotion and better relationships with colleagues, as well as the advantages of working for different companies, such as gaining diverse experiences and higher wages.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas further, consider providing more in-depth analysis and elaboration on each point. This could involve exploring the potential drawbacks or limitations of each perspective and offering more detailed evidence or real-world examples to bolster the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of working for the same organization versus different organizations as outlined in the prompt. However, there are minor instances where the discussion veers slightly off track, such as when discussing salary increases in Vietnam.
  • How to improve: To ensure better adherence to the topic, maintain a tighter focus on the specific arguments related to the prompt. Avoid introducing tangential points or examples that do not directly contribute to the main discussion. Instead, concentrate on thoroughly exploring the merits of each perspective in relation to the given topic.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the key elements of the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of expression, and adherence to the topic. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could further enhance its coherence and persuasiveness, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are areas where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach within paragraphs, ensuring that each idea is developed coherently and transitions smoothly to the next. Additionally, the progression of ideas could be strengthened to enhance overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider creating a stronger topic sentence for each paragraph that clearly introduces the main idea. Ensure that each supporting point within the paragraph relates directly to the topic sentence, providing sufficient explanation and examples. Use transition words and phrases effectively to guide the reader through the essay’s arguments and maintain coherence throughout.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, but there are areas where paragraph structure and coherence could be improved. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, but some paragraphs in the essay contain multiple ideas without clear transitions between them. This can make the essay feel disjointed and less coherent.
  • How to improve: Focus on maintaining unity within each paragraph by sticking to one main idea per paragraph. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to create a seamless flow of ideas throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transition words like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, the variety and effectiveness of these cohesive devices could be improved to enhance coherence further. Additionally, some transitions between ideas feel abrupt or forced, impacting the overall flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, including conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases. Ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical, allowing the reader to follow the progression of arguments easily. Practice integrating cohesive devices naturally into sentences to create a more cohesive and coherent essay overall.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There are attempts to use varied vocabulary throughout the essay, such as "individuals," "promotion," "reputation," "benefit," "colleagues," "impression," "opportunity," "contribution," "wages," "strategy," "perception," "avoid," "conflicts," "expertise," "advancement," and "exposure." However, some terms are used repetitively (e.g., "advancement," "wages," "job," "people"). The use of these terms indicates a fairly good range but lacks consistent variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, explore synonyms and related terms for frequently used words. For instance, replace "advancement" with words like "progression," "development," or "career growth." Engage with a thesaurus to identify more nuanced vocabulary choices that align with the context.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage. For instance, terms like "reputation," "contribution," and "expertise" are used appropriately. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, "personal advancement roadmap" could be replaced with a more concise and specific term like "career trajectory."
  • How to improve: Focus on using terminology that accurately conveys intended meanings. Use specific terms that align closely with the context of the discussion. This can involve refining vocabulary choices through precise word selection.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, but there are noticeable errors. For instance, "it is better to work for different organizations" should be "it is better to work for different organizations." Similarly, "employer really pays more benefit" should be "employers really pay more benefits." These errors slightly detract from the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: Improve spelling accuracy by proofreading carefully. Utilize spell-check tools and practice actively reviewing and correcting written work. Reading more frequently can also enhance familiarity with correct spelling patterns.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Spelling accuracy is generally good but could benefit from more attention to detail. By expanding vocabulary range, refining precision, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the essay can further elevate its lexical resource to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There’s evidence of clauses, conjunctions, and transitions used effectively to convey ideas. For instance, there are complex sentences like "Moreover, changing the place of work avoids mental and physical effects due to conflicts between people before," which showcase the ability to construct more intricate ideas.
  • How to improve: While the essay already employs diverse structures, further enriching it with advanced sentence types, such as conditional sentences or inverted sentences, could elevate the sophistication of the writing. Introducing rhetorical devices like parallelism or varied sentence beginnings could enhance coherence and engagement.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates proficient grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and article usage could be improved. For example, "their reputation in the company" could be revised to "their reputation within the company" for clarity. Additionally, some sentences could benefit from smoother transitions or clearer connections between ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, consistently proofreading for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and proper pronoun referencing would be beneficial. Focusing on sentence structure variety could also help in creating more fluid transitions between ideas. Consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring each point is effectively supported and logically connected to the thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy, with room for further refinement in terms of sentence variety and precision in grammar and punctuation usage. Continued practice and attention to detail will contribute to further improvement in these areas.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that it’s beneficial for individuals to spend their entire career in one organization. However, I believe that gaining additional knowledge by working for different companies is preferable.

Firstly, some argue for staying in the same workplace for an extended period. Firstly, they find it easier to get promoted due to their established reputation within the company. Employers often provide additional benefits to long-serving employees due to their adaptation to the company’s culture and working style. Another reason is the ability to foster stronger relationships with colleagues. Their colleagues hold them in high regard and assist in streamlining their workflow.

Conversely, I would argue that gaining experience through exposure to various workplaces offers better opportunities. Their experience across multiple previous positions often translates into higher wages offered by new employers. They are confident that this is a strategic approach to enhancing their standard of living. In my view, individuals who change jobs often receive salaries approximately 1.5 to 2 times higher than their previous position. Switching workplaces helps mitigate the mental and physical effects resulting from previous interpersonal conflicts.

Moreover, in an era where candidates need a diverse skill set to pursue their chosen careers, individuals with expertise in multiple areas gained from involvement in various related projects or tasks are more likely to receive job offers.

In conclusion, while some individuals prefer to build their career within a single organization, I believe that exposure to various businesses motivates individuals to pursue a successful career path.