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Some students choose to work or to travel for a period of time between leaving school and going to university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some students choose to work or to travel for a period of time between leaving school and going to university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In contemporary times, an increasing number of students opt to take a gap year, often choosing to embark on this break after completing high school. There are students that prefer to work, whereas others, on the opposite, prefer to travel. From my point of view, I believe that both of the experiences are beneficial, and each of them will bring different outcomes.

The first group comprises students who opt to dedicate their gap year to internships or full-time employment prior to commencing their undergraduate studies. There are several reasons why they decide to have working experience. Firstly, it will increase someone’s chance to be accepted from a good university, and this is because admission officers admire teenagers that are eager to gain more practical experience. Secondly, sometimes big enterprises offer scholarships and jobs after graduating from university. For example, most of these scholarships go to outstanding students, and by being an intern in that firm, someone might get that scholarship.

The second category encompasses students who view their gap year as an opportunity for cultural immersion, exploring new countries, or maybe to learn yoga. This particular group seeks novel experiences, and by doing that they discover themselves. Many parents report that young adults become more mature, well-rounded, and open-minded after spending their gap year traveling. It is noteworthy that despite the potential risks associated with travel to certain regions in Africa or South America, numerous students undertake such journeys for volunteer reasons. Moreover, various undergraduate programs in the US prioritize students who have diverse backgrounds and experience.

To conclude, the choice of whether to embrace a gap year remains a matter of personal preference. In my opinion, I am inclined to believe that each avenue, whether marked by professional engagement or global exploration, holds the potential to profoundly influence and enrich these students’ lives.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "opt to take a gap year" -> "choose to take a gap year"
    Explanation: "Opt" is somewhat informal; replacing it with "choose" maintains the formality of the statement without sacrificing clarity.

  2. "break after completing high school" -> "break after graduating from high school"
    Explanation: Using "graduating from" instead of "completing" adds precision to the description, aligning with academic language standards.

  3. "there are students that prefer" -> "some students prefer"
    Explanation: "There are students that" is less concise; "some students prefer" is a more direct and formal way to express the same idea.

  4. "From my point of view, I believe" -> "In my opinion, I contend"
    Explanation: "From my point of view, I believe" is redundant; replacing it with "In my opinion, I contend" maintains formality and eliminates unnecessary repetition.

  5. "someone’s chance to be accepted" -> "an individual’s likelihood of acceptance"
    Explanation: Replacing "someone’s chance to be accepted" with "an individual’s likelihood of acceptance" enhances formality and specificity.

  6. "admission officers admire teenagers" -> "admission officers value prospective students"
    Explanation: "Admire teenagers" is somewhat informal; using "value prospective students" maintains a more formal tone.

  7. "big enterprises" -> "major corporations"
    Explanation: "Big enterprises" is a bit informal; using "major corporations" provides a more formal and precise description.

  8. "someone might get that scholarship" -> "an individual may secure that scholarship"
    Explanation: Replacing "someone might get" with "an individual may secure" adds formality and clarity to the sentence.

  9. "encompasses students who" -> "includes students who"
    Explanation: "Encompasses" is a bit formal; using "includes" maintains formality while providing a clearer transition.

  10. "cultural immersion, exploring new countries, or maybe to learn yoga" -> "cultural immersion, exploration of new countries, or even pursuit of activities like yoga"
    Explanation: The original phrase is a bit informal; the suggested alternative maintains formality and adds precision to the list of activities.

  11. "they discover themselves" -> "they develop a deeper understanding of themselves"
    Explanation: "Discover themselves" is somewhat informal; using "develop a deeper understanding of themselves" adds depth and formality to the statement.

  12. "Many parents report" -> "Numerous parents observe"
    Explanation: "Many parents report" is slightly informal; using "Numerous parents observe" maintains formality and precision.

  13. "young adults become more mature, well-rounded, and open-minded" -> "young adults mature into well-rounded and open-minded individuals"
    Explanation: Simplifying and rephrasing the statement enhances formality and clarity.

  14. "despite the potential risks associated with travel to certain regions in Africa or South America" -> "although there are potential risks associated with traveling to specific regions in Africa or South America"
    Explanation: Adding "although" and rephrasing the sentence improves formality and clarifies the contrast.

  15. "volunteer reasons" -> "volunteer purposes"
    Explanation: "Volunteer reasons" is a bit informal; using "volunteer purposes" maintains formality and precision.

  16. "undergraduate programs in the US" -> "undergraduate programs in the United States"
    Explanation: Using "the United States" instead of "the US" adheres to a more formal style.

  17. "holds the potential to profoundly influence" -> "has the potential to significantly impact"
    Explanation: Replacing "holds the potential to profoundly influence" with "has the potential to significantly impact" maintains formality and provides a more precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the question, presenting arguments for both working and traveling during a gap year. It acknowledges the benefits of each choice and provides a well-rounded perspective.

    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider offering more specific examples or scenarios related to the benefits of working and traveling. This would further strengthen the depth of your analysis.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance by expressing the belief that both working and traveling are beneficial. This position is consistently supported throughout the essay.

    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state your position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This will ensure that the reader is clear about your standpoint from the outset.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and supports them with examples, such as increased chances of university acceptance through working and the personal growth achieved through traveling. However, some ideas could be extended further for a more in-depth analysis.

    • How to improve: Elaborate on specific instances or provide additional examples to strengthen your arguments. This will add depth to your analysis and demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, discussing the advantages of working and traveling during a gap year. However, there is a brief mention of potential risks associated with travel, which slightly deviates from the main focus.

    • How to improve: Ensure that all points directly relate to the main topic. If mentioning potential risks, tie them back to the overall comparison of working and traveling to maintain relevance.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a balanced view on the benefits of working and traveling during a gap year. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, explicitly stating your position, extending ideas for a deeper analysis, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and provides the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a clear structure, with one paragraph discussing students who choose to work and another addressing those who prefer to travel. The concluding paragraph appropriately summarizes the main points. However, there are moments where the logical flow could be enhanced. For instance, the transition between the two categories of students is somewhat abrupt, and a smoother transition sentence could improve coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider adding a transitional sentence between the discussion of students who work and those who travel to create a more seamless transition. This could involve briefly summarizing the main point of the first category and introducing the second category.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, and the overall structure is clear. However, the second paragraph is quite lengthy, addressing various reasons why students choose to work. Breaking it down into smaller, more focused paragraphs could enhance readability and organization.
    • How to improve: Divide the second paragraph into smaller paragraphs, each addressing a specific reason why students choose to work. This will make the information more digestible for the reader and improve the overall flow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. For example, the use of words like "firstly" and "secondly" aids in signaling the sequence of ideas. However, there is room to diversify the use of cohesive devices further. Introducing a variety of transitional words and phrases can contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated essay.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transitional words (e.g., "moreover," "furthermore," "in addition") to add variety and depth to the essay’s cohesion. Additionally, ensure that the placement of these devices enhances the overall flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, addressing these specific points of improvement could elevate the organization and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions throughout the essay, contributing to a sense of fluency and coherence. For instance, the essay employs diverse terms such as "contemporary times," "undergraduate studies," "cultural immersion," and "well-rounded."
    • How to improve: While the range is decent, further diversity can be achieved by incorporating more specific and nuanced vocabulary. Instead of frequently reusing certain words (e.g., "students" and "experience"), consider synonyms or contextually relevant alternatives to enhance lexical variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally satisfactory, but there are instances where words could be chosen more precisely. For example, in the sentence "For example, most of these scholarships go to outstanding students," the term "outstanding" is somewhat vague. A more precise term like "exceptional" or "high-achieving" would add clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meaning of words in context. Choose words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus to explore nuanced alternatives and select the most fitting terms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of spelling accuracy. There are no glaring spelling errors that significantly detract from the overall quality of the writing. The majority of words are spelled correctly, contributing to the professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To maintain this high standard, continue to proofread meticulously. Consider using spell-check tools and, if possible, seek feedback from peers or educators to catch any potential spelling errors that might be overlooked. Consistency in accuracy is key to sustaining a polished piece.

In summary, the essay displays a solid lexical resource with a satisfactory range of vocabulary and generally precise word choices. To elevate the lexical richness further, strive for more variety in expressions. Additionally, maintain the current high standard of spelling accuracy through thorough proofreading and potential external review.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences, compound sentences, and concise phrases effectively. For instance, the author skillfully employs complex sentences when explaining the benefits of working experience, enhancing the overall coherence and depth of the argument.
    • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating rhetorical devices like parallelism or varying sentence lengths. This can add sophistication and nuance to the essay’s expression.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. The use of verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and pronoun reference is generally correct. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as in the phrase "someone’s chance to be accepted from a good university," where the preposition "from" should be replaced with "by."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to prepositions and their usage. Proofreading for such minor errors can contribute to a flawless expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate throughout the essay. However, there are a couple of instances where a more precise application of punctuation could enhance clarity. For example, the sentence "There are students that prefer to work, whereas others, on the opposite, prefer to travel" could benefit from rephrasing to avoid potential confusion.
    • How to improve: Refine the use of punctuation marks such as commas and ensure they are employed consistently for clarity. In this case, rephrasing for better flow would eliminate potential ambiguity.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, earning it a Band Score of 7. To elevate the score, continue diversifying sentence structures, pay careful attention to minor grammatical details, and refine punctuation for optimal clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, an increasing number of students choose to take a gap year, often opting for this break after graduating from high school. Some students choose to work, while others prefer to travel. From my perspective, I contend that both experiences are valuable, and each can lead to different outcomes.

The first group consists of students who decide to dedicate their gap year to internships or full-time employment before starting their undergraduate studies. There are several reasons why they choose to gain work experience. Firstly, it enhances an individual’s likelihood of acceptance into a good university, as admission officers value prospective students who are eager to acquire practical experience. Secondly, large corporations sometimes offer scholarships and job opportunities to graduates. For instance, outstanding students who intern at such firms may have the chance to secure scholarships.

The second category includes students who see their gap year as an opportunity for cultural immersion, exploration of new countries, or even the pursuit of activities like yoga. This group seeks novel experiences, aiming to discover more about themselves. Many parents observe that young adults mature into well-rounded and open-minded individuals after spending their gap year traveling. It is noteworthy that, despite potential risks associated with traveling to specific regions in Africa or South America, some students undertake such journeys for volunteer purposes. Furthermore, various undergraduate programs in the United States prioritize students with diverse backgrounds and experiences.

In conclusion, the decision to embrace a gap year remains a matter of personal preference. In my opinion, I contend that both paths, whether marked by professional engagement or global exploration, have the potential to significantly impact and enrich the lives of these students.

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