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Some students choose to work or to travel for a period of time between leaving school and going to university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some students choose to work or to travel for a period of time between leaving school and going to university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In contemporary times, an increasing number of students choose to take a gap year, often choosing to embark on this break after completing high school. Some students choose to work, while others prefer to travel. From my perspective, I believe that both experiences are valuable, and each can lead to different outcomes.

The first group consists of students who decide to dedicate their gap year to internships or full-time employment before starting their undergraduate studies. There are several reasons why they choose to gain work experience. Firstly, it enhances an individual's likelihood of acceptance into a good university, as admission officers value prospective students who are eager to acquire practical experience. Secondly, large corporations sometimes offer scholarships and job opportunities to graduates. For instance, outstanding students who intern at such firms may have the chance to secure scholarships.

The second category includes students who see their gap year as an opportunity for cultural immersion, exploration of new countries, or even the pursuit of activities like yoga. This group seeks novel experiences, aiming to discover more about themselves. Many parents observe that young adults mature into well-rounded and open-minded individuals after spending their gap year traveling. It is noteworthy that, despite potential risks associated with traveling to specific regions in Africa or South America, some students undertake such journeys for volunteer purposes. Furthermore, various undergraduate programs in the United States prioritize students with diverse backgrounds and experiences.

In conclusion, the decision to embrace a gap year remains a matter of personal preference. In my opinion, I contend that both paths, whether marked by professional engagement or global exploration, have the potential to significantly impact and enrich the lives of these students.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Contemporary times" -> "Present-day era"
    Explanation: "Contemporary times" is a bit informal for academic writing. Replacing it with "present-day era" maintains the meaning while sounding more formal and suitable for an academic context.

  2. "embark on this break" -> "undertake this hiatus"
    Explanation: "Embark on this break" is a casual phrase. Using "undertake this hiatus" adds a more formal tone to the sentence, fitting better with academic writing expectations.

  3. "From my perspective" -> Omit
    Explanation: Academic essays typically aim for objectivity, so personal perspectives like "from my perspective" are usually avoided. Removing this phrase strengthens the author’s argument and maintains a more formal tone.

  4. "I believe that" -> Omit
    Explanation: Similar to the previous point, statements such as "I believe that" add subjectivity and are often unnecessary in academic writing. Eliminating this phrase makes the argument more assertive and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "consists of" -> "comprises"
    Explanation: "Consists of" is less formal than "comprises" in academic writing. "Comprises" is a more precise and sophisticated term suitable for this context.

  6. "young adults" -> "adolescents" or "youth"
    Explanation: While "young adults" is not entirely inappropriate, using "adolescents" or "youth" might offer a more precise and academically appropriate term, depending on the context intended by the author.

  7. "observe" -> "note" or "recognize"
    Explanation: "Observe" is slightly informal in this context. Substituting it with "note" or "recognize" maintains formality in the language while conveying the same meaning.

  8. "It is noteworthy that" -> "Notably"
    Explanation: "It is noteworthy that" is wordy and less formal. Using "Notably" makes the transition smoother and maintains a more academic tone.

  9. "despite potential risks associated with" -> "although there are potential risks linked to"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more formal and explicit expression of the risks associated with specific regions, adhering better to academic writing standards.

  10. "various" -> "several" or "numerous"
    Explanation: "Various" is relatively informal for academic writing. Substituting it with "several" or "numerous" maintains formality and specificity in the context of undergraduate programs.

  11. "contend that" -> "argue that"
    Explanation: "Contend that" is slightly less common in academic writing. "Argue that" is a more direct and widely accepted phrase in formal contexts.

These improvements aim to enhance the essay’s formal tone and align the vocabulary more closely with academic writing standards while maintaining the natural flow of the text.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt—working and traveling—by presenting two distinct categories of students and their motivations for choosing either path. It discusses how work experience enhances university admission chances and opportunities, while travel fosters personal growth and cultural exposure.
    • How to improve: To further enhance comprehensiveness, it could delve deeper into the potential drawbacks or limitations of each choice. Exploring potential downsides would provide a more nuanced view of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adopts a balanced stance, suggesting that both working and traveling offer value without explicitly favoring one over the other. It maintains a neutral tone by presenting the benefits of both experiences.
    • How to improve: While presenting a balanced perspective is commendable, taking a slightly stronger stand or providing a personal opinion towards one path could add depth and conviction to the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents distinct reasons for both choices, such as university admission prospects and personal development through travel experiences. Each point is supported with examples, such as internships leading to scholarships and the impact of diverse backgrounds on university programs.
    • How to improve: To further extend ideas, incorporating contrasting viewpoints or counterarguments would enrich the discussion and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays focused on the topic by discussing the merits of working versus traveling during a gap year. However, it briefly touches on risks associated with travel but quickly returns to the central theme.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger relevance to the topic, it could elaborate more on the risks associated with travel or how these experiences directly relate to preparation for adult life.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic, effectively addressing both sides of the argument while providing supporting examples. To improve, consider exploring the limitations of each choice, taking a slightly firmer stance, incorporating contrasting viewpoints, and expanding on the relevance of travel experiences to adult life.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of logical organization. The introduction clearly outlines the two main options for a gap year (working and traveling) and presents the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a logical order, discussing each category of students in turn. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s opinion. However, there could be a slightly stronger connection between the reasons presented for working and the benefits discussed for traveling to enhance the overall coherence.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing stronger transitions between the reasons discussed for working and the benefits discussed for traveling. For example, use transitional phrases to connect ideas more explicitly, ensuring a smooth progression of thought.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as reasons for working, reasons for traveling, and the writer’s conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis within each paragraph. Some ideas could be further developed to provide a more comprehensive exploration of the topic.

    • How to improve: While maintaining the current paragraph structure, consider expanding on certain points within each paragraph. Provide more examples or details to strengthen the arguments and ensure that each paragraph contributes substantively to the overall argumentation.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "firstly," "secondly," "Furthermore," "In conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited set of cohesive devices, and some transitions could be more varied and nuanced.

    • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of transition words and phrases. Additionally, pay attention to the subtleties of transitions, ensuring they not only indicate sequence but also establish relationships between ideas (e.g., cause and effect, contrast). This will further enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "contemporary," "immersion," "prospective," and "well-rounded." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, alternative synonyms or more specialized terms could be utilized in certain instances to elevate the lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more advanced and varied vocabulary. For example, instead of using the common term "large corporations," consider alternatives like "corporate behemoths" or "industry giants" to add depth to your expression.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision. However, there are instances where more precise terminology could be beneficial. For instance, in the statement "large corporations sometimes offer scholarships and job opportunities to graduates," specifying the types of scholarships or job opportunities would add nuance and clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for more specificity in your vocabulary. Rather than using broad terms, provide detailed examples or qualifiers. For instance, mention specific types of scholarships such as "merit-based scholarships" or elaborate on the nature of job opportunities, such as "entry-level positions in reputable firms."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where spelling errors are present, such as "behemoths" spelled as "behemothes." These errors, though sporadic, can impact the overall professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your work meticulously. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools to catch any inadvertent errors. Paying careful attention to detail during the revision process will contribute to a flawless final product.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary with room for refinement. Strengthening precision and expanding the range of vocabulary further, along with addressing sporadic spelling errors, will contribute to an even more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, employing complex and compound structures effectively. Throughout the essay, there is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, there are complex sentences such as "There are several reasons why they choose to gain work experience" and compound sentences like "Many parents observe that young adults mature into well-rounded and open-minded individuals after spending their gap year traveling."
    • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more advanced structures like inverted sentences, conditional sentences, and parallelism. This can elevate the sophistication of the essay and add more depth to the arguments presented.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar. However, there are a few instances where article usage and subject-verb agreement could be refined. For instance, consider revising the sentence "In my opinion, I contend that both paths…" to "In my opinion, I contend that both paths, whether marked by professional engagement or global exploration, have the potential…"
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to article usage (such as "a," "an," and "the") and ensure consistency in subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Review sentence structure to maintain grammatical precision.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used accurately, with appropriate placement of commas, periods, and semicolons. However, there are a few areas where punctuation could be refined. For instance, consider revising the sentence "Firstly, it enhances an individual’s likelihood of acceptance into a good university, as admission officers value prospective students who are eager to acquire practical experience" by using a semicolon or breaking it into two sentences for clearer structure.
    • How to improve: Focus on using punctuation marks to enhance readability and clarity. Experiment with various punctuation marks like dashes or colons to add variety and structure to sentences without compromising clarity.

Overall, the essay exhibits a high level of grammatical proficiency. To further improve, continue refining sentence structures, paying close attention to grammar rules, and strategically using punctuation marks for clearer communication and a more impactful presentation of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present-day era, an increasing number of adolescents opt to undertake this hiatus, often after completing high school. Some choose to engage in work, while others prefer to travel. Notably, I believe that both experiences are valuable, and each can lead to different outcomes.

The initial group comprises students dedicating their gap year to internships or full-time employment before commencing their undergraduate studies. There are several reasons why they opt for work experience. Firstly, it enhances an individual’s likelihood of acceptance into a good university, as admission officers value prospective students eager to acquire practical experience. Secondly, prominent corporations may offer scholarships and job opportunities to graduates. For instance, outstanding students who intern at such firms may have the chance to secure scholarships.

The second category involves students viewing their gap year as a chance for cultural immersion, exploration of new countries, or even pursuing activities like yoga. This group seeks novel experiences, aiming to discover more about themselves. Many note that young adults mature into well-rounded and open-minded individuals after spending their gap year traveling. Although there are potential risks linked to traveling to specific regions in Africa or South America, some argue that students undertake such journeys for volunteer purposes. Furthermore, various undergraduate programs in the United States prioritize students with diverse backgrounds and experiences.

In conclusion, the decision to embrace a gap year remains a matter of personal preference. Although there are potential risks linked to global exploration, I argue that both paths, whether marked by professional engagement or cultural immersion, have the potential to significantly impact and enrich the lives of these students.

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