Some students choose to work or travel after leaving school and before going to university. Many people, however, say that working experience is more useful in adult life than travel. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some students choose to work or travel after leaving school and before going to university. Many people, however, say that working experience is more useful in adult life than travel.

Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is widely believed that experiencing working environment can equip the school-leavers with more precious value than traveling. Personally, I partly agree with this suggestion based on several major reasons that are explained in this way.
On the one hand, there are some persuasive rationales supporting the claim that entering the labor market after high school graduation associates with significant benefits. The most oustanding advantage is that students can gain their own financial independence which helps them satisfy individual needs such as shopping and entertaining. This also teaches them how to use money effectively as well as reduces the pressure on their parents. In addition, getting a job facilitates the students to have a deeper insight into the career aspects so that they would not only fuel their potentials but also adress their weaknesses.
On the other hand, I do believe in the values of travelling. To begin with, through travelling across the world, school-leavers can learn from different geographical contexts and cultural settings. For example, when it comes to the Japanese, most people are impressed by their discipline, smart work and time management. It means that if students had a chance to visit Japan, they would be motivated to lead a better life. Furthermore, travelling opens the door to widen their social circle which enriches their mental life. Interestingly enough, in this contemporary society, the necessity to expose to various kinds of humans could also be promoted, which helps students avoid being treated by the evil.
In conclusion, although there are mixed opinions on determining whether working experience is more useful than travelling or not, I am of the opinion both of them have its own distinct benefits. It is recommended that students should mull it over before deciding to take a gap year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "experiencing working environment" -> "gaining work experience"
   Explanation: "Gaining work experience" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic contexts, whereas "experiencing working environment" is awkward and unclear.

2. "more precious value" -> "more valuable experiences"
   Explanation: "More precious value" is redundant and unclear. "More valuable experiences" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "I partly agree" -> "I partially agree"
   Explanation: "Partially" is the correct adverbial form to use in formal writing when expressing partial agreement.

4. "explained in this way" -> "explained below"
   Explanation: "Explained in this way" is vague and informal. "Explained below" is more direct and suitable for academic writing.

5. "The most oustanding advantage" -> "the most outstanding advantage"
   Explanation: "Oustanding" is a typographical error; it should be "outstanding."

6. "helps them satisfy individual needs such as shopping and entertaining" -> "enables them to meet their personal needs, including shopping and entertainment"
   Explanation: "Enable" is more formal than "helps," and "personal needs" is more precise than "individual needs." Also, "entertainment" should be hyphenated as "entertainment."

7. "how to use money effectively" -> "how to manage their finances effectively"
   Explanation: "Manage their finances" is a more specific and formal expression than "use money effectively."

8. "reduces the pressure on their parents" -> "reduces parental pressure"
   Explanation: "Reduces parental pressure" is more concise and formal.

9. "getting a job facilitates the students" -> "securing employment facilitates the students"
   Explanation: "Securing employment" is a more formal and precise term than "getting a job."

10. "have a deeper insight into the career aspects" -> "gain a deeper understanding of the career aspects"
    Explanation: "Gain a deeper understanding" is more academically appropriate than "have a deeper insight."

11. "would not only fuel their potentials but also adress their weaknesses" -> "would not only enhance their strengths but also address their weaknesses"
    Explanation: "Enhance their strengths" is more accurate and formal than "fuel their potentials," and "address" should not be hyphenated.

12. "I do believe in the values of travelling" -> "I believe that traveling has value"
    Explanation: "I believe that traveling has value" is more direct and formal.

13. "most people are impressed by their discipline, smart work and time management" -> "many people are impressed by their discipline, diligence, and time management"
    Explanation: "Diligence" is a more formal synonym for "smart work," and "many" is more appropriate than "most" in this context.

14. "It means that if students had a chance to visit Japan, they would be motivated to lead a better life" -> "This suggests that if students were to visit Japan, they would be motivated to lead a better life"
    Explanation: "This suggests" is more formal than "It means," and "were to visit" is more precise than "had a chance to visit."

15. "the necessity to expose to various kinds of humans" -> "the need to interact with diverse individuals"
    Explanation: "The need to interact with diverse individuals" is more precise and formal than "the necessity to expose to various kinds of humans."

16. "avoid being treated by the evil" -> "avoid being treated unfairly"
    Explanation: "Avoid being treated unfairly" is clearer and more appropriate than "avoid being treated by the evil," which is vague and informal.

17. "It is recommended that students should mull it over" -> "It is recommended that students carefully consider"
    Explanation: "Carefully consider" is more formal and appropriate than "mull it over," which is colloquial.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives: the benefits of work experience and the advantages of travel. The introduction clearly states a partial agreement with the notion that work experience is more beneficial, which aligns with the task. However, the conclusion somewhat dilutes the response by suggesting that both options have distinct benefits without firmly taking a side. This could lead to ambiguity about the writer’s true stance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state a clear position in the conclusion that reflects their earlier agreement or disagreement. Additionally, each paragraph could more directly connect back to the prompt, ensuring that the arguments made are consistently tied to the question of which experience is more useful.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. The writer states a partial agreement but does not maintain a strong stance throughout the essay. For instance, while the benefits of working are discussed in detail, the discussion on travel, although valid, seems to undermine the initial claim that work experience is more valuable.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should consistently emphasize their agreement with the benefits of work experience while acknowledging the value of travel as a secondary point. Using phrases like "While I recognize the benefits of travel, I firmly believe that…" can help reinforce the main argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both work and travel, providing some examples to support these claims. For instance, the financial independence gained from work and the cultural insights from travel are good points. However, the development of these ideas could be more thorough. The example regarding Japan, while interesting, lacks a direct link to how this experience translates into practical benefits in adult life.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to extend their ideas by providing more specific examples and elaborating on how these experiences contribute to adult life. For instance, discussing how financial independence can lead to better decision-making skills or how cultural exposure can enhance adaptability in various environments would strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic, discussing the merits of work experience versus travel. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the discussion of travel, where the mention of "being treated by the evil" feels vague and disconnected from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the question of usefulness in adult life. Avoiding vague phrases and ensuring that each point clearly ties back to the main argument will enhance coherence and relevance.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents valid points, it would benefit from a clearer stance, more developed examples, and tighter focus on the prompt throughout the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of working, while the second focuses on the advantages of traveling. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother; the connection between the two paragraphs is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse the reader regarding how these points relate to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly relate the two ideas. For example, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence could be added to indicate that while work has its benefits, travel also offers unique advantages. This would create a more cohesive argument and guide the reader through your thought process.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph has a clear focus, and the introduction and conclusion are distinct. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on financial independence and the other on personal development through work. This would allow for more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones when discussing multiple points. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea supported by examples or explanations. This not only aids readability but also allows for a more thorough examination of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to contrast the two perspectives. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For example, phrases like "Furthermore" and "To begin with" are effective, but the essay could benefit from additional linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Additionally," "Moreover," or "Conversely" to introduce new ideas or contrast them. This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a greater command of language, which is essential for achieving a higher band score.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "financial independence," "cultural settings," and "social circle." These phrases effectively convey the writer’s ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, the use of some vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "working environment" and "working experience," which could be varied to enhance the essay’s lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "working experience," alternatives like "professional experience," "employment opportunities," or "job exposure" could be employed. Additionally, expanding the vocabulary related to travel, such as "exploration," "cultural immersion," or "global exposure," would enhance the richness of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "financial independence" and "deeper insight," which accurately convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "precious value," which is somewhat vague and could be more clearly articulated. The phrase "to expose to various kinds of humans" is awkward and lacks clarity, as "humans" is too broad and informal for an academic context.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim to use more specific terms. For example, instead of "precious value," a more precise phrase could be "valuable life skills." Additionally, instead of "various kinds of humans," the writer could say "a diverse range of individuals" or "people from different backgrounds," which would provide clearer meaning and improve the overall tone of the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there is a notable misspelling of "outstanding" as "oustanding" and "address" as "adress." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and could impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s attention to detail.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should make it a habit to proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during the writing process. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can help reinforce correct spelling in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the phrase "the necessity to expose to various kinds of humans could also be promoted" showcases a more complex structure. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "This" or "In addition," which can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use a mix of active and passive voice. For example, instead of starting sentences with "This" or "In addition," the writer could use phrases like "Moreover," "Additionally," or restructure sentences to begin with a dependent clause. Practicing the use of different conjunctions and introductory phrases can also help in creating a more engaging narrative.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the most oustanding advantage" contains a spelling error ("oustanding" should be "outstanding"). Additionally, the sentence "which helps them avoid being treated by the evil" is awkwardly phrased and lacks clarity, as "the evil" is vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "however" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread their work to catch spelling errors and awkward phrasing. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify issues before submission. Furthermore, focusing on clarity in expression is crucial; the writer should aim to convey their ideas in a straightforward manner. For example, instead of saying "being treated by the evil," a clearer expression could be "being influenced by negative behaviors." Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence clarity can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that gaining work experience can equip school-leavers with more valuable experiences than traveling. Personally, I partially agree with this suggestion based on several major reasons that are explained below.

On the one hand, there are some persuasive rationales supporting the claim that entering the labor market after high school graduation is associated with significant benefits. The most outstanding advantage is that students can achieve their own financial independence, which helps them meet their personal needs, including shopping and entertainment. This also teaches them how to manage their finances effectively and reduces parental pressure. In addition, securing employment facilitates students in gaining a deeper understanding of the career aspects, enabling them to enhance their strengths while also addressing their weaknesses.

On the other hand, I believe that traveling has value. To begin with, through traveling across the world, school-leavers can learn from different geographical contexts and cultural settings. For example, when it comes to the Japanese, many people are impressed by their discipline, diligence, and time management. This suggests that if students were to visit Japan, they would be motivated to lead a better life. Furthermore, traveling opens the door to widen their social circle, enriching their mental life. Interestingly enough, in contemporary society, the need to interact with diverse individuals is increasingly important, which helps students avoid being treated unfairly.

In conclusion, although there are mixed opinions on whether work experience is more useful than traveling, I believe that both have their own distinct benefits. It is recommended that students carefully consider their options before deciding to take a gap year.