Student should pay the full cost for their own study, because university education benefits individuals rather than society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Student should pay the full cost for their own study, because university education benefits individuals rather than society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this day and age, university training costs experienced a significant increase, so it causes a burden for students and their families. However, some people argue that students need to pay total fees for their own study, because the advantages of individuals are given by university training,which is bigger than society. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this argument.
First and foramore, it is clear that creating opportunities for students to follow their high academic life is beneficial in the economy . Indeed, as I mentioned, university cost has become a financial burden for students so governments and universities should impose a variety of laws such as allowing students to approach some preferential loan policy in interest rate or duration, especially for poor students or students who are ready to devote all of their time to success . As a result, it will aid them to advance their ability and skills and change to be motivations, consequently, they will work their uttermost to be well-rounded people and bring prosperity for society. For instance, in Vietnam, although the poverty rate is reduced at 2-3%, university costs are expensive for some people, thanks to privacy from government, a plenty of students who overcome a poor to become successful person to contribute modernization career in nation.
Secondly, it is undeniable that more and more joint hands from governments and universities help the security and political to balance.To begin with, education is fundamental in the development of a country, so strategic planners always desire to have a sustainable economy where occupations are allocated based on the plus and minus of one specific country. For instance, in Vietnam, the armed forces are supported all from meals to sleep, even having an instant job after graduation, who will be ready to face dangers to protect and serve people. Furthermore, in fact, a numerous of students still learn and work in left excellent skill or even do not have chances to learn so their labor productivity is not high, which high cost in university play a role in.Therefore, students can choose a field, being their best, which can reduce unemployment rate, improve social security.
Overall, it is disadvantageous to impose full expense for students in numerous solutions. Therefore, one argue of making students pay fully and only valuing for individual is mistake, in fact, giving opportunities for students to join university training is better in boosting economy or ensure order and security
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more concise and formal alternative to the colloquial phrase "In this day and age," which is better suited for academic writing. -
"experienced a significant increase" -> "have experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: Adding "have" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and precise. -
"it causes a burden" -> "it poses a burden"
Explanation: "Poses" is a more formal verb choice than "causes" in this context, enhancing the academic tone. -
"need to pay total fees" -> "must pay the full tuition fees"
Explanation: "Must pay the full tuition fees" is more specific and formal, clarifying that the fees refer to tuition costs. -
"the advantages of individuals are given by university training,which is bigger than society" -> "the benefits to individuals provided by university education far outweigh those to society"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and uses more precise language ("benefits" and "provided by") to enhance formality and clarity. -
"First and foramore" -> "First and foremost"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "foramore" to "foremost," which is the correct adverbial phrase. -
"creating opportunities for students to follow their high academic life" -> "providing opportunities for students to pursue higher education"
Explanation: "Pursue higher education" is a more precise and formal way to describe the academic endeavors of students. -
"allowing students to approach some preferential loan policy" -> "offering students preferential loan options"
Explanation: "Offering preferential loan options" is more direct and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "approach some preferential loan policy." -
"change to be motivations" -> "become motivated"
Explanation: "Become motivated" is a more natural and grammatically correct expression than "change to be motivations." -
"work their uttermost" -> "work diligently"
Explanation: "Work diligently" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "work their uttermost," which is colloquial and unclear. -
"bring prosperity for society" -> "contribute to societal prosperity"
Explanation: "Contribute to societal prosperity" is a more formal and precise way to express the impact on society. -
"a plenty of students" -> "many students"
Explanation: "Many students" is a more formal and correct expression than "a plenty of students," which is informal and imprecise. -
"overcome a poor to become successful person" -> "overcome poverty to become successful individuals"
Explanation: "Overcome poverty to become successful individuals" corrects the grammatical structure and uses more formal language. -
"a numerous of students" -> "a numerous students"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by removing the unnecessary "of." -
"do not have chances to learn" -> "lack opportunities to learn"
Explanation: "Lack opportunities to learn" is a more formal and precise way to express the absence of learning opportunities. -
"high cost in university play a role in" -> "high university costs play a role"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies that the costs refer to university expenses. -
"one argue of making students pay fully and only valuing for individual" -> "the argument that students should pay fully and only value individual benefits"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the argument and corrects the awkward and incorrect original phrasing. -
"giving opportunities for students to join university training is better in boosting economy or ensure order and security" -> "providing opportunities for students to pursue university education is more effective in boosting the economy and ensuring order and security"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the benefits and uses more formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the statement that students should pay the full cost of their education. The writer argues that university education benefits society as well as individuals, which is relevant to the question. However, the response could be improved by explicitly outlining the extent of agreement or disagreement, as the prompt asks "to what extent." The argument is somewhat vague in this regard, as it does not clearly state whether the author believes students should pay any costs or if the government should cover all expenses.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position regarding the extent of their disagreement at the beginning of the essay. This could be achieved by explicitly stating whether they believe students should pay any portion of their education costs or if it should be entirely subsidized by the government.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the idea that students should bear the full cost of their education. However, there are moments where the clarity of this position is weakened by convoluted sentence structures and unclear phrasing. For example, phrases like "the advantages of individuals are given by university training, which is bigger than society" could be more clearly articulated to reinforce the author’s stance.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using straightforward language and clear sentence structures to express their ideas. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion can help reinforce the position taken throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of university education to society, such as economic contributions and social security. However, the support for these ideas is sometimes vague or poorly articulated. For instance, the example regarding Vietnam’s poverty rate lacks clarity and does not effectively connect back to the main argument about education costs. The use of specific examples is present, but they need to be more directly tied to the argument being made.
- How to improve: To improve the support of ideas, the writer should ensure that each point made is clearly linked to the thesis. Providing more detailed examples and explanations, as well as ensuring that they directly support the main argument, will strengthen the overall response.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of university education costs. However, there are instances where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the armed forces and their support, which may not be directly relevant to the central argument about education costs. This can distract from the main point and dilute the effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the main argument about whether students should pay for their education. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all content remains relevant and focused on the task at hand.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear disagreement with the prompt, improvements in clarity, structure, and relevance will enhance the effectiveness of the argument and potentially raise the band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the idea that students should pay the full cost of their education. The arguments are organized into two main body paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the topic. The first paragraph discusses the economic benefits of supporting students financially, while the second focuses on the broader societal implications of education. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear transitions and some convoluted sentence structures. For example, the phrase "creating opportunities for students to follow their high academic life is beneficial in the economy" could be more directly linked to the subsequent points about financial burdens and government support.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Each point should build on the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the body paragraphs could be better structured. For instance, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be broken down into separate sentences for clarity. The second paragraph also introduces several concepts that could benefit from clearer separation and elaboration. The conclusion, while present, lacks a strong summarization of the key arguments made in the essay.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, with supporting details following logically. The writer could benefit from using a more structured approach, such as the PEEL (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link) method, to ensure that each point is fully developed before moving on to the next. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main arguments and restate the writer’s position clearly.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "secondly," and "overall," which help to signal the progression of ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some phrases are awkwardly constructed, which can hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "a numerous of students still learn and work in left excellent skill" is confusing and lacks coherence. The use of "therefore" and "for instance" is present but could be expanded to create a more fluid reading experience.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. This includes using synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition, as well as employing more sophisticated connectors such as "consequently," "as a result," and "in contrast." Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately and in context will enhance the overall clarity and flow of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common expressions such as "financial burden," "preferential loan policy," and "modernization career." However, there are instances where the vocabulary used is repetitive or overly simplistic, such as "students need to pay total fees" and "it is clear that creating opportunities." The phrase "high academic life" is also awkward and could be better expressed.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the student should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "students" or "university," the writer could use terms like "learners," "higher education institutions," or "tertiary education." Additionally, exploring more sophisticated phrases to express ideas, such as "academic pursuits" instead of "high academic life," would elevate the essay’s lexical variety.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the arguments. For example, "the advantages of individuals are given by university training, which is bigger than society" is unclear and awkwardly phrased. The term "a plenty of students who overcome a poor" is also grammatically incorrect and confusing. The phrase "joint hands from governments and universities" is another example of vague language that could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: The student should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of "the advantages of individuals are given by university training," a clearer expression could be "university education primarily benefits individuals rather than society." Additionally, ensuring grammatical correctness will aid in precision; for instance, "many students who overcome poverty" would be a more accurate phrase.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "foramore" (which should be "furthermore"), "a numerous of students" (which should be "a large number of students"), and "disadvantageous" (which is correct but could be simplified to "disadvantageous"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the student should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or online quizzes. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or reading it aloud can help catch spelling mistakes. Keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them before writing could also be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these aspects, the student can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences such as "However, some people argue that students need to pay total fees for their own study" are present, but the complexity is limited. There are attempts at more complex structures, such as "As a result, it will aid them to advance their ability and skills and change to be motivations," but these sentences often lack clarity and grammatical correctness. The use of phrases like "to follow their high academic life" and "who will be ready to face dangers to protect and serve people" indicates an effort to vary sentence types, yet they often result in awkward constructions that detract from the overall effectiveness.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of "it is clear that creating opportunities for students to follow their high academic life is beneficial in the economy," the writer could say, "Creating opportunities for students to pursue higher education not only benefits them personally but also contributes significantly to the economy." Additionally, using a mix of dependent and independent clauses can add depth to the writing. Practicing sentence combining exercises and reading a variety of academic texts can help in developing a more sophisticated range of structures.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical and punctuation errors that hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the advantages of individuals are given by university training,which is bigger than society" lack proper spacing after the comma and contain awkward phrasing. Additionally, the phrase "a numerous of students still learn and work in left excellent skill" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "a large number of students still lack excellent skills." Furthermore, punctuation issues, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunction usage, contribute to run-on sentences and confusion in meaning.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, "a numerous of students" should be corrected to "a large number of students." Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focused on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that sentences are not overly long or complex can enhance clarity. Employing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct mistakes before submission.
Overall, while the essay presents some relevant ideas and arguments, enhancing grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In this day and age, university training costs have experienced a significant increase, which poses a burden for students and their families. However, some people argue that students need to pay the full fees for their own studies because the advantages to individuals provided by university training are greater than those to society. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this argument.
First and foremost, it is clear that creating opportunities for students to pursue their higher education is beneficial for the economy. Indeed, as I mentioned, university costs have become a financial burden for students, so governments and universities should impose a variety of measures, such as allowing students to access preferential loan options in terms of interest rates or duration, especially for poor students or those who are ready to devote all of their time to success. As a result, it will aid them in advancing their abilities and skills and become motivated; consequently, they will work diligently to become well-rounded individuals and contribute to societal prosperity. For instance, in Vietnam, although the poverty rate has reduced by 2-3%, university costs remain expensive for some people. Thanks to support from the government, many students have overcome poverty to become successful individuals who contribute to the modernization of the nation.
Secondly, it is undeniable that the collaboration between governments and universities helps maintain security and political balance. To begin with, education is fundamental to the development of a country, so strategic planners always desire to have a sustainable economy where jobs are allocated based on the strengths and weaknesses of that specific country. For instance, in Vietnam, the armed forces receive support for everything from meals to accommodation, and they even have guaranteed jobs after graduation, as they are ready to face dangers to protect and serve the people. Furthermore, many students still lack opportunities to learn and work in fields where they can develop excellent skills, which results in low labor productivity. High university costs play a role in this issue. Therefore, students should be able to choose fields where they can excel, which can help reduce the unemployment rate and improve social security.
Overall, it is disadvantageous to impose the full cost on students in numerous ways. Therefore, the argument that students should pay fully and only value individual benefits is a mistake. In fact, providing opportunities for students to pursue university education is more effective in boosting the economy and ensuring order and security.