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Students should be taught academic knowledge so that they can pass exams, and skills such as cooking or dressing should not be taught. To what extent do you agree/disagree?

Students should be taught academic knowledge so that they can pass exams, and skills such as cooking or dressing should not be taught.
To what extent do you agree/disagree?

Students should not be taught some soft skills including cooking and dressing, instead they should learn academic knowledge to pass exams. From my perspective, I partly agree with this ideal. This essay will shed light on both sides of this phenomenon.

On the one hand, the option to study academic knowledge is attractive for several reasons. It is reasonable that there are more jobs requiring candidates to have expertise and academic knowledge to meet the admissions requirements. It is a prerequisite factor to necessarily participate in a higher academic job. A salient evidence for this is that for instance, Medicine is a major related to human health and life, therefore candidates must have enough expertises and pass exams prior to being hired. There is no denying that students show passion for higher education. Given that they have to equip himself with a solid foundation about fundamental knowledge, since those are prerequisite factors lending a helping hand to acquire higher knowledge of higher education.

Nevertheless, I believe that cooking and dressing are also basic skills which are beneficial for people in daily life. Obviously, those living far away from home and independent live, they have to equip themselves with essential skills such as cooking and dressing to take care of themselves without supportion’s parents. Specifically, for international students, those soft skills are necessary for them, as culinary culture and taste is distinctive in countries and cooking skills lend a helping hand to those who can cook to suit their taste. On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why I believe that those soft skills open up the door to job opportunities with a handsome salary. As cooking and dressing is not only a soft skill but also a major and fantastic job in the community, they need to know more about cooking and dressing. Example, Vietnamese have some jobs such as vacancy tailor and chef which help workers to earn a lot of money.

In conclusion, there is no denying that academic knowledge learning is important, but students also need to have soft skills such as cooking and dressing. The former gives us lore and the latter gives us life skills. Therefore, we cannot lack one of the two.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "some soft skills including cooking and dressing" -> "certain soft skills such as culinary and wardrobe management"
    Explanation: Replacing the vague term "some soft skills" with more specific examples like "culinary and wardrobe management" enhances clarity and sophistication in language use.

  2. "instead they should learn academic knowledge to pass exams" -> "rather, they should focus on acquiring academic knowledge to excel in examinations"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains formality and precision by replacing the casual "pass exams" with the more precise "excel in examinations."

  3. "I partly agree with this ideal" -> "I am inclined to agree with this perspective to some extent"
    Explanation: The use of "ideal" is more informal, and the replacement phrase adds nuance to the agreement while maintaining a formal tone.

  4. "shed light on both sides of this phenomenon" -> "examine both facets of this issue"
    Explanation: The alternative phrase is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial expression "shed light on."

  5. "It is reasonable that there are more jobs requiring candidates to have expertise and academic knowledge to meet the admissions requirements." -> "It is logical that an increasing number of professions demand candidates with expertise and academic qualifications to fulfill admission criteria."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances formality by using more precise terms like "professions" and "admission criteria."

  6. "A salient evidence for this is that for instance, Medicine is a major related to human health and life, therefore candidates must have enough expertises and pass exams prior to being hired." -> "An illustrative example of this is the field of Medicine, which is closely linked to human health and life. Therefore, candidates must possess the necessary expertise and successfully pass examinations before being employed."
    Explanation: The revision improves formality and clarity by providing a specific example and using more precise language.

  7. "show passion for higher education" -> "demonstrate enthusiasm for advanced education"
    Explanation: The alternative phrase employs a more formal expression, replacing "show passion" with "demonstrate enthusiasm."

  8. "Given that they have to equip himself with a solid foundation about fundamental knowledge" -> "Considering the necessity to build a robust foundation in fundamental knowledge"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains a formal tone and corrects the agreement issue by changing "equip himself" to "build."

  9. "therefore, we cannot lack one of the two" -> "thus, one cannot afford to overlook either of them"
    Explanation: The replacement phrase is more formal and maintains the academic tone, avoiding the colloquial "cannot lack."

Note: The original text has several grammatical errors and awkward expressions. While the suggested improvements address vocabulary issues, additional revisions may be necessary for overall coherence and correctness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt, discussing the importance of academic knowledge for exams and acknowledging the value of soft skills like cooking and dressing. The essay provides examples to support each perspective.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider offering a more balanced and nuanced exploration of the topic. Provide additional examples or delve deeper into the implications of prioritizing one set of skills over the other.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, expressing partial agreement with the idea that academic knowledge should take precedence. However, it also acknowledges the importance of soft skills. The stance is consistently presented throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of your position, consider explicitly stating your stance in the introduction and conclusion. This can help in reinforcing your perspective for the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a clear manner, with examples to support both academic knowledge and soft skills arguments. However, some ideas could be extended further to provide a more in-depth analysis.
    • How to improve: Work on expanding on your ideas, providing more depth and analysis. For instance, when discussing the importance of academic knowledge, elaborate on the specific skills or knowledge areas that are crucial for different professions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the importance of academic knowledge and soft skills as per the given prompt. However, there are instances where the connection between the discussed points and the prompt could be clearer.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Tie examples back to the central theme of academic knowledge and soft skills to maintain a stronger connection to the given topic.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the key components of the prompt but would benefit from a more balanced exploration, explicit statements of position, deeper analysis, and a clearer connection between examples and the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction provides a clear thesis statement, and the subsequent paragraphs present arguments in a cohesive manner. However, the organization could be improved in terms of consistency. For example, the essay transitions abruptly between discussing the importance of academic knowledge and the value of soft skills. This creates a slight disconnect between ideas, impacting overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs and ideas. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates back to the main thesis. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the different aspects of your argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. However, there are instances where the structure within paragraphs could be more refined. For instance, the paragraph discussing academic knowledge could be further divided into subpoints for clarity and emphasis. This would make the essay more reader-friendly.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, focused sections. Each paragraph should ideally address a single main idea or aspect of the argument. This enhances clarity and allows the reader to follow your reasoning more easily.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a reasonable range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases ("On the one hand," "Nevertheless," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of these devices and their strategic placement. The transitions between ideas could be more explicit to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transitional phrases. Ensure that these devices are strategically placed to clearly indicate relationships between ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive and easily understandable essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable understanding of coherence and cohesion but could benefit from refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and diversification of cohesive devices for a more polished and reader-friendly composition.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate various words and expressions, but the diversity is somewhat limited. For instance, the repeated use of phrases like "academic knowledge" and "soft skills" suggests a reliance on certain terms. While the essay touches upon different aspects of the topic, more varied vocabulary could enhance the overall richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To broaden your lexical range, consider using synonyms and exploring different expressions for key concepts. Instead of relying on repeated phrases, experiment with diverse vocabulary. For example, in discussing academic knowledge, you might use terms like "scholarly expertise," "educational proficiency," or "intellectual acumen" to add variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "this ideal" in the introduction is vague and could be clarified. Additionally, the use of "soft skills" is general; specifying these as "cooking and dressing" would enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in your vocabulary. Instead of using broad terms like "this ideal," consider specifying which ideal you are referring to. Regarding "soft skills," explicitly mentioning "culinary and dressing skills" would provide a clearer and more precise understanding for the reader.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect the overall presentation. Examples include "supportion’s" instead of "support of," "lore" instead of "knowledge," and "vacancy" instead of "fancy." These errors, while not pervasive, impact the essay’s professionalism.
    • How to improve: Proofread your essay carefully to catch spelling errors. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to assist in identifying and correcting mistakes. Additionally, reviewing your work with a focus on accurate word choice will contribute to a more polished presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence complexity and variety. The majority of sentences are straightforward, and some could be more intricate to showcase a higher level of grammatical range.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, vary the use of sentence beginnings to avoid repetition and add sophistication to the writing. For instance, using introductory phrases or clauses can contribute to a more varied structure.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the sentence "there is no denying that students show passion for higher education," the word order is slightly awkward. Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are areas where it could be improved for clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to sentence construction. Read sentences aloud to identify any awkward phrasing or grammatical errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific sentences that may be challenging. Regarding punctuation, ensure that commas are used appropriately to clarify meaning, especially in complex sentences.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence structures and fine-tuning grammatical accuracy. Incorporating more sophisticated sentence constructions and refining grammar will contribute to a more polished and nuanced essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The question of whether students should exclusively focus on academic knowledge for exam success, neglecting essential skills like cooking and dressing, sparks considerable debate. I find myself leaning towards agreement with this notion to some extent. In examining both facets of this issue, it becomes evident that while academic knowledge is crucial, basic life skills should not be overlooked.

On the one hand, the emphasis on academic knowledge is understandable, considering the increasing demand in many professions for candidates with expertise and academic qualifications. This is particularly evident in fields such as Medicine, where the connection to human health and life necessitates a rigorous academic foundation and successful exam performance for employment. It is logical that students demonstrate enthusiasm for advanced education, recognizing the need to build a robust foundation in fundamental knowledge as a stepping stone to higher education.

Nevertheless, it is essential to acknowledge the practical significance of soft skills like cooking and dressing. Basic life skills are indispensable, especially for those living independently or far from home. International students, for instance, benefit greatly from acquiring these skills as they navigate culinary differences and adapt to distinct tastes. Additionally, such skills are not just essential for daily living but can also open doors to various job opportunities with lucrative salaries. Jobs like tailoring and culinary professions, for example, contribute significantly to income generation.

In conclusion, while academic knowledge is undeniably important, it should not overshadow the importance of soft skills like cooking and dressing. The former provides us with knowledge, while the latter equips us with essential life skills. Therefore, a balanced approach that recognizes the value of both is crucial for holistic education and personal development.

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