Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person.
Why do you think this is the case?
What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
In recent times, it is true that the majority of either young people prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. Given that there are some reasons for this phenomenon, the severity of the problem can be lessened by the adaption of some solutions, which suggested as follow
Initially, the most significants reasons why teenagers like meeting online than face to face is the development of technology such as smart phone , laptop, ect. As a result, younger person had trend spend major free time for these instead hang out to meeting and talking like in the past leading teenagers these days prefer socialising online. The way foreward is the parents should limited the screen time of their children. For example, in the family had a rule that the children just spent 3 to 4 hours on their smart devices , the rest of their free time spend for friends and outdoor activities
Another reason for this case is many teenager are bullied in the school by friends who do not like this person. In consequences teenagers feel self- deprecation and they find out the sense of comfortable in the online by other person who spend praises. To solve this problem, the school need manage all the student and helping student who suffered violence from other students. For example put a box which recieved a incognito from students who suffered violence and as soon as sovle it
In conclusion, the younger person prefer socialisong online to meeting one another in person from 2 main triggers. However to combat this problem demands concerted efforts from both families and school
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"In recent times" -> "Recently"
Explanation: "Recently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "In recent times," which is slightly redundant and less commonly used in academic writing. -
"the majority of either young people prefer" -> "most young people prefer"
Explanation: "The majority of either" is awkward and redundant. Simplifying it to "most" streamlines the sentence and maintains clarity. -
"meeting one another in person" -> "interacting in person"
Explanation: "Interacting" is a more precise term than "meeting one another," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context. -
"the adaption of some solutions, which suggested as follow" -> "the implementation of certain solutions, which are suggested below"
Explanation: "Adaption" should be "implementation" for accuracy, and "as follow" should be "below" for proper grammatical structure and clarity. -
"significants" -> "significant"
Explanation: "Significants" is a typographical error; the correct form is "significant." -
"like meeting online than face to face" -> "online than in person"
Explanation: "Face to face" is a more formal expression than "meeting online," and "in person" is more commonly used in academic writing. -
"younger person had trend spend major free time" -> "younger people tend to spend most of their free time"
Explanation: "Younger person" should be "younger people" for subject-verb agreement, and "had trend spend" is grammatically incorrect; "tend to spend" is the correct phrase. -
"hang out to meeting and talking" -> "socializing and conversing"
Explanation: "Hang out" is informal and vague; "socializing and conversing" are more precise and formal terms. -
"The way foreward is the parents should limited" -> "The solution is for parents to limit"
Explanation: "The way foreward" is incorrect; "The solution is for parents to limit" corrects the grammatical structure and formality. -
"in the family had a rule" -> "in families have a rule"
Explanation: "In the family" is incorrect; "in families" is the correct plural form, and "have" is the correct verb tense for a general rule. -
"the children just spent 3 to 4 hours on their smart devices" -> "children spend no more than 3 to 4 hours on their devices"
Explanation: "Just" is informal and "spent" should be "spend" for the present tense, and "smart devices" is redundant; "devices" is sufficient. -
"the sense of comfortable" -> "a sense of comfort"
Explanation: "The sense of comfortable" is grammatically incorrect; "a sense of comfort" is the correct phrase. -
"by other person who spend praises" -> "by others who praise them"
Explanation: "Other person who spend praises" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "others who praise them" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"put a box which recieved a incognito from students" -> "install a box that receives anonymous reports from students"
Explanation: "Put a box which recieved a incognito" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "install a box that receives anonymous reports" is clear and formal. -
"as soon as sovle it" -> "as soon as it is solved"
Explanation: "Sovle" is a typographical error; "as soon as it is solved" corrects the spelling and grammatical structure. -
"socialisong" -> "socializing"
Explanation: "Socialisong" is a typographical error; "socializing" is the correct spelling. -
"to combat this problem demands concerted efforts" -> "to address this issue requires concerted efforts"
Explanation: "Combat" is too strong and informal for this context; "address" is more appropriate, and "requires" is more precise than "demands" in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both parts of the question: reasons why teenagers prefer socializing online and measures to encourage in-person meetings. It briefly touches on technology as a reason and suggests parental control over screen time as a solution. It also mentions bullying in schools as another reason and suggests implementing anonymous reporting systems as a solution.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each reason and solution. It could elaborate further on how technology specifically affects social behavior and provide more concrete and feasible measures beyond general suggestions.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear stance that acknowledges technology and bullying as reasons why teenagers prefer online socializing. However, the presentation lacks depth and coherence in discussing these reasons and solutions.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should clearly state and reinforce its main points throughout each paragraph. It should also avoid vague language and provide specific examples to support its arguments.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay introduces ideas about technology and bullying but does not effectively develop or support these ideas with detailed examples or analysis. It lacks specific instances or studies to bolster its arguments.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should expand on each idea with relevant examples, statistics, or studies. It should also connect these examples back to the main thesis to strengthen the overall argument.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing reasons why teenagers prefer online socializing and suggesting measures to encourage in-person interactions. However, it occasionally strays with unclear or unsupported statements.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. It should avoid making general statements without clear evidence or elaboration.
In conclusion, while the essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing reasons and solutions related to teenagers’ preference for online socializing, it would benefit from more detailed explanations, clearer examples, and better organization of ideas. Developing a more structured approach with specific evidence and examples will help strengthen the essay’s coherence and effectiveness.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically but struggles with coherence in several areas. The introduction and conclusion are succinct but lack development. Each body paragraph focuses on a different reason for why teenagers prefer online socializing, which is logical, but transitions between these reasons are abrupt and could be smoother. For instance, there’s a sudden shift from discussing technological devices to bullying without a clear bridge.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, develop each reason more fully to provide a deeper analysis of why teenagers prefer online interactions.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is appropriate. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved. Some paragraphs are overly brief and lack development, such as the paragraph addressing technology. Each paragraph should ideally introduce, develop, and conclude its main point, which is inconsistently achieved.
- How to improve: Focus on paragraph coherence by ensuring each one has a clear topic sentence, supporting details or examples, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the thesis or main argument. For example, expand on how smartphones and laptops specifically impact social behavior to provide a deeper analysis.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices but does so inconsistently and sometimes incorrectly. There are instances of repetition ("teenagers," "online") without varied vocabulary or synonyms. Additionally, some sentences lack clear logical connections between ideas, making the essay feel disjointed at times.
- How to improve: Improve cohesion by using a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "however," "therefore," "as a result") to connect ideas more effectively. Avoid unnecessary repetition and strive for smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use pronouns or demonstrative adjectives to refer back to previously mentioned ideas rather than repeating the same phrases.
Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and provides relevant examples, its coherence and cohesion could benefit from stronger organization, more developed paragraphs, and improved use of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a more cohesive structure and enhance readability, potentially raising its band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are attempts to vary the vocabulary with words like "phenomenon," "adaptation," "severity," "significant," "foreward," "self-deprecation," and "incognito." However, some phrases lack precision and are somewhat repetitive ("teenagers like meeting online than face to face," "spend major free time for these instead hang out to meeting and talking").
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for more precise and varied vocabulary throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "teenagers," use synonyms like "adolescents," "youth," or "young people." Replace general terms like "some reasons" with specific explanations such as "factors" or "drivers." This will enrich the vocabulary and demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to use a range of vocabulary, some expressions are imprecise or awkward ("the development of technology such as smart phone," "leading teenagers these days prefer socialising online"). These phrases detract from the precision of the argument.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Instead of "development of technology such as smart phone," specify "the proliferation of smartphones and laptops." Avoid ambiguous phrases like "leading teenagers these days prefer socialising online" and clarify with specifics, such as "contributing to a preference among teenagers for online socializing."
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors throughout the essay ("adaption" should be "adaptation," "significants" should be "significant," "foreward" should be "forward," "incognito" should be "incidents," "socialisong" should be "socializing").
- How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch spelling mistakes. Consider using spell-check tools or asking someone else to review your writing for errors. Developing a habit of proofreading can significantly improve spelling accuracy.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in both precision of vocabulary use and spelling accuracy. Enhancing these aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and effective presentation of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. There are instances of complex sentences attempted, though these are not consistently well-executed. For example, "Given that there are some reasons for this phenomenon, the severity of the problem can be lessened by the adaption of some solutions, which suggested as follow" attempts a complex structure but lacks clarity and cohesion. This hinders the essay’s overall effectiveness in demonstrating a varied sentence structure.
- How to improve: To enhance variety, focus on using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences more deliberately. Incorporate phrases like dependent clauses and relative pronouns to add complexity without sacrificing clarity. For instance, instead of "the severity of the problem can be lessened by the adaption of some solutions," try "adopting various solutions could mitigate the severity of this issue."
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical issues throughout, such as subject-verb agreement errors ("the majority of either young people prefer"), incorrect verb forms ("had trend spend"), and awkward phrasing ("the way foreward is the parents should limited the screen time"). Punctuation usage also needs improvement, including missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent capitalization ("smart phone , laptop").
- How to improve: Addressing these errors requires a focus on basic grammar rules. Review subject-verb agreements and verb tenses for accuracy. Practice using commas correctly in compound sentences and ensure proper capitalization of nouns and at the start of sentences. For example, revise "the way foreward is the parents should limited the screen time" to "One effective approach is for parents to limit their children’s screen time."
Overall, while the essay presents ideas coherently, significant improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy are essential to achieve a higher band score. Focus on clarity and precision in expression to enhance overall readability and impact.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent times, it is evident that many young people prefer socializing online rather than meeting in person. There are several reasons for this trend, and implementing certain solutions could help alleviate the issue.
Firstly, one significant reason why teenagers prefer online interaction over face-to-face meetings is the widespread availability of technology such as smartphones and laptops. These devices consume much of their free time, replacing traditional socializing activities. To address this, parents can play a crucial role by setting limits on screen time. For instance, families could establish a rule where children spend no more than 3 to 4 hours daily on their devices, leaving ample time for in-person interactions with friends and engaging in outdoor activities.
Another contributing factor is bullying among peers at school, which can lead teenagers to feel insecure and seek solace online where they receive positive reinforcement from anonymous individuals. Schools can mitigate this issue by implementing strategies to manage student interactions effectively. For example, installing a system where students can anonymously report bullying incidents could help promptly resolve such issues and create a safer environment for face-to-face socializing.
In conclusion, the preference of young people for online socializing stems primarily from technological advancements and social challenges like bullying. However, addressing this trend requires collaborative efforts from both families and schools. By regulating screen time and promoting a supportive school environment, we can encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person, fostering healthier social interactions and personal development.
