Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person.
Why do you think this is the case?
What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Due to studies, there has been a trend towards online communicating rather than meeting face-to-face among various adolescents. In this essay, I will shed light on the causes behind that issues, and suggest possible solutions to persuading those teens to meet others directly more.
This trend stems from several factors, two of which are the shyness of teenagers and the convienience of socialing online. The fact that modern parents spending most on their time on working has resulted in their kids having no one to talk to, accordingly becoming coward, shy and introverted. Therefore, electronic devices become their reliable tools to communicate and make friends. Moreover, a message sent online with proper internet connection needs little time to be transported to a friend, thus opting for it to make use of prevent the young adults from going out, saving their time and money.
However, there are still measures that can be taken from parents and friends of those having the tendency to chat indirectly to solve that alarming problem. Parents need to spend more time to communicate with their kids, making them confident and energetic, increasing the appetite for going out of them. Additionally, those teenagers should be informed of the potential risks posed by prolonged exposure to smart devices, making them aware to restrict their time spent on those things. Besides, their friends can deliberately organise meetings and parties to encourage the lazy kids to come out of their home, enjoying the fresh air with those they love.
To conclude, there are many factors contributing to the trend of teens socializing online, however, if the surrounding people notice and persuade them, that will no longer be a problem.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "Due to studies" -> "Owing to research"
   Explanation: "Due to studies" is somewhat vague and doesn’t clearly indicate what kind of studies are being referred to. "Owing to research" is a more formal and precise phrase that better conveys the idea that this trend is based on established findings.

2. "online communicating" -> "online communication"
   Explanation: "Online communicating" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "online communication" to maintain proper noun-verb agreement.

3. "shed light on the causes behind that issues" -> "explore the underlying causes of this phenomenon"
   Explanation: "Shed light on the causes behind that issues" is awkward and informal. "Explore the underlying causes of this phenomenon" is a more formal and precise expression suited for academic writing.

4. "persuading those teens to meet others directly more" -> "encouraging adolescents to engage in face-to-face interactions"
   Explanation: "Persuading those teens to meet others directly more" is clumsy and lacks clarity. "Encouraging adolescents to engage in face-to-face interactions" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea.

5. "shyness of teenagers" -> "adolescent shyness"
   Explanation: "Shyness of teenagers" is grammatically correct but lacks precision. "Adolescent shyness" is a more concise and academically appropriate term.

6. "convienience of socialing online" -> "convenience of online socializing"
   Explanation: "Convienience of socialing online" contains informal language and a non-standard verb form. "Convenience of online socializing" is a grammatically correct and formal alternative.

7. "modern parents spending most on their time on working" -> "modern parents spending the majority of their time working"
   Explanation: "Modern parents spending most on their time on working" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Modern parents spending the majority of their time working" is clearer and more grammatically sound.

8. "accordingly becoming coward" -> "consequently becoming timid"
   Explanation: "Accordingly becoming coward" is grammatically incorrect and uses the noun "coward" instead of the adjective "cowardly." "Consequently becoming timid" is a more appropriate and grammatically correct phrase.

9. "electronic devices become their reliable tools" -> "electronic devices become reliable means"
   Explanation: "Reliable tools" is colloquial; "reliable means" is a more formal alternative that maintains clarity.

10. "make use of prevent the young adults from going out" -> "prevent young adults from going out by providing utility"
    Explanation: "Make use of prevent" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Prevent young adults from going out by providing utility" is a clearer and more grammatically sound phrase.

11. "measures that can be taken from parents and friends" -> "actions that parents and friends can take"
    Explanation: "Measures that can be taken from parents and friends" is awkward and unclear. "Actions that parents and friends can take" is a clearer and more direct phrase.

12. "making them confident and energetic" -> "instilling confidence and energy in them"
    Explanation: "Making them confident and energetic" is grammatically correct but lacks sophistication. "Instilling confidence and energy in them" is a more formal and precise alternative.

13. "increasing the appetite for going out of them" -> "stimulating their desire to socialize"
    Explanation: "Increasing the appetite for going out of them" is awkward and unclear. "Stimulating their desire to socialize" is a clearer and more concise phrase.

14. "informed of the potential risks posed by prolonged exposure to smart devices" -> "educated about the potential risks associated with prolonged use of smart devices"
    Explanation: "Informed of the potential risks posed by prolonged exposure to smart devices" is wordy. "Educated about the potential risks associated with prolonged use of smart devices" is a more concise and formal alternative.

15. "encourage the lazy kids to come out of their home" -> "motivate inactive adolescents to leave their homes"
    Explanation: "Encourage the lazy kids to come out of their home" uses informal language and "lazy" is judgmental. "Motivate inactive adolescents to leave their homes" is more neutral and formal.

16. "if the surrounding people notice and persuade them" -> "if individuals in their environment take notice and encourage them"
    Explanation: "If the surrounding people notice and persuade them" is vague and lacks clarity. "If individuals in their environment take notice and encourage them" is more specific and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question. It acknowledges the phenomenon of teenagers preferring online socializing over in-person meetings and offers explanations for why this might be the case. Additionally, it provides measures that could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting in person. However, the explanations provided are somewhat shallow and lack depth. There is room for a more thorough analysis of the reasons behind the trend and a broader range of potential solutions.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into the underlying causes of why teenagers prefer online socializing and explore a wider range of potential solutions. Providing specific examples or studies to support the arguments would strengthen the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges the trend of teenagers favoring online socializing and proposes measures to address this issue. However, the clarity of the position is somewhat undermined by inconsistent language and vague expressions, such as "alarming problem" without clear delineation of why it is alarming.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should use language that explicitly communicates the stance being taken and avoid ambiguous terms. Additionally, maintaining a consistent tone throughout the essay will help reinforce the clarity of the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the causes behind teenagers’ preference for online socializing and suggests measures to encourage in-person interactions. However, these ideas lack depth and are not sufficiently developed. Additionally, there is limited support provided for the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should extend its ideas by providing more detailed explanations and examples. It could also benefit from incorporating evidence from relevant studies or statistics to support its claims. Developing each idea more thoroughly would strengthen the overall argumentation.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the reasons behind teenagers’ preference for online socializing and proposing measures to promote in-person interactions. However, there are instances where the discussion becomes somewhat tangential, such as the mention of parents’ working habits without a clear connection to the main topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the essay should ensure that all points discussed directly relate to the central theme. Avoiding tangential discussions and maintaining a clear and structured argumentation will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and attempts to address the key points, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of expression, development of ideas, and staying focused on the topic. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a coherent structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are areas where the logical organization could be improved. For instance, in the introduction, the essay briefly mentions two factors contributing to the trend but lacks a clear roadmap of how the subsequent paragraphs will address these factors. Additionally, the body paragraphs could benefit from a more explicit transition between discussing causes and proposing solutions.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction outlining the main points to be discussed in the body paragraphs. Furthermore, ensure smooth transitions between different sections of the essay to guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to structure ideas, but there are issues with paragraph structure and coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear topic sentences, making it challenging for the reader to discern the main point of each paragraph. Additionally, there are instances where ideas within paragraphs could be better organized for clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on structuring each paragraph around a single main idea expressed in a clear topic sentence. Ensure that each paragraph follows a logical progression of ideas, with supporting details and examples provided to strengthen the argument. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter, more focused ones to improve readability and coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay makes some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transitional phrases like "Moreover" and "However." However, there is limited variety, and the connections between ideas could be strengthened to improve coherence.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns, to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used not only to connect ideas within sentences but also to establish relationships between different sections of the essay, reinforcing the overall coherence of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some varied expressions are used, such as "convienience," "coward," "energetic," and "appetite," there is room for improvement in showcasing a broader lexical repertoire. For instance, more diverse synonyms and nuanced vocabulary could enhance the richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and domain-specific terminology where appropriate. Additionally, aim to use descriptive adjectives and adverbs to paint a more vivid picture and avoid repetition of terms.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes lacks precision in vocabulary usage, leading to instances of ambiguity or imprecision. For example, the word "convienience" should be spelled as "convenience," and the term "coward" might not precisely convey the intended meaning of shyness or introversion. Furthermore, phrases like "modern parents spending most on their time on working" could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: Ensure accurate spelling and use vocabulary precisely to convey intended meanings. Consider using a dictionary or thesaurus to verify the meanings and usage of words. Additionally, strive for clarity and specificity in expression by choosing words that accurately reflect your intended message.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "convienience" (convenience), "coward" (could be intended as "introverted" or "shy"), and "socialing" (socializing). These errors, although somewhat infrequent, can detract from the overall professionalism and coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools available in word processing software. Additionally, practice proofreading your essays carefully to catch any spelling errors before submission. Developing a habit of double-checking spelling during the writing process can significantly improve accuracy over time.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, using words more precisely, and ensuring correct spelling, the clarity and sophistication of the essay can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. The essay predominantly consists of simple and compound sentences, with fewer instances of complex structures. For example, "The fact that modern parents spending most on their time on working has resulted in their kids having no one to talk to, accordingly becoming coward, shy and introverted" is a complex sentence that attempts to convey a complex idea, but the expression could be more concise and grammatically accurate.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses and phrases. Additionally, aim for clarity and precision in conveying ideas to avoid confusion. Varying the lengths and structures of sentences can also add rhythm and flow to the essay, making it more engaging for the reader.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays some grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout its content. For instance, "the shyness of teenagers and the convienience of socialing online" contains errors in spelling ("convienience" should be "convenience") and usage ("socialing" should be "socializing"). Additionally, there are inconsistencies in subject-verb agreement and tense usage, such as "modern parents spending most on their time on working" where the verb form does not match the subject properly. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases and incorrect use of commas in compound sentences, are also present.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, consider proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct errors. Focus on common grammatical issues such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper word usage. Utilize grammar resources and guides to reinforce understanding and practice. Pay close attention to punctuation rules, including the use of commas, periods, and apostrophes, to enhance clarity and readability. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or teachers can provide valuable insights for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer online communication over face-to-face interaction. In this essay, I will explore the reasons behind this trend and propose potential solutions to encourage teenagers to engage in direct social interactions more frequently.

One of the main reasons for this trend is adolescent shyness and the convenience of online socializing. With modern parents spending the majority of their time working, adolescents may lack opportunities for direct communication, leading them to become timid and introverted. Consequently, electronic devices become reliable means for them to connect with others and make friends. Additionally, the ease and speed of online communication make it a preferred option, as it saves time and money compared to meeting in person.

Despite these challenges, there are actions that parents and friends can take to address this issue. Firstly, parents should prioritize spending quality time communicating with their children, which can help instill confidence and energy in them, stimulating their desire to socialize face-to-face. Moreover, adolescents need to be educated about the potential risks associated with prolonged use of smart devices, encouraging them to limit their screen time and prioritize real-world interactions. Furthermore, friends can play a crucial role by organizing gatherings and activities to motivate inactive adolescents to leave their homes and enjoy the company of others.

In conclusion, while there are various factors contributing to the preference for online socializing among teenagers, proactive measures from parents, friends, and the individuals themselves can help counter this trend. By fostering a supportive environment that values face-to-face interactions, we can ensure that teenagers develop healthy social skills and relationships.