studying abroad can be an exciting opportunity for many young people. while it may have some advantages, some students prefer to stay home to avoid the difficulties they may have when living in a different culture. what is your opinion

Leaving family and living in other urban areas are common phenomena among people in this modern society. This essay will analyze the causes for these situations and the impact for both individuals and families.

To begin with, in order to have a chance to improve living standard, moving away from familiar cities is unavoidable. Indeed, the majority of people from a small city would live in other larger metropolitans where it is easier to seize the opportunities such as occupation or education. Take Vietnamese highschool students as an example, many of them will seek scholarships from foreign countries which provide a better learning system so that they can study with better facilities and higher quality of knowledge in the curriculum. After that, they may have a Bachelor’s degree or a Master’s degree that are more attractive for massive and multinational corporations. Additionally, lack of jobs which are suitable for individuals’ strength and major is also a reason. For instance, in terms of artificial intelligence, some nations might not have sufficient technology and infrastructure for that field so they will have to move to another region.

As a consequence, Living far from their families may lead to multiple drawbacks. Firstly, The lack of connection among relatives might leave a space between them. Not having time for family gatherings can make people feel more difficult to share and to have a conversation with their relationships about a sophisticated field such as ambition or future plan or even a simple topic like daily routine. Furthermore, without interaction or care from family members might lead to the affliction of a plethora of mental health diseases such as loneliness, depression or anxiety. These will be obstacles for people who live far from their family and if they cannot get through it, it will create a detrimental memory in them or even lead to physical issues.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that moving to another city may offer various education or occupation opportunities. However, it can create a gap between their familiar person or create a harmful impact on their mind.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Leaving family and living in other urban areas" -> "Leaving their families to reside in other urban areas"
Explanation: The phrase "leaving family" is vague and informal. "Leaving their families" clarifies the subject and maintains a formal tone. Adding "to reside" instead of "living" enhances the formality of the sentence structure.
"in this modern society" -> "in contemporary society"
Explanation: "Modern" can be seen as somewhat vague and informal in academic writing. "Contemporary" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"have a chance to improve living standard" -> "have the opportunity to enhance their standard of living"
Explanation: "Have a chance" is informal and imprecise. "Have the opportunity" is more formal and specific. "Enhance their standard of living" is a more precise and formal expression than "improve living standard."
"moving away from familiar cities" -> "moving away from their familiar cities"
Explanation: Adding "their" clarifies the possessive relationship between the people and the cities, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and formality.
"it is easier to seize the opportunities" -> "it is easier to capitalize on the opportunities"
Explanation: "Seize" can be seen as slightly informal and less precise in this context. "Capitalizing on" is a more formal and appropriate term for discussing opportunities in an academic context.
"Take Vietnamese highschool students as an example" -> "Consider Vietnamese high school students as an example"
Explanation: "Take" is too informal for academic writing. "Consider" is more formal and suitable for academic discourse.
"study with better facilities and higher quality of knowledge" -> "study in facilities with better resources and access to higher-quality knowledge"
Explanation: "Study with better facilities and higher quality of knowledge" is awkwardly phrased. The revised version clarifies the meaning and maintains a formal tone.
"a Bachelor’s degree or a Master’s degree that are more attractive" -> "a Bachelor’s or Master’s degree that are more attractive"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and maintains the formal tone.
"lack of jobs which are suitable for individuals’ strength and major" -> "lack of jobs that align with their skills and major"
Explanation: "Individuals’ strength" is unclear and informal. "Skills" is a more precise and formal term in this context.
"some nations might not have sufficient technology and infrastructure for that field" -> "some countries may lack the necessary technology and infrastructure for that field"
Explanation: "Might not have" is less formal and less precise than "may lack," which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"Living far from their families may lead to multiple drawbacks" -> "Living far from their families can result in numerous drawbacks"
Explanation: "May lead to" is less definitive and less formal than "can result in," which is more assertive and suitable for academic writing.
"The lack of connection among relatives might leave a space between them" -> "The lack of connection among relatives may create a distance between them"
Explanation: "Leave a space" is vague and informal. "Create a distance" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"Not having time for family gatherings can make people feel more difficult to share" -> "Lack of time for family gatherings can make it more challenging for people to share"
Explanation: "Make people feel more difficult to share" is awkward and unclear. "Make it more challenging for people to share" is clearer and more formal.
"without interaction or care from family members might lead to the affliction of a plethora of mental health diseases" -> "without interaction or care from family members may lead to a plethora of mental health afflictions"
Explanation: "The affliction of" is awkward and incorrect. "A plethora of mental health afflictions" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.
"These will be obstacles for people who live far from their family" -> "These can pose significant challenges for individuals living far from their families"
Explanation: "Will be obstacles" is less formal and less precise. "Can pose significant challenges" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"it will create a detrimental memory in them or even lead to physical issues" -> "it may create detrimental memories or even lead to physical issues"
Explanation: "A detrimental memory in them" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Detrimental memories" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the general topic of studying abroad and the associated advantages and disadvantages. However, it does not directly respond to the prompt’s request for the writer’s opinion. The essay discusses the causes of moving away and the impacts on individuals and families but fails to clearly state whether the writer believes studying abroad is a positive or negative experience overall.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. For example, the introduction could include a clear thesis statement indicating whether they favor studying abroad or staying home, and the conclusion should summarize this stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a consistent position. While it mentions both the benefits of studying abroad (such as better educational opportunities) and the drawbacks (like mental health issues due to distance from family), it does not clearly advocate for one side. The reader is left uncertain about the writer’s overall viewpoint.
- How to improve: The writer should choose a side and maintain that perspective throughout the essay. They could use phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" to emphasize their stance. Additionally, they should ensure that each paragraph supports this position rather than presenting a balanced view without a clear preference.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for moving away and the potential impacts on mental health. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient examples. For instance, the mention of Vietnamese high school students seeking scholarships could be expanded with more details about the benefits of studying abroad, such as specific skills gained or career advancements.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. They could include statistics, personal anecdotes, or references to studies that illustrate the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad. This would help to substantiate their claims and make the argument more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of moving away for education and work. However, some sections veer slightly off the main point by discussing broader societal trends rather than focusing specifically on the personal decision of studying abroad versus staying home.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. They could create an outline before writing to ensure that all points made are relevant to the question. Additionally, they should avoid introducing unrelated ideas that do not contribute to their argument about studying abroad.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, coherence, and persuasiveness of their essay, potentially raising their band score in the Task Response category.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs are organized around specific themes: the benefits of moving away for better opportunities and the drawbacks of living far from family. For example, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the reasons for relocating, such as improved living standards and educational opportunities. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing opportunities to drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift in focus. For instance, a sentence like "While these opportunities are appealing, they come with significant challenges" could serve as a bridge between the two paragraphs, helping to guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the advantages of moving away, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states the advantages of studying abroad, which would set a clearer expectation for the reader.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each one begins with a clear topic sentence. This will not only clarify the main point but also help the reader follow the argument more easily. Additionally, consider adding a concluding sentence to each paragraph that summarizes the key point discussed, reinforcing the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Indeed," "For instance," and "Additionally," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "As a consequence" at the beginning of the second body paragraph is effective, but there are fewer linking words used throughout the essay, which can lead to a choppy reading experience.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, consider using "On the other hand," "Moreover," or "Conversely" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence in the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices can elevate the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "metropolitans," "scholarships," "infrastructure," and "affliction." However, the use of phrases such as "living standard" and "common phenomena" feels somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. Additionally, some vocabulary choices could be more sophisticated or varied to enhance the overall quality of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For example, instead of "living standard," you could use "quality of life," and instead of "common phenomena," you might say "prevalent trends." Expanding your vocabulary through reading diverse materials can also help.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys meaning, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the impact for both individuals and families" could be more accurately expressed as "the impact on both individuals and families." Additionally, "lack of jobs which are suitable for individuals’ strength and major" could be more clearly stated as "lack of jobs that align with individuals’ skills and qualifications."
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that word choices accurately reflect the intended meaning. Reviewing the context in which words are used can help. For instance, using "impact on" instead of "impact for" can clarify the relationship between the subjects. Practice paraphrasing sentences to find more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "highschool" (should be "high school") and "affliction of a plethora of mental health diseases" (the phrase is awkward, but spelling is correct). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading routine. After writing, take a break before reviewing your work to catch errors more effectively. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify mistakes. Regular practice with spelling exercises can also enhance your skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, careful proofreading, and reading widely can significantly enhance your writing quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some use of conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "in order to have a chance to improve living standard" and "not having time for family gatherings can make people feel more difficult to share" show an attempt to use more sophisticated grammatical forms. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and a lack of variety in sentence beginnings, which can make the writing feel repetitive and less engaging.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and lengths. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "To begin with" or "As a consequence," the writer might use transitional phrases like "Moreover," "In addition," or "Conversely." Additionally, experimenting with different types of complex sentences, such as using relative clauses or participial phrases, would add depth to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "the impact for both individuals and families" should be "the impact on both individuals and families." Additionally, there are capitalization errors, such as "Living" and "The" at the beginning of sentences that should not be capitalized. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences where they are needed to separate clauses for better readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with prepositions and capitalization. A useful strategy is to read the essay aloud, which can help identify awkward phrases and punctuation errors. Furthermore, practicing specific grammar exercises focused on prepositions and conjunctions can reinforce correct usage. Reviewing punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, will also help clarify the writing.

By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their essay, potentially raising their band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Leaving family and residing in other urban areas is a common phenomenon in contemporary society. This essay will analyze the causes of these situations and their impact on both individuals and families.

To begin with, in order to enhance their standard of living, moving away from familiar cities is often necessary. Indeed, the majority of people from smaller towns tend to relocate to larger metropolitan areas where it is easier to capitalize on opportunities such as employment or education. Consider Vietnamese high school students as an example; many of them seek scholarships from foreign countries that provide a better learning system, allowing them to study in facilities with better resources and access to higher-quality knowledge in the curriculum. Consequently, they may obtain a Bachelor’s or Master’s degree that is more attractive to large multinational corporations. Additionally, the lack of jobs that align with individuals’ skills and majors is also a contributing factor. For instance, in the field of artificial intelligence, some countries may lack the necessary technology and infrastructure, prompting individuals to move to regions where such opportunities are available.

As a consequence, living far from their families can result in numerous drawbacks. Firstly, the lack of connection among relatives may create a distance between them. The absence of time for family gatherings can make it more challenging for individuals to share and engage in conversations with their loved ones about complex topics such as ambitions or future plans, or even simple matters like daily routines. Furthermore, without interaction or care from family members, individuals may face a plethora of mental health afflictions, such as loneliness, depression, or anxiety. These can pose significant challenges for those living far from their families, and if they cannot overcome these issues, it may create detrimental memories or even lead to physical health problems.

In conclusion, while moving to another city may offer various educational and occupational opportunities, it can also create a gap between individuals and their loved ones, potentially resulting in harmful impacts on their mental well-being.