Task 1: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The given bar chart demonstrates the number of workers in five different occupations in an area of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

Overall, sales by 2001 and 2008 occupied the top position of the workforce.However ,other fields like accounting,computing and nursing contributed to the small number of employees.Farming had the lowest labor resources.

According to the bar chart, by 2001 sales services ranked first, reaching nearly 160.000 employees, followed by accounting ,which contributed to 70.000.Meanwhile, computing ,the number of people who work in the computing and nursing field only accounted for 60.000 and nearly 60.000,respectively.Finally, the lowest labor resources belonged to farming,reaching 30.000

By 2008,sales had an increase of workforce, increasing to over 160.000 but accounting dropped to less than 60.000.Meanwhile, computing and nursing have an upward trend of laborers,rising to 80.000 and 60.000,respectively.However, the number of farmers decreased noticeably to 20.000

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given bar chart" -> "The bar chart provided"
Explanation: "The given" is somewhat informal and vague; "The bar chart provided" is more precise and formal.
"occupied the top position of the workforce" -> "held the largest proportion of the workforce"
Explanation: "Occupied the top position" is somewhat colloquial; "held the largest proportion" is more specific and formal.
"However,other fields like accounting,computing and nursing" -> "However, other fields such as accounting, computing, and nursing"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "However" corrects the punctuation, and using "such as" instead of "like" improves the formality.
"contributed to the small number of employees" -> "represented a relatively small proportion of employees"
Explanation: "Contributed to the small number" is vague and informal; "represented a relatively small proportion" is more precise and formal.
"Farming had the lowest labor resources" -> "Farming had the smallest labor force"
Explanation: "Labor resources" is not a standard term; "labor force" is the correct and formal term used in academic contexts.
"According to the bar chart, by 2001 sales services ranked first" -> "According to the bar chart, in 2001, sales services led the ranking"
Explanation: "Ranked first" is somewhat informal; "led the ranking" is more precise and formal.
"the number of people who work in the computing and nursing field" -> "the number of professionals in the computing and nursing fields"
Explanation: "The number of people who work in" is redundant and informal; "the number of professionals in" is more concise and formal.
"the lowest labor resources belonged to farming" -> "the smallest labor force was in farming"
Explanation: "Belonged to" is less formal and slightly awkward; "was in" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"By 2008,sales had an increase of workforce" -> "By 2008, the workforce in sales had increased"
Explanation: "An increase of workforce" is grammatically incorrect; "the workforce in sales had increased" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"increasing to over 160.000" -> "increased to over 160,000"
Explanation: "Increasing" should be "increased" for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"accounting dropped to less than 60.000" -> "accounting decreased to fewer than 60,000"
Explanation: "Dropped" is informal and vague; "decreased" is more precise and formal.
"computing and nursing have an upward trend of laborers" -> "computing and nursing showed an upward trend in laborers"
Explanation: "Have an upward trend of laborers" is awkward and unclear; "showed an upward trend in laborers" is clearer and more formal.
"the number of farmers decreased noticeably to 20.000" -> "the number of farmers decreased significantly to 20,000"
Explanation: "Notably" is less formal; "significantly" is more appropriate for academic writing, and "20.000" should be "20,000" for proper punctuation.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, including the highest and lowest employment figures for each year. It also makes some comparisons between the years, but these are not always clear or accurate. For example, the essay states that "sales had an increase of workforce, increasing to over 160.000" but the chart shows that the number of sales workers remained relatively stable between 2001 and 2008.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific and accurate comparisons between the years. For example, the essay could state that the number of sales workers remained relatively stable between 2001 and 2008, while the number of computing workers increased significantly. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the chart. For example, instead of saying that "computing and nursing have an upward trend of laborers", the essay could say that "the number of computing and nursing workers increased between 2001 and 2008".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the main features and comparisons. However, there are some issues with cohesion and paragraphing. While the essay attempts to use cohesive devices, there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer, and some sentences feel mechanical. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the second paragraph could be better organized to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas within and between paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, refining sentence structures to avoid mechanical phrasing and enhancing the clarity of references will contribute to a more cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the chart, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "sales by 2001 and 2008 occupied the top position of the workforce" (which is awkwardly phrased) and "the lowest labor resources belonged to farming" (which could be expressed more clearly). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the context of employment and statistics. Additionally, improving accuracy in word choice and collocation would help convey precise meanings. The writer should also pay attention to spelling and grammatical structures to avoid errors that can impede communication. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can make the writing more engaging and sophisticated.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there is an attempt to convey information clearly, frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation are present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For instance, there are missing spaces after commas and periods, and the phrase "sales by 2001 and 2008 occupied the top position" is awkwardly constructed. The use of numbers is inconsistent, and the overall sentence structure lacks variety.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring that they are used accurately. Additionally, attention should be given to punctuation and spacing to enhance readability. Practicing the use of varied sentence forms and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will contribute to improved grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart illustrates the number of workers in five different occupations in a region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

Overall, sales consistently occupied the top position in the workforce in both years. However, other fields such as accounting, computing, and nursing contributed to a relatively small number of employees. Farming had the lowest labor resources.

According to the bar chart, in 2001, sales services ranked first, reaching nearly 160,000 employees, followed by accounting, which accounted for 70,000. Meanwhile, the number of people working in computing and nursing was approximately 60,000 each. Finally, the lowest labor resources were found in farming, with just 30,000 employees.

By 2008, the sales sector experienced an increase in workforce, rising to over 160,000, while accounting saw a decline to less than 60,000. In contrast, both computing and nursing exhibited an upward trend in laborers, increasing to 80,000 and 60,000, respectively. However, the number of farmers decreased noticeably to 20,000.