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Task 1: The graph below shows the percentage of the Australian workforce in five industries between 1962 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Task 1: The graph below shows the percentage of the Australian workforce in five industries between 1962 and 2012.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates the proportion of Australian workers in five different sectors over a period of 50 years.

Overall, the number of labour force in Services sector was highest, while the figure for Mining was lowest during the period shown.

In 1962, the percentage of worker in Services accounted for more than 50%, while the figures for the other four industries were below 30%, to be specific, 26% in Manufacturing, 11% in Agricultural, 9% in Construction and 1% in Mining. 10 years later, although there was a gradual growth in the number of Services workers to around 60%, the proportion of the rest industries remained constant.

From 1072 to 2012, employees in Services sector increased constantly and reached a peak of 78%. By contrast, the number of people involved in Manufacturing declined steadily to onl 10% in 2012.Figure for Agriculture also showed a similar trend, dropping to 5% at the end of the period. Meanwhile, the number of workers in Construction and Mininng stayed relatively stable, around 10% and 2%, over the 40-year period.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "labour force" -> "workforce"
    Explanation: "Workforce" is a more formal and commonly used term to refer to the collective employees or laborers within a specific industry or sector.

  2. "worker in Services" -> "workers in the Services sector"
    Explanation: Using the plural "workers" and specifying the sector as "Services sector" enhances clarity and grammatical accuracy.

  3. "to be specific" -> "specifically"
    Explanation: "Specifically" is a more concise and appropriate adverb to introduce precise information.

  4. "From 1072 to 2012" -> "From 1972 to 2012"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo in the year "1072" to "1972" aligns with the context of the essay, which discusses a period of 50 years.

  5. "reached a peak of 78%" -> "peaked at 78%"
    Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "peaked at 78%" improves clarity and conciseness.

  6. "declined steadily to onl 10%" -> "declined steadily to only 10%"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "only" improves the accuracy of the sentence.

  7. "Figure for Agriculture also showed a similar trend" -> "The figure for Agriculture also exhibited a similar trend"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for grammatical correctness and clarity, and using "exhibited" instead of "showed" enhances formality.

  8. "over the 40-year period" -> "over the 50-year period"
    Explanation: Correcting the inconsistency in the stated period from "40-year" to "50-year" aligns with the context of the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the graph and making relevant comparisons. It provides a clear overview of the main trends in the percentage of Australian workers in five industries over a 50-year period. Key features such as the dominance of the Services sector, the decline in Manufacturing and Agriculture, and the stability in Construction and Mining are highlighted. However, some aspects could be more fully developed, such as providing more detailed comparisons between the industries over time.

How to improve:
To improve, consider expanding on the comparisons between the industries, especially regarding their changes over time. Provide more specific details and perhaps analyze the reasons behind the trends observed in the graph. Additionally, ensure clarity and accuracy in presenting the data, avoiding any inaccuracies or vague statements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent structure overall with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. It starts with an overview statement and follows a logical progression in presenting the information from 1962 to 2012. Each paragraph focuses on a specific industry and its trends over time, providing a clear central topic within each paragraph. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences. For instance, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that affect the flow of ideas. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is effective in some instances but could be improved for smoother transitions between ideas. Paragraphing is used, but there are inconsistencies in logic and organization within paragraphs, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion on 1962 transitions to 1972 without a clear break. Overall, while the essay presents information coherently and demonstrates a clear progression, there are areas where cohesion could be strengthened for better clarity and flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on improving sentence structure and grammar to ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases more effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs logically. Additionally, ensure consistent and logical paragraphing throughout the essay to improve organization and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering various sectors and time periods. The use of vocabulary related to industries ("Services sector," "Manufacturing," "Agricultural," "Construction," "Mining") is appropriate and relevant. There is an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary ("labour force," "proportion"), although some inaccuracies occur ("to be specific" could be omitted for smoother flow). Some errors in word choice and word formation are present ("employees" instead of "workers" in some instances, "Mininng" instead of "Mining"), but they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve, focus on refining word choice and ensuring accuracy in spelling and word formation. Additionally, strive for smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance overall coherence and cohesion. Consider varying sentence structures for greater fluency and clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, covering the main features of the graph. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. Despite these errors, communication is not significantly impeded, and the main trends in the data are conveyed.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures with greater accuracy. Review grammar rules and punctuation usage to minimize errors. Practice writing complex sentences to express ideas more precisely and clearly. Additionally, proofreading and editing thoroughly can help catch and correct mistakes before final submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph delineates the fluctuating percentages of the Australian workforce across five distinct sectors spanning five decades.

Initially, in 1962, the Services sector boasted the highest employment rate, exceeding 50%, while the figures for Manufacturing, Agricultural, Construction, and Mining sectors stood below 30%, notably at 26%, 11%, 9%, and 1%, respectively. Notably, by 1972, despite a gradual uptick in Services employment to approximately 60%, the proportions in the other industries remained relatively stable.

Between 1972 and 2012, the Services sector experienced a consistent upward trajectory, peaking at 78% by the conclusion of the period. In stark contrast, the Manufacturing sector witnessed a steady decline, plummeting to a mere 10% by 2012. Similarly, Agricultural employment mirrored this trend, diminishing to 5% over the same duration. Conversely, Construction and Mining sectors maintained a relative stability, hovering around 10% and 2%, respectively, throughout the four-decade span.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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