Task 1: The graph shows the number of people taking part in 4 kinds of sports in a particular region between 1985 and 2005.

Detailed in the line graph is how many individuals got involved in 4 kinds of sports in a particular region, data being recorded over the course of 20 years, commencing from 1985.
As can be inferred from the line graph, the number of those playing tennis saw an upward progression, contrasting with the figures for rugby seeing a downward trend whilst the statistics of basketball and badminton players witnessed a period of stability. Another striking feature is that the data on sporter of rugby was highest in 1985, but from 1985 to 2005, the largest one belonged to that of tennis.
In 1985, the number of people participating in rugby topped the list with around 240, compared to those joining tennis with precisely 150 people. In the following 20 years, the former figure dropped dramatically to exactly 50 people whereas the latter figure climbed significantly to just over 200 people in the final year, respectively. Also in the first year, approximately 80 individuals in the basketball bracket ranked third, in comparison to the number of those playing badminton with north of 50 people. Both these figures remained almost unchanged at more or less 50 for the latter and shy of 80 for the former during the period surveyed.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Detailed in the line graph" -> "Illustrated in the line graph"
Explanation: "Detailed" is somewhat vague and less precise in this context. "Illustrated" more accurately describes the presentation of data in a graph, aligning better with academic language.
"got involved in" -> "participated in"
Explanation: "Got involved in" is somewhat informal and colloquial for academic writing. "Participated in" is more formal and appropriate for describing activities in a scholarly context.
"kinds of sports" -> "sports"
Explanation: The term "kinds of sports" is redundant. Simply using "sports" is sufficient and more concise.
"data being recorded over the course of 20 years" -> "data recorded over a 20-year period"
Explanation: "Data being recorded" is awkward and verbose. "Data recorded over a 20-year period" is more direct and formal.
"commencing from" -> "beginning from"
Explanation: "Commencing from" is slightly archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing. "Beginning from" is more straightforward and appropriate.
"the number of those playing tennis saw an upward progression" -> "the number of tennis players increased"
Explanation: "Saw an upward progression" is verbose and less precise. "Increased" is straightforward and maintains the formal tone.
"contrasting with the figures for rugby seeing a downward trend" -> "in contrast to the downward trend in rugby"
Explanation: "Contrasting with the figures for rugby seeing a downward trend" is awkward and redundant. "In contrast to the downward trend in rugby" simplifies and clarifies the comparison.
"the statistics of basketball and badminton players witnessed a period of stability" -> "the numbers of basketball and badminton participants remained stable"
Explanation: "The statistics of" is less precise and slightly informal. "The numbers of" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"sporter of rugby" -> "rugby participants"
Explanation: "Sporter" is not a standard term and is likely a typo or misuse. "Rugby participants" is the correct and formal term.
"the largest one belonged to that of tennis" -> "the largest number belonged to tennis"
Explanation: "The largest one" is vague and informal. "The largest number" is more specific and formal.
"the number of people participating in rugby topped the list" -> "the number of rugby participants led the list"
Explanation: "Topped the list" is slightly informal and colloquial. "Led the list" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"dropped dramatically" -> "declined significantly"
Explanation: "Dropped dramatically" is an idiom that may sound too informal for academic writing. "Declined significantly" is more precise and formal.
"climbed significantly" -> "increased substantially"
Explanation: "Climbed" is metaphorical and less formal. "Increased substantially" is straightforward and maintains an academic tone.
"in the basketball bracket" -> "in basketball"
Explanation: "In the basketball bracket" is awkward and unclear. "In basketball" is simpler and more direct.
"north of 50 people" -> "more than 50 people"
Explanation: "North of" is an informal expression and less precise. "More than" is straightforward and appropriate for academic writing.
"shy of 80 for the former" -> "short of 80 for basketball"
Explanation: "Shy of" is an informal idiom. "Short of" is more formal and clear, and specifying "for basketball" clarifies the subject.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the number of people playing tennis saw an upward progression, but it does not provide any specific details about the rate of increase. Similarly, the essay states that the number of people playing rugby saw a downward trend, but it does not provide any specific details about the rate of decrease.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends in the graph. For example, the essay could state that the number of people playing tennis increased by approximately 50 people per year, or that the number of people playing rugby decreased by approximately 10 people per year. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific examples of the key features of the graph. For example, the essay could state that the number of people playing tennis was highest in 2005, or that the number of people playing rugby was lowest in 2005.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information coherently and shows a clear overall progression. The structure is logical, with a clear introduction and body paragraphs that discuss the data. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where referencing could be clearer. The paragraphing is present but not always effectively utilized, as some ideas could be better grouped to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally to connect ideas. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., clearly indicating which sport is being discussed) and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic would also enhance coherence. Additionally, organizing the information into more distinct paragraphs could help improve overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary that is suitable for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "upward progression," "downward trend," and "dramatically," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "sporter of rugby" instead of "rugby players." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "north of 50 people" which is an awkward phrasing. These errors do not completely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. For instance, replacing phrases like "saw an upward progression" with "experienced an increase" would improve clarity. Additionally, avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring correct word forms will help in achieving a higher band score. Expanding the range of vocabulary used, particularly with more sophisticated and varied expressions, can also contribute to a better score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some good attempts at using varied structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the largest one belonged to that of tennis" are awkwardly constructed, and the term "sporter" is incorrect in this context. Overall, the communication is maintained, but the errors are frequent enough to detract from the overall quality.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures while ensuring accuracy. This can include using subordinate clauses effectively.
Proofreading for Errors: Carefully check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, replacing "sporter" with "participants" would improve clarity.
Punctuation Practice: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid errors that may confuse the reader. Proper use of commas and periods can enhance readability.
Consistent Tense Usage: Ensure that the tense remains consistent throughout the essay to avoid confusion.

Bài sửa mẫu

Detailed in the line graph is the number of individuals involved in four kinds of sports in a particular region, with data recorded over the course of 20 years, commencing from 1985.

As can be inferred from the line graph, the number of people playing tennis saw an upward progression, contrasting with the figures for rugby, which experienced a downward trend, while the statistics for basketball and badminton players exhibited a period of stability. Another striking feature is that the data for rugby participants was highest in 1985, but from 1985 to 2005, the largest figure belonged to tennis.

In 1985, the number of people participating in rugby topped the list with around 240, compared to those playing tennis, which had precisely 150 participants. In the following 20 years, the former figure dropped dramatically to exactly 50 individuals, whereas the latter figure climbed significantly to just over 200 participants in the final year. Additionally, in the first year, approximately 80 individuals in the basketball category ranked third, in comparison to the number of those playing badminton, which was north of 50 participants. Both these figures remained almost unchanged at around 50 for badminton and just shy of 80 for basketball during the period surveyed.