Task 2: In some countries, young people have become richer, healthier, and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?
Task 2: In some countries, young people have become richer, healthier, and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?
The recent years have witnessed a decrease in the happiness levels of young people in certain countries, even though they have a wealthier, healthier and longer life. This essay will elaborate on the prime culprit behind this phenomenon and provide potential solutions.
There are several factors that can contribute to unhappiness among the young. First of all, the improvement in life quality could be blamed for this lower level of delight in some aspects. To be specific, since most youngsters now have a sufficient life with all the basics and necessities, they are under pressure to become more successful than people in the past. Accordingly, their standards of happiness become much higher, leading to a tendency to be less satisfied with their life. In addition, it is also the social media influence that can be another explanation for this phenomenon. In fact, the use of media is pervasive these days with numerous contents about academic, professional or financial achievements on social platforms, which might result in peer pressure then stress among adolescents. Both mentioned reasons indicate that only with a rich, healthy and longer life, young people could not be glad and fulfilled.
To tackle this issue, there are a plethora of methods, and one of them is launching a media campaign. In detail, due to the law about the freedom of speech, it is impossible to restrict achievement-related content, thereby a better idea is running a media program about the importance of an individual's values for the young, and the perilous damage of placing high expectations on this generation for the old, especially those who have young children. As a result, not only do youngsters realize their own talent and strength, but they can also be less stressful about becoming a successful person.
In conclusion, while there are a myriad of factors behind the deterioration in the rate of happiness among young individuals nowadays, it can be handled by effective solutions.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The recent years" -> "Recent years"
Explanation: Removing the definite article "the" before "years" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the formal academic style by avoiding unnecessary specificity. -
"wealthier, healthier and longer life" -> "increased wealth, improved health, and longer lifespan"
Explanation: Using "increased wealth," "improved health," and "longer lifespan" provides a more precise and formal description of the advancements in quality of life. -
"elaborate on the prime culprit" -> "analyze the primary cause"
Explanation: "Analyze" is more academically appropriate than "elaborate on," which can imply a more casual or detailed description rather than a formal analysis. -
"could be blamed for" -> "may contribute to"
Explanation: "May contribute to" is a more precise and less accusatory phrase, suitable for academic writing, which avoids blame and focuses on causality. -
"sufficient life with all the basics and necessities" -> "adequate living conditions with basic necessities"
Explanation: "Adequate living conditions with basic necessities" is more specific and formal, improving clarity and precision. -
"standards of happiness become much higher" -> "happiness standards become significantly higher"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase to "happiness standards" clarifies the subject and "significantly" is a more formal adverb than "much." -
"tendency to be less satisfied" -> "tendency to feel less satisfied"
Explanation: Adding "feel" clarifies the emotional aspect of satisfaction, enhancing the precision of the statement. -
"it is also the social media influence" -> "social media influence is also"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves the flow and clarity of the sentence, aligning with formal academic style. -
"pervasive these days" -> "widespread today"
Explanation: "Widespread today" is more formal and precise than "pervasive these days," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"numerous contents about academic, professional or financial achievements" -> "numerous content types focusing on academic, professional, and financial achievements"
Explanation: "Content types" is more specific and formal than "contents," and adding "and" before "financial" corrects the list structure. -
"peer pressure then stress" -> "peer pressure, which can lead to stress"
Explanation: Adding "which can lead to" clarifies the causal relationship between peer pressure and stress, enhancing the academic tone. -
"launching a media campaign" -> "conducting a media campaign"
Explanation: "Conducting" is a more formal verb choice than "launching" in this context, fitting better with the academic style. -
"due to the law about the freedom of speech" -> "due to the constraints imposed by freedom of speech laws"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the meaning and avoids the awkward phrasing of the original, aligning with formal academic language. -
"the perilous damage of placing high expectations" -> "the detrimental effects of placing high expectations"
Explanation: "Detrimental effects" is a more precise and formal term than "perilous damage," which is somewhat metaphorical and less specific. -
"the old, especially those who have young children" -> "older individuals, particularly those with young children"
Explanation: "Older individuals" is more formal and specific than "the old," and "particularly" is more appropriate than "especially" in formal writing.
These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the causes of decreased happiness among young people despite improvements in wealth, health, and life expectancy. It identifies two main causes: higher standards of happiness due to improved living conditions and the influence of social media creating peer pressure and stress.
- How to improve: To enhance completeness, the essay could delve deeper into the implications of these causes, perhaps by providing specific examples or statistics that illustrate the impact on young people’s mental well-being.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that acknowledges the issue of decreased happiness among young people and proposes media campaigns as a solution. The position is consistent throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly connect the proposed solutions with the identified causes, showing a more direct link between understanding the problem and addressing it through media campaigns.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented and supported adequately. For instance, the essay discusses the causes of unhappiness with examples (higher standards of happiness, social media influence) and proposes a solution (media campaigns promoting individual values).
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could further develop ideas by exploring alternative solutions or anticipating potential objections to the proposed media campaigns, demonstrating a deeper engagement with the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing both causes of decreased happiness and suggesting solutions related to media campaigns.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay could avoid generalizations and ensure that each point directly relates to the prompt. Additionally, deeper analysis of how these causes specifically affect happiness levels could strengthen relevance.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and offers coherent arguments with a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed explanations, deeper analysis of the causes’ implications, and stronger connections between causes and proposed solutions. These refinements could elevate the essay to a higher band score by enhancing its depth and relevance.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction sets up the discussion by identifying the issue and the essay’s approach. However, the body paragraphs could be more tightly connected to each other. For instance, the transition between discussing the causes of unhappiness (wealth, higher standards, social media influence) and the solutions (media campaign) feels somewhat abrupt, lacking a smoother flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or topic sentences that explicitly connect one idea to the next. Ensure each paragraph builds upon the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative that guides the reader through the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument, such as causes and solutions. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, which aids clarity and organization.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of the paragraph. This will help readers quickly grasp the focus of each section and follow the argument more smoothly.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as linking words ("first of all," "in addition," "as a result") and pronouns ("this phenomenon," "these reasons"). These devices help to connect ideas within and between sentences.
- How to improve: To improve coherence, aim to incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as synonyms ("factors," "elements"), parallel structures ("not only… but also"), and referencing words ("these," "those"). This diversification can strengthen the essay’s overall coherence and cohesion.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the essay prompt and presents a clear argument, there are opportunities for improvement in enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to strengthen coherence. These adjustments can help elevate the essay to a higher band score by ensuring a smoother and more cohesive presentation of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms like "phenomenon," "culprit," "plethora," "perilous," and "achievement-related." These choices enhance the clarity and depth of the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To further enrich lexical variety, consider integrating more nuanced synonyms or exploring alternate phrasing where possible. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young people," phrases like "adolescents," "youth," or "young adults" could diversify expression without compromising clarity.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally precise, such as in phrases like "prime culprit," "perilous damage," and "achievement-related content." However, there are instances where more precise vocabulary could enhance specificity. For example, replacing "media program" with "awareness campaign" could sharpen the focus.
- How to improve: Aim for consistency in using precise vocabulary throughout the essay. Be mindful of the specific connotations of words chosen and ensure they align precisely with the intended meaning to avoid ambiguity or generalization.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. Most words are spelled correctly, with only minor errors observed (e.g., "media" instead of "medium" in the context of social media).
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools consistently and reviewing each draft meticulously. Focus on commonly misspelled words and practice writing under timed conditions to develop greater accuracy.
Overall, while the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary and adequately precise language, further enhancing lexical variety and precision could elevate the coherence and impact of the arguments presented. Strengthening spelling accuracy through systematic proofreading and practice will also contribute to achieving higher band scores consistently.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences ("There are several factors that can contribute…"), conditional clauses ("if they are under pressure…"), and passive voice ("could be blamed for this lower level of delight…"). These structures enhance clarity and complexity, contributing positively to the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more rhetorical questions, inverted sentences for emphasis, and parallel structures for balanced expression. These additions can elevate the sophistication of your writing and engage the reader more effectively.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates strong grammatical accuracy with only minor errors. For instance, there are occasional issues with article usage ("the law about the freedom of speech") and preposition placement ("a media campaign."). Punctuation is generally well-handled, though there are a few instances where commas could be used more effectively to clarify meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on mastering the correct use of articles (definite and indefinite) in various contexts to improve precision and clarity. Additionally, pay closer attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences and after introductory elements. Practicing these aspects will refine your grammatical accuracy and enhance the overall readability of your essays.
Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, effectively supporting the awarded Band Score of 7. With continued practice in varying sentence structures and refining grammatical nuances, you can further strengthen your writing and approach higher band scores in the future.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, some countries have observed a decline in the happiness levels of young people, despite their increased wealth, improved health, and longer lifespan. This essay aims to identify the primary causes of this trend and propose potential solutions.
There are several factors contributing to the unhappiness among young individuals. Firstly, the enhanced quality of life may be partly to blame for their decreased satisfaction. Specifically, as young people now enjoy adequate living conditions with basic necessities, they face heightened expectations to surpass previous generations’ achievements. Consequently, their happiness standards have risen, leading to a tendency to feel less content with their lives. Moreover, the pervasive influence of social media also plays a significant role in this phenomenon. Nowadays, social platforms are flooded with various content types focusing on academic, professional, and financial achievements, fostering peer pressure and subsequent stress among adolescents.
To address this issue, various strategies can be implemented. One effective approach could involve conducting a media campaign. Given the constraints imposed by freedom of speech laws, instead of restricting achievement-oriented content, a more viable solution would be to launch a media initiative emphasizing the importance of individual values to young people. Furthermore, highlighting the detrimental effects of placing excessively high expectations on the younger generation, especially those with young children, could help alleviate their stress and anxiety about achieving success.
In conclusion, while multiple factors contribute to the declining happiness levels among today’s youth, effective solutions can mitigate these effects. By promoting intrinsic values and managing societal expectations, we can foster a healthier and more fulfilling environment for young people.