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TASK 2: Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

TASK 2: Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent times, people have different views with regard to the best way to create a more pleasant society being to bridge the financial gap between the wealthiest and poorest citizens. Personally, I disagree with this argument for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay.

On the one hand, I can understand why many people think that governments could minimize the rich-poor gap, causing a positive and happy community. There is no denying that if the poorest citizens have enough budget to meet basic survival demands such as food, shelter and healthcare, they could lead a happier life. For example, when residents have not been put under financial strain, they would pay closer attention to enhance their society or community. Furthermore, the rich people could invest more money to upgrade public infrastructure like schools, hospitals and parks, when they have not dedicated time and energy to pursue a prestigious life or luxury things, reflecting the higher status in society. As a result, most citizens could contribute something positive to society, when there would be no differences between the rich and poor residents.

Conversely, I believe that there are more compelling ways to create a healthier society. People should recognize that a happy community comes from small objects surrounding us such as a person could follow his or her dream, or having a family reunion in a special event. Governments and local councils, therefore, could provide sufficient job opportunities so that citizens could pay all household bills and could spend more money taking regular holidays with their families. Finally, it is necessary to incentivize residents applying technological knowledge to develop their abilities and skills that are attributed to a prosperous society.

In conclusion, I could share the idea of people putting more attention to the rich-poor gap, however, I hold a firm belief that we could form a happier society from simple things.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "people have different views with regard to" -> "there are differing opinions regarding"
    Explanation: "There are differing opinions regarding" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  2. "being to bridge" -> "concerning bridging"
    Explanation: "Concerning bridging" is more direct and formal, improving the clarity and flow of the sentence.

  3. "the wealthiest and poorest citizens" -> "the wealthiest and most impoverished citizens"
    Explanation: "Most impoverished" is a more precise and formal term than "poorest," which is somewhat colloquial.

  4. "I disagree with this argument" -> "I oppose this viewpoint"
    Explanation: "Oppose" is a more formal synonym for "disagree," fitting better in academic writing.

  5. "which will be analyzed in this essay" -> "which will be discussed in this essay"
    Explanation: "Discussed" is more appropriate in academic contexts than "analyzed," which can imply a more technical or scientific analysis.

  6. "could minimize the rich-poor gap" -> "could reduce the wealth disparity"
    Explanation: "Reduce the wealth disparity" is a more precise and formal expression than "minimize the rich-poor gap."

  7. "causing a positive and happy community" -> "resulting in a more harmonious and prosperous community"
    Explanation: "Resulting in a more harmonious and prosperous community" is more specific and formal, avoiding the colloquial tone of "happy."

  8. "enough budget to meet basic survival demands" -> "adequate financial resources to meet basic survival needs"
    Explanation: "Adequate financial resources" is more formal and precise than "enough budget," and "needs" is preferred over "demands" in this context.

  9. "they would pay closer attention to enhance their society or community" -> "they would focus more on improving their community"
    Explanation: "Focus more on improving" is clearer and more direct than "pay closer attention to enhance," which is awkwardly phrased.

  10. "the rich people could invest more money" -> "the affluent could invest more"
    Explanation: "The affluent" is a more formal term than "the rich people," and "invest more" is more concise.

  11. "pursue a prestigious life or luxury things" -> "pursue a prestigious lifestyle or luxury items"
    Explanation: "Lifestyle" and "items" are more precise and formal than "life" and "things."

  12. "most citizens could contribute something positive to society" -> "most citizens could contribute positively to society"
    Explanation: "Contribute positively" is grammatically correct and more formal than "contribute something positive."

  13. "there would be no differences between the rich and poor residents" -> "there would be no disparity between the affluent and the impoverished"
    Explanation: "Disparity" is a more formal term than "differences," and "affluent" and "impoverished" are more precise than "rich" and "poor."

  14. "a happy community comes from small objects surrounding us" -> "a happy community arises from small aspects of our surroundings"
    Explanation: "Arises from" is more formal than "comes from," and "aspects of our surroundings" is more precise than "small objects surrounding us."

  15. "a person could follow his or her dream" -> "an individual could pursue their aspirations"
    Explanation: "Pursue their aspirations" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "his or her dream."

  16. "having a family reunion in a special event" -> "hosting family gatherings on special occasions"
    Explanation: "Hosting family gatherings on special occasions" is more formal and specific than "having a family reunion in a special event."

  17. "could pay all household bills" -> "could cover all household expenses"
    Explanation: "Cover all household expenses" is a more formal and precise expression than "pay all household bills."

  18. "could spend more money taking regular holidays" -> "could allocate more funds for regular vacations"
    Explanation: "Allocate more funds for regular vacations" is more formal and precise than "could spend more money taking regular holidays."

  19. "incentivize residents applying technological knowledge" -> "encourage residents to apply technological knowledge"
    Explanation: "Encourage" is more appropriate than "incentivize" in this context, and "to apply" is grammatically correct.

  20. "attributed to a prosperous society" -> "contributing to a prosperous society"
    Explanation: "Contributing to" is more accurate and formal than "attributed to," which is less commonly used in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that minimizing the income gap is the best way to create a happier society. The writer acknowledges the opposing viewpoint in the first paragraph, which shows an understanding of the topic. However, the response could have been more balanced by providing a more thorough exploration of the argument for reducing income disparity, rather than just acknowledging it briefly.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should include a more detailed discussion of the potential benefits of reducing income inequality. This could involve presenting specific examples or statistics that illustrate how a smaller income gap might contribute to societal happiness, thereby providing a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of reducing the income gap as the primary solution for societal happiness. The writer consistently emphasizes their belief that happiness stems from simpler, more personal aspects of life. However, the transition between acknowledging the opposing viewpoint and presenting their own could be smoother to reinforce the clarity of their stance.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use clearer transition phrases when shifting from discussing the opposing view to their own. For instance, explicitly stating, "While some argue that reducing income inequality is essential, I believe…" would help in reinforcing their position throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of job opportunities and personal happiness derived from simple pleasures. However, these ideas are not always fully developed or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the mention of job opportunities is relevant, but it lacks specific examples or data that could strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate their points. For instance, discussing a specific country or community that has successfully created job opportunities leading to increased happiness could provide stronger support for their argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the prompt’s discussion of societal happiness and income disparity. However, there are moments where the connection between the ideas presented and the main argument could be clearer. For instance, the mention of "small objects surrounding us" could be elaborated to directly tie back to the theme of societal happiness.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central argument of the essay. Adding a brief explanation of how each point contributes to the overall argument would help in maintaining relevance and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from more detailed exploration of opposing viewpoints, stronger supporting examples, and clearer connections between ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is organized into clear sections: an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively presents the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct viewpoint, with the first discussing the potential benefits of minimizing the wealth gap and the second presenting alternative methods to achieve a happier society. This logical progression aids the reader’s understanding. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the shift from discussing happiness derived from small objects to job opportunities feels abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, after discussing the importance of small joys, you could introduce the next point with a phrase like, "In addition to these personal joys, creating job opportunities is crucial for societal happiness." This would help create a more seamless connection between the ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the writer maintains focus within each section. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the writer’s position but could reinforce the main points discussed in the body paragraphs for better cohesion.
    • How to improve: Start each body paragraph with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For example, in the second body paragraph, a sentence like "While addressing the wealth gap is important, there are more effective strategies to foster happiness in society" would clarify the paragraph’s focus. Additionally, reiterating key points in the conclusion can help reinforce the essay’s overall argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("and," "however") and referencing ("this," "these"). These devices help maintain coherence throughout the text. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied; for instance, the essay relies heavily on simple conjunctions and could benefit from more complex structures or phrases to enhance sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating phrases such as "on the contrary," "in contrast," or "furthermore" to connect ideas more elegantly. Additionally, using synonyms or paraphrasing can help avoid repetition and improve the overall flow. For example, instead of repeatedly using "happy society," you might alternate with "content community" or "joyful environment" to maintain reader engagement.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "financial gap," "basic survival demands," and "public infrastructure." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "rich-poor gap" and "happy community." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the overall lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "rich" and "poor," you could use "affluent" and "underprivileged." Additionally, try to explore more complex vocabulary related to societal issues, such as "economic disparity," "socioeconomic status," or "community well-being."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "having a family reunion in a special event," which could be more clearly expressed as "celebrating special occasions with family." The phrase "dedicated time and energy to pursue a prestigious life or luxury things" is also vague; it could be more effectively articulated.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on the specific meanings of words and phrases. For example, instead of "luxury things," consider using "luxury items" or "luxurious lifestyles." Additionally, ensure that phrases clearly convey the intended meaning; for instance, rephrase "small objects surrounding us" to "everyday experiences" for clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no major errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "could pay all household bills" which could be more effectively phrased as "could manage their household expenses."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to read through the essay slowly, checking for any spelling or typographical errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify mistakes that may be overlooked during the writing process.

Overall, while the essay meets the criteria for a Band 6 in Lexical Resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy will help elevate the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like “if the poorest citizens have enough budget to meet basic survival demands” and “when residents have not been put under financial strain” showcase the use of conditional structures effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar structures, such as “Governments and local councils, therefore, could provide…” which could be varied further to enhance the flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases or clauses to vary the rhythm of the writing. For example, instead of starting sentences with “Governments and local councils,” try rephrasing to “To address this issue, governments and local councils could…” Additionally, incorporating more passive voice or participial phrases can add variety, such as “Having recognized the importance of job opportunities, governments should…”
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are a few errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase “the richest and poorest members” should be “the richest and poorest members of society” for clarity. Additionally, the sentence “when they have not dedicated time and energy to pursue a prestigious life or luxury things” could be improved by changing “luxury things” to “luxurious items” for better word choice. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before “however” in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for common errors and consider the clarity of expressions. Focus on refining word choices and ensuring that phrases are complete and contextually appropriate. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses effectively, especially in complex sentences. For example, “In conclusion, I could share the idea of people putting more attention to the rich-poor gap; however, I hold a firm belief…” would be clearer with a semicolon instead of a comma.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy, showcasing a more sophisticated command of English grammar and structure.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there are differing opinions concerning the best way to create a more pleasant society, particularly regarding bridging the financial gap between the wealthiest and most impoverished citizens. Personally, I oppose this viewpoint for several reasons, which will be discussed in this essay.

On the one hand, I can understand why many people believe that governments could minimize the rich-poor gap, resulting in a positive and happy community. There is no denying that if the poorest citizens have adequate financial resources to meet basic survival needs such as food, shelter, and healthcare, they could lead a happier life. For example, when residents are not under financial strain, they would focus more on improving their community. Furthermore, the affluent could invest more money to upgrade public infrastructure like schools, hospitals, and parks, rather than dedicating time and energy to pursue a prestigious lifestyle or luxury items that reflect higher status in society. As a result, most citizens could contribute positively to society, as there would be no disparity between the affluent and the impoverished.

Conversely, I believe that there are more compelling ways to create a healthier society. People should recognize that a happy community arises from small aspects of our surroundings, such as an individual being able to pursue their aspirations or hosting family gatherings on special occasions. Therefore, governments and local councils could provide sufficient job opportunities so that citizens could cover all household expenses and allocate more funds for regular vacations with their families. Finally, it is necessary to encourage residents to apply technological knowledge, which could develop their abilities and skills, contributing to a prosperous society.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge the importance of addressing the rich-poor gap, I firmly believe that we can form a happier society through simple, everyday aspects of life.

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