Task 2: Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure there is only a small difference between the earnings of its richest and poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this economically driven world, the rich are getting richer and the opposite situation is seen for the poor. Therefore, a debate has arisen whether people should make sure that there is only a little difference between the income of the richest and the poorest to provide a happier society. From my perspective, I agree with this point, but the difference/gap should be sensible.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that reducing the earnings gap can offer people a reduction in their financial stress burden. it is due to the fact that if such an approach were to be carried out, the disadvantaged people’s motivation could be promoted by financial gap decline with the wealth, facilitating occupation opportunities for everyone. For instance, Norway residents, who are given progressive taxation by the government, prevent income inequality so people don’t have to take into account financial discrimination.
However, not only could this alteration bring potential advantage, but it could also have a latent demerit if it was not operated properly, which can lead to a sense of over reliance among people. Perhaps individuals will rely on the perk that they are provided, resulting in lack of determination in their work or low level of performance. Hence, regardless of people's desire, a suitable difference between the earnings could be a more effective method than the aforementioned idea. I am convinced by this line for the reason that it could be capable of solving both problems relating to people satisfaction and work performance by its ability to encourage people work dedication and social gap decrease.
To sum up, I have an agreement with this idea, as long as change for the income is appropriate, rather than to remove economic differences completely.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this economically driven world" -> "In this economically driven society"
Explanation: The term "society" is more appropriate than "world" in this context, as it specifically refers to the social structure and relationships within a particular region or community, which is more relevant to the discussion about income inequality.
"the rich are getting richer and the opposite situation is seen for the poor" -> "the wealthy are accumulating wealth, while the poor are experiencing a decline in their economic status"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal and vague. The suggested revision clarifies the direction of change and uses more precise language suitable for an academic essay.
"a debate has arisen" -> "a debate has emerged"
Explanation: "Emerged" is a more formal and precise term than "arisen," which is somewhat less commonly used in academic writing.
"make sure that there is only a little difference" -> "ensure a minimal difference"
Explanation: "Ensure" is more formal than "make sure," and "minimal" is more precise than "a little," which is vague and informal.
"the difference/gap" -> "the disparity"
Explanation: "Disparity" is a more specific and academically appropriate term for discussing differences in income levels.
"it is undeniable" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term than "undeniable," which can imply a stronger assertion.
"reducing the earnings gap can offer people a reduction in their financial stress burden" -> "reducing the earnings gap can alleviate financial stress for individuals"
Explanation: "Alleviate" is a more precise term than "offer a reduction in," and "for individuals" is more formal than "for people."
"the disadvantaged people’s motivation could be promoted by financial gap decline with the wealth" -> "the motivation of disadvantaged individuals could be enhanced by a decline in financial disparities"
Explanation: "Enhanced" is more precise than "promoted," and "financial disparities" is a more formal and accurate term than "financial gap decline with the wealth."
"facilitating occupation opportunities for everyone" -> "facilitating occupational opportunities for all"
Explanation: "Occupational" is the correct term for referring to jobs or careers, and "all" is more formal than "everyone."
"Perhaps individuals will rely on the perk that they are provided" -> "Perhaps individuals may rely on the benefits they receive"
Explanation: "May" is more tentative and formal than "will," and "benefits they receive" is clearer and more formal than "the perk that they are provided."
"a suitable difference between the earnings could be a more effective method" -> "a reasonable disparity in earnings could be a more effective strategy"
Explanation: "Reasonable disparity" is more specific and formal than "suitable difference," and "strategy" is more appropriate in an academic context than "method."
"I am convinced by this line" -> "I am persuaded by this approach"
Explanation: "Persuaded" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "convinced," and "approach" is more specific than "line."
"it could be capable of solving both problems relating to people satisfaction and work performance" -> "it could effectively address both issues of individual satisfaction and work performance"
Explanation: "Effectively address" is more precise and formal than "solve," and "issues of individual satisfaction" is more specific and formal than "problems relating to people satisfaction."
"by its ability to encourage people work dedication and social gap decrease" -> "by fostering dedication among individuals and reducing social disparities"
Explanation: "Fostering" is more formal than "encourage," and "dedication among individuals" is more precise and formal than "people work dedication." "Reducing social disparities" is also more formal and specific than "social gap decrease."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. The author clearly states their agreement with the idea of reducing the earnings gap, which is a direct response to the question. However, the essay could have benefited from a more thorough exploration of the implications of this stance. For instance, while the author mentions the potential benefits of reducing the income gap, they also introduce the idea of a "sensible" difference without fully elaborating on what that entails or how it could be achieved. The example of Norway is relevant but could be expanded to illustrate the broader impact of such policies on societal happiness.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the author should clarify what is meant by a "sensible" income difference and provide more examples or evidence to support this viewpoint. Additionally, discussing counterarguments or alternative perspectives could enhance the depth of the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that reducing the income gap can lead to a happier society, but it introduces some ambiguity with the mention of a "sensible" gap. While the author expresses agreement with the idea, the introduction of potential drawbacks (such as over-reliance) may confuse readers about the strength of their position. The conclusion reiterates the author’s stance, but the earlier discussion could have been more consistent in reinforcing this viewpoint.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should explicitly state their main argument in the introduction and ensure that all subsequent points reinforce this argument. Avoid introducing conflicting ideas without sufficient explanation, and clarify how the potential drawbacks can be mitigated while still supporting the main thesis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some relevant ideas, such as the benefits of reducing financial stress and the potential for increased motivation among disadvantaged individuals. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. The example of Norway is a good start, but it lacks depth and could be supplemented with additional evidence or statistics to strengthen the argument. Furthermore, the discussion of potential drawbacks is introduced but not fully developed, leaving the reader wanting more clarity on how these issues could be addressed.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. This could include statistics on income inequality and happiness, case studies from other countries, or theoretical frameworks that explain the relationship between income disparity and societal well-being. Additionally, expanding on the drawbacks mentioned would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate critical thinking.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. However, the introduction of the idea of "over-reliance" could be seen as a slight deviation from the main argument, as it introduces a concern that may distract from the primary focus of the essay. While it is important to acknowledge potential drawbacks, the discussion should remain closely tied to the central thesis.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the author should ensure that all points made directly support the central argument. If discussing drawbacks, they should be framed in a way that relates back to the main question of how income disparity affects societal happiness. This could involve linking the drawbacks back to the overall theme of the essay and explaining how they can be managed within the context of reducing income inequality.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and support for ideas. By addressing these areas, the author could enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, outlining the central debate. The body paragraphs are structured to first present the advantages of reducing the income gap, followed by a counterargument that highlights potential drawbacks. However, while the ideas are logically sequenced, some transitions between points could be smoother. For example, the transition from discussingthe benefits of reducing the earnings gap to the potential drawbacks feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking sentence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, after discussing the benefits, a phrase like "However, it is important to consider the potential downsides of such an approach" could help guide the reader more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can further clarify the main idea of that section.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into supporting and opposing arguments. However, the second paragraph could be split into two to better separate the discussion of benefits from the counterargument. This would enhance readability and allow for a more focused exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Consider dividing the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one dedicated to the benefits of reducing the income gap and another addressing the potential drawbacks. This change would allow for a more thorough exploration of each argument and improve the overall clarity of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "However," and "To sum up." These devices help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For example, the phrase "for the reason that" is used, but alternatives could enhance variety and sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "however," consider alternatives like "nevertheless," "on the contrary," or "in contrast." Additionally, using phrases like "furthermore" or "moreover" when adding information can help create a more fluid reading experience. Practicing the use of different cohesive devices in writing exercises can also aid in developing a more varied style.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "financial stress burden," "disadvantaged," "progressive taxation," and "income inequality." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "income of the richest and the poorest" and "earnings gap." This limits the overall lexical variety and richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "income" and "earnings," alternatives like "revenue," "wages," or "financial resources" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more sophisticated phrases or idiomatic expressions could elevate the lexical quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its ideas, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the wealth, facilitating occupation opportunities for everyone" is awkward and unclear. The term "latent demerit" is also somewhat vague and could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim for clarity in word choice. For example, instead of "latent demerit," they might say "hidden drawbacks" or "potential downsides." Furthermore, revising awkward phrases for clarity—such as rephrasing to "the wealth gap can facilitate job opportunities for everyone"—would enhance understanding.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "it is due to the fact that" which should begin with a capital "I." Additionally, "lack of determination in their work or low level of performance" could be more effectively expressed as "lack of determination in their work or low levels of performance" to maintain grammatical consistency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on capitalization and grammatical consistency. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or writing apps that highlight errors can also be beneficial. Regular practice with spelling exercises or quizzes can further reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in vocabulary usage, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring clarity in word choice, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "if such an approach were to be carried out, the disadvantaged people’s motivation could be promoted by financial gap decline with the wealth" showcase an understanding of conditional clauses. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "could" and "would," which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. The essay also employs some simple and compound sentences, but the overall range is somewhat limited.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex grammatical forms, such as relative clauses or participial phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "could" to express potential outcomes, the writer might use "might" or "should" in different contexts to convey nuances. Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or using inversion) can add interest and complexity to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "it is due to the fact that" should begin with a capital "I" to maintain proper sentence structure. Additionally, the use of "the wealthy" instead of "the wealth" in the context of discussing income inequality would enhance clarity. There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "a sense of over reliance among people," which could be more effectively expressed as "a sense of over-reliance on government support." Punctuation errors, such as the missing comma before "which can lead to a sense of over reliance," also affect readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as capitalization and punctuation. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring can help in reducing awkward phrasing. It may also be beneficial to review rules regarding subject-verb agreement and the use of articles. Engaging in exercises that emphasize these areas can build confidence and accuracy in writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical structures and punctuation, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence forms and enhancing grammatical accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this economically driven society, the wealthy are accumulating wealth, while the poor are experiencing a decline in their economic status. Therefore, a debate has emerged regarding whether we should ensure a minimal difference between the earnings of the richest and the poorest members of society to foster a happier community. From my perspective, I agree with this notion, but I believe the disparity should be reasonable.

On the one hand, it is evident that reducing the earnings gap can alleviate financial stress for individuals. If such an approach were implemented, the motivation of disadvantaged individuals could be enhanced by a decline in financial disparities, facilitating occupational opportunities for all. For instance, residents of Norway benefit from progressive taxation, which helps prevent income inequality, allowing people to avoid the burden of financial discrimination.

However, while this alteration could bring potential advantages, it may also have latent drawbacks if not managed properly, potentially leading to a sense of over-reliance among individuals. Perhaps people may rely on the benefits they receive, resulting in a lack of determination in their work or a decrease in performance levels. Hence, regardless of people’s desires, a reasonable disparity in earnings could be a more effective strategy than the previously mentioned idea. I am persuaded by this approach because it could effectively address both issues of individual satisfaction and work performance by fostering dedication among individuals and reducing social disparities.

To sum up, I agree with the idea of minimizing income differences, as long as any changes to earnings are appropriate, rather than aiming to eliminate economic disparities completely.